I got an email recently from one of my blog readers, who was responding to my jacket post. She said,
You (maybe because you are now thin?) are able to speak about things that I (and many) have also experienced, with such shame. It is so awful to be too big to fit into any jacket in the store and I’ve been there! It’s always moving and fascinating to me that you can put this stuff out into the blogosphere, where I’ve just been mortified.
It really struck me, these words. And I thought, well maybe it is easier to write about these painful experiences because I’m not exactly in that place now (I wouldn’t exactly say “thin” but that’s another point). BUT I also think it is writing exactly about these things that has allowed them to change and heal. I really believe this.
For so long I felt such terrible shame and hatred (for myself) for being overweight, and out of shape, and for using food compulsively, and just ALL of it. I thought I was dealing with it: I went to numerous therapists, but that was very private. I went to a few “groups” and talked about it there, but that somehow didn’t do it either. I really felt resigned to having to live that way forever. It was very painful.
Finally when I decided that I NEEDED TO DO SOMETHING, I was casting about in the dark. I just knew I had to somehow throw myself out there, and be honest about it, or it was never going to change. I had to describe all the angst of it. I somehow knew that this was the only way out.
And it turned out to be true.
Sometimes I think about this blog and it makes me so emotional. I really believe it saved me (along with other things). This blog saved me. And so did the blogging community. And my friends. And my trainer. And eventually my family when I felt safe enough to share with them. And the Twitterers. (Tweeters) Y’all know who you are. But it was all about SHARING stuff that felt massively secretive before.
Now, I have another part of my life that could use a little light. Something that has plagued me as long or longer than the weight stuff: my unending clutter. I know somehow these things are related.
SO since it worked so well here, I’ve decided to start yet another blog to focus on THAT issue. And I am hoping that, like with this blog, I will find a community of both inspiring mentors and also struggling companions who are in the same boat as me. I have a RL (real life) friend who is helping me in a real, physical way. I am very very excited about this. I feel hopeful. It’s another area that has brought me a lot of shame and upset and mortification. But I’m ready to shine the light.
December 18, 2009 at 10:21 pm
Exactly.
December 19, 2009 at 6:44 pm
In my work I have found a decent amount of people who are overweight, also have clutter issues. It’s amazing. To the point that I know a well respected professional organizer and she and I will probably do some work together. She sees in her business many of her clients have weight issues. She contacted me as she love my approach about food, weight and body image — and these and clutter can (and often are) related..
There are various reasons why, which I won’t get into now (enough for a book!) but I’m glad you’re continuing to be open, honest and sharing with your struggles AND your accomplishments that help so many other people!
December 19, 2009 at 8:03 pm
First, I’m still heavy, but I write about it…It helps me sometimes, keeps me accountable sometimes…and it’s a nice way to gain support and give support to others who face similar struggles.
Regarding clutter, I cannot stand clutter. And I think you’ll find that it makes everything look brighter and functional when your surroundings are in order. Best of luck…we both know you can tackle that too!