Search

foodfoodbodybody

eat, move, think, feel

Open Search
Category

diabetes

On the Road

Sorry I haven’t posted a more upbeat post since my last downer. I’m doing a lot beter now! I’ve been traveling with my daughter’s crew team – they are at their regional championships this weekend and I am in charge of all travel details: hotels, dinners for 300, etc! so I’ve been a busy bee.

I’ve been really so busy that I forgot my blood testing kit. I am hoping that I’m OK but I feel good and I just have to trust that I’m not going out of control. I have to say it’s kind of a relief to be without the thing for a few days and to let myself feel a little “normal.” Of course, I don’t have a scale either and it is really nice to have an escape from the numbers for a little while. I contemplated going to a WW meeting while here – my normal meeting day is Saturday- but I think I will wait till I’m home on Monday.

Did I tell y’all I went to that WW leader recruitment meeting last week? It was interesting. I think I’m gonna go for it. I love and miss teaching (I’ve been teaching writing since 1994 but recently have not been teaching so much and I miss it). I have a formal interview with the regional director of WW on Tuesday. I’ve been thinking a lot about how teaching writing and teaching healthy living/weight loss are similar, or could be, or here is my pitch about why I think I’d be a goood WW leader!  So many people say they’ve “always wanted to write” but don’t believe they can.  Same with weight loss/healthy lifestyle, right?  Well I know I’ve been very capable of breaking things down for beginning writers, to help them feel excited and successful very soon. I am really good at validating peoples’ positive efforts and for showing them what they are doing right. I think so many of these same things are important in weight loss. So I hope it works out. We shall see.

I’ve been running a bit along the lake where the races are being held. Both yesterday and today I noticed that the first 10 minutes or so of a run are killer. I am full of pain – my groin, my feet, my shin, and I’m out of breath. It pretty much feels awful. And then BAM, after I hit the 11th minute or so, ALL of my pains just VANISH, my breathing is easy, and the running truly feels effortless. I feel like I could go on forever. Yesterday I ran about 35 minutes, and today around 25, and walked a bunch. Both times the same thing happened.

Anyway, busy times around here. Tonight, Chevy’s is catering dinner at our race site for 300. I am not worried about it at all, in fact I am excited about it. Things have really changed.

4

Blindsided

So it happened again today. I went blithely into my cardiologist’s office, practically SKIPPING because I was so over-the-moon proud and happy about my weight loss, my lowered triglycerices, my NORMAL BMI, my fantastic A1C levels — and while he was duly impressed (or at least acted sort of impressed), he zeroed right in on my cholesterol levels.  They’re like borderline high. My “good” cholesterol, HDL, is not quite high enough, and it has not budged an iota in four months, despite exercise and weight loss, etc.

He said, “I want to put you on a statin.”

He was just going by his medical protocol, but for me it was great clanging alarm bells and red lights and “YOU FAILED!!!!!!!!!!!”

Once again, I left a medical appointment, sat in my car and cried.

I called my physician husband and he gave me all sorts of pats on the back (vebally) and validation and explained the lunkheaded ways of doctors, and I still cried.

I felt once again like I was five years old and was getting a finger wagged at me, you know that old “NOT GOOD ENOUGH” voice.

Bleh! Feh! UGH!

He (husband) also gently reminded me that perhaps I had had unrealistic expectations, ie that by “doing good” (and you all KNOW the good I’ve been doing!!) I would be able to outrun all my diagnoses, throw away all medications, etc. Instead, I got MORE medication. It just feels like failure to me. I know I have to turn my head around. I am not the kind of person who shuns medication at ALL, I just wasn’t ready for MORE. I was at peace with what I was already taking, but I felt like I was going in a good direction and I was going to be rewarded for that somehow.

I’m probably going to have to take insulin one day. I am probably more prepared for that eventuality than I was for the statin. Ugh.

18

Happy Snoopy Dance Numbers!

and no, it’s not on the scale.  Lab test results!!

Fasting blood glucose was a looooovely 93 but that was not a huge surprise since I’ve been testing my own every morning.

Cholesterols were good, not hugely changed.

But my triglycerides! My triglycerides! You might ask,

What are triglycerides?

Triglycerides are the chemical form in which most fat exists in food as well as in the body. They’re also present in blood plasma and, in association with cholesterol, form the plasma lipids.

Triglycerides in plasma are derived from fats eaten in foods or made in the body from other energy sources like carbohydrates. Calories ingested in a meal and not used immediately by tissues are converted to triglycerides and transported to fat cells to be stored. Hormones regulate the release of triglycerides from fat tissue so they meet the body’s needs for energy between meals.

How is an excess of triglycerides harmful?

