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Putting On the Brakes

I don’t want to make it seem like I am complaining about something great that I have been hoping for, but this post is about the weird/unsettling side of losing weight, which I don’t see written about very often.  At the risk of seeming complainy or ungrateful, I want to write about some of the more unnerving parts of weight loss.

Today I went through my closet (again) and tried on a bunch of clothes.  I have a fun party for one of my closest friends coming up this weekend, and I thought, YAY I can wear something cute! Remember my nifty Cleopatra dress? I just bought that in April. When I tried it on this morning, it hung on me like a loose sack. The armholes are huge and it just doesn’t look right anymore. The only way I can wear it is if I get it professionally altered, which is what I guess I am going to have to do. I know, maybe some of you are saying POOR BABY, I WISH I HAD YOUR PROBLEMS! but this was the first time in my weight loss that I have felt weird and unsettled. It made me feel sad and suddenly like everything was shifting and that I was somehow not holding on to my image, or something. It’s hard to explain.

I feel in a way like things are moving more quickly than my psyche can keep up with. It’s like every few weeks I am a different size and while on one hand this is very exciting, it’s also strange. Like the ground is made of jello.

After I tried on the dress, I went to the kitchen and ate a little leftover bowl of mac and cheese that my daughter made a few days ago. I have not eaten any mac and cheese since January- it was my one go-to comfort food, and it just has a tinge of danger for me. But in that moment I was feeling like I needed to be grounded in something familiar, and I thought, I need to put on the brakes.

Let me say right out. I am not “skinny” by any stretch. I’m not like falling into anorexia or anything. I’m just venturing into a physical territory where I have not been in probably 20 years and that is disorienting and strange. Like I’m in some sort of Alice in Wonderland funny mirror shapeshifting place.

I do think it is time for me to halt the loss and maintain for a while. Maybe a LONG while. I need to get used to this, and stay here for some time. I can’t be buying new clothes every four weeks.

(NOTE: I almost deleted this post. I don’t want people getting mad at me for a “problem” they WISH they had. But I’m going to keep it up.)

This reminds me of many writer friends of mine, published writers who get flak for expressing a hard time they might have in the publication process – it’s lonely and hard to be on book tour. There’s “too much” attention. They have to deal with book reviews or readers who might not like their book.

The thing is, with any success there also comes some kind of loss: a loss of identity that has been familiar for a very long time. For a long time, I have comfortably lived in the role of Overweight Person. (as well as Unpublished Novelist, but that’s a different story) Even though I didn’t like much about it, I was USED to it. I am not used to this. I feel like I am stepping into the big unknown – exciting but also terrifying on some level.

BTW, it was good to have that little foray into the mac and cheese. It gave me a stomach ache, and didn’t really help me feel any better. A good reminder.

14

Travel, Please Don’t Bite Me

Over the past few months, I have not done so hot with travel experiences, in terms of eating and exercising. Even when I TRIED to “do good” I would come back with a few extra pounds (even for a measly week-end!). I am going away this weekend for 3.5 days and I do NOT want any extra pounds. I really want to get to that goal number next week.

One thing I realized recently is that whereas I used to really really overate when I was stressed, angry, sad, afraid, depressed etc. I don’t do that anymore. (YAY) But what I DO do is tend to overeat when I am happy or overstimulated or excited. I’m psyched to be with folks I really like, and I am all excited to be talking to them, and I just sort of lose consciousness. It isn’t in a BIG way but enough so that I gain a pound or two, and then it takes a week or two to get back down.

This weekend I am going to a thrilling event that I KNOW will be exciting. So I have to come up with a really solid plan for the “excitement/distraction” factor. I also have to plan out my exercise. I just looked on the website for the hotel where I’ll be and was massively annoyed to see that while they have a nice looking fitness center, they charge $20 a day FOR HOTEL GUESTS. (more for non guests!) That just irks me no end. But I think I will probably end up forking it over (sigh).  Actually, 3 days of fitness-center fees is less than one session with my trainer, and I’m not seeing him this week, so I guess it comes out even. But still. I hate that. I’d rather pay an overall jacked up hotel rate than be nickel and dimed like this.

