I’m in a weird blue-ish mood today. For some inexplicable reason, I am feeling “fat.” Yesterday I felt just fine. Nothing has changed. I had a good workout this morning, an excellent one, in fact. And yet I feel “fat.” I don’t know why.
This week I had my passport photos taken (for a big trip to faroff Canada, yay!). When I looked at my newly expired 10 year old passport, I saw myself ten years ago. I looked pretty chubby in the face and not too healthy. I wondered about what I will look like for my next passport, ten years from now. And it made me really sad. I realized that I don’t believe that this current healthy state will last. I have this weird dread feeling in the pit of my stomach, that one or five or ten years from now, I will be 50 or more pounds heavier, and will look back on the “now” me with a mixture of sadness and regret and longing. It’s enough to put me into a serious funk.
What is THAT about.
I think it’s that this state of health and fitness is very fragile. It’s new. I don’t really believe in it yet. And I think the only cure for this is time. Taking it one day at a time, holding onto it every day, every week, continuing to make good choices. And that hopefully these days, weeks and years will add up to a long time and one day I will be able to take it for granted and not worry that it will just (poof) vanish.
Maybe it’s like my marriage. When I first got married, I had no real faith that it would last. I WANTED it to, I really did, but I wasn’t sure it would really happen. I had had many relationships before my marriage, and they lasted for varying short amounts of time. So I didn’t have any experience to go by. I was not very secure or solid or confident in the early years of my marriage. But the years went by, and we went through hard times and wonderful times together. The relationship got tested. We changed, and we didn’t change. And now it’s been almost 21 years of marriage (come September). I don’t worry anymore that we can’t deal with challenges, or that it’s just going to vanish on me. I feel solid and comfortable and confident in it in a way that just wasn’t possible twenty years ago.
I wish I could be more sure of myself. I wish I could just KNOW that this is it, that I’m not going to lose sight of this. But I guess the only thing that will really make me feel that inside is time.