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Just Musing

Are people who are overweight and then lose weight perceived as being more attractive than people who just ARE at normal weight?  I’ve been meeting up with people I haven’t seen in months and so many of them seem to be shocked by how FANTASTIC I look. And although it is nice (but somewhat squirmy too, I never know what to say other than a sheepish “thanks”) I wonder if they are really thinking, “OMG you used to be such a fat frumpy cow, I can’t believe you actually wear zipped up pants now!”

I wonder if people meeting me for the first time now think there is anything at all remarkable about my appearance, or if I just seem like a regular, average-ish kind of person.

Or is it that people expect people to kind of get worse looking, and in worse shape as they get older, so when somebody reverses that trend it’s really like WOW?

I know that in the past couple of years, I attributed many things to being “old.” Like I had these big fat pads on my knees. I had never had fat knees before and I thought, this is because I’m getting old. Um NO. It was because I was FAT!  I had all kinds of aches and pains that I attributed to age. Guess what? THOSE aches are gone, and the aches I have now are only because of exercise and running crooked (still working on that!).

I’m not sure where I’m going with all of this, just some foggy thoughts on a (happily) foggy morning. I love exercising in chilly weather!

14

Momentum, Lost

I was worried this would happen – that during this time of year I would be so stressed from coordinating my big family camp, that I would just lose my momentum altogether. And at one point I was all determined that it would NOT happen. But, well, it did, sort of. Not completely. I didn’t go totally off the deep end and eat myself into a stress coma, but I DID lose an entire week of exercise, maybe more. (almost 2 weeks?) I knew in that week before camp that at least a WALK would have done me so much good, but I just… didn’t.  Every day I told myself I’d at least try to get in a walk or a 30 minute Jillian video, but neither of those things happened. Which sort of perplexes me and bums me  out. With ALL that I know about how good and helpful exercise is, I still had this inner resistance. With this voice that said, loudly, I’m too busy. And yes, I WAS busy, but I could have taken 20 or 30 minutes a day and it would have helped. But I didn’t. However, I did continue to make decent food choices during that time.

When I was at camp itself, I wore my pedometer and was walking a minimum of 4 miles a day, just running around doing camp stuff. In addition, I took one good (steep) hike and did one ill-fated run. (more on that later) So I felt good about that. The food at camp… well, it was overall fairly bad but they did have a good salad bar. So that often saved me. But on the last day or two I felt myself sliding a bit. I had a couple cookies. I ate some Cream of Wheat and other stuff I normally wouldn’t. But it wasn’t an all out disaster.

When I got home, I was up a pound or two (I had lost those 2 lbs before I left, so I wasn’t panicking). But the all out disaster came the day after I got home. I had been itching a little at camp. But the day after I got home (yesterday?) I had a huge, terrible outbreak of poison oak. Remember that run I did? Well I was about a mile from camp and had to go to the bathroom REALLY BAD. And you know how uncomfortable it is to run when you have to go. So I went in the woods. And… yeah, I got it THERE.

I have never known such horrible, insane, burning itching! Welts! I couldn’t open one eye. My lips were enormous and weeping fluid. On my face, chest, back, arms, legs… and yeah, THERE. Ugh ugh ugh ugh. I tried to go to my trainer yesterday morning but he took one look, would not come NEAR me and told me to go get a cortisone shot ASAP. I didn’t do that, but I did start taking prednisone. Which has my blood sugars all whacked. But I can’t not do this.

So, I’m stressed. I was so uncomfortable yesterday I didn’t want to MOVE but today I am feeling like things are calming down a bit. I might go for a walk later on.

The worst part? Yesterday I had the worst “food” day ever since January. I was scheduled to make lunch for 30 kids in my daughter’s theater group (they are in all day rehearsals now). She requested homemade mac and cheese (MY NEMESIS). And I think the combination of stress, the poison oak, totally losing my healthy mojo, and I just lost it. Two plates of mac and cheese (don’t even ask how many “portions” that may have been) and two brownies. BROWNIES. Wahh!

What was going through my head? (“Well, my blood sugars are already up from the prednisone, let’s make it even worse! or let’s disguise it.”) Or I don’t even know. I think my head was not working. Did you know that steroids can also make one emotionally and mentally whacked? Let’s blame it on the steroids!