I also need to think about food. I really do not want to be so intense that I carry a little cooler of food around with me, especially on an airplane.  I think I am going to scope out the neighborhood when I get there and see if I can find some fruit and other good stuff. But I’m not toting my food around.

I’ve already made a vow to myself that I will not drink alcohol during the weekend and I will not eat sweets. Other than that, I will try and get a good workout each day, to be mindful of portion control, and Make Good Choices. If anybody else has any good suggestions, I’m all ears (eyes?).

2

Mixing Up the Exercise

I went to the gym this morning and worked out on the elliptical because my calf is just not loving the running right now. It was in major pain during and after my 5k, and I think I need to rest it for a while. Until I can find a way to rehab it and fix things so that it isn’t hurt when I run, I need to do other stuff.

I actually love the elliptical machine. It feels so… swingy, and almost relaxing, even though it is hard work. I was amazed that I did a 5k today and it felt 100x easier than RUNNING that 5k on Saturday. ANyway, while I was at the gym I realized that there are classes going on there ALL the time – free! (well, NOT free, but classes that I pay for every month and never utilize!) So I decided I’d make a goal out of trying at least one new class during the month of June.

Zumba sounds intriguing. But I also think it might be high time for me to get over my extreme aversion to yoga and Pilates.  Should I challenge myself and try something completely new, or do something that sounds fun, or..? Hm. What class do you think I should try?

15

Day 3: (catching up) Goals and Celebrations

Oh gosh. TOO much to say! This is going to have to be a speed blog.

Yesterday, day 3 of the challenge, went well. I ate all my fruits and vegies. I went to WW and am now officially 1 lb away from 30 lbs lost, AND my stated goal. I am really thinking about this whole “goal weight” thing. When I first started this journey in January, I truly did not think that a 30 lb loss was even remotely possible in this lifetime. I was hoping for maybe 10. Maybe 15, tops.  I have not weighed this weight in almost twenty years, and while it is great, it is also a little freaky. I am not used to it. It’s a little bit strange.

Also, when I began this blog, I had very negative feelings about people who dieted while in their healthy range. I am now in my healthy range.  But I really do not think I am dieting anymore. (was I ever?? That is up for debate) I am making choices every moment of every day. If those choices lead to further weight loss, then good (I think). If they keep me exactly where I am now, then fantastic. If those choices make me gain weight, I will make changes.

Like I said, I did not think I would ever reach this weight. So now that I am here, I am looking around and thinking, well?? Now what? I am aware that MANY people who are at my current weight and height feel very unhappy with themselves. They feel fat and want to lose 20 lbs. more.  Me? I am far from “skinny.” I still have a pooch of a belly, and still have padding around my hips. I’m not svelte by any means, although much svelter than I was. Part of me is pleading with myself to STOP NOW. Part of me is curious about how much weight I could or will lose if I keep on going.

I guess only time will tell.  The thing is, at WW you must state a “goal weight” much like declaring one’s major. I sort of arbitrarily put my goal weight down as 30 lbs. It’s in the healthy range. So it’s possible that I could get there in the next few weeks. (I’m less than one pound away) I am not sure it is a good idea or realistic to make it much lower. But… I don’t know. It’s weird.

I’m going to just see what happens.  My goal has always been to “be healthy” and I feel healthy right now. Really healthy. So now I feel like any additional weight loss would be primarily for aesthetic reasons, which I have been rather vehemently opposed to.  I supposed I COULD get healthiER. But what does that mean?? It’s something to mull over.

———–

Last night we went out to dinner to celebrate my daughter’s 15th birthday. We went to a great Italian place that serves family-style.  We ordered lots of amazing and great food and I enjoyed every single bite. But I think the key word is bite: I only had about 2-3 bites or forkfuls of every item. Bread with olive oil dip, fried calamari (!!) with aioli, caprese salad (tomato and mozzarella), eggplant rollatini (breaded eggplant with ricotta/marinara), cracked crab, penne Carbonara (yes, with cream and pancetta! bacon!), and gnocchi pesto. Then we came home and had CHEESECAKE.

This meal made me so happy – so very happy – because I enjoyed it with absolutely no regrets. I didn’t feel guilty. I loved every single bite, savored every bite. I was a tad nervous when I got on the scale today but told myself that even a couple of pounds would be worth it. But guess what: I weighed exactly the same as yesterday.

