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I Just Wanted To Taste It Again

White rice, that is. I haven’t had white rice (other than half-bites of sushi) since I began this blog in January. It was a terrible drugged fatigue after a lunchtime rice bowl that led me to finally agree to get my blood tested and I got my (pre)diabetes diagnosis. So it’s been a long time. Ever since then, my live-in mother has cooked white rice virtually every night (she’s Asian, and that’s Just the Way It Is) and I have stayed away from it.

But tonight, I weakened. I’d say it was a perfect storm of many things: it’s the highest intensity work week of my entire year, so mega stress; I didn’t have time to exercise; my husband is away for five days and I miss him; I have too much to do (did I say that already??); oh, and I’ve been doing really well with my maintenance (so hey! what a great time to sabotage myself); I did great at my doctors’ appointments last week (ditto) AND I’ve been focusing a lot more on weight loss stuff and less on my diabetes. In fact, I had not tested my blood since my medical visit. LAST WEEK.

I had been religiously testing myself like 5 times a day, and then 3, and then once, and then… oops, where’s my meter? I think once I got a good A1C test, (average of past 3 months of blood glucose levels) I felt like, HEY, I’ve got this down! I know what I’m doing! What a good time to blow it!

I didn’t have time to shop or cook tonight. I was semi-frantic from my brain working super overdrive. I got Indian food takeout. Now, I’ve done this a DOZEN times since January, and have done so well with a bit of grilled tandoori chicken, and some spinach and yogurt raita, but this time…  😦

It wasn’t the world’s biggest pigout, but compared to the way I’ve been eating since January, it was. I had two scoops of rice, probably about a cup total. AND a half piece of naan. AND several trips back to the chicken tikka masala and the vegi creamy stuff. It was all really good. But a combination of too much quantity, and too many white carbs.

After dinner, I had that falling-asleep drugged feeling again. I knew this was not good. I tested my blood. It was not disastrous by any means, but it wasn’t the lovely stellar numbers I’d been seeing for months.

So, it wasn’t a huge crash. It could’ve been the first step down a slippery slope. But I’m not going to let it. I tasted the rice. It was really delicious. But that feeling afterward? And the number on my meter? And the number that’s going to show up on the scale? None of that was worth it.

I think it was almost necessary to have this happen. I’ve been so “good.” For so long. I had to do a little experiment. The results were what I could’ve expected. Now I know that’s not going to happen again for a long while.

My body still can’t deal with carbs, can’t deal with that quantity of food. Sigh. Oh well. (but this is probably a good thing)

NEXT MORNING: Blood glucose STILL up. Weight up. OK, where’s that wagon? I am jumping back on and QUICK…!

8

Maintenance Is Like Plateau, But Better

So I’ve been “officially” at goal weight for two weeks, but I think more like a month or more because before that, I was less than a pound away.  The funny thing is is that before I hit that arbitrary Magic Number, I was at a Plateau (which everyone hates and dreads) and since I hit the number, I’m at Maintenance. But really there’s no difference. It’s all kind of silly.  Just something I’m noticing.

Somebody asked today if Maintenance was Hard, Easy, or Medium. I wouldn’t exactly say it’s EASY, but it isn’t hard either. It just… is. I think our bodies actually pretty much like staying in one place, which is why losing is hard(er).  I think it likes plateaus. I’m pretty much doing the same stuff as I have been all along but I definitely hit a wall of having weight just go away. I’d have to step it up in ways I can’t quite fathom in order to lose more right now.

I’m going to hang out here for a while. But it did occur to me that just a few months ago if my weight wasn’t budging, I’d be deeply unhappy. Now I see my body as just kind of resting, and stabilizing. I would like it if I could lose another bit of weight. I know I still have pudge in various areas that I’d like to lose. But I’m not desperate to do it, and feel like it will eventually happen. It might take me a year to lose another 5 lbs.  And that’s okay.