Excess triglycerides in plasma is called hypertriglyceridemia. It’s linked to the occurrence of coronary artery disease in some people. Elevated triglycerides may be a consequence of other disease, such as untreated diabetes mellitus. Like cholesterol, increases in triglyceride levels can be detected by plasma measurements. These measurements should be made after an overnight food and alcohol fast.

The National Cholesterol Education Program guidelines for triglycerides are:

Normal Less than 150 mg/dL
Borderline-high 150 to 199 mg/dL
High 200 to 499 mg/dL
Very high 500 mg/dL or higher

So, in January my triglycerides were 215 (ie HIGH). Today they are…… 97!!!!!!!!!! YAY YAY YAY YAY!
1

Watch Out What You Wish For…

All my adult life, I’ve wished – I mean desperately wished….

  • that I could enjoy exercise.
  • that I could be satisfied with small portions of food
  • that I could deal with hard emotional times without diving into high-carb comfort/smother foods
  • that I could truly CHOOSE healthier options, and feel good about it
  • that I could run again
  • that I could lose weight without feeling deprived
  • that I could feel the benefits of meditation
  • that I could develop a meaningful spiritual life

Well, guess what. It looks like I’ve gotten all those things – for now, anyway. I have to say I’m sort of stunned. Because just a few months ago I would not have believed that even ONE of these things were even remotely possible.

All of these statements are now true.
AND… I’ve got diabetes.

Is that the tradeoff? Or was it diabetes that allowed me to finally wake up and have these things I always wanted?

It’s like a zen koan. It’s actually too incomprehensible for words.  I wonder what I would have said, if I’d climbed to the guru on the top of the mountain, please let me have these things, and he said, “OK, but you also have to have diabetes.” What would I have said? What would I have chosen?

Several people have remarked to me that I am doing an amazing job dealing with my diabetes. But I really feel like, what choice do I have? That’s how I feel now. I feel like there is no option but to be as healthy as I can be.

But I didn’t feel like this before, when I was way overweight, when I had high blood pressure, when I was inactive. Those things didn’t scare me and didn’t cause me to change anything. If anything they made things worse. It was the diabetes that woke me up.

Funny how life is.

14

Feedback from the Scale: It’s Just Information

So my weight was up a few pounds when I got back to my home scale this morning. I’m not completely shocked, and for once not distraught or freaked out over seeing that plus sign. I can attribute it traveling for 3-4 days, eating out every meal, eating in greater quantities, and exercising less. Although I was exhausted from walking around in 90 degree heat, it wasn’t the same as working out. I had two sesssions at the hotel fitness center but not as regular as usual.

I think the thing I am happiest about is that I’m not flipping out. I’m not feeling GUILTY or overly upset. I looked at those numbers and just said, “Hmm. Okay. Now what?”

On Saturday night I went back to the same restaurant as Friday night (with the dieters) – this time it was with a group of other parents, and we all ordered from the menu. The food was awesome.

I had: a glass of wine (first time since my dx – I was experimenting), a bunch of grilled/marinated veggies from antipasti plate (artichokes, mushrooms, bell peppers, tomato), about 4 little fried calamari rings, about 3-4 oz of seared ahi tuna with tomatoes, 3 tiny pieces of potato, a bite of chicken from my hubby’s plate, and… some whipped cream (from the top of the complimentary tiramisu) and blueberries/strawberries.

It was all really really delicious. I enjoyed it a LOT. I was more concerned with my blood sugars than my weight, though, so I took an extra dose of Metformin before going to bed. When I woke up, all was well.

I’m thinking about the two “optional” items I don’t usually get – the wine and the little portion of dessert. Was it worth it? Would I, in the future, choose to forgo those things, or would I do it all again the same way?

Hard to say. I’m going to see how long it takes me to get back down to last week’s pre-trip weight. If it happens fairly quickly,  I’d say it was all worth it. I didn’t pig out, I wasn’t crazily full. If it takes forever (how long is “forever?” two weeks??) then I’ll have to re-evaluate.

So my answer to “now what” is I’m going to eat as mindfully/cleanly as possible, try to step up the exercise a bit this week, and see how it goes.

UPDATE: so it took me exactly 9 days to get back to the pre-trip weight. It wasn’t forever. But of course it takes longer  – a lot longer – to take it off than to put it on.  I’m not upset about this. I don’t think it was “not worth it.” It was just… interesting. (I’m channeling my meditation teacher now: “Just notice.”)

17

Rebirth

Easter is my favorite holiday, ever. Hands down. I am not a regular church going person, but something about the story of Jesus’ suffering, death and resurrection does not fail to move me. I used to go to a Unitarian church and when they told this story it was just so universal and moving.

