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A Little Nervous Without My Scale

I’ve been on vacation, celebrating my birthday in high style, since last Friday. Up here on the river, it’s mostly been a very blissful experience, floating about on the water, visiting with friends, eating well, and generally feeling very happy. Yesterday I went for a good run. But I’m feeling a little bit nervous because I don’t know what all this celebrating is meaning for my weight.

I know one friend who brings her scale with her wherever she goes. I actually considered that – we drove up in two cars, so there was plenty of room – but I resisted. But being without it has made me realize how I rely on it to keep on track. I know, I know, there is the whole “throw your scale away!” contingent out there. I realize that I’m not ready to do it. I actually HAVE been known to gain as much as 5 lbs (more?) in a week. And if that happens, I’ll deal with it. But I do think that knowing, on a daily basis, if it has crept up one or two, really does help keep me accountable.

I’m just… curious. On the day of my big birthday party, we had lots of good food. Including cake. I didn’t go WILD but I was nibbling a lot through the day. I had one piece of cake (it was goooooooooood) and luckily for me, we finished it off in one sitting so there were no leftovers.  Last night we went out to dinner. Tonight we’re going to a birthday celebration for my cousin-in-law, who is also staying up here for vacation. I just don’t know what the cumulative effect of all of this is.

It makes me relieved that now that I am a Lifetime member of WW which means I only have to weigh in once a month instead of once a week. I am confident that I’ll be able to get back into range by next month. But if it was a weekly situation, probably not. (sigh) HOW unfair is it that it’s so easy to gain 3-5 pounds in a week, and almost impossible to lose the same?

I guess I will find out when we go home on Friday.  Meanwhile, I’m wondering.

13

Momentum, Lost

I was worried this would happen – that during this time of year I would be so stressed from coordinating my big family camp, that I would just lose my momentum altogether. And at one point I was all determined that it would NOT happen. But, well, it did, sort of. Not completely. I didn’t go totally off the deep end and eat myself into a stress coma, but I DID lose an entire week of exercise, maybe more. (almost 2 weeks?) I knew in that week before camp that at least a WALK would have done me so much good, but I just… didn’t.  Every day I told myself I’d at least try to get in a walk or a 30 minute Jillian video, but neither of those things happened. Which sort of perplexes me and bums me  out. With ALL that I know about how good and helpful exercise is, I still had this inner resistance. With this voice that said, loudly, I’m too busy. And yes, I WAS busy, but I could have taken 20 or 30 minutes a day and it would have helped. But I didn’t. However, I did continue to make decent food choices during that time.

When I was at camp itself, I wore my pedometer and was walking a minimum of 4 miles a day, just running around doing camp stuff. In addition, I took one good (steep) hike and did one ill-fated run. (more on that later) So I felt good about that. The food at camp… well, it was overall fairly bad but they did have a good salad bar. So that often saved me. But on the last day or two I felt myself sliding a bit. I had a couple cookies. I ate some Cream of Wheat and other stuff I normally wouldn’t. But it wasn’t an all out disaster.

When I got home, I was up a pound or two (I had lost those 2 lbs before I left, so I wasn’t panicking). But the all out disaster came the day after I got home. I had been itching a little at camp. But the day after I got home (yesterday?) I had a huge, terrible outbreak of poison oak. Remember that run I did? Well I was about a mile from camp and had to go to the bathroom REALLY BAD. And you know how uncomfortable it is to run when you have to go. So I went in the woods. And… yeah, I got it THERE.

I have never known such horrible, insane, burning itching! Welts! I couldn’t open one eye. My lips were enormous and weeping fluid. On my face, chest, back, arms, legs… and yeah, THERE. Ugh ugh ugh ugh. I tried to go to my trainer yesterday morning but he took one look, would not come NEAR me and told me to go get a cortisone shot ASAP. I didn’t do that, but I did start taking prednisone. Which has my blood sugars all whacked. But I can’t not do this.

So, I’m stressed. I was so uncomfortable yesterday I didn’t want to MOVE but today I am feeling like things are calming down a bit. I might go for a walk later on.

The worst part? Yesterday I had the worst “food” day ever since January. I was scheduled to make lunch for 30 kids in my daughter’s theater group (they are in all day rehearsals now). She requested homemade mac and cheese (MY NEMESIS). And I think the combination of stress, the poison oak, totally losing my healthy mojo, and I just lost it. Two plates of mac and cheese (don’t even ask how many “portions” that may have been) and two brownies. BROWNIES. Wahh!

