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A Little Shaky


Fear of the Dark

Originally uploaded by stuant63

I don’t know if I totally psyched myself out with that last post about 2009/2010. But the first couple of days of the year have not been what you’d call stellar.

I was doing great with my holiday period maintenance for WEEKS! Even last weekend after Christmas, all seemed to be fine. I was in my low range. But then suddenly, just in the past 3-4 days, my weight has been creeping creeping creeping up. I am now almost 5 lbs over my pre-Christmas low. This is NOT GOOD. Because I feel like I’ve been keeping things on track with my new BodyBugg, and eating reasonably. I wonder if it just took a few days? for the holiday indulgences to really register and yeah, SETTLE on my body. Ugh!

THEN, I started taking my blood sugars more regularly again. Guess what? They suck. Yesterday it was elevated. Today it was elevated even MORE. I’m going to be testing multiple times daily again to see what is up with that.

And I’m going back to the gym, yeah with all the hordes. I have to. My Saturday morning Nia class was cancelled so I am going to check out a Zumba at my gym later this morning. And then hit the machines.

I’m upset with myself. The mind is such a powerful thing! Did I psych myself into believing that 2010 would be a huge fail for me? Am I bringing that into reality?

Maybe what this is all about is a way for me to feel incredibly solidarity and compassion for all the folks who will be banging down the doors of Weight Watchers this month. I’m with ya, people. It’s a new start for all of us.

————-

Edited to add: I LOVE you guys. Thanks so much for all the great support here, and on Twitter. There’s nothing like community, is there? Well I just got back from the gym. The Zumba class was very high energy although a little too fancy-footwork for me. Not sure I will do it again. But then I did a high-level 30 minutes on my favorite cardio machine (I STILL don’t know what it’s called, but it’s a combo stairmaster + elliptical) and now I feel a lot better. And I just tested my blood glucose again, and it’s (whew) down to 84, so I’m very happy about that. Lunch was a nice zero-point vegi soup with some roasted turkey thrown in, with a clementine after. I feel satisfied, sweaty and clean, and 100x better. Whewwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Goals for 2010

Are these resolutions? I don’t know. They’re more like a list of things I want to accomplish in the coming year. Many of them are kind of ambitious. I have to say, that having the success I did here in 2009 has boosted my confidence for ANY goals. So I am ready to take these on.

Here goes. In 2010, I hereby declare, I intend to:

  1. Complete a half marathon on February 7th. Given the state of my ankle, any sort of locomotion (walk/jog/run) is fine with me, as long as I complete in the allotted time, which I believe is at a 14min/mile pace.
  2. RUN one-quarter of the first Oakland Marathon on March 28th. YAY Team Penguin!!
  3. Qualify to join the National Weight Control Registry. If I maintain at least a 30 lb weight loss by June 23,  2010, I will qualify.
  4. Pitch, write and publish an article (hopefully about the benefits of blogging for health and weight loss) in Weight Watchers magazine. It would make me no less than ecstatic if I could somehow merge my health and writer selves.
  5. Fit into my 1988 wedding dress.
  6. Become a WW Diamond Leader by the end of 2010. This means being in the top 20% of leaders in the country – in terms of members losing weight and being successful, and a few other parameters. This would be so awesome!
  7. I might keep adding to this list as the year goes on.

Amazing Grace

Today was a wonderful day. Started with a WW meeting which just felt… good. Not packed with people, but great energy. Then I went to a Nia class, something I haven’t done in what feels like a long time. (weeks?) It was one of those transcendental, beautiful Nia classes. It felt so energizing/calming all at once, and very moving. It ended with everyone sitting in a circle while we listened to a beautiful rendition of “Amazing Grace” by the Soweto Gospel Choir. It was so emotional for me, sitting there and listening to that music.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

I really felt those words. A year ago I truly was wretched. I was unhappy, unhealthy, and sad. I can’t believe the  journey I have been on this year. A few people were crying as we sat there. I got a big lump in my throat.  Then she played a chant of Om Namo Bhagavate, as a send off for her upcoming trip to India. As we sat, the instructor walked around and I heard a little “plink” on the floor. She put a little Buddha charm in front of each of us.  Another beautiful anchor for this year. The back of it has an inscription that translates to “Buddha bring me safety and comfort” or something like that. I felt so so happy when I left that class.