A friend once told me (very insightfully) that they would notice me “going down” in the fall, sort of falling into a dark place, maybe a little down, but that I never failed to experience this rebirth in the spring, right around Easter. So this weekend was very moving for me – I had just received this diabetes diagnosis, and part of me was so freaked out and sad and worried that Life As I Knew It was really over. It was truly like a little death in many ways, death of a kind of life I had become so used to.

I planned out this huge Easter brunch feast for today. I am normally all about the potluck, and having friends bring dishes, but today I was determined to DO IT ALL myself. I made a marmalade glazed ham, a poached salmon with cucumber dill sauce, scalloped potatoes, an asparagus quiche, a spinache quiche, a caramelized onion, sage and goat cheese frittata, a brown/wild rice & asparagus salad, a green salad, hot cross buns and Easter bread.  For dessert there was a raspberry swirl cheesecake, a fruit tart, a raspberry tart and strawberry shortcake. (we had a lot of people over!!)

It was probably over the top. Although I have to say we do not have a lot of leftovers!! I think I had something to prove to myself. That I could still celebrate and enjoy life. That I could make certain dishes and be okay with not eating them, or eating them in small amounts.  And a lot of other things I’m probably not even conscious of.

I was so happy at the table with everyone enjoying it so much. I had some ham (the inside part, without the marmalade), frittata (“quiche without the crust”), salad and salmon. It was so delicious. I felt completely satisfied and happy. After brunch we took a lovely walk in the park nearby, before dessert.  It was the most beautiful sunny day. After the walk I tested my blood and it was a very nice 110, AFTER DINNER.  I allowed a tiny sliver of cheescake, some coffee and strawberries with whipped cream. All SO GOOD.

I’m feeling very emotional now. Feeling like, this is possible. I can still have my life. And more.

6

More Numbers to Obsess Over

As if the scale weren’t bad enough, jumping on and off every day, the blood glucose meter is worse.  The thing is, if you’re getting too obsessive with the scale, they tell you to only weigh in every week, or every month or never. They NEVER recommend doing that for diabetics.  You’re supposed to test at least 3, if not 5-6x per day. But those little strips are EXPENSIVE – like $1 each! So I’m trying to conserve and also not get too obsessive over it. BUT.

It started all all good on Tuesday at the diabetes class. I had stellar numbers! I was so proud!! But then on Thursday they started getting wonky, kind of elevated, and I didn’t know why.

They’re still elevated. I don’t know why, and I don’t know what to do about it. Apparently there is something called a “dawn phenomenon” and sometimes you just wake up with inexplicably high numbers.

Apparently your glucose level can also rise when there is physical or emotional stress, and I think I’ve had some sort of cold or virus the past few days and haven’t been feeling well. I thought I was better this morning and had a really good couch-to-5k run, but … I don’t know.

It’s frustrating and a little scary because often if the scale shows me numbers I don’t like, I pretty much know why, and I also have a pretty good idea what I need to do in order to show an improvement. But with this little machine, I don’t understand it, or my body’s responses, well enough yet. Why did I have great numbers Tuesday and Wednesday, and then they have steadily worsened since Thursday. Wahh! I don’t like this!! I don’t know what to do.

Meanwhile, the scale continues to be my friend (thank you scale!).  I got my 10# sticker at Weight Watchers this morning. Still contemplating quitting though.

1

Star Student at Diabetes School!

Today I took my first class at the Diabetes Center. I have to say, it was really hard to wait for this because while I had the knowledge of my diagnosis, and I had started medication, I had NO IDEA what was going on in my body and it was all a bit crazy-making. I also was having these weird grief reactions while walking through the grocery store this weekend: omg CRACKERS (never again!!), ICE CREAM (never again!!!!!!!!) etc etc and just sort of flipping out but not really knowing why.

So finally I got to get some reality which I was sorely needing.

First, though: I got to the place and I was BY FAR the youngest person in the room. Most of the other attendees were 20 or 30 years older than me and looked pretty much a lot worse for wear. One woman came in, in a wheelchair, and was a double above-the-knee amputee. That was… sobering. I have no idea if this was diabetes related but I have been having nightmares about this for a week.

So we went around the room and were supposed to say our names, what kind of D we had, and when we got diagnosed. I was also the newest “newbie” at less than one week. It was interesting to me how many people got diagnosed 3-6 weeks ago and have not come in until now. (believe me, I took the FIRST POSSIBLE OPENING) Some people have had diabetes for 15+ years. One had had it for 40. I was really agog, like WTH? Really?

