Yesterday was one of those days when I was just completely overloaded: emotionally, physically, and every way. It was just TOO MUCH.
It started with a 6am wakeup and then being unable to find my bike shorts OR my swim cap and goggles, which I either left at the pool on Friday OR were taken at the pool. At any rate, they were missing. So I started out in a state of total discombobulation.
I carpooled to the swim/bike site with Lily. When we got there it was freeeeeeeeeeezing. I mean freezing. But thank goodness the water was warm and we got going on our pool workout.
I’d say the swim workout was the best part of the day. It wasn’t easy – I was often out of breath and tired – BUT I felt like I was improving and each small tip they gave us, like tucking our chins down, made a difference in my stroke quality. So that was awesome. The other good thing is that I got moved into the 2nd lane again, so I can feel confident that I am not in the beginner-beginner lane anymore. That made me feel encouraged. So it was a really good workout – probably 75 minutes or so – and I felt good about it.
Then we had to change clothes and get ready for the bike part. It started with a safety clinic and then a lesson in how to change a flat tire. I was noticing during that time that I was almost on the verge of tears and maybe some sort of panic attack (which is not typical for me). Just the thought of all the hazards they were describing were making me so anxious I could barely think. Then we had to take our tire off our bike, open it up and remove the tubing, blow it up with our mouth (!) then replace it and put it back on the bike. This entire process was just so fraught with anxiety for me. I didn’t know the name of anything or have any idea how any of it fit together or worked. I felt like I had been asked to remove the back of my computer and take apart the circuit board. I was a total deer in the headlights. Some of the coaches took mercy on me and kindly helped me out, like every 2 minutes, since I CLEARLY had no clue what I was doing, and I managed to do the whole thing. But it was still so anxiety filled for me. After that, the beginning level riders took off for a short ride but I had to leave to go to San Francisco for the SF Theater Festival where I was performing.
The whole notion of combining a workout day with a performance day was probably very, very bad. When I have a whole team workout, I pretty much collapse and go to bed after. And when I perform, I pretty much need several hours to calm and focus beforehand. So it was sort of a losing setup. I didn’t have time to shower as I had wanted, so I just changed and got in the car with crazy swimcap hair. Which was already a drain on my confidence. Then there was horrible bridge traffic in which I sat motionless for too long, and then my stupid GPS directed me to drive through SF CHINATOWN (ACKKKKKKK the worst place to drive EVER) and I got there with like a minute to spare.
The performance itself was… not my best. First, the amazing Zahra went before me. People kept streaming in through her whole show and we kept adding rows and rows and rows of more chairs. She probably had 100 people in there. Then, she finished, and like… 80 people left. That was… gulp. OK. Kind of demoralizing. So I already had bad hair, and no clue how to end my show, and a measly audience. I got through about 75% of it in strong form (I think) and then I pretty much tanked. It wasn’t the best. I had last tweaked the show for Fitbloggin and I knew I had to do something different, and I just didn’t have it together.
After my show I had to put in 3 hours of volunteer time ushering for the Festival, which was an unpleasant and resentful and exhausted way to spend the late afternoon. I was in a very bad mood.
Finally I came home and keeled over.
Today is a new day. I learned a lot yesterday. I learned that I HAVE to limit my activities or I’m just going to burn out. If I had yesterday to do over, I would have probably:
- Chosen one thing or another: the workout OR the performance.
- Chosen to perform my other piece which is polished and has a solid ending.
foodfoodbodybody 
August 8, 2011 at 12:51 pm
I was watching yesterday (uh virtually Im not stalking you IRL. yet :)) as you rushed from training to show.
it had to be exhausting draining and I admire you for even attempting and being strong enough and self-aware enough to shout never again.
and again.
I admire you.
you inspire me.
August 8, 2011 at 1:04 pm
Susan, I’ve thought before of sending you to my friend Jenny’s triathlon blog: http://triaspirational.blogspot.com/. I don’t know how you might find the posts, but she has had TREMENDOUS bike anxiety and is slowly getting over it, though it still does sometimes hobble her. Perhaps search “anxiety”? Or you could just contact her and ask how she has handled it – I can give you her address if you email me, or I think you can probably find it, she is quite a public person (Columbia professor).
August 8, 2011 at 3:24 pm
Aw. I road a LOT last year, and I never started again this year because I was/am afraid to start riding on the road again. Are there any trails where you can ride? Look up rails to trails or even some state parks have places where cyclists can ride car-free. I’m REALLY afraid of getting hit by a car, in general, but I did get over the road cycling fear by being vigilant and safe.
You can do this. And you have to. : ) And you can do a performance about it later! Look up mapmyride.com too. If you need help finding a place to ride, email me!
How fast are you hoping to go? You could maybe do some indoor training too.
XO Hang in there, babe!! You’re a brave warrior woman and YOU CAN DO IT!
August 8, 2011 at 5:11 pm
Take a deep breath and if you can, find somewhere by your house where you can go out on residential roads without a lot of traffic. Almost all of my bike training is done on residential roads. There are cars, depending on when I go out, sometimes more than others, but it’s been a good way to get used to sharing the road for me. I’m also afraid of biking in traffic, but I’ve gotten much more confident as I ride among some cars. Yesterday, I even raced in a downpour and didn’t panic. I almost didn’t go to the race because of the threat of rain. The rain didn’t start until I was already on the bike, so I didn’t have much choice. Each thing you do will make you feel better about riding. Just stay really alert and take it slow until you feel more comfortable.
Right after I got my first tire-changing lesson, my bike decided to get three flats in a row (something was wrong in the tire). I got through changing them all on my own, which was much easier than trying to do it in front of someone. You’ll figure it out. And then once you know how, you’ll never get a flat again. At my TNT race, I knew more about changing a tire than most of the men. That was kind of cool!
August 8, 2011 at 7:13 pm
I know you can do this. is there any type of bike trails in your area?
August 9, 2011 at 7:43 am
Wow! That sure was a lot to go through!! But you did it! You got through the day! With so much else on your plate for the day I’m sure the anxiety was magnified – hopefully things will get easier with time, practice, and days with less pressure! Rootin for ya! 🙂
August 11, 2011 at 3:14 pm
Next time you perform in SF, let me know. I would be there to cheer you on!
August 12, 2011 at 2:31 am
Wow! That is quite a fear! I saw your plea on fb for hypnosis recommendations. I know you can get over this. You are determined to tackle these fears and tear them down! You’re day sound quite exhausting, though. I get myself in those situations too and need to learn to prioritize more rather than trying to do it all.