Yay.

10

And the Winners are…!

The day has finally arrived and I am announcing the winners to my Laptop Bag Giveaway Contest! This was a wonderful contest to read and I really enjoyed and appreciated everyone’s answers. These were the five that really shone for me. I chose five semi-finalists and then could really not pick ONE from there, so I went to the Random Thingy Chooser (yes, that is really the name of it!) Read down to the bottom to see whom it chose.

dscn2636-thumbBut the four semi-finalists will all receive a prize: this incredibly cool and perfect “Foodie” jewelry charm (can be either a charm or necklace) made by the artistic father of Mara, the blogger at I Made Dinner!!  (Mara is going to get her own Special Prize for helping out with this) Is that not PERFECT? (the crossed utensils over the laptop keyboard??)

So….. drum roll please!! Here are my five finalists.  You can see their complete posts here, but here are some excerpts.

  • Lavagal made me laugh out loud with her post.  Weight Watchers has taught me that journaling is the most honest you can be with yourself. As a result, I blog about my WW progress (lavagal.wordpress.com). For every day that I work out at 24Hour Fitness I tweet my calories, strides, miles, and minutes along with two photos: the first at the start of my workout, the second at the end…Believe me. I eat like a cow so I have to work like an ass, LOL! I love to cook and eat, but I also like to paddle out on my surfboard and wait my turn in the lineup. I’m 50. I still have plenty of waves to catch. Rather than look like a manatee in the lineup, I want to be the chick who’s still hip!
  • Bwjen is another bookworm and English teacher, and she created the inspiring TweetWalker Clubhouse for the benefit of walkers and runners. I have been using twitter and blogging to stay motivated and accountable. I tweet constantly with fellow walkers. I came up with the virtual walking club The TweetWalker ClubHouse where currently me and 15 other walkers blog about our walks. We are a source of inspiration, motivation, support and encouragement for each other. We have each set goals and are walking away our extra pounds.
  • JaimeH is also using blogging, twittering and online communities to help her with her diabetes. I found tudiabetes.com, twitter and started journaling once again. I’ve always known about diabetic communities online but not until I fully engaged in the DOC (diabetic online community) did I realize how much I really needed them. Through writing and connecting with these fabulous people I started to put myself back on my priority list. Out of the 12yrs with diabetes I always took it very seriously and kept my #’s pretty much where they should be…that year I stopped caring was the worst A1c I’ve ever had. These people I started communicating with made me feel like I was not alone in my battle. Not only diabetics but other people on twitter that are living a healthy lifestyle. Even through the internet you could feel their kindness and they are always there to cheer me on when I need it the most. Since then I have become an online admin for tudiabetes & the socal ambassador.
  • ShariMacD is a writer/editor who has found a more personal (and healthy) way to use writing. I’m an editor and writer, but I’ve resisted personal journal writing for years – thinking that it was a waste of writing time because I wasn’t producing something for public consumption. I recently started journaling as a way to help deal with some personal issues, and that has serendipitously coincided with my beginning a new phase of healthy eating/healthy living. Where I’d failed hundreds (thousands?) of times before at weight loss and healthy living attempts, this time around I’m finding it much easier to eat well and get my body moving. I believe this is because I’m journaling, which I’ve found to be a tremendously powerful form of self-care. By journaling, I’m allowing myself to feel what I feel, on the page. To process my life via words, instead of running from it by comforting myself with food. When I’m upset or stressed now, the first thing I think of is grabbing my journal, not grabbing a package of mini chocolate donuts.
  • knk had the most quoteable quote of all. blogging helps me get out what food helps me stuff in. emotions, thoughts, issues, concerns, dreams, fears. and the daily struggle to balance child, career, home, and me– that stuff only gets done by writing/blogging. otherwise, it sits, festers, infects me– takes over my subconscious until i’m doing things i don’t want to do. writing is a way to cleanse my soul, process my emotions, and find the energy to clear a path to a healthier happier life, even if its obscured. it bring me clarity and serves as a conscience. the words bear witness and keep me honest. they provide solace and comfort. writing allows me to listen without responding and gives me time and space to clear away the layers until i am sure of myself again and can face the challenges of weight loss, food demons, and personal growth.