What was going through my head? (“Well, my blood sugars are already up from the prednisone, let’s make it even worse! or let’s disguise it.”) Or I don’t even know. I think my head was not working. Did you know that steroids can also make one emotionally and mentally whacked? Let’s blame it on the steroids!

Well, it had to happen sooner or later. And what did I learn from it? I learned that the mac and cheese was not as incredibly awesome as I’d dreamed. In fact, I think the reason I ate so much of it was I was chasing that elusive high, waiting for it to transport me into ecstasy, when it really didn’t. (the brownies, however, were darn good)

So I’ve learned. It’s been a humbling experience. I am ready to get back on the horse or the wagon or the donkey. I know it feels 100x better to act and be healthy than it does to make the unfortunate choices I’ve been making.

I’m glad that there wasn’t HUGE harm done – in the past this period has been much worse and lasted much longer and meant 10-15 lbs gain instead of the two or four that it probably is.

This post is getting really long but I wanted to say another that I learned. You know that quote, “You are what you repeatedly do.” That is so so so true. When I didn’t Tweet for a week, I also lost the momentum of that community and what it does for me. I came back, and I felt…. out of it. It would be so easy to fall away. But I don’t want to. I know that my blogging friends  are still out there, and I really need y’all.

I need a hand up on the wagon. Circle back round for me, will ya?

15

I Just Wanted To Taste It Again

White rice, that is. I haven’t had white rice (other than half-bites of sushi) since I began this blog in January. It was a terrible drugged fatigue after a lunchtime rice bowl that led me to finally agree to get my blood tested and I got my (pre)diabetes diagnosis. So it’s been a long time. Ever since then, my live-in mother has cooked white rice virtually every night (she’s Asian, and that’s Just the Way It Is) and I have stayed away from it.

But tonight, I weakened. I’d say it was a perfect storm of many things: it’s the highest intensity work week of my entire year, so mega stress; I didn’t have time to exercise; my husband is away for five days and I miss him; I have too much to do (did I say that already??); oh, and I’ve been doing really well with my maintenance (so hey! what a great time to sabotage myself); I did great at my doctors’ appointments last week (ditto) AND I’ve been focusing a lot more on weight loss stuff and less on my diabetes. In fact, I had not tested my blood since my medical visit. LAST WEEK.

I had been religiously testing myself like 5 times a day, and then 3, and then once, and then… oops, where’s my meter? I think once I got a good A1C test, (average of past 3 months of blood glucose levels) I felt like, HEY, I’ve got this down! I know what I’m doing! What a good time to blow it!

I didn’t have time to shop or cook tonight. I was semi-frantic from my brain working super overdrive. I got Indian food takeout. Now, I’ve done this a DOZEN times since January, and have done so well with a bit of grilled tandoori chicken, and some spinach and yogurt raita, but this time…  😦

It wasn’t the world’s biggest pigout, but compared to the way I’ve been eating since January, it was. I had two scoops of rice, probably about a cup total. AND a half piece of naan. AND several trips back to the chicken tikka masala and the vegi creamy stuff. It was all really good. But a combination of too much quantity, and too many white carbs.

After dinner, I had that falling-asleep drugged feeling again. I knew this was not good. I tested my blood. It was not disastrous by any means, but it wasn’t the lovely stellar numbers I’d been seeing for months.

So, it wasn’t a huge crash. It could’ve been the first step down a slippery slope. But I’m not going to let it. I tasted the rice. It was really delicious. But that feeling afterward? And the number on my meter? And the number that’s going to show up on the scale? None of that was worth it.

I think it was almost necessary to have this happen. I’ve been so “good.” For so long. I had to do a little experiment. The results were what I could’ve expected. Now I know that’s not going to happen again for a long while.

My body still can’t deal with carbs, can’t deal with that quantity of food. Sigh. Oh well. (but this is probably a good thing)

NEXT MORNING: Blood glucose STILL up. Weight up. OK, where’s that wagon? I am jumping back on and QUICK…!

8

Maintenance Is Like Plateau, But Better

So I’ve been “officially” at goal weight for two weeks, but I think more like a month or more because before that, I was less than a pound away.  The funny thing is is that before I hit that arbitrary Magic Number, I was at a Plateau (which everyone hates and dreads) and since I hit the number, I’m at Maintenance. But really there’s no difference. It’s all kind of silly.  Just something I’m noticing.

