eat, move, think, feel

Have I Been Hiding? January 23, 2012

It doesn’t really FEEL like I’ve been hiding – more like, “I’m really busy,” or “Time just got away from me,” etc. Stuff you’ve heard before. But you know that conventional wisdom says that If a fitness blogger seems to, er… disappear, then chances are high that something is not right. That they’ve fallen off the wagon, or gained weight, or lost their fitness, or all of the above.

I’ve had some pretty big gaps in blogging recently and although I have all these Excuses, it probably has come down to the fact that I was in a fair bit of struggle. Mostly with myself. And it’s only now that I am able to come back the blog because I feel like I’ve made it out the other side (I think). I wish that I had been able to be more open and to have shared some of that struggle here, but clearly – that just wasn’t happening.

During the time I’ve been gone, my 3rd healthaversary/blogaversary came and went. It’s a first for me not to note this with a commemorative, celebratory blog. But this anniversary had me feeling more sober than other years. Realizing, I guess, that this is a lifelong journey and that there’s no guarantee that it’s going to just Happen. In several ways I was feeling like I had let myself down and that I had been in a period of failing. It wasn’t a good feeling. But having the healthaversary celebration to celebrate my intention was a good thing, I think, and it helped get me back on my good path. Here are some of my friends doing our annual Walking of the Labyrinth on a cold and drizzly Sunday. Then we came back to the house for a nice brunch that made me feel all nourished, both physically and socially.

walking the labyrinth

On Monday, the next day, I had a little mini breakdown/meltdown. I reached out to a friend who really helped me. Until that point, I had not felt like I could share my struggles with anyone. In retrospect, that is just so sad and dumb and wrong. I know that I have SO many people who would so gladly “be there” for me, but my disappointment in myself was just too huge. As it turned out, I reached out to exactly the right person and it was a major turning point for me.

Somehow over the past couple of months I felt like I lost the me I wanted to be, and it was hard finding my way back. I had a bunch of setbacks including a break-in (busted back window) of my car with a purse robbery included. That wasn’t much fun. But first through walking the circles of the labyrinth, and then through opening up to one friend and then more (and now to all of you) it has made a huge difference. Things have lightened up considerably (including me, no pun intended).  Today I ran 9 miles in the rain, something I have been attempting over and over the past few weeks and just could not accomplish.

Next weekend is the Tinkerbell Half Marathon in Disneyland, which I’ll be doing with Junior and Juniorette. I am in nowhere near the condition I had hoped to be in, but judging by today’s 9 miler I think I can survive it. I hope we’ll have some fun together and then I’ll be turning my direction toward the new triathlon season. I can’t even begin to describe how excited, nervous and thrilled this makes me.

So, with much relief, I feel like I am “back.”

Have you ever “gone away” from fitness for a while? What helped you come back?


7 Responses to “Have I Been Hiding?”

  1. Wendy Says:

    I’m so glad you are back, Foodie. I love you!

  2. Diandra Says:

    Never for more than a weekend, I guess… I start missing it. But some weeks my level of fitness and general heath activity is definitely lower than others.

  3. I think it’s a continual leaving and coming back…hopefully with less time in between, but also recognizing that sometimes we need the in between. I find that it’s harder to be consistent in the winter, and so I try not to beat myself up when what I’d really like to be doing is hibernating😉

    Glad you’re back…it’s all good!

  4. Shannon Says:

    SO happy to see you posting again! You are right your changes are life long and it’s okay to get mad or annoyed or just give up (for a minute) as long as you come back around.
    I have been so surprised since I came back (to blog land) just how many people are MIA and it makes me sad. I am also guilty for disappearing.
    What made me come back… It is all in my chooing happy post but most of all I realized I wanted to be happy and really thought about when I was the most happy. I wanted it back and commited to make the changes I need to.
    You have ALWAYS helped me along the way and been such a strength. You have started so just keep putting one foot in front of the other!

  5. mendingjen Says:

    sometimes, we just have to work through what is in our head to even be able to make it make sense on “paper” – or is that just me. I was struggling so hard with jen in real life. It was like it has a mind of its own and I had no control. I was gaining weight and not admitting it, i was hurting and not facing it. New blog did a world of good for me. I have been able to be more open, more me, more honest with myself.

    You may not need a whole new blog, but you obviously needed to step back for a while.

    Glad you are back!


  6. Miz Says:

    welcome home.
    it is all a process huh?
    always a dance.

  7. merri Says:

    Where is that labyrinth? In Oakland or sf? I’m sorry about the break in. when my apartment got broken into in November I felt very naked, so I understand. Once I got started with working out yrs ago, its such a familiar thing to fall back on that I haven’t stopped since. But I have gotten away from being healthy in other ways. I just had to wait it out and get back into a better frame of mind, and try to change the things that were bothering me.

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