Well, it had to happen sooner or later. And what did I learn from it? I learned that the mac and cheese was not as incredibly awesome as I’d dreamed. In fact, I think the reason I ate so much of it was I was chasing that elusive high, waiting for it to transport me into ecstasy, when it really didn’t. (the brownies, however, were darn good)

So I’ve learned. It’s been a humbling experience. I am ready to get back on the horse or the wagon or the donkey. I know it feels 100x better to act and be healthy than it does to make the unfortunate choices I’ve been making.

I’m glad that there wasn’t HUGE harm done – in the past this period has been much worse and lasted much longer and meant 10-15 lbs gain instead of the two or four that it probably is.

This post is getting really long but I wanted to say another that I learned. You know that quote, “You are what you repeatedly do.” That is so so so true. When I didn’t Tweet for a week, I also lost the momentum of that community and what it does for me. I came back, and I felt…. out of it. It would be so easy to fall away. But I don’t want to. I know that my blogging friends  are still out there, and I really need y’all.

I need a hand up on the wagon. Circle back round for me, will ya?

15

A Great Half Year

Today was SUCH a better day than yesterday. Whew! I don’t have a huge amount of time, but here’s a summary:

  • It’s July 1 and many people were ruminating on their New Year’s resolutions and what has happened in this first half of 2009. Well, I have to say it has been totally awesome from my perspective. It has way surpassed my expectations. In fact, on January 1, 2009 I was so overweight and bummed and hopeless about it, I did not make any resolutions because I felt there was no chance of making good on anything. Then on January 17th I got my pre-diabetes diagnosis and everything changed. I began this blog. I started seeking out a healthy community. And, as they say, the rest is history. My body and self have changed more in these six months than any other period in my life, other than pregnancy. (or perhaps the first six months) It has been a great period of transformation. I’m really happy with the first half of this year, and anticipate an excellent 2nd half as well. (I’ll be turning 50!)
  • I had two MD appointments today: with my endocrinologist and my cardiologist. Both were totally impressed and pleased with my progress in every area. My weight loss and exercise have made for some dramatic and good changes in my blood pressure, blood glucose, lipids and other important health numbers. The two of them did convince me that it is time to go on statins, and this time I felt OK about it and I agreed. I’m cool with it. I will pick up my Zocor tomorrow.
  • I did two workouts today and I felt great with both: first, I did level 2 of Jillian Michael’s 30Day Shred. I guess I’m not going to Shred in 30 days since I hardly do it every day. But it felt really good. It IS a lot harder than level 1, but I kept it up and even followed the Hard Girl for about 80% of it. I was sweating rivers when I was done, and felt great. She had some moves in there that I had never done before, like “plank-jacks” (horizontal jumping jacks while in plank position) and oblique twists. I was psyched about it. Then this evening I did the Cemetery Workout (yes in a cemetery – photos here) and one of my old workout buddies whom I haven’t seen in FOREVER showed up, and that was big fun.
  • I received an email from someone I had not heard from in 10 years, and it made me very happy.
  • I was happy that my “tired” state from yesterday really lasted only like 24 hours. I am as bouncy as ever today.
11

(Undesperately) Seeking Balance

At one of my WW staff training sessions, the leader warned us all that it was going to be potentially tricky, to balance WW work with our own health and fitness. At the time I didn’t really get what she was talking about. But it hit me last night.

After my traveling weekend, I had plans to go to an exercise class last night. I was realllly looking forward to it. But about an hour before, I got a call from a WW leader that a receptionist/weigh-in person was needed, like right away.

Of course, I could have said no. On the other hand, when one is in a new position it is a good thing to be seen as helpful and responsive. AND, I really feel that I could use as much mentoring/training as I can get. There are so many minute details involved in this job, and I think the more practice, the better. So I said sure.

This was my third training session and my second time doing weigh-ins. My mentor was great in helping me with doing a practice run-through before they opened the doors. I felt a lot more relaxed than I did the last time. I also felt very strongly how incredibly intimate this is, to see someone’s weight like that. It’s so personal. I had a bit of a flash that the little weigh-in booth is not unlike a confessional, but instead of prescribing ten Hail Marys or whatever, we hand them a fresh tracker and the chance to start a new week.

