I kind of shocked myself this week. I got into a place where I haven’t been in a very, very, very long time. It was the land of “I Don’t Care!” (… “I just want to EAT!”)
Why did it shock me so much? Because I feel so… equipped, you know? Last week I caught a glimpse of a number on the scale, the likes of which I had not seen in Years. I felt so on top of things.
But then, late in the week, I got a call from my Offspring-in-Distress, and it unhinged me more than I can say. I flew to her side. The plan was that I was going to hang with her, keep her company, and that we would both go to her gym together. But she was sick. She could not work out. We ate several restaurant meals. And so the days slipped by and I didn’t want to leave her, so I did not work out either, until the very last day and I took that freezing cold run. Then I had to leave to come home. By this time I was in a HIGH state of distress. She was still sick.
When I landed for my connecting flight, I received a text message that the health center had diagnosed her with mono.
By this time I was really distraught. All my nattering on to my WW meeting last week about “what to do other than eat when you are feeling emotional” went RIGHT OUT the window. I wanted pizza dammit! Now I KNEW (intellectually) that pizza was 1. Not REALLY going to make me feel better, and 2. Certainly not make my KID feel better, but… I DID. NOT CARE.
There was something in me larger than that knowledge. It was a roaring flaming pit of hell sort of furnace that was just … FEED ME. Here’s the funny thing. I tried to get a pizza. But the pizza people said it would take 7 minutes to prepare (this was the fancy shmancy California Pizza Kitchen, not Pizza Hut!). I did not HAVE 7 minutes because my flight was boarding. So I got a cup of vegetable soup instead. Hahahahaha! I felt like somehow, the Universe was looking out for me.
When I arrived, I discovered that my suitcase did not arrive with me. That was thing one. Then the parking lot shuttle bus took over half an hour to arrive. Thing two. I was exhausted. Then when I finally GOT to my car, it was… dead. I lost it. Thankfully, the parking lot people had seen this before. I did not need to call AAA. They helped me locate the Extremely Hidden Battery (in the trunk) of my hybrid, and eventually got me on my way (another 40 minutes). By this time I was a zombie.
Next day. (yesterday) I did not hear from daughter for most of the day, in spite of my incessant motherly texting and calling. Hopefully she was sleeping. THEN, all hell broke loose. I ate things I haven’t eaten in a long time.
And it wasn’t so much what I ate. It wasn’t the fact that I gained all sorts of poundage since last week. It was the absolute Lack of Caring. Which shocked me. Last night I would say was a big huge low point.
Today, I’m back. I’m heading to see my trainer (thank god thank god thank god!).
I am concluding, with great humbleness, that the combination of Big Stress + Not Enough Exercise, is what put me over the edge into this place that I truly felt I had left behind forever. Wow, it shocked me.
Thankfully, it only lasted a few days. The damage is not huge. I finally heard from my kid and I believe that things are going to be OK, even though they are hard.
But wow. Just… wow.
February 3, 2010 at 12:47 pm
Ugh, what a horrible trip home you had! I have spent some time in that Land, too. I always feel like crap after a short amount of time there and then…I find a way out like you have done. We do the best we can, right?
February 3, 2010 at 1:09 pm
Seriously this is in the air! I cannot tell you how many posts like this I have read this week.
You are doing what we all do. This is my opinion for what it is worth….
We all work hard on getting it together we fight all sorts of little battles each day. we get good at it and feel confident. However we are not prepared for the BIG battles. All of our lives when a BIG battle comes along we comfort ourselves, cover it up, feed it, and hide behind food.
So your daughter being sick… you want to help her and be with her, you are not able to be. This is a BIG battle for you. You are doing what you have always done. You feel like your daughter is more important and that life is just to hard at the moment to “deal with” your health and weight loss. So it can just kiss your butt and you will get back to it when you can!
I do this all of the time! All of us do. The key I am finding is that even though we can conquer the little battles we always have to be prepared for the big ones. It is at these times that we are really tested to go against everything we have always done and do what we have learned in a healthy way.
Sorry for the looong comment.
What you need to do is realize it is okay. You love your daughter and she knows it. You will be much more at ease and able to deal with the stress of the situation if YOU are in a good place. Find your good place let this past week go and move forward. This is a lesson and you will learn from it.
I am not worried about you because I know that you will be okay and realize what has happened.
You are such a wonderful mom! I love ya and know that meeting with your trainer is going to do a world of good for you!
February 3, 2010 at 2:23 pm
I mentioned on twitter that I too was going through this and right now…
I’m eating my way out of it. I know, probably not the best solution long term but usually after a few days of this, I’m tired (literally) of all the crap and can get back to it.
i can’t even fully say what triggered my break although I did guess it may have to do with the fact that I was already in the red Sunday night (my Points reset on Friday) or the fact that this month is so short and I feel like I have so much to do I’m not quite sure how I am going to get through it.
hopefully ill be able to crawl out sooner than later!
February 3, 2010 at 4:06 pm
Wow, that was a tough week – but hooray for being the momma that swoops in to make things better – I would have done the same thing!
Yep, with you on the stress part – eating shitty food is always my go to – but luckily its when I am by myself – and that doesn’t happen very often since either my daughter or husband are always home.
That being said, hubby was out with beers with the guys, Hannah was at work – and while I made a delicious tofu dish for my lunch today, the unphotograph picture of the cheddar cheese nachos I ate for dinner instead just somehow never made it on the blog!
But like you, the damage isn’t huge, and today is another day!
February 3, 2010 at 9:07 pm
but you know what’s changed? your ability to diagnose yourself in the land of “i don’t care” and ability to pull yourself out into a healthier, empowered place. 🙂
February 3, 2010 at 10:13 pm
I’m so sorry all is not well with your girl. We parents would cheerfully be punched in the gut versus pain to our beloved offspring. I hope resilience comes to her aid. Re the food, I know we are not going to get through the rest of our lives without the occasional mad desire to eat whatever. It’s how you handle the bump in the road. Hope your road is a little less bumpy from here.
February 3, 2010 at 10:47 pm
My sons are three hours away (at college) and I hate it when they are sick or having trouble emotionally because I can’t be there and MAKE SURE that they are going to be ok. It’s gut-wrenching to worry about them from a distance. Hope your daughter will be ok – is she in school and if so, will she be able to finish the semester?
And if all you had was a bit of emotional eating, even though you felt like consuming everything – well, you’re doing good. Hugs to you – hang in there!
February 4, 2010 at 11:41 am
Sorry to hear you daughter is sick :(.
Ok, you’re human. We’re not perfect all the time. You are AWARE of what is going on. That is good, right? Every day, every experience is learning.
Call me weird but I got all excited seeing the graphic at the beginning of the post. “I don’t care! I’m Pierre!” Oh, I’m going to have to find that story.
February 4, 2010 at 3:22 pm
I’m glad you’re daughter is going to be ok. I think I’ve traveled through that Land before… What is it they say: you can take the boy out of the “Land of I don’t Care” but not the “land of I don’t care” out of the boy…
February 5, 2010 at 8:26 am
I know it well! I am learning how to deal with the “I don’t care”-syndrome, but it’s a long and rocky road. Good luck this week!
February 6, 2010 at 8:08 pm
Glad to hear your daughter is ok. I’m having a food/exercise week like this too. Work stress, home stress….whatever. It led to chocolate binging. I haven’t even been blogging. But I’m pulling it back, starting tomorrow. Thank you for sharing. It helps to know we all go through this from time to time…and that we can pull it back!