So…. the moment is here! and the Random Thingy Chooser has chosen… JaimeH!

Congratulations, Jaime! You have won the laptop bag! Please email me your snail-mail address, and I will send it out this week! Keep doing that great work for diabetics everywhere. You have already helped me so much, so thank you!

Congratulations, Shari, knk, lavagal and bwjen! You have all won the foodie charms! Please send YOUR snail-mail addresses to Mara here, and she will send you your choice of either a necklace or cell-phone charm or zipper pull.

And thanks to Mara for sending out these prizes! Mara, I have something special for you, so please send ME your snail mail.

Thanks everyone who participated, I truly loved EVERY answer. I hope you will keep writing for health!! And guess what? I have another contest/giveaway in the works! Write about your favorite vegetable, and another fabulous prize might be yours!

4

Laptop Bag Giveaway!!

51WSk36dmpL._SL500_AA280_I’m doing a giveaway! The prize is this festive bag for carrying a laptop computer.  What you need to do to enter is to write a comment about how and why WRITING (blogging, freewriting, journaling, Twittering etc) is helping you in your quest for healthier living (eating well, exercise, dealing with illness, etc).

The winner will be picked only semi-randomly. I will choose the top five posts in terms of thoughtfulness. It’s too easy to just write “I love to write, and I want that laptop bag!” THEN I’ll send those top five to the random picker. The deadline for this giveaway is Monday, May 25th.

I truly believe that writing has made my journey towards health possible. I’d like to hear about yours.

21

Reality Check AGAIN

I went away for the weekend and did a lot of activity – 2 days of running, one day on the hotel elliptical. I was feeling quite virtuous! But I was not quite as careful/aware as usual of my food intake. Today when I was back on my home scale I discovered I had gained a few pounds.  But I had done such a good job of my exercise!

My food, not so much. I decided to go to the Weight Watchers Online site and track my points from yesterday, retrospectively.  HOLY TOLEDO. I was… er….. about 24 points OVER my daily limit! AEEEEEEEEEYAHHHHH!! And I was thinking I had not done “all that bad.” WRONG.

This is one of the helpful things about points. It’s a reality check. If I had been aware of how many points I was eating, I would not have made those choices. I assumed that they were much lower than they really were. YIKES. I mean YIKES.

I’m lucky the damage was only “a few” pounds.

I’ve been reading that weight loss is a LOT more linked to food than activity level, and that sure was true for me. So even if you run miles and miles, if you’re not conscious of your food intake, you can still do a lot of damage, weight wise.

(Sigh) Tomorrow is my WW leader interview. I’m not feeling very stellar or confident right now, but I guess I will demonstrate how one can get back on a horse after falling off.

And tonight was supposed to be my IOU Mother’s Day dinner (also for my mother) since we were traveling all weekend. I wish I could avoid going to a nice restaurant, but it is her favorite choice. I’m just going to have to make some good choices even though we are at a good place.

WOW. I’m still shaking my head in disbelief over the # of points I ate this weekend. Kind of amazing.

11

Blindsided

So it happened again today. I went blithely into my cardiologist’s office, practically SKIPPING because I was so over-the-moon proud and happy about my weight loss, my lowered triglycerices, my NORMAL BMI, my fantastic A1C levels — and while he was duly impressed (or at least acted sort of impressed), he zeroed right in on my cholesterol levels.  They’re like borderline high. My “good” cholesterol, HDL, is not quite high enough, and it has not budged an iota in four months, despite exercise and weight loss, etc.

He said, “I want to put you on a statin.”

He was just going by his medical protocol, but for me it was great clanging alarm bells and red lights and “YOU FAILED!!!!!!!!!!!”

Once again, I left a medical appointment, sat in my car and cried.

I called my physician husband and he gave me all sorts of pats on the back (vebally) and validation and explained the lunkheaded ways of doctors, and I still cried.

I felt once again like I was five years old and was getting a finger wagged at me, you know that old “NOT GOOD ENOUGH” voice.

Bleh! Feh! UGH!