I was less nervous about the myriad little details this time, so I felt like I was able to really focus more on the people. I felt so much tenderness for these people as they performed the ritual removing of shoes, watches, belts, ANYthing before they stepped up. I think it is a really big deal, and important, that WW staff are also WW members. I SO know what they are going through. (in fact, I need to do my WI for this week, and have been procrastinating!) I kept thinking of the Buddhist loving-kindness (“metta”) prayer in my head: (may you be happy. may you be safe. may you be peaceful) But I expanded it a little bit, adding silently: may you be healthy. may you be free of shame.  I kept repeating this in my head in between members.

One woman achieved a big goal she had been striving toward for a long time. She was so happy, and I was so thrilled for her. High fives all around! It was like being a store owner whose customer wins the lottery. It was really exciting! I had four people up for various “recognitions” and I was really so glad for all of them. And for the people who gained, I tried to offer as much support and encouragement as I could. I think I did a good job, and my mentor had some really kind and complimentary words for me afterward.

When I got home, it was pretty late and I had not yet had dinner. I ate and then did not feel like exercising. It was already dark.

AH, I thought. So THIS is the balance thing they were talking about.

I watched the new show, Dance Your Ass Off, which is sort of a combination of Biggest Loser and Dance With the Stars. I am already a sucker for such shows, and this one really really impressed me. It involves a number of very overweight people who are trying to shed pounds AND compete in dance competitions.  For one, these people all had great personalities and were great dancers. Their confidence was so out there, and that put them miles ahead of the general population, as far as I’m concerned.

It’s hard to dance and show your body when you’re not feeling it’s in its optimal shape. But they were all out there – jumping and strutting and shimmying and just going wild with beautiful exuberance. I felt quite emotional while watching them. I am a terrible, self-conscious dancer who has never felt good about how I might look. I feel like I have no coordination and that I just look foolish. Recently a friend of mine had a dance party for her birthday and while I had fun, I also felt like I was the biggest klutz out there.  I only really felt comfortable dancing with my husband. At one point we had to switch partners and I think one of my partners was absolutely incredulous at how bad I was. SO… I am completely awed by the folks on this show who are so good, and they’re definitely choosing a super fun way to get into better shape. My hat is so off to them!!

Today, I am going to exercise no. matter. what.

3

Running Up That Hill

Had another NSV (nonscale victory) today.  For the longest time (5+ years, ever sinc we have lived here) one of my biggest nemeses has been this HILL around the corner from my house. That hill lies between our home and this beautiful regional park where I love to walk/run. But the problem is that the HILL is extremely steep. And since it comes at the very beginning of my workout, I am often winded, stiff, and in pain as I do the worst part of my workout first. It used to make me so cranky and distraught that I would avoid working out altogether, because by the time I got to the top of the hill I would be in such a bad mood that basically the stress hormone in my body (cortisol) negated any endorphins I might enjoy.

That hill was seriously psyching me out. I used to tell my trainer, “If I could ONLY get to the point where that hill doesn’t kill me….” But after 3 years of training, the hill was still kicking my butt. Not one time went by when I didn’t have to stop halfway up, lean over with hands on knees, gasp, pant and swear a bit. It really felt bad. I wanted to be able to make it up the hill without feeling like I was dying halfway.

Sometime in February, I made a deal with myself that I would not put myself through the Agony of the hill, because I knew I was avoiding walking in the park because I hated the hill so much. I told myself it was OK to DRIVE the stupid 1/4 mile to the parking lot, get out and walk or run from there. So that I wouldn’t get myself all distraught by doing the hill first.

Well, so guess what happened today? You can guess! THE HILL DID NOT KILL ME! Sure, I was breathing harder than normal, but I kept up my fast rate, I didn’t stop, and I didn’t feel like utter crap by the time I got to the top. It was just what I had always hoped for.

Today, I told myself I was going to “take it easy” because I’d been doing very hard workouts this week. I ran three times, did a few killer gym workouts, and did 1000x hops on the spin bike. My arms were screaming from the many pushups and crab walks I did.  I didn’t want to skip exercise altogether so I told myself, just walk in the park. It’ll be a … walk in the park! (LOL) I set off with my music and chugged up the hill. YAY.

