I’m not gonna lie, this is continuing to be a hard week. Y’all know that I have three jobs, right? Well, every single one of them has been frustrating/challenging/hard/AGHHHHH this week. All of them. I just feel like I’m not getting a break from any corner, and I’m just ping-ponging from to another. It’s just hard.
In addition to that, I’m going through some big transitions, and that’s just challenging me big time. Change is hard. It’s good, and it’s necessary, but it’s hard. It requires a lot of emotion and squirming around. I can’t really talk about specifics yet but I will at some point.
One thing that happened this week was another one of those “Hmmm, this really… INTERESTING,” ie “WTF is GOING ON!!?!?” moments. Last week our Weight Watchers topic was “Tracking Things Other Than Food and Drink.” I actually love that topic because to me, it shows WW commitment to really having members know and understand ourselves. Yeah! That mindfulness thing! We had a great discussion about monitoring and paying attention to all kinds of stuff like hunger, emotions, tiredness, sleep, exercise, clothing size and on and on. I was like, YEAH! I always tell members that this is the most important thing – KNOWING OURSELVES and our habits, what our mind does, where it trips us up, because knowledge is power, blah blah blah.
So my mind decided to pull a fast one on me this week.
I have spent decades analyzing my particular food/weight/habit Achilles heels. I am very susceptible to emotional eating, for example. I also have a tendency to like big meals. I’m not a big snacker, and I’m NOT a “nighttime eater.” Friends and WW members have long bemoaned their nighttime eating habits, during which I usually nod sympathetically but really it’s not something I could relate to. Because I don’t really like eating at night (unless it happens to be a weirdly late dinner). It isn’t comfortable and I just don’t LIKE IT.
Until this week. One night this week I was prowling around the house right before bed, and I happened to walk through the kitchen. Normally I have no desire to eat at this time. But I saw this open bag of pretzels. And I saw a jar of peanut butter. And something in my mind just SNAPPED and before I knew it I was slathering peanut butter on pretzels and eating them. And then (just like the famous “If You Give A Mouse A Cookie”) because I had eaten that, I HAD to have a big glass of milk. Which I did. And then I went to bed, going, WTF was THAT?!??
It was nighttime eating! When I wasn’t hungry! O. M. G.!!!!!!!!!!!
I was absolutely horrified. I couldn’t have been more horrified than if I’d shot myself up with a syringe full of heroin. Because for 99% of my life, nighttime eating just has NOT been one of my (many) unhealthy habits! Other people did that, and I did other stuff, but that was just not for me. And here I was, tiptoeing (or no, maybe STOMPING) into that Territory. Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!
I felt terrible, both emotionally (AGHHHHHHH!) and physically (YUCKKKK!).
The next morning, I woke up and saw the offending jar of peanut butter mocking me from the counter. I picked it up and flung it into the trash, even though there was more than half the jar left. I was so mortified and did not want to risk. (apparently for me, stress + peanut butter = the perfect storm)
A few days of self loathing and no exercise ensued.
Today I got up determined to break this cycle of insanity. I laced up my sneakers and at first I was going to do, you know, a WORKOUT. But instead I realized I knew I needed a walk and some sort of Come-to-Jesus conversation with myself. I knew I had to get to the bottom of what was going on.
Well, I was no further then three minutes from my house when I found myself sobbing, I mean REALLY sobbing like the world was ending. It was huge. I couldn’t talk or breathe or anything. But I KNEW that this was what I had really been needing. The stress of my mom getting sick and hurt last week, plus other stuff all piling up, and my jobs all simultaneously kicking my butt – it was all just too much. I just cried and cried. And walked. It was all good. And necessary.
This stuff can be hard sometimes. But I know that today was my breakthrough. I stopped trying to hold it all together and I just let it all out. And I know I’m ready to deal with the changes and all of it.
In other, happier news, my Junior has been at the Biggest Loser resort in Malibu this week. And she has been squeezing the most out of every single minute there. She has had the most amazing workouts of her life and is loving it like CRAZY. I am so excited for her to come back and teach me everything!! She’s had the chance to work out with Sam from season 9, whom she’s admired a long time, and she’s just having the best time ever. I am so excited for her. She has made a few video recaps with the blow-by-blow of each minute of each workout, and I’ve been eagerly awaiting them every night. If you want to check out life at the BL resort, you can see her (written and video) daily recaps here.
I think things are going to start turning around. That bawling in the woods really helped this morning. On Saturday, I’m going to a (what fun!) Nia dance birthday party class! Junior comes home on Sunday. And I am going to keep rolling through the changes.
June 17, 2011 at 6:55 am
Ive watched your tweets and lived this week with you. Your tenacity and resilience amazes me Susan (as does your writing! the If You Give a Mouse a Cookie reference? PERFECTION).
Things are turning around…only because youve hung on and in and made them so
June 17, 2011 at 11:12 am
Oh my! Come-To-Jesus-Full-Body-Sobs-Unconditional-Surrenders – there is NOTHING more powerful. I’m sooooooo glad that you allowed yourself to feel during that moment of opportunity.
And- uh – NO LOATHING!
OF COURSE you are tired and sad and scared and frustrated and and and…
We are human – and – that’s as good as we’ll ever be.
xoxoxoxox OOOOOOOOO (those are very BIG hugs!)
June 17, 2011 at 12:53 pm
😦 I hope it gets better soon. And proud of you for keeping your health a priority–amazing how taking care of the body also takes care of the mind!
June 17, 2011 at 1:25 pm
Big HUGS! Thanks for sharing. It’s good that you can express yourself and think through these moments instead of burying them down inside and ignoring them.
June 17, 2011 at 5:17 pm
There must be something in the air…I have found myself shoveling food into my body when I KNOW what I need is a good cry…and yet the tears aren’t forthcoming like they usually are!! WTF indeed.
June 17, 2011 at 5:52 pm
I almost called your during my walk but I was babbling rather incoherently. But I was definitely something in the air. Hugs back!! I hope your release comes soon.
June 18, 2011 at 10:51 pm
Crying is such a gift. It really takes care of things sometimes, doesn’t it? Thinking of you with love.
June 19, 2011 at 2:19 am
So glad I stumbled on your blog…such an inspiration. Emotional eating is such a huge trigger! I’ve really been inspired by watching a new show Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition (Monday nights on ABC at 10pm/9c). Really great because they are doing it at home, with all the emotional triggers that we have at home…Can I say tears?!
Anyway, great post & thanks!
June 22, 2011 at 9:30 am
You have ever reason to have a good cry. Life is hard sometimes and it seems the more we bottle it all up the worse it gets. Lettting it out and crying does help. You have SO MUCH going on all the time and I know with the changes you have coming it will help. You are an amazing woman and have so much love to give to everyone else. Make sure you keep plenty for yourself.