I’m in a weird blue-ish mood today. For some inexplicable reason, I am feeling “fat.” Yesterday I felt just fine. Nothing has changed. I had a good workout this morning, an excellent one, in fact. And yet I feel “fat.” I don’t know why.
This week I had my passport photos taken (for a big trip to faroff Canada, yay!). When I looked at my newly expired 10 year old passport, I saw myself ten years ago. I looked pretty chubby in the face and not too healthy. I wondered about what I will look like for my next passport, ten years from now. And it made me really sad. I realized that I don’t believe that this current healthy state will last. I have this weird dread feeling in the pit of my stomach, that one or five or ten years from now, I will be 50 or more pounds heavier, and will look back on the “now” me with a mixture of sadness and regret and longing. It’s enough to put me into a serious funk.
What is THAT about.
I think it’s that this state of health and fitness is very fragile. It’s new. I don’t really believe in it yet. And I think the only cure for this is time. Taking it one day at a time, holding onto it every day, every week, continuing to make good choices. And that hopefully these days, weeks and years will add up to a long time and one day I will be able to take it for granted and not worry that it will just (poof) vanish.
Maybe it’s like my marriage. When I first got married, I had no real faith that it would last. I WANTED it to, I really did, but I wasn’t sure it would really happen. I had had many relationships before my marriage, and they lasted for varying short amounts of time. So I didn’t have any experience to go by. I was not very secure or solid or confident in the early years of my marriage. But the years went by, and we went through hard times and wonderful times together. The relationship got tested. We changed, and we didn’t change. And now it’s been almost 21 years of marriage (come September). I don’t worry anymore that we can’t deal with challenges, or that it’s just going to vanish on me. I feel solid and comfortable and confident in it in a way that just wasn’t possible twenty years ago.
I wish I could be more sure of myself. I wish I could just KNOW that this is it, that I’m not going to lose sight of this. But I guess the only thing that will really make me feel that inside is time.
August 7, 2009 at 10:18 pm
This is really good. Not from the standpoint that you are worried it may not last, but from the standpoint that you are already thinking about it.
Sometimes there is so much emphasis on the “weight loss” part, and not enough on the “maintenance for life” part.
In reading through your blog you have obviously made a lifestyle change, and that kind of change sticks! You’ve done great – you look amazing – be confident in yourself!
August 8, 2009 at 9:17 am
I agree with Diane above that we often forget about the maintenance part, and that in itself is a challenge and something we need to work on. We often forget that.
Keep getting support and reaching out to keep you moving forward. It’s all not just about “losing weight”…there’s so much more in the process (outside and inside!)
But do know what you’re feeling is normal. You are doing so awesome and we all have so much confidence and you & we’re all here to support you 🙂
August 8, 2009 at 10:08 am
I know that feeling well. I’m still struggling to get the the place where this is a habit so it’s difficult to see myself doing it for the rest of my life. I’m getting there…but slowly.
Hang in there! We’re all in this together!
August 8, 2009 at 10:23 am
What a heartfelt, honest and insightful post! I really like the marriage analogy. Yes, a large percentage of marriages don’t survive and neither do a large percentage of weight losses. But the mechanisms for success are the same – commitment, faithfulness, hard work and the willingness to grow.
May your maintenance be as blessed as your marriage!
August 9, 2009 at 12:04 pm
You are going to be okay I promise. I would imagine it is a strange state to be in. Life is never 100% certain or guaranteed if it was we would not have any room to grow and learn.
Everyday for you is brand new in so many ways. You have this gorgeous new body that you are getting used to. Have faith in yourself because you can do whatever you decide to. Look at what you have already accomplished!
August 9, 2009 at 2:15 pm
This is a great post! I think the key is to just “go with it” when you’re feeling the dread and uncertainty. It doesn’t feel good when you’re in the middle of it, but it always passes (at least for me it does). So acknowledge it when you feel it, understand that dread happens, but know in your heart that this too shall pass.
August 10, 2009 at 9:56 am
I’m sure of a lot of things, included is my 2 year marriage (coming up at the end of the month). The main thing I don’t believe in is myself and that’s the one that’s most important.
August 18, 2009 at 10:02 am
Hi Foodie, just found your blog, and wanted to tell you that I think you are right–time is the only cure for this. I have written quite a few times on my blog about fearing that ‘it will all go away’ but I have been plugging away at this lifestyle change for over 4 years now, and the fear is greatly diminished. Even though I don’t like the days that I ‘fail’ or that I just plain eat too much, the fact that I go home and eat well the very next day makes me feel more certain that this is going to last.
From reading your ‘how I seem to be losing weight’ and ‘why I want to lose weight’ pages, it sounds like you are on the right path, thinking about changing for life, and not ending a ‘diet.’
Keep up the good work, and HAPPY 50TH BIRTHDAY (belated!) I started my journey of weight loss a month after my 50th birthday!