It’s truly been a year of grace.

Verklempt.

I got to my evening WW meeting tonight and was surprised to see my BOSS standing there! He had a present for me: THIS, poster sized, in a big frame. I was… overcome. Really.

(no, it’s not a REAL WW magazine cover, he did it in Photoshop! – what talent, right?) But truly I can’t even express what this means to me, on so many freaking levels. And if you don’t know the significance of this image, read this post.

This week I talked a few times about how on Facebook, there’s that “Year in Facebook” collage app, and it sort of summarizes your 2009 FB status updates. One of the very first updates I wrote in 2009 was: Need to lose weight for medical reasons. I’m scared. I need company. I remember what a frightened, sorry state I was in. But I put it out there. I started this blog. And, as they say, the rest is history.

Boy, see what happens when you put it out there? Did I ever get company. I’m truly overwhelmed with gratitude for this year.

Anyway, speaking of The Big Cheese, his blog post for this week is really funny and yet REAL and true, and what makes WW work at its essence. Having a good time. Planning. Making choices. Being intentional about all of it. And not feeling remorse for indulging, when that indulgence is intentional. He really, truly walks the walk as well as talks the talk. I printed out and read this post at several of my meetings this week and not only did members laugh, I think they really GOT IT.

Mallomars and the Big Cheese

Today was QUITE a day. Started off with a great workout with my trainer, along with a good buddy of mine, L. She is on a path to health and strength and he welcomed her in to the den of torture good times. No, really, it was all good. I was thrilled to bits to introduce them to each other.  And I had an excellent workout, a little surprising since I almost cancelled last night when I thought I was going to absolutely DIE from lady problems. My body is seriously going through some major, er, transition, and it really put me through the wringer last night. Anyway, I recovered in time to get out to the gym and get a nice sweat on.

After that I ran home, showered, fretted over my wardrobe, threw something on and then ran down to our local WW center for a big Town Hall meeting with none other than the Big Cheese, El Queso Grande, the national CEO of WW, David Kirchhoff! I am normally not all gaga over CEO types but THIS one also happens to be a fantastic blogger. A food and weight loss/health blogger! I love his blog. He’s a great writer and I love the way he explores all these issues. Plus, he Tweets every now and then which is also fun. So I was very excited to meet the guy in person.

When I got there, he was already talking and I kinda snuck in and sat in a back corner. He had a lot of interesting things to say, about health care and obesity, about the Company, about the direction it’s going in, etc etc. He’s also a very compelling, relaxed but energetic speaker. He told a great story about the beginnings of WW, which began with this Queens housewife named Jean Niditch back in the 1960s. I had heard a little bit about her during my training, but I’d never heard…. the Mallomar story!

As he told it, apparently Jean had been overweight her whole life and tried every desperate thing under the sun, none of which worked. And finally she found some medical weight loss clinic which recommended pretty much what WW does today: healthy food, in reasonable amounts. And it sorta worked for her but not really. Because she was eating what they told her, but as it turned out, she was also eating from a stash of Mallomars she kept in her laundry hamper. Heh.

(Warning, detour ahead) I really perked up when he mentioned the word “Mallomars.” These cookies have very sentimental and historical significance in our family. We LOVE Mallomars. In fact I once wrote a poem about my grandmother and Mallomars:

Mallomars

When I grew sophisticated enough

at age seven

to distinguish between

fresh Mallomar cookies and stale,

I decided

that stale was better.