4

Eileen Fisher Made Me Fat

TK-P0547-GRAPHITESeveral  years ago, I began wearing Eileen Fisher clothing. At the time, I was ecstatic to find elegant, well-made clothes. They were comfortable, and flowing and I felt like they disguised my larger size. For many years it was pretty much all I wore. They are expensive, but I had a few pieces that were the staples of my entire wardrobe. I had one size L black pants with elastic waist and that was my uniform, paired with big boxy tops, or if I was feeling super daring, a cami paired with a big boxy jacket (LOL). I felt comfortable, and grateful that I didn’t have to look totally awful even if I was overweight.

The problem was that I had NO idea how my “clothes were fitting.” I could gain 25 lbs without having ANY IDEA of it, because those black elastic pants pretty much always fit. They probably would even fit me now. I didn’t really have any zippered pants other than some pretty large jeans, but even those depressed me when they got tight. So I avoided the scale, kept wearing elastic pants, didn’t know how fat I was getting AND really never had any sense of fullness when I was eating. Because that elastic could expand, and expand, and expand….

I’ve been reading lately how important it is to pretty much always wear nonstretch, zippered or buttoned clothing. For two reasons – so that you know what size your body is, and so that you can tell how full you are getting. These two concepts really meant nada to me for many years. I just wanted to be “comfortable.” But I had no idea how dangerous that comfort was.

Today I am wearing some pants that I bought recently. They are a tad snug because they went through the dryer for the first time this week. And I’m glad, because they are a reminder to me, as I go throughout my day, that I do not want them getting any more snug. I want them to fit, and hopefully, get a little looser over time.

I never really “got” this thing about elastic pants before. But I do now, and the only elastic I’ll wear now is for workout clothes. Oh, and I bought a new Eileen Fisher “pencil skirt” last week – size EXTRA SMALL (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and it looks pretty darn good. 🙂

PS. You have to realize that E.F. sizes their clothing HUGE, if *I* am wearing an Extra Small! But I’m not complaining.

————

I watched the 2nd episode of Dance Your Ass Off last night. On one hand, I liked it a lot (I love disco!!!!!) but on the other hand I liked it less. I noticed that my heart about JUMPED OUT of my chest when I saw a 10-second promo for the upcoming Biggest Loser Season! Woo!

But something about lasts night’s DYAO just seemed… sad to me. I can’t explain it. The psycho crybaby made me very uncomfortable, and I wished she’d gone home. Although I did like the way they all banded together and hauled the tempting “bad” food out to the trash. Good move, but I hated the tantrum that preceded it. She just made me super uneasy.

Also: I was trying to figure out WHY I liked that Lisa Ann Walter judge so much. (the middle one) I felt like I knew her realllly well but did could not place her. I love her but I don’t know why. Well last night I checked her out on IMDB and realized that she (many many pounds ago!) played the housekeeper character “Chessy” on the Parent Trap movie.  She was so super awesome in that movie, and we must have watched it over a hundred times. But she is way skinnier now and that’s why I didn’t recognize her. I’d love to hear her story. So sad about that movie – Natasha Richardson is tragically gone, and Lindsay Lohan is… well, Lindsay Lohan. That was one of the prime kid movies of our daughters’ growing up time. We know much of it by heart.

13

Too Much Of A Good Tweet?

I’ve been getting (and giving) huge support for health and fitness efforts over on Twitter. I love the community there and how it rallies around people, cheering them on for accomplishments, and lending a supportive hand when things aren’t going as well. I’ve found it to be something of a community OA sponsor, talking me down from cupcakes or lying on the couch when it’s time to exercise. I LOVE my Twitter community but sometimes… I find it hard to drag myself away. The thing about Twitter is that it’s going on 24/7, and there is always something to respond to.

This week the awesome MizFit wrote a very provocative blog post with the statement, “You are what you repeatedly do.” I contemplated this for quite a while. (update: the full quote is from Aristotle. “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”)

I am what I repeatedly do.