I ran into a friend of mine I haven’t seen in a few months. She was running. She stopped and said many nice, shocked statements about my size and state of fitness. That was nice. (although I realize I am not exactly graceful at accepting compliments yet. I guess the appropriate response is probably a simple ‘thank you’)

I continued on. One of my “running songs” came on (“Heat Wave” by Linda Ronstadt) I couldn’t help it. I started running. I just ran until the song was over, then resumed walking. Then another “running song” came on (“Don’t Fear the Reaper” which is one of my favorites ever). I ran again. This happened 3 or 4 times and at one point, I was at this very steep hill (much like the one near my house) out on the trail. Normally I feel pretty macho if I just WALK fast up that thing. But I kept running. I was like, HOLY CRAP I AM RUNNING UP A HILL.

Remember that old Kate Bush song, “Running Up That Hill?” I used to love that song. Anyway, some of the lyrics go

“If I only could, I’d be running up that hill.
If I only could, I’d be running up that hill.”
And if I only could,
I’d make a deal with God,
And I’d get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh…

And EVERY TIME I heard that song, I’d sort of sigh a little bit and think, *I* could never run up ANY freaking hill.

But look at me now.

6

Little Tidbits of This and That

Last night I had an absolutely delicious and beautiful lobster dinner. There’s a local restaurant featuring special lobster dinners for $20 on Tuesdays and I jumped at the chance, along with the other adults in my family. I ate all the accompanying buttery rice pilaf. There was a lot of butter on that table. Also had one bite of dessert. But no wine or other drinks this time. I think the butter was enough.

Today, I worked out twice. In the gym with my trainer in the morning (5 double lengths of monkey walk, 20 minutes of hard stairmaster, and some pull up thingies). Then an hour of outdoor class with a group (again with my trainer) in the evening. I ran more than half of it. Hills, hills, hills. It felt good.

I didn’t work out at all yesterday. So today had to happen. But I liked it a lot.

Tomorrow morning, more running with my 5k buddy.

Also: got more official stuff from The Company today. Turns out I am A-OK, officially, fine print, legal-wise, etc. And I got my official ID card. So it’s all proceeding as per the plan.

OH, and I did some more clothes shopping today. Remember my shopping spree back in April? Many of those clothes are too large now. Luckily, I still have tags on some and can return them. Other stuff is just big. I am constantly walking around, hiking up my pants. Today I woke up and it was ridiculously freezing out. I went to the one small department store in our neighborhood.  It has a lot of inexpensive polyester stuff with elastic waistbands, but occasionally some decent things hidden here and there. I felt desperate to get some WARM clothing because it is in the 50s here and all the new clothes I bought are summer wear. I ended up buying two pairs of pants: one in a size 6 (WHAT MEEEE???) and one size ten. They both fit me fine. Two different brands.  Funny that size 8 was too big in the one brand and too small in the other. Ha.  Then I bought a size L quilted vest that was ALMOST too small. Isn’t that weird? It is OK when I am upright, but when I am sitting I sort of have to suck it in like Scarlett OHara in her corset. Almost.

So, that was my day.

I finished it up by watching Top Chef Masters which I loved to bits. They had to create a dinner from LOST island ingredients (including Dharma Initiative canned food, ha!) so I was just giddy happy watching it. The Top Chef Masters is overall a LOT more fun to watch than regular TC (although I do miss Padma and Tom). The chefs are relaxed, they are collegial and respectful and they aren’t the least bit insecure or mean or bitchy. So I’m liking it a lot.

Good night now!

6

OMG I Won!

I won the FabFatties Healthy Challenge! I can’t believe it. I think it had a lot to do with the many people I recruited the first day, AND to the daily workouts which really added up the points. I didn’t think I was doing that spectacularly, but clearly that was pretty good!

I’m wondering about all the people I recruited who did NOT send their points in to be tabulated.  Did you do the challenge? What happened? I am very curious about the members of Team Foodie and how it all went for people. Things seemed to get pretty quiet over here after the first day. Was it too much to keep track of? Too much to do? Did you do it but not track it? Or…?

WHAT HAPPENED? I want to know.

5

Travel, Please Don’t Bite Me

Over the past few months, I have not done so hot with travel experiences, in terms of eating and exercising. Even when I TRIED to “do good” I would come back with a few extra pounds (even for a measly week-end!). I am going away this weekend for 3.5 days and I do NOT want any extra pounds. I really want to get to that goal number next week.