Somebody asked today if Maintenance was Hard, Easy, or Medium. I wouldn’t exactly say it’s EASY, but it isn’t hard either. It just… is. I think our bodies actually pretty much like staying in one place, which is why losing is hard(er).  I think it likes plateaus. I’m pretty much doing the same stuff as I have been all along but I definitely hit a wall of having weight just go away. I’d have to step it up in ways I can’t quite fathom in order to lose more right now.

I’m going to hang out here for a while. But it did occur to me that just a few months ago if my weight wasn’t budging, I’d be deeply unhappy. Now I see my body as just kind of resting, and stabilizing. I would like it if I could lose another bit of weight. I know I still have pudge in various areas that I’d like to lose. But I’m not desperate to do it, and feel like it will eventually happen. It might take me a year to lose another 5 lbs.  And that’s okay.

4

Eileen Fisher Made Me Fat

TK-P0547-GRAPHITESeveral  years ago, I began wearing Eileen Fisher clothing. At the time, I was ecstatic to find elegant, well-made clothes. They were comfortable, and flowing and I felt like they disguised my larger size. For many years it was pretty much all I wore. They are expensive, but I had a few pieces that were the staples of my entire wardrobe. I had one size L black pants with elastic waist and that was my uniform, paired with big boxy tops, or if I was feeling super daring, a cami paired with a big boxy jacket (LOL). I felt comfortable, and grateful that I didn’t have to look totally awful even if I was overweight.

The problem was that I had NO idea how my “clothes were fitting.” I could gain 25 lbs without having ANY IDEA of it, because those black elastic pants pretty much always fit. They probably would even fit me now. I didn’t really have any zippered pants other than some pretty large jeans, but even those depressed me when they got tight. So I avoided the scale, kept wearing elastic pants, didn’t know how fat I was getting AND really never had any sense of fullness when I was eating. Because that elastic could expand, and expand, and expand….

I’ve been reading lately how important it is to pretty much always wear nonstretch, zippered or buttoned clothing. For two reasons – so that you know what size your body is, and so that you can tell how full you are getting. These two concepts really meant nada to me for many years. I just wanted to be “comfortable.” But I had no idea how dangerous that comfort was.

Today I am wearing some pants that I bought recently. They are a tad snug because they went through the dryer for the first time this week. And I’m glad, because they are a reminder to me, as I go throughout my day, that I do not want them getting any more snug. I want them to fit, and hopefully, get a little looser over time.

I never really “got” this thing about elastic pants before. But I do now, and the only elastic I’ll wear now is for workout clothes. Oh, and I bought a new Eileen Fisher “pencil skirt” last week – size EXTRA SMALL (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and it looks pretty darn good. 🙂

PS. You have to realize that E.F. sizes their clothing HUGE, if *I* am wearing an Extra Small! But I’m not complaining.

————

I watched the 2nd episode of Dance Your Ass Off last night. On one hand, I liked it a lot (I love disco!!!!!) but on the other hand I liked it less. I noticed that my heart about JUMPED OUT of my chest when I saw a 10-second promo for the upcoming Biggest Loser Season! Woo!

But something about lasts night’s DYAO just seemed… sad to me. I can’t explain it. The psycho crybaby made me very uncomfortable, and I wished she’d gone home. Although I did like the way they all banded together and hauled the tempting “bad” food out to the trash. Good move, but I hated the tantrum that preceded it. She just made me super uneasy.

Also: I was trying to figure out WHY I liked that Lisa Ann Walter judge so much. (the middle one) I felt like I knew her realllly well but did could not place her. I love her but I don’t know why. Well last night I checked her out on IMDB and realized that she (many many pounds ago!) played the housekeeper character “Chessy” on the Parent Trap movie.  She was so super awesome in that movie, and we must have watched it over a hundred times. But she is way skinnier now and that’s why I didn’t recognize her. I’d love to hear her story. So sad about that movie – Natasha Richardson is tragically gone, and Lindsay Lohan is… well, Lindsay Lohan. That was one of the prime kid movies of our daughters’ growing up time. We know much of it by heart.

13

(Undesperately) Seeking Balance

At one of my WW staff training sessions, the leader warned us all that it was going to be potentially tricky, to balance WW work with our own health and fitness. At the time I didn’t really get what she was talking about. But it hit me last night.

After my traveling weekend, I had plans to go to an exercise class last night. I was realllly looking forward to it. But about an hour before, I got a call from a WW leader that a receptionist/weigh-in person was needed, like right away.