In some areas, this is quite good news. I have been repeatedly working out and making (for the most part) good food choices. I have been mindful. This is all good.

BUT. I have also been repeatedly Twittering, quite a bit. And recently I’ve seen that it’s kept me from doing other things I need and want to do. And I realize that it’s been a bit too much of a good thing. So I have put myself on a Twitter diet, with the invaluable help of a (free) program called LeechBlock. (what a name, huh? So it blocks the leeches from sucking your lifeblood away??)

LeechBlock is a simple productivity tool designed to block those time-wasting sites that can suck the life out of your working day.

I’ve added Twitter and Facebook to this program, and allowed myself five minutes per every two hours. I figure that this is equivalent to a “water cooler” break. I’m not going cold turkey, but it’s a good helpful reminder of what I want my priorities to be, and how I want to spend my time. And of course I can bypass it by changing the settings, but that’s like “cheating” on a healthy eating plan. I’m only cheating myself, so what’s the point?

That quote also reminded me, sadly, of what I am NOT repeatedly doing that I want to do more of, and that’s write. In my “other” non-Foodie life I am (or was) a writer, working on two novels, a book of nonfiction, short stories, a column etc. none of which have been getting much attention since I began this blog. So I am a blogger, but not a Writer. In my mind, these things are quite separate.

My day job is working up to its annual Big Event in a few weeks, and after that I really want to turn things around and spend more time writing. Keeping up the healthy stuff.

Tell me: who are you, based on what you repeatedly do?

12

A Great Half Year

Today was SUCH a better day than yesterday. Whew! I don’t have a huge amount of time, but here’s a summary:

  • It’s July 1 and many people were ruminating on their New Year’s resolutions and what has happened in this first half of 2009. Well, I have to say it has been totally awesome from my perspective. It has way surpassed my expectations. In fact, on January 1, 2009 I was so overweight and bummed and hopeless about it, I did not make any resolutions because I felt there was no chance of making good on anything. Then on January 17th I got my pre-diabetes diagnosis and everything changed. I began this blog. I started seeking out a healthy community. And, as they say, the rest is history. My body and self have changed more in these six months than any other period in my life, other than pregnancy. (or perhaps the first six months) It has been a great period of transformation. I’m really happy with the first half of this year, and anticipate an excellent 2nd half as well. (I’ll be turning 50!)
  • I had two MD appointments today: with my endocrinologist and my cardiologist. Both were totally impressed and pleased with my progress in every area. My weight loss and exercise have made for some dramatic and good changes in my blood pressure, blood glucose, lipids and other important health numbers. The two of them did convince me that it is time to go on statins, and this time I felt OK about it and I agreed. I’m cool with it. I will pick up my Zocor tomorrow.
  • I did two workouts today and I felt great with both: first, I did level 2 of Jillian Michael’s 30Day Shred. I guess I’m not going to Shred in 30 days since I hardly do it every day. But it felt really good. It IS a lot harder than level 1, but I kept it up and even followed the Hard Girl for about 80% of it. I was sweating rivers when I was done, and felt great. She had some moves in there that I had never done before, like “plank-jacks” (horizontal jumping jacks while in plank position) and oblique twists. I was psyched about it. Then this evening I did the Cemetery Workout (yes in a cemetery – photos here) and one of my old workout buddies whom I haven’t seen in FOREVER showed up, and that was big fun.
  • I received an email from someone I had not heard from in 10 years, and it made me very happy.
  • I was happy that my “tired” state from yesterday really lasted only like 24 hours. I am as bouncy as ever today.
11

(Undesperately) Seeking Balance

At one of my WW staff training sessions, the leader warned us all that it was going to be potentially tricky, to balance WW work with our own health and fitness. At the time I didn’t really get what she was talking about. But it hit me last night.