One guy sitting next to me said he’d gotten diagnosed 5 years ago, tested for a year or so, but never got a good result on his blood meter, so just gave up on it. Then he had a heart attack, and here he is trying to get back on the wagon again. That pretty much boggled me.

Then there was this woman who was sitting there chugging a bottle of GRAPE JUICE (ahem? and none of the nurses or dieticians said a word!!!) and she was saying how she couldn’t give up fried food because she grew up on it and it was all she was used to. And when the nurse was discussing that the range of blood sugar should be 70-120 she let out this hoot like, “That’s normal people!” and the nurse goes, yes, that’s the range we are aiming for and the woman was like, she aint’ NEVER seen those numbers EVER.

I do not think I could have that job. (teaching the class)

So there was a whole bunch of talk about what is diabetes, blah blah, which I’ve pretty much figured out, and then the all -important WHAT DO WE EAT question, and the diet they were discussing seems to be a lot more food than I am currently eating, and she said it all depends on what your Meter says. And I’m jiggling my knee going, when are we going to get the damn meters?

Two hours later. FINALLY. The meter people come and give out tote bags and a sales pitch for test strips and what-all and I’m like, LET ME TEST MY BLOOD!!!! I was so antsy at this point I was about to start shrieking and stabbing at myself with a plastic fork.  They showed us our cute little meters, and we all plugged in the needles and learned how to lock and load the stabbers, then we DID IT (yeah, I felt it and yeah it hurt for a millisecond) and I closed my eyes when I heard the beep just praying for something good, and it was…. 85!

EIGHTY-FIVE!!! WHICH IS WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE GET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was like, woo hoo, under my breath. Because everyone else was getting 106, 127, 135, 178, etc etc and I was SO HAPPY and relieved because that means that my Metformin is working! I haven’t had a reading of less than 100 EVER.  So I was very, very happy. And the nurse went around collecting our numbers and I said ’85’ and she had to look at my meter to be sure I wasn’t making it up. Ya the hoo!!

Then I went home and had lunch. (whole wheat English muffin with cheddar cheese, in case you’re interested) I came to work. After about an hour, I tested again and it was…. 109!!!!!! Which is freaking fa-bu-los-a!!

Thank you Metformin. Thank you exercise. Thank you blood glucose meter for letting me know that I’m not at death’s door, or on the verge of losing my feet, after all.

I am officially in love with my blood glucose meter now. Because now I feel like I can check it anytime I have a question about ANYTHING, and I can just… see what happens. I’m going to learn stuff. I am actually very, very excited.

14

Trying to Laugh With a Frozen Face

Tonight I went to a solo performance show, featuring four performers who are showcasing their work after a solo performance class that I used to take. It’s great to go to these shows, to check out the new and amazing talent as well as to see old friends and “alums” from the class. It’s truly a fantastic community and one that I dearly love and appreciate.

The show tonight featured two old friends of mine and two “newbies” whom I knew nothing about. I was really anticipating the new stuff.  The third performer opened her act by coming out on stage and whispering, “Shhh……it’s 3 in the morning in a small town in the Midwest. There’s a 13 year old girl in there sleeping, or…?” She morphs into a mother, bending over her daughter’s bed, yelling somewhat hysterically, “HONEY! ARE YOU HAVING A REACTION?!?”

I froze for a moment. Reaction. Reaction. OMG. This was going to be a piece about… could it be? Diabetes. Oh god.

Yes indeedy. It was a piece about diabetes. The actor stepped to the front of the stage to narrate the goings-on. “Yes. I have had diabetes since I was eight years old. I have TYPE ONE diabetes, not to be confused with TYPE TWO diabetes, of which there is an EPIDEMIC these days, because people are running around eating too many Big Macs.”  And then she went on to tell her diabetes life story, getting lots of laughs along the way.

This is when I officially left my body, my back pressed as far back into the seat it would go, and I think I probably missed the next five minutes of the show. I felt attacked, embarrassed, mortified, defensive, shocked.

I’ve only been part of the “diabetes community” for, um… five days now? And in my surfing around on various forums and websites I’ve detected a distinct feeling of animosity and hostility from Diabetes type-1 people toward Diabetes type-2 people. The sentiment seems to be something like, people with type-1 Diabetes are innocent children who did nothing to deserve this terrible fate, while type-2 Diabetes people are obese, sendentary pigs who BROUGHT THIS ON THEMSELVES.

Look. I know that being overweight is a risk factor for developing diabetes. I was overweight for many years (and still am, to a lesser degree). But jeez.

There is so much ignorance and misinformation out there. So of course D1 people feel outraged and indignant when people who Don’t Know Any Better say things like, “you probably ate too many candy bars!” But then to take it out on other people who have diabetes?

Suddenly, I feel tired. And sad.

8

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