Of course, I could have said no. On the other hand, when one is in a new position it is a good thing to be seen as helpful and responsive. AND, I really feel that I could use as much mentoring/training as I can get. There are so many minute details involved in this job, and I think the more practice, the better. So I said sure.

This was my third training session and my second time doing weigh-ins. My mentor was great in helping me with doing a practice run-through before they opened the doors. I felt a lot more relaxed than I did the last time. I also felt very strongly how incredibly intimate this is, to see someone’s weight like that. It’s so personal. I had a bit of a flash that the little weigh-in booth is not unlike a confessional, but instead of prescribing ten Hail Marys or whatever, we hand them a fresh tracker and the chance to start a new week.

I was less nervous about the myriad little details this time, so I felt like I was able to really focus more on the people. I felt so much tenderness for these people as they performed the ritual removing of shoes, watches, belts, ANYthing before they stepped up. I think it is a really big deal, and important, that WW staff are also WW members. I SO know what they are going through. (in fact, I need to do my WI for this week, and have been procrastinating!) I kept thinking of the Buddhist loving-kindness (“metta”) prayer in my head: (may you be happy. may you be safe. may you be peaceful) But I expanded it a little bit, adding silently: may you be healthy. may you be free of shame.  I kept repeating this in my head in between members.

One woman achieved a big goal she had been striving toward for a long time. She was so happy, and I was so thrilled for her. High fives all around! It was like being a store owner whose customer wins the lottery. It was really exciting! I had four people up for various “recognitions” and I was really so glad for all of them. And for the people who gained, I tried to offer as much support and encouragement as I could. I think I did a good job, and my mentor had some really kind and complimentary words for me afterward.

When I got home, it was pretty late and I had not yet had dinner. I ate and then did not feel like exercising. It was already dark.

AH, I thought. So THIS is the balance thing they were talking about.

I watched the new show, Dance Your Ass Off, which is sort of a combination of Biggest Loser and Dance With the Stars. I am already a sucker for such shows, and this one really really impressed me. It involves a number of very overweight people who are trying to shed pounds AND compete in dance competitions.  For one, these people all had great personalities and were great dancers. Their confidence was so out there, and that put them miles ahead of the general population, as far as I’m concerned.

It’s hard to dance and show your body when you’re not feeling it’s in its optimal shape. But they were all out there – jumping and strutting and shimmying and just going wild with beautiful exuberance. I felt quite emotional while watching them. I am a terrible, self-conscious dancer who has never felt good about how I might look. I feel like I have no coordination and that I just look foolish. Recently a friend of mine had a dance party for her birthday and while I had fun, I also felt like I was the biggest klutz out there.  I only really felt comfortable dancing with my husband. At one point we had to switch partners and I think one of my partners was absolutely incredulous at how bad I was. SO… I am completely awed by the folks on this show who are so good, and they’re definitely choosing a super fun way to get into better shape. My hat is so off to them!!

Today, I am going to exercise no. matter. what.

3

Maintaining While Traveling

This past weekend was a total whirl of travel. My husband and I flew to the other coast for a funeral (his father’s). There was a lot of traveling, a fair amount of socializing/eating, a high degree of emotion, and not a lot of opportunity for exercise. I didn’t exercise on Friday. (travel)  I took a 30-minute walk/run on Saturday and didn’t do anything yesterday.

My eating was OK. It was interesting – it was a combination of good and not great, and I was curious about how it would pan out, scale-wise.

I was in the South, so I had this intense desire for biscuits. We stayed in a hotel that had a free breakfast. There were biscuits. I have pretty much stayed away from most white carbs for months, but I realllllllllly wanted those biscuits. (it was a tossup between biscuits and grits, which I also love) I took a biscuit. Took a bite. It was horrible. Blech! I am proud of myself because I just ate that one bite and then pretty much decided it was SO not worth it. Hooray for mindful eating! I got some fruit instead.

Later, at the post-funeral reception, I was in a high state of emotion. There was a huge spread that had been catered. They had these little ham sandwiches made on cheese biscuits. I had one. It was really, really good – the quality of biscuit was 20x better than the breakfast one. I had a few pieces of cheese and some roasted vegetables and a deviled egg. (all good) I circled around the dessert table, which had huge plates of bite-sized delectable looking things. I circled and circled, like a giant shark. Ultimately I did not eat any desserts, but I did go back and have a second little cheese biscuit sandwich. Two people had spoken to me about having diabetes, and I think that was a helpful little aid for me.

