December 18, 2009

I had been a little worried about various traditions during the holiday period. One thing I always do is make mega-batches of sugared pecans to give away to friends, teachers, coaches, etc. They are so easy and yet so festive and delicious. But a little voice inside me was saying, “You’re not going to do THAT, are you?”

Well, I’m not going to make them and then eat a whole bag of them myself. Or keep them in a giant open bowl on the counter and grab a handful every time I go by. I’m not going to do that. But I am going to make them, and give a lot of them away, and keep some and eat them in a slow and mindful fashion. That I’ll do.

Another tradition Mr. McBody and I have is to purchase one bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream during the holiday time. Usually we drink one glass (each) while trimming the tree, and then we drink a little more when wrapping presents on Christmas eve. It’s not like this huge alcoholic blowout thing, it’s a little indulgence. But I thought, oh oh, we won’t be drinking our Bailey’s. But why the heck not?? So I bought a bottle, and we enjoyed it very much during the tree trimming, and the rest of the bottle is there. Realizing that we could still do these things Even Though I’m On this Healthy Path was like this huge lightbulb moment. Wow, I’m not dieting! I’m LIVING.

This lightbulb moment reminds me of a blog post I just read by Man Meets Scale, who, incidentally, I am going to meet tomorrow at an official WW event!! I am very excited about this. I’m going to tell him what a huge fan I am of his blog. And maybe bring him a piece of fancy chocolate for his stocking. 🙂

I also happen to be at the lowest weight I have been all 2009. It’s a funny number. As soon as I get into this number, something always goes Boing! in my head and I immediately start bouncing up. I’ve been trying to talk myself down this time though. I don’t know if it’s nervousness at going into this Very Unfamiliar Territory, or it’s a weird relaxation of focus because I think I’m “there” (whatever “there” is) — but this time I am wondering if I can actually STAY at this particular number and maybe even edge beyond it once we are in 2010. It’s a very curious little mind game I play with myself. Because to go beyond THIS number means…. I don’t even know what it means. It means something, though.

I got an email recently from one of my blog readers, who was responding to my jacket post. She said,

You (maybe because you are now thin?) are able to speak about things that I (and many) have also experienced, with such shame. It is so awful to be too big to fit into any jacket in the store and I’ve been there! It’s always moving and fascinating to me that you can put this stuff out into the blogosphere, where I’ve just been mortified.

It really struck me, these words. And I thought, well maybe it is easier to write about these painful experiences because I’m not exactly in that place now (I wouldn’t exactly say “thin” but that’s another point). BUT I also think it is writing exactly about these things that has allowed them to change and heal. I really believe this.

For so long I felt such terrible shame and hatred (for myself) for being overweight, and out of shape, and for using food compulsively, and just ALL of it. I thought I was dealing with it: I went to numerous therapists, but that was very private. I went to a few “groups” and talked about it there, but that somehow didn’t do it either. I really felt resigned to having to live that way forever. It was very painful.

Finally when I decided that I NEEDED TO DO SOMETHING, I was casting about in the dark. I just knew I had to somehow throw myself out there, and be honest about it, or it was never going to change. I had to describe all the angst of it. I somehow knew that this was the only way out.

And it turned out to be true.

Sometimes I think about this blog and it makes me so emotional. I really believe it saved me (along with other things). This blog saved me. And so did the blogging community. And my friends. And my trainer. And eventually my family when I felt safe enough to share with them. And the Twitterers. (Tweeters) Y’all know who you are. But it was all about SHARING stuff that felt massively secretive before.

Now, I have another part of my life that could use a little light. Something that has plagued me as long or longer than the weight stuff: my unending clutter. I know somehow these things are related.

SO since it worked so well here, I’ve decided to start yet another blog to focus on THAT issue. And I am hoping that, like with this blog, I will find a community of both inspiring mentors and also struggling companions who are in the same boat as me. I have a RL (real life) friend who is helping me in a real, physical way. I am very very excited about this. I feel hopeful. It’s another area that has brought me a lot of shame and upset and mortification. But I’m ready to shine the light.

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Tradition? Tradition!

Shining A Light into the Darkness