An unpleasant sense of fear by Violator3
An unpleasant sense of fear, a photo by Violator3 on Flickr.

If I stay away from exercise for too long, an odd thing occurs. I start feeling afraid of it. I have NO idea what this is about. OK, maybe I have some idea.

Back in the day when I was super unfit, if I tried to do something, and it made me feel tired or just “I can’t do this!” that feeling would just freak me out. It would make me cry and feel just a heap of self-criticism and unworthiness. I would crumple to the ground and hate myself.

Not fun.

And I think a part of that still lives inside me. When I don’t exercise regularly, I start fearing that FEELING – I think what I am afraid of is not the physical sensations, but those emotions of “UGH I’m out of shape!”

This weekend, Junior offered to teach me some of the cool stuff she learned at Fitness Ridge, mainly some of the HIIT treadmill routines. We met up at the gym and just as I was about to step on, I heard myself saying, “I’m scared.”

Of a treadmill?? Me, who ran a half marathon? Um.

She was very patient and supportive and finally I just started and of course, as is ALWAYS the case, I didn’t die doing the workout AND I felt ten million times better.

Which led me to examine in close, what is this strange fear about? Because it definitely hinders me. And it makes me mad. Why would I hold myself back from something that clearly makes me feel so good? This has been proven to me hundreds of times by now and yet still, I sometimes find myself in the place where I just feel chained down to a chair with absolute paralysis.

I know it needs some more excising and examining. But this is a good place to start.