A few people near and dear to me communicated to me after reading my last two posts that I should not be “beating myself up” or feeling badly about myself for eating the Chinese food. And I just wanted to clarify. I wasn’t feeling awful about myself – I was just wondering, sort of curiously, “How did I get there?” Or “How did this happen?” When I know what I know. I’m just trying to sort it out.
Same person said to me that they had eaten noodles and bubble tea. Which to me is not an issue at all unless the purpose of eating those things is to go numb. And it made me think, it’s not the WHAT of the eating that is “problematic,” it’s the HOW. I’ve eaten cupcakes and cheesecake and fried calamari and all kinds of stuff without feeling it’s a problem. I’ve eaten lots of Chinese food without having the feeling I had last night. Last night I wasn’t savoring or tasting or even necessarily enjoying. It was just about the quantity. I had that “shoveling” feeling, and in fact I shoveled down the last of the fried rice with a serving spoon. THAT’s what I’m talking about.
If I eat six cupcakes in a sitting (OK, I’ve never actually done that. Maybe two. Three.) and don’t really taste them, then it’s a problem. If I lovingly, ecstatically really ENJOY eating a cupcake, it’s fine. In fact, it’s wonderful. It’s more about the “how” and the “why” and the “how much” more than the “what.”
That feeling I had last night just was something that hadn’t happened in a long while, and I was just trying to … you know, sort it all out. I’m not feeling bad about myself or even that it happened. Just… sitting here, thinking.
foodfoodbodybody 
June 12, 2011 at 4:50 pm
I didn’t feel as if you were beating yourself up. I felt as if you were stating a fact and examing it. I would imagine you have been in a state of high anxiety. But even with your mom getting better you were still a little dazed.
Sometimes, for me, I am thrown for a loop when my “nears and dears” express to me their “understanding” of something and it wasn’t like that at all for me. “Oh you sounded so sad/happy/frustrated.” And I really was “tired/angry/confused.” Sometimes I think because they are “NEAR” they let THEIR emotions or what is going on with them project onto what is going on with me.
I am not saying that is the case here. I am just sharing. And also, kind of acknowledging that I am not “near” to you. 😦 But I do feel a great affection and connection. HUGS.
You keep on keeping on, Foodie!
June 12, 2011 at 5:06 pm
I definitely understand this. One of the more challenging issues I’ve dealt with on my own journey so far is redefining quantity, in terms of clarifying the difference between overeating and a binge. It’s tough, I know, especially when people think I’m being too hard on myself for having, say, cookies. There is room in my life for occasional treats – the difference isn’t if I do or don’t, it’s WHY I do or don’t. Some days I need to eat more than others – the differences between that and bingeing for me are (a) process and (b) intention. Mindless “shoveling” is definitely something I have done. I find that when I eat mindfully, I not only don’t scarf my food down, but I tend to keep portions in control better, too. When I binge eat, I’m usually trying to soothe a non-hunger based pain – my intention isn’t satiety but distraction. ♥ Wishing you peace with this.
June 12, 2011 at 5:29 pm
Yes, yes, yes, yes and YES.
June 12, 2011 at 5:27 pm
The fact that you’re analyzing the how and why are leap years beyond where you were a couple years ago. Journaling those feelings with the amount of food in a food diary offers insight into a mindset and any patterns that emerge before any of have a need to shovel. I like how you permitted us to see into your experience because you are a mentor to so many of us. Even mentors have setbacks.
June 12, 2011 at 5:42 pm
This post really nails it for me. It’s not about the food its about whatever else is going on.
June 12, 2011 at 8:40 pm
I found your blog because I’m trying to find other people’s success stories for inspiration. I’m finding that it helps motivate me to stay on my schedule and keep on myself. If you’re looking for some inspiration, I’d try Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. It’s only on its third episode, but so far the show has been great for me. It airs Monday nights on ABC at 10pm/9c, or you can watch it at http://abc.go.com/shows/extreme-makeover-weight-loss-edition/
Good luck with your journey!
June 12, 2011 at 8:43 pm
I actually like that show a lot. I hope this isn’t some sort of promotional spammy comment, but I do think it’s a good show. I like that Chris Powell guy a lot.
June 12, 2011 at 9:23 pm
I love objective observation…even if, sometimes, in the moment, I am not appearing objective to others. I have found that it’s hard for others (sometimes) to be with my discomforting objective observation of myself. It’s all good…
June 12, 2011 at 11:57 pm
Understandable. I am trying to get back to that place too where I enjoy the quality of food and not eat mindlessly. I was there at one time and I know I will get there again.
June 13, 2011 at 6:16 am
and I adore that you really are at the place where “IT IS ALL JUST INFORMATION”…information you are processing and analyzing and not letting be anything other than that.
information for observation.
June 16, 2011 at 9:49 pm
Good clarification. My pizza on Friday night had nothing to do with the pizza and everything to do with thinking my best friend’s mom wasn’t going to make it through the night which then summoned up thoughts of my dad. It’s the how, not the what- good clarification.