All my adult life, I’ve wished – I mean desperately wished….
- that I could enjoy exercise.
- that I could be satisfied with small portions of food
- that I could deal with hard emotional times without diving into high-carb comfort/smother foods
- that I could truly CHOOSE healthier options, and feel good about it
- that I could run again
- that I could lose weight without feeling deprived
- that I could feel the benefits of meditation
- that I could develop a meaningful spiritual life
Well, guess what. It looks like I’ve gotten all those things – for now, anyway. I have to say I’m sort of stunned. Because just a few months ago I would not have believed that even ONE of these things were even remotely possible.
All of these statements are now true.
AND… I’ve got diabetes.
Is that the tradeoff? Or was it diabetes that allowed me to finally wake up and have these things I always wanted?
It’s like a zen koan. It’s actually too incomprehensible for words. I wonder what I would have said, if I’d climbed to the guru on the top of the mountain, please let me have these things, and he said, “OK, but you also have to have diabetes.” What would I have said? What would I have chosen?
Several people have remarked to me that I am doing an amazing job dealing with my diabetes. But I really feel like, what choice do I have? That’s how I feel now. I feel like there is no option but to be as healthy as I can be.
But I didn’t feel like this before, when I was way overweight, when I had high blood pressure, when I was inactive. Those things didn’t scare me and didn’t cause me to change anything. If anything they made things worse. It was the diabetes that woke me up.
Funny how life is.
foodfoodbodybody 
April 21, 2009 at 8:55 pm
I get it. I have a house I love, work that sustains me, financial security, a wonderful daughter, inner growth opportunities, amazing support systems, an appreciation of EVERY moment of EVERY day… and a dead husband.
April 21, 2009 at 8:58 pm
Oh God, Ericka. ((hug))
The question is – did these things we DIDN’T want, have to come, in order to give us these other things we always wanted? Or were we just not as keenly aware of them before?
April 21, 2009 at 9:15 pm
I could have written this post except add “committed and loving writing community and make progress towards publication”, and substitute cancer for diabetes.
Looks like the cancer keeps me on my toes in a lot of ways. But I still snap and shriek when I’m hot and tired. Perfect serenity isn’t here yet.
This latest “ambiguity” on my liver reminds me to keep showing up for spirit and self care and writing and life.
My sympathies to you and also, I really understand. You are harvesting a good life, good food, success with exercise… in some ways this is a great time in your life. I have been blissfully happy more than once in this past year. What a freakin entry fee, though.
April 21, 2009 at 9:20 pm
You know, I’ve never been great with koans . . . . It’s my insatiable desire to “fix” them and make them make “sense” that drives me to distraction, I think.
I definitely don’t know if your diabetes had to happen in order for these other, wonderful, things to manifest in your life . . . and I don’t even know if worrying too much about that is a good idea (if you’re prone to being super hard on yourself, at least).
I am curious to hear more about the spiritual life you are developing as you work on your health and diet (food intake). I’ll have to check and see if you’ve already posted about that earlier!
April 21, 2009 at 9:24 pm
Reinvention, the spiritual part started when I began thinking more about MIndful Eating. Then when I was truly diagnosed I learned that stress has a huge impact on blood glucose levels, so I got more serious about wanting to deal with that head-on, so I joined a meditation class and it has been wonderful and amazing. It’s all pretty Buddhist in orientation, but very accessible and resonates a lot with me now.
April 22, 2009 at 10:22 am
The meditation class sounds incredibly beneficial! Thank you for sharing about that.
April 22, 2009 at 11:15 am
It is weird how there is a weird balance in the universe.
April 22, 2009 at 11:26 am
Isn’t there some sort of quote that the gist of is “if you want to have a long, healthy life, get a chronic illness?”
You say that you WISHed for those things. I guess diabetes motivated you to ACT?
It’s great that you are taking these positive healthy steps/actions and that you take diabetes seriously. I often wonder why I don’t take diabetes more seriously. I think it is b/c 1. I’m in denial about what can happen 2. I’m lazy 3. I feel OK. Hard to think of myself as someone with a disease when I feel fine. I think I went OT a bit there, oops.
April 22, 2009 at 11:49 am
That sure is some accomplishment and realization. Now if only I could have that type of thinking I could probably be doing better as well. My problem is I don’t think, I just act on impulse and that always gets me into trouble.
Your doing some great work! 🙂
April 22, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Whoa. You could be describing my story, too. Although, I’m not sure I see having those things in exchange for having diabetes…I’m just not sure why diabetes was such a powerful catalyst for me, when it often isn’t for people. It’s not like I didn’t know that there were bad consequences of being obese. Maybe being diagnosed with diabetes made the consequences a little more “real” for me somehow: it was now medically necessary for me to make the changes.
I wonder if part of it is, also, that the early signs of hyperglycemia would work against all of the things you mentioned as wanting: increased hunger causes us to eat more (and keep the elevated blood sugar cycle going), fatigue prevents us from exercising, and difficulty concentrating weakens our mental well-being. For me, improving my blood glucose levels felt like waking up, physically and mentally.
April 22, 2009 at 2:58 pm
one of the great mysteries of the universe… or perhaps just the law of averages…?
in any case, i applaud you for doing things that difficult to do in order to be healthy.
i think we all live our lives in a bubble of denial and one day something happens that makes us realize that we are NOT invincible and that mortality may catch us sooner rather than later if we don’t pick up the pace and drop the baggage.
why is it that some people naturally rise with the sun while others need blaring alarm clocks? whatever it takes to motivate us to act is what we should be thankful for.
April 22, 2009 at 9:59 pm
For me? Diabetes saved my life….I get what you said…I’m much happier and healthier because of it…
April 23, 2009 at 3:43 pm
I know so many diabetics who DON’T take care of themselves, because they don’t feel bad when they have high blood sugar, and never have low blood sugar. It’s the 10 years down the road when they can’t see and can’t feel their feet that they wish they could have gone back and done things differently.
You do have a choice, and your choice is to do the right thing by controlling your diabetes, not let it control you! You are doing great! 😀
April 23, 2009 at 8:37 pm
I’m glad you’ve looked at ALL areas of your life, even the spiritual side. When i work with people, I have them do that as often stress is a big culprit. Taking time to slow down (whether thru meditation or other ways) and can really help people deal with issues instead of turning to food.
It makes me so glad that you’re taking a more holistic approach (for lack of a better word) as it really is about the mind, body & spirit connection. And not in a “woo woo” way….just taking a step back and looking at all areas of your life.
And it’s great that you’ve realized how far you’ve gone….you’ve come a long way baby! 🙂