The chocolate cover,

a deep brown waxy dome,

cracked softly between my teeth,

and the marshmallow inside

was chewy and resilient.

The cookie bottom would have

long lost its crunch

and would dissolve

like sweet crumbled dust

in my mouth.

My grandmother paid attention to

these details:

she would age the Mallomars

like fine wine in the cellar

carrying the yellow boxes downstairs

and laying them deep

into a shelf in my father’s cool dusty workroom.

She would mark the date

on the slick plastic package,

her katakana characters wavering

under a ball point pen.

Six months, ten months later,

my grandmother

would emerge like a

triumphant diver

at the top of the cellar stairs,

waving the treasure,

wiping the sawdust away

cultured chocolate pearls

brought up from

the depths.

Well, I’ve learned that you can’t GET Mallomars in most of California. And in fact you can only get them for a few select months out of the year. They’re very seasonal, like Dungeness crab. OK, I digress. Back to Jean. Apparently it was not until she confessed her Mallomar stash to the other “fat ladies” (Jean’s words, not David’s or mine) that she was able to make progress with her weight loss. Ta-daa! Isn’t this just what I wrote about the other day? He mentioned more about the toxic nature (or was it the burden?) of shame, and how the act of coming together and speaking truthfully with these other women was what became the very first WW meeting, and what helped her to lose her weight for good.

Now, I have not known a lot of WW meetings to be super deep and confessional places, although SOME of them are, particularly ones that are led by people who show that example and open it up for members. I would hope that eventually my members will feel comfortable enough to share some of the things that hold them back. I can see how the training materials we get are designed to support people in that way.

Anyway, more stuff was said, including some rather extensive commentary about Valerie Bertinelli (LOL), which I found amusing. Also the great quote that we do not necessarily make bikini models, but we make healthier people. Hooray for that.

And he said that great leaders need to be leading More Meetings, at which point, my boss gave me this Look, and we both cracked up because of all my angsting over balance and more and more and more meetings. But at that moment if Big Cheese had asked me to lead fifty-three meetings a week, I probably would’ve said yes.

OK. This post is getting way long. Here’s the punch line. I had been mulling over, SHOULD I mention anything about blogging? Or my blog? Or the fact that we seem to be Twitterquaintances? And before I could decide, the meeting was over, and he was about to rush off to the airport, and I thought, I better go say something! and lo and behold, HE WALKED up to ME and said, straight off, something to the effect of: “I know you from your blog! It’s a great blog!” I can’t actually remember if he said, “Your blog is great,” or “I like your blog,” or WHAT, but it was something like that.

Um. I was… FLOORED.

David Kirchhoff actually reads my blog?!?!?

🙂

Let me just say, it made my day. I spluttered and stuttered and who knows what else. And then he said, “You’re a lot more prolific than I am,” to which I said, “Well jeez, you are traveling all the time, it’s incredible you manage to do as much as you do.” And it’s true. His blog posts are so thoughtful, and he includes pictures and links and they’re not just these little throwaways. He thinks about this stuff.

So then I had my boss take a picture of us (!!!!!!!!!!!! can you see that I’m just like, squeeeing with joy?!) and then he went on his way and I’ve just sorta been on cloud nine all day.

It was a great, great day! Mallomars and the Big Cheese all in one place. And suddenly I got all re-energized.

Tradition? Tradition!

I had been a little worried about various traditions during the holiday period. One thing I always do is make mega-batches of sugared pecans to give away to friends, teachers, coaches, etc. They are so easy and yet so festive and delicious. But a little voice inside me was saying, “You’re not going to do THAT, are you?”

Well, I’m not going to make them and then eat a whole bag of them myself. Or keep them in a giant open bowl on the counter and grab a handful every time I go by. I’m not going to do that. But I am going to make them, and give a lot of them away, and keep some and eat them in a slow and mindful fashion. That I’ll do.