After my traveling weekend, I had plans to go to an exercise class last night. I was realllly looking forward to it. But about an hour before, I got a call from a WW leader that a receptionist/weigh-in person was needed, like right away.

Of course, I could have said no. On the other hand, when one is in a new position it is a good thing to be seen as helpful and responsive. AND, I really feel that I could use as much mentoring/training as I can get. There are so many minute details involved in this job, and I think the more practice, the better. So I said sure.

This was my third training session and my second time doing weigh-ins. My mentor was great in helping me with doing a practice run-through before they opened the doors. I felt a lot more relaxed than I did the last time. I also felt very strongly how incredibly intimate this is, to see someone’s weight like that. It’s so personal. I had a bit of a flash that the little weigh-in booth is not unlike a confessional, but instead of prescribing ten Hail Marys or whatever, we hand them a fresh tracker and the chance to start a new week.

I was less nervous about the myriad little details this time, so I felt like I was able to really focus more on the people. I felt so much tenderness for these people as they performed the ritual removing of shoes, watches, belts, ANYthing before they stepped up. I think it is a really big deal, and important, that WW staff are also WW members. I SO know what they are going through. (in fact, I need to do my WI for this week, and have been procrastinating!) I kept thinking of the Buddhist loving-kindness (“metta”) prayer in my head: (may you be happy. may you be safe. may you be peaceful) But I expanded it a little bit, adding silently: may you be healthy. may you be free of shame.  I kept repeating this in my head in between members.

One woman achieved a big goal she had been striving toward for a long time. She was so happy, and I was so thrilled for her. High fives all around! It was like being a store owner whose customer wins the lottery. It was really exciting! I had four people up for various “recognitions” and I was really so glad for all of them. And for the people who gained, I tried to offer as much support and encouragement as I could. I think I did a good job, and my mentor had some really kind and complimentary words for me afterward.

When I got home, it was pretty late and I had not yet had dinner. I ate and then did not feel like exercising. It was already dark.

AH, I thought. So THIS is the balance thing they were talking about.

I watched the new show, Dance Your Ass Off, which is sort of a combination of Biggest Loser and Dance With the Stars. I am already a sucker for such shows, and this one really really impressed me. It involves a number of very overweight people who are trying to shed pounds AND compete in dance competitions.  For one, these people all had great personalities and were great dancers. Their confidence was so out there, and that put them miles ahead of the general population, as far as I’m concerned.

It’s hard to dance and show your body when you’re not feeling it’s in its optimal shape. But they were all out there – jumping and strutting and shimmying and just going wild with beautiful exuberance. I felt quite emotional while watching them. I am a terrible, self-conscious dancer who has never felt good about how I might look. I feel like I have no coordination and that I just look foolish. Recently a friend of mine had a dance party for her birthday and while I had fun, I also felt like I was the biggest klutz out there.  I only really felt comfortable dancing with my husband. At one point we had to switch partners and I think one of my partners was absolutely incredulous at how bad I was. SO… I am completely awed by the folks on this show who are so good, and they’re definitely choosing a super fun way to get into better shape. My hat is so off to them!!

Today, I am going to exercise no. matter. what.

3

Be Mindful, and Don’t Suffer

At least once a week I go someplace where I run into someone I haven’t seen in a few months or more. Since Before. And very often they will say, “HOW did you do this?!?” It’s hard to sum it up in a few words, because it truly is a long story, but I think my “elevator pitch” (code for how to pitch a book, or business proposal to an agent or funder in the time it takes to ride an elevator) would be “By being mindful, and not suffering.”

I know, it’s very Buddhist, right? But truly I think this is what has made All the Difference this time. I started attending a meditation class very soon after my pre-diabetes diagnosis. And the idea of being mindful- of paying attention – made a huge impact on my whole weight loss journey. I decided to really pay attention to everything  – to what I truly wanted to eat, and if eating was what I wanted at all, and how much to eat, and everything. It has been absolutely invaluable.

