I thought about starting this blog a few days ago. I set it up yesterday. During this time, the things I imagined I would write have changed dramatically.
On Thursday, two days ago, I went in to the lab to get some bloodwork done. This at the urging of my physician husband who has been “concerned” about my health. Which brought up huge Feelings in me, because I felt all resentful and indignant that he would be “concerned” about me when I am only about 20 lbs overweight rather than like 100 lbs overweight. It made me feel pathologized and messed up and criticized for nothing.
So that was one part of the whole complicated story. But this morning he came to me with the results in hand. They were not good. Bottom line: my good cholesterol is too low, my bad cholesterol is too high, and I am 2 blood sugar points away from being officially diabetic. (123, and diabetic is 125)
Last time I got these measured I was about 10 lbs less, and was exercising more and doing a modified sort of South Beach thing.
But somewhere in the year or two since then, I started having this “fuck it” attitude and angry about having to change or modify or restrict my diet. The weight came back and well, here I am.
It’s hard. It’s hard. But I think I have sufficiently woken up.
Two of my favorite TV shows are “The Biggest Loser” and “Top Chef.” Ha. SO what does that say?
My lifelong “relationship” with food and my body have been SO fraught, and complicated, and struggly. I started this blog in order to help deal with the struggles.
Please please do not give me diet advice. I am hoping that people who read this blog will be able to relate to my struggles on some level, and there can be some solidarity, and some way to deal with all of it.
SO here I am. Two days ago, I was all defiant and resentful. Today I am staring that 123 number in the face. I can’t forget the expression he had when he pointed to that number and said, “You were fasting? Really?” And the way his shoulders slumped when I nodded.
I also think I sort of came to this myself, a little bit. On Tuesday I was supposed to write, but had to put it off until the afternoon. My lunch included a lot of (white) rice. In the afternoon I was so tired and out of it I couldn’t even think. I was going to joke that this is what my husband calls “Postprandial Fatigue.” I googled PPF and realized one, it fit my description perfectly and two, that it is a #1 symptom of Metabolic Syndrome, which is what I guess I have. It sort of stunned me because I thought PPF happened to EVERYbody, including normal people. But apparently not. I’ve been mulling on that one for the past few days too.
When I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter, I got gestational diabetes (which puts one at risk for regular diabetes later; I guess it is knocking at my door now). I was able to test my blood and to stop eating sugar like right away and it was no hardship because I was doing it for my baby’s sake.
I hope I am able to make good changes for my own sake now. But I can tell you it is going to be an emotional ride.
January 17, 2009 at 5:20 pm
I’ll do that hill with you…
January 17, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Thank you Jade. My calves are SCREAMING today because I did a huge cemetery workout on Thursday but I would really like to do that, seriously. Thanks.
January 17, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Now I get why this blog isn’t just an excuse not to work on your other projects. I had a similar wake-up call a year ago and am in much better shape (test numbers-wise) now. It can be done. AND YOU WILL DO IT! xo, G
January 17, 2009 at 6:51 pm
I understand this now. I keep having my own wakeup calls. Move my body, connect to my chi, yes I could stand to eat less white food (sugar, flour my big downfalls). No matter how extreme my health stuff, I have not been willing to give up sugar for longer than a few weeks; and in my case my Dr. doesn’t believe sugar matters one way or the other. And yet…
Furthermore the treatment I’m on makes me gain weight, and the extra body fat generates more of the hormone that drives the illness…
So I am not making any promises about MY diet but I am glad to show up at your blog and support you in your quest. Awareness will maybe help me keep tuned in to my body, how I choose to use it & feed it. Bless you foody…
January 17, 2009 at 9:18 pm
My wake up call came in 2001 with menopause and sudden appetite changes and weight gain, and the alarm’s still ringing. Our battles may be different, but I’m with you 100%!
January 18, 2009 at 12:42 am
I hear you loud and clear. Having just devoured two pancakes this morning (with butter and syrup, natch), I feel bloated and heavy and am thinking: WHY? I wasn’t planning to eat them, but just to feed the 4 girls. And last night I ate an entire POT of popcorn popped the old- fashioned way, in butter and oil, on the stove. (It tastes so much better that way.) The oil was Olive Oil because that’s supposed to be much healthier…
It isn’t a matter of looks anymore, but of health for me, too. And yet my brain switches off at the same time each night–around 9 pm– and I eat, eat, eat. Any thoughts on how to change this?
January 18, 2009 at 3:35 am
I just got a related wake-up call, earlier than I imagined I would: I’ve just been diagnosed with gestational diabetes. And my mom has type 2 diabetes, so now I’m not only concerned for baby, but I’m shaking in my boots — what if I really have (previously undiagnosed) type 2, and not gestational? Guess I’ll find out soon enough. *sigh* Some of us have all the luck, right?
I hear you on the lifelong food/body struggle. Fraught, indeed.
January 18, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Just wanted to let you know that I am here for you and am honored to witness where you are at. xoxo,Limor
January 18, 2009 at 4:50 pm
I’m so lucky to have this community of supportive friends. Please keep returning because I think I am going to be blogging a LOT.
January 19, 2009 at 9:51 pm
you are SO on time with this and I’m here to be in solidarity with you. I hope you’ll be okay with me sharing my struggles with you. I sat on my ass writing over vacation and I think I gained 10 lbs. Im heavier than I have ever been in my life. Im determined this year to do something about it. I’m in solidarity with you on so many levels. I’m just trying to at least exercise 3 times a week ( i only do one now and its super super low impact yoga) and try to make conscious decisions about when and what I eat. Imma get back on my Spark people to start logging my food again. I set a private goal of 30 lbs by August. I’m scared to ever tell anyone because Im afraid I will fail.