Lying to oneself, that is. Telling yourself, “I’m getting lots of activity!” or “This can’t be too many points,” or whatever the thing is that one wants to believe.
I think that a combination of dishonesty and just plain denial contributed to my recent meltdown. And the only thing that could get me out of it was facing up to stuff with myself and then with some supportive others.
Tonight I noticed Geneen (Women Food and God) Roth’s status update on Facebook: “A last thought for the night: Truth, not force, does the work of ending compulsive eating.”
How true is that! Today I realized how “fuzzy” I had become in my thinking about all sorts of things: my exercise levels, my eating habits, and my thoughts. It was great to sit down last night and write out a list of what my WW BFF and I call “Our Unhelpful Habits” (as opposed to Weight Watchers’ HELPFUL Habits which we are constantly preaching!). It was a funny, painful, illuminating and humbling exercise.
Today I vowed to be more honest. I returned to REAL tracking of my food (as opposed to “quasi” tracking). I returned to multiple-times a day blood glucose monitoring. Now THAT was sobering. I knew that my fasting BGs had been creeping up but now I realize that so have my post-food ones. That was not happy news. But I am going to see my doctor next week and I will deal with it. What else can I do? I hope that I can just increase my oral medication a bit and not make the leap to insulin. Cross fingers, people! (for those of you who have seen my show you know this is the moment for AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION!)
My little Philips DirectLife has also been very interesting in the honesty department. It definitely lets me know (with extra commentary from my DL coach!) what I’m doing vs what I *think* or *wish* I was doing. So, my daily calorie target (based on my weight, age, goals etc) is 741 cals burned. I’ve been wearing this thing a while and have NEVER gotten to that number. So today, on top of my morning walk/run, I also: USED THE STAIRS to get to my 9th floor office; had a very active WW meeting, and THEN went for ANOTHER walk before dinner! I mean come on. I got home and the graph said I’d burned 734. OMG. I put it back on, did 30 jumping jacks, and voila! 743!!! FINALLY!
But there have been days, a lot of them, when I felt like, “I’ve done enough,” and really it wasn’t.
Hopefully this will be my 2nd wind, my round two towards better health. And I do believe that being honest about things is THE ONLY WAY.