I loved that this week, in my WW mentoring session, the leader spoke a LOT about “being mindful.” I don’t know if he’s a Buddhist or not, but he did bring it up about 20 times during the meeting, and people were nodding and really getting it. I loved that.

Another big concept in Buddhism is that of Suffering.  I know that I have suffered mightily because of my weight and food issues, throughout my life. I suffered when I felt I was depriving myself of food I wanted, but I also suffered when I ate things for the Wrong Reasons (ie for comfort or distraction). I suffered from guilt and remorse, shame and self hatred. There was a LOT of suffering going on.

It’s been shocking for me to notice that this New Way has involved very little suffering, and I know that if I feel like I am suffering, it’s going to come back and bite me BIG time. So it’s important for me to never, ever sigh dramatically and say, “I guess I should eat THIS (salad?) instead of THAT.” Because if I feel deprived in ANY WAY, shape or form, I’m going to overeat. Every single time. I have to find something that makes me HAPPY and satisfied, as well as being a good choice.  Salad is a good example. Sometimes I really crave and love and feel like eating salad. But often, if it’s a cold day or whatever, I want HOT FOOD.  Before, it would be a choice between two kinds of suffering: I’d have a cold salad and feel all deprived, OR I’d have .. I dunno, a huge plate of lasagne or fried chicken and THEN I’d suffer because I’d feel overstuffed, guilty and remorseful. And fat.

So the key is to really be MINDFUL and say, OK, I don’t want salad. (“Then don’t eat salad!”) I want hot food. OK, what kind of hot food will satisfy and yet not make me feel remorseful? Often it is SOUP. I have come to looooooooove soup very much. Because there are so many delicious kinds of soup and EVEN soup that is a bit rich (some cream in it, or meat) a cup of soup can go a very long way. There is a wonderful French food takeout place near my work that has two kinds of amazing soup every day. Usually that will be all I want for lunch, and it probably has WAY fewer calories than a salad with blue cheese, nuts, dressing, avocadoes etc etc.

I have had to build up my repertoire of foods that I both love and feel good about eating. This has taken some time and practice but now I feel like I have wonderful choices.

I still always have half-and-half in my coffee, because I have tried many alternatives (black coffee, skim milk in coffee, nonfat half and half) and they ALL make me suffer. I want my half-and-half. But I have made other changes that allow that to be okay. (more exercise, soup for lunch, etc)

So that’s my short answer for How I Did It (and how I intend to keep Doing It): Be mindful and don’t suffer.

Over and out.

15

“I Wish My Doctor Would Make Me Lose Weight”

No, I didn’t say that.  But a friend of mine did, when we got together recently. We were WW buddies for a long time, many years ago and on and off.  We both started together fifteen years ago, and we’ve seen each other during many ups and downs.   She recently saw her doctor, who was thrilled at her low blood pressure, her stellar cholesterol and triglyceride levels and her perfectly normal blood sugar.  She’s also at a weight that’s very high for her, but her doctor wasn’t concerned and said only, “Lose weight if you want to, but you’re perfectly healthy.” My friend felt really disappointed at not being admonished to lose weight, and feels like she doesn’t feel motivated the way I do, because for me, it’s much more of a health mandate.

So. Should she just relax and not worry about losing weight? But she’s not happy at her weight. Is it difficult for her to lose weight, and harder to find motivation, if it’s not about being healthy? Personally, I feel like being healthy=being fit and being able to move about easily without a thought: climbing stairs, going on hikes, taking walks wherever without a second thought, etc etc. Not to mention more challenging things like sports, boating, etc.

It also makes me really believe that getting diagnosed with diabetes was a true gift to me. Because it DID wake me up, big time, and made me motivated like nothing else has. But I’ve heard that 75% of diabetics are NOT compliant and do NOT lose weight even when it’s recommended. I guess it takes different things for different people.