Later on, we went down the street to a restaurant. I had a mojito (are you getting the idea that this is my beverage of this summer?). Then we ordered dinner and I had this amazing chilled pea soup with yogurt and shrimp. Awesome. Also an appetizer plate of grilled asparagus. And a glass of wine.

So that was my weekend, food wise. I woke up this morning to a dream in which all these athletes were there, and everyone was exercising except me. My running buddy M was running really fast and I was having trouble keeping up with her. I was wearing a muumuu. HA.

I was nervous when I got on the scale this morning but it was pretty much where it was when I left last week. So I maintained! This is good! I do feel like I need to exercise in a very big way, but I have to take kids to day camp this morning, and then take myself to work. This evening, then. For sure.

OK, I think this was probably the most boring post I have written yet. But it was an interesting challenge for me -my first week as a maintainer. Trying to balance it all with traveling, being off schedule, out of my environment, in a state of high emotion.  I am recalling that for the last two times that I went away for weekends, I ended up gaining around 2 lbs each time. So, I am pretty much claiming it as a victory.

11

The Other Side of the Scale

I had my first mentoring session at the New Job this weekend. It was so interesting. Pretty much all I did was Observe, but tonight I will begin weighing people in for the first time! (I have to admit I am slightly nervous about this) It’s a big deal, folks!

I went to a center where I don’t normally go, and was mentored by a leader and receptionist who are new to me. They were both really impressive, especially in their handling of people on the scale.

You know it makes such a huge difference when you step up there, and the number is UP, and the weighing person makes a funny noise or groans a little, or just has a regretful look on their face. It’s like a zinger of shame. It feels bad. Sometimes it makes you want to take a running leap off the scale, out the door, and into the nearest ice-cream shop.

Neither of these women did anything like that. They were warm, concerned, kind, matter-of-fact. They didn’t respond with great hoopla over losses, just kind of a restrained “good work!” kind of thing, and they absolutely did not break stride at all if there was a gain. I really did feel as if the members felt cared for. They were both excellent role models.

It was also a meeting with not a huge number of people, and they were able to give everyone their undivided time and attention. The meeting where I normally go can often be a mob scene, and the staff people there often appear rushed and overwhelmed.

Overall, it was another positive experience, and I am looking forward to more.

After I left that meeting, I went to my “home” meeting and.. ta-da!!!!!! MADE MY GOAL WEIGHT. I was happy. I got the little star bling for my keychain, and the booklet about maintenance, and a nice round of applause. I have to say that I am feeling a mixture of excitement, nervousness, apprehension and curiosity about this whole Maintaining thing. We’ll see how it goes, shall we?

12

Weightisms

A lot of interesting thoughts re weight today. First, I was SURE I had made my goal weight today. It sure looked that way, according to my home scale. But when I went to weigh in officially, I was still two-tenths (!!!!!!!) of a pound over my stated goal. And then some stuff happened. I told the weighing person that I had been hired for staff, and thus I would not have to pay the weekly fee. He was like, um, that is not right, you are not supposed to be hired until you are Lifetime. (Lifetime=at goal weight for 6 weeks or more)

Er. I was waiting for the big hook to come and whisk me away. Not only was I not getting the applause and bling for reaching GW, I was being told that my being hired at all was a big fat mistake! Ahhhhh!!

While the meeting proceeded, I could not focus due to the buzzing in my ears and the fact that the weighing person (aka “receptionist”) was discussing my Situation with the Powers That Be.  When the meeting ended he handed me the phone and the PTB told me that indeed I could proceed with training to be a receptionist in my current state, but that actually something had fallen through the cracks and that I should not have been permitted to proceed this far without being at Liftime. Then a discussion regarding my Goal Weight, and was this truly my Goal, and could I maintain, and etc etc etc.

It was a lot to think about. I tried not to be all defensive and “hey you guys invited me along on this process, having access to all of my records, etc!” but it also made me wonder if I have not jumped the gun. I know that my weight-loss process has been a bit wacky and stalled out since I made this decision. Maybe I really ought to wait.  Everyone says that maintaining is a whole different Kettle O Fish than losing, and I do believe it.  The PWB did tell me to go ahead and continue on, and that most likely I *will* be at Lifetime by the time the big training comes up (end of August). And I was like, okay. She also said I should consider myself AT goal since I am technically the same number as my goal number, it’s just that number plus two-tenths.

Hmmm.