He (husband) also gently reminded me that perhaps I had had unrealistic expectations, ie that by “doing good” (and you all KNOW the good I’ve been doing!!) I would be able to outrun all my diagnoses, throw away all medications, etc. Instead, I got MORE medication. It just feels like failure to me. I know I have to turn my head around. I am not the kind of person who shuns medication at ALL, I just wasn’t ready for MORE. I was at peace with what I was already taking, but I felt like I was going in a good direction and I was going to be rewarded for that somehow.

I’m probably going to have to take insulin one day. I am probably more prepared for that eventuality than I was for the statin. Ugh.

18

The End of Ambivalence

It’s kind of amazing to go to events where I run into people I haven’t seen since… Before. They’re kind of shocked, and always ask, How did you DO this? I laugh and say, “The short answer is, I got diabetes.” Of course everyone knows that diabetes itself does not cause weight loss, unless you’re really ill. But it’s a long answer. The longer answer is, “read my blog.” It’s so complicated and yet it is so simple. It’s so many things.

I went to Weight Watchers this morning and had a 3.2 lb loss at weigh-in. They had a bunch of flyers about WW leader recruitment. I took one. Still mulling this idea over. I still really really miss teaching, and it could be an interesting opportunity. I might go to one of their info meetings next week and find out more.

Anyway. I’ve been thinking a lot about: why now? Why, after 30 years of struggle, is this finally working? I have lost weight in the past – but never this much- and never without terrible effort.

This time, it feels almost effortless – and at the same time, I am putting every ounce of focus and attention on it. It’s one of those weird paradoxes. It doesn’t feel at all like a “diet” – and yet it has taken enormous reservoirs of time and mindfulness. But it’s not “hard.” If that makes sense. Does it make sense?

I realized today that one thing that’s very different this time around (and I think may be the KEY difference) is that I am not ambivalent. For a long time, I was ambivalent about losing weight because I was always wanting to lose weight for my LOOKS, and I felt angry about that. I felt like women should be loved and accepted and appreciated and deemed beautiful no matter what their size. (I still do) So it felt on some level like a betrayal of myself and other women to want to lose weight for looks reasons.

And yet..I have to admit that I think I look better now than I did in January. I FEEL better – both “looks” wise and health wise. I have tons more energy, and I just feel strong and happy.

It was not until I got this pre-diabetes wakeup call that I really cared about losing weight for other reasons, ie health. Before, I didn’t believe that I was unhealthy, because I wasn’t overweight enough. Or so I thought. I used to bristle at the notion that being “only” 25 or 30 lbs overweight was enough to endanger my health. I was wrong about that.

So I sort of defiantly stayed overweight and did not attend to my health because I didn’t want it to be about my looks.

Another thing that is different this year has to do with my past, and my life as an adopted person. It has definitely affected me throughout my life, to think of myself as a person whose very existence was a burden to others. I was most definitely a “mistake,” and the cause of much shame for my birth mother. (I’ve known her since I was 20) She likes me as a person, but also has VERY deep ambivalence about my very existence.  I am her worst, biggest and most distressing secret.

This year is the year that I made the pretty big decision to stop wishing that my birth mother would acknowledge me in the ways that I would like. I pretty much gave up. After about 30 years (hmm, is there a connection here?) of desperately hoping to openly be recognized as her relative. I wonder if this “giving up” makes it suddenly possible for me to lose weight, as well.

I was chasing after love where it couldn’t be found. I was pretty much a bottomless pit of need and sadness. Once, many years ago, in therapy, I made a little clay head with a huge open mouth. I called it “little head” and it represented my unending hunger. And why even the most giant pan of macaroni and cheese would never be enough. I understood it, but I couldn’t change it. Until I finally gave up on wanting what couldn’t be had.

Love isn’t inside food. It isn’t inside some people who just aren’t able to give. But I was certainly chasing after it, for years and years and years.

I’m finally getting where the love is. It’s in me, and it’s in people who are open to it. Food is just… something else. It’s wonderful to enjoy, it’s delicious and fun, but it isn’t love.

(lightbulb moment)

When I was diagnosed with diabetes, it was like I was being asked, “Well? Do you want to live? Are YOU ambivalent about your very existence?” and the answer came back a ferocious YES, and NO.

I’m not ambivalent anymore. I want to be here. I deserve to be here.

And that’s the pretty long answer about how I lost the weight.

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