At this point I feel like I would never, ever, ever go Back to where I was. Now that I am here, I realize that I am truly a happier person when I am feeling healthy and fit and not constantly wrestling with food issues.  Someone commented not too long ago that everything is not solved when we lose weight, and I agree with that. BUT. I truly am overall in a much happier place than I used to be. It used to be that if I had a happy moment, it was a BIG DEAL. They might come once a week or even once a month sometimes. But now, I honestly can say that I feel happy for the large part of every day. I get totally giddy when I hear my favorite songs on the radio (current super happy song: “Strange Overtones” by David Byrne, it cracks me up NO END), I am filled with happy endorphins when I work out, I love my friends and my family. I have a great and meaningful job. It’s all very, very good.

Would I be in this place right now if I hadn’t been scared into it by diabetes? I do not know.

10

Running Up That Hill

Had another NSV (nonscale victory) today.  For the longest time (5+ years, ever sinc we have lived here) one of my biggest nemeses has been this HILL around the corner from my house. That hill lies between our home and this beautiful regional park where I love to walk/run. But the problem is that the HILL is extremely steep. And since it comes at the very beginning of my workout, I am often winded, stiff, and in pain as I do the worst part of my workout first. It used to make me so cranky and distraught that I would avoid working out altogether, because by the time I got to the top of the hill I would be in such a bad mood that basically the stress hormone in my body (cortisol) negated any endorphins I might enjoy.

That hill was seriously psyching me out. I used to tell my trainer, “If I could ONLY get to the point where that hill doesn’t kill me….” But after 3 years of training, the hill was still kicking my butt. Not one time went by when I didn’t have to stop halfway up, lean over with hands on knees, gasp, pant and swear a bit. It really felt bad. I wanted to be able to make it up the hill without feeling like I was dying halfway.

Sometime in February, I made a deal with myself that I would not put myself through the Agony of the hill, because I knew I was avoiding walking in the park because I hated the hill so much. I told myself it was OK to DRIVE the stupid 1/4 mile to the parking lot, get out and walk or run from there. So that I wouldn’t get myself all distraught by doing the hill first.

Well, so guess what happened today? You can guess! THE HILL DID NOT KILL ME! Sure, I was breathing harder than normal, but I kept up my fast rate, I didn’t stop, and I didn’t feel like utter crap by the time I got to the top. It was just what I had always hoped for.

Today, I told myself I was going to “take it easy” because I’d been doing very hard workouts this week. I ran three times, did a few killer gym workouts, and did 1000x hops on the spin bike. My arms were screaming from the many pushups and crab walks I did.  I didn’t want to skip exercise altogether so I told myself, just walk in the park. It’ll be a … walk in the park! (LOL) I set off with my music and chugged up the hill. YAY.

I ran into a friend of mine I haven’t seen in a few months. She was running. She stopped and said many nice, shocked statements about my size and state of fitness. That was nice. (although I realize I am not exactly graceful at accepting compliments yet. I guess the appropriate response is probably a simple ‘thank you’)

I continued on. One of my “running songs” came on (“Heat Wave” by Linda Ronstadt) I couldn’t help it. I started running. I just ran until the song was over, then resumed walking. Then another “running song” came on (“Don’t Fear the Reaper” which is one of my favorites ever). I ran again. This happened 3 or 4 times and at one point, I was at this very steep hill (much like the one near my house) out on the trail. Normally I feel pretty macho if I just WALK fast up that thing. But I kept running. I was like, HOLY CRAP I AM RUNNING UP A HILL.

Remember that old Kate Bush song, “Running Up That Hill?” I used to love that song. Anyway, some of the lyrics go

“If I only could, I’d be running up that hill.
If I only could, I’d be running up that hill.”
And if I only could,
I’d make a deal with God,
And I’d get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh…

And EVERY TIME I heard that song, I’d sort of sigh a little bit and think, *I* could never run up ANY freaking hill.

But look at me now.

6

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