ANYway, that whole episode made me think about this blog and other people’s weight-health-fitness blogs, and how some people publicly display their true weights, and how others (like me) don’t. And so I asked the Twittersphere about what informed peoples’ decisions to actually talk in Real Numbers vs. not.

These are a few responses:

  • I do just because putting the number makes me face it
  • I discuss my real weight on my blog. People who know me are shocked that I weight that much – say I don’t look like it.
  • I can’t bring myself to say how much I weigh 2 anyone. I am lucky, I’m tall w/small bones so I carry it like a BIGboned person
  • being “anonymous” on here helps w/ being open/honest 4 me.My sis is the only person other than u guys who knows my true wt.
  • I don’t use my real numbers either. Because I’m “petite” I get the “oh you’ve never had to worry about your weight thing
  • I haven’t, but I’m not opposed to doing so. I def. do so in person.
  • 4 me I have SO MUCH to lose that it makes it real, that I HAVE to do something about it. Can’t lie or hide it…
  • I use numbers & pictures because I am trying to just keep it real. maybe i can help others.
  • I always do. I’m perfectly willing to share my weight. If I can’t own it, I can’t change it.
  • I do because honestly who cares? If someone looks at me they know I weigh a bit, so why care if they know how much it is?
  • I’m never going back to the corporate world or running for public office, so I don’t mind sharing…
  • I don’t give exact numbers, but I did say “under 200” the other day because I was proud to be there 🙂
  • i discuss what i’ve lost but not the #. now that i’m down more than halfway, i should share the #. need to add pics too.
  • Good question. I decided not to use #s either. #s can be misleading, esp. for someone like me who has xtra large bones/muscles
  • I do because I’ve never been honest with myself about my weight (or anyone else for that matter LOL) 4 me it’s necessary.
  • I used to be embarrassed by the #s but the first time I said it I felt freer and I’ll feel better when I get to goal and say it

Isn’t that interesting? I thought it was a great conversation. So for me, the reason I didn’t state my true weight at the beginning is because I was embarrassed at the number. And probably because I did not have any faith it would change, and then people would just think that # in relation to me. But now the number has changed, and I feel a little reticent for opposite reasons.

When I first started, I said that my goal weight was normal BMI. I have gotten there (albeit at the tippy-top of the range). So part of it is wrangling with myself. Do I stop here? Do I listen to my own advice to just shut up and stop trying to lose any more?

I actually think I am ready to stop TRYING to lose, but to a certain degree, if the weight should just decide to FALL OFF my bones, I will not object. For too long.

I actually think that I *could* lose ten or so more pounds. But I don’t feel that I *need* to or that I am going to *attempt* to. If it happens, so be it. If I lose any MORE than ten more pounds, I think this could be problematic. Because that would mean going to a place that is lower than anytime in my adult life EXCEPT when I was hiking 8 hours daily with dysentary in Nepal, or living for 3 months on a handful of beans in Nicaragua. I don’t need to be on the Third World Diet while I am living here. I don’t look emaciated or anything, and it’s hardly an anorexic state, but it’s not something I can maintain without doing some fairly dire things.  Sure, plenty of people live at that weight, and MANY strive to, but I truly feel that for me to be comfortable, I need to be here. Or somewhere in the next 10 lb range.

But I don’t want to say what those weights are for two reasons: one, I fear the reaction from both ends. I fear that people who have a lot more weight to lose, will feel I am no longer “with them” or that I am losing “too much” weight. I don’t think anybody can argue against getting to a normal range in the BMI scale.  But once within that range, it gets kinda dicey. I myself am uncomfortable with people who are perfectly fine mid or upper range, but they want to be at like 19BMI.

I am also uncomfortable anticipating reactions from people who ARE at that low range, who would be totally disgusted with themselves (and by extension, with me??) if they weighed my weight. I’ve already heard from people who weigh LESS than me (and are TALLER than me) and who long to weigh 20 lbs less. And are kind of horrified at their weight.  Then I must be some sort of walrus, truly. I just don’t want to deal with that.

I feel like, for now, it’s easier keeping it all in the somewhat abstract, although if someone were totally bound and determined, they could figure out what I weigh. It’s not a huge secret. I just would rather not get into those specifics right now.

I’ve stated all along that my goal is to be “healthy” – not wear a bikini (ever again) in my lifetime (people, I am about to turn 50. I would SO much rather publish a novel than wear a bikini!!) and now I’m just trying to figure out (in numbers) what that word- healthy – actually means.

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