One thing I realized recently is that whereas I used to really really overate when I was stressed, angry, sad, afraid, depressed etc. I don’t do that anymore. (YAY) But what I DO do is tend to overeat when I am happy or overstimulated or excited. I’m psyched to be with folks I really like, and I am all excited to be talking to them, and I just sort of lose consciousness. It isn’t in a BIG way but enough so that I gain a pound or two, and then it takes a week or two to get back down.

This weekend I am going to a thrilling event that I KNOW will be exciting. So I have to come up with a really solid plan for the “excitement/distraction” factor. I also have to plan out my exercise. I just looked on the website for the hotel where I’ll be and was massively annoyed to see that while they have a nice looking fitness center, they charge $20 a day FOR HOTEL GUESTS. (more for non guests!) That just irks me no end. But I think I will probably end up forking it over (sigh).  Actually, 3 days of fitness-center fees is less than one session with my trainer, and I’m not seeing him this week, so I guess it comes out even. But still. I hate that. I’d rather pay an overall jacked up hotel rate than be nickel and dimed like this.

I also need to think about food. I really do not want to be so intense that I carry a little cooler of food around with me, especially on an airplane.  I think I am going to scope out the neighborhood when I get there and see if I can find some fruit and other good stuff. But I’m not toting my food around.

I’ve already made a vow to myself that I will not drink alcohol during the weekend and I will not eat sweets. Other than that, I will try and get a good workout each day, to be mindful of portion control, and Make Good Choices. If anybody else has any good suggestions, I’m all ears (eyes?).

2

Why I Need to Exercise (Almost) Every Day

I’ve actually exercised probably 6 out of 7 days, most weeks, for the past several months. And on days that I don’t I realllly feel it. I’m cranky and irritable and depressed. It’s kind of strange. I was never quite sure about this endorphins thing, but now I am a true believer. And it’s hard to fathom that I actually had years of not feeling very happy, and that was my “normal.” Now I feel like it is normal to be pretty happy – I mean REALLY happy, and enthusiastic about life- most of the time, and when I don’t feel that way, it’s like something is wrong.

I know that I used to think that it was best to exercise 5 days a week. Which is very good! Especially compared to my 2x a week (if that) in previous times. But then the question would be, what days would I NOT exercise?

Yesterday I had all intentions of going to cardio boxing class at 6pm. But I worked until 5, and I really wanted to cook dinner at home, and the logistics of it were just impossible. So I told myself I’d exercise after dinner. My EA Sports Wii thingie even came in the mail. But I was too tired. (or so I told myself) and so I didn’t do anything. And my mood just dropped and dropped as the evening progressed, and I went to bed feeling crummy.

Today, I wasn’t sure when or how it was going to happen. I thought, I might not do anything today either. But I don’t think I’ve skipped TWO days in a very long time. I had gotten up really early to take my daughter to the airport. So by 4pm I was super sleepy. I really wanted a nap.

I Twittered aboutt this. (I LOVE TWITTER, in case you haven’t noticed!) Some people suggested that I nap since I probably needed to. But a bunch of people said (rightly so) that if I exercised, I’d probably feel a lot better. I hemmed and hawed and in the end I decided to “walk” down at the track near my house. It was low pressure and I figured it would be better than nothing. But when I got there, there were already two women on the track. One was in her mid-sixties and the other had to be in her 70s. The 60-something woman was RUNNING. (slowly, but running) I was wildly impressed, seeing her white hair bounce around. I thought, come ON, I can do that. So I walked two laps (1/2 mile) to warm up and then I figured I’d run as long as felt OK.

I ran for 30 minutes nonstop. It felt SO SO GOOD. I was so happy! and not sleepy anymore. And certainly not grumpy.

I went to the grocery store and got some very delicous black bean burgers, and turkey burgers. Then I found those super thin hamburger buns which made me very happy. Guess what? The black bean burgers were less than half the points of the turkey burgers. The super thin buns were one point each. YAY!! I added cheese and avocado, I went crazy.  And they tasted really, really good.

Anyway, it was a good day. And it reminded me once again how good it feels to move around. I am really really happy when I have nice sweat rivulets running down my face. So I’ve decided that my default will be to do SOMEthing every day. And if I can’t for whatever reason, then that will be my rest day, but when I get up it won’t be “do I exercise today?” but rather “what/where/when will I exercise?”

This is so new. And so good.

7

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