Another tradition Mr. McBody and I have is to purchase one bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream during the holiday time. Usually we drink one glass (each) while trimming the tree, and then we drink a little more when wrapping presents on Christmas eve. It’s not like this huge alcoholic blowout thing, it’s a little indulgence. But I thought, oh oh, we won’t be drinking our Bailey’s. But why the heck not?? So I bought a bottle, and we enjoyed it very much during the tree trimming, and the rest of the bottle is there. Realizing that we could still do these things Even Though I’m On this Healthy Path was like this huge lightbulb moment. Wow, I’m not dieting! I’m LIVING.

This lightbulb moment reminds me of a blog post I just read by Man Meets Scale, who, incidentally, I am going to meet tomorrow at an official WW  event!! I am very excited about this. I’m going to tell him what a huge fan I am of his blog. And maybe bring him a piece of fancy chocolate for his stocking. 🙂

I also happen to be at the lowest weight I have been all 2009. It’s a funny number. As soon as I get into this number, something always goes Boing! in my head and I immediately start bouncing up. I’ve been trying to talk myself down this time though. I don’t know if it’s nervousness at going into this Very Unfamiliar Territory, or it’s a weird relaxation of focus because I think I’m “there” (whatever “there” is) —  but this time I am wondering if I can actually STAY at this particular number and maybe even edge beyond it once we are in 2010. It’s a very curious little mind game I play with myself. Because to go beyond THIS number means…. I don’t even know what it means. It means something, though.

The Cup Runneth Over

This week it seems I am being offered to lead WW meetings right and left. And up and down. On one hand, I find this very flattering. People seem to think I am doing a good job. Which is great. On the other hand, this it testing me in ways that are very… interesting.

How difficult it is for me to say no when something seems like a good idea, or is very compelling. Or when it seems like I will do a good job at it.

For a long time in my earlier adult life, I did not feel very competent or very good at what I did. I was a big ball of low-self esteem. It was rough.

Now, later in my adult life, I have grown into, or found many things that I actually do believe I am good at. Which is wonderful. And I feel very fortunate to be able to have opportunities in these areas. But the problem is that I think there is a small part of me that believes I still suck at everything, and that I NEED TO SHOW that I can do something well. And so I keep saying yes to stuff even when it is beyond my capacity, time or energy wise. Plus, I hate letting people down.

But if I don’t let SOME people down, then OTHER people will be let down. Not long ago my husband remarked that I was now “married to WW.” Ahem. Which seemed to be a signal of… something. How can I balance it all? I do not know. This is one of the major challenges of life.

It also occurred to me that this inability to say “no” was partly what got me into trouble (with food) in the first place. I’ve got that part going much better now, but now I have to be the same way with my time. Maybe I need a time tracker like a food tracker. No, not maybe. Definitely.

This morning, on Facebook, I came across this quote on someone else’s page:

“The most regretful people on earth are those who felt the call to creative work, who felt their own creative power restive and uprising, and gave to it neither power nor time.” ~ Mary Oliver

That one kind of stabbed me in the heart. Because that is me. And yes, being a WW leader is a KIND of creative work (I truly believe that, and it is one reason why I find it compelling) but there is the other creative work, of my writing, that has been severely neglected this year. And part of me regrets that so much. I need to find a way to balance it all. I don’t know what that is yet. I am really wishing and hoping to find balance in 2010.

We’re All On Our Own Journeys

I’m discovering that one of the pitfalls of being a WW leader is being too heavily (no pun intended) invested in our members’ progress. I now have four regular meetings a week.  At one of them, I am “only” a receptionist which I am realizing has become my “relaxing” meeting. I enjoy the members, I like them, but I don’t feel like they are MY RESPONSIBILITY. In the other meetings, I feel uber responsible. I fret if people don’t come. I fret if they don’t lose weight or if they are frustrated. This is all part of my own learning journey, I realize. It’s definitely a pitfall of being a borderline (?) codependent, caregiving, invested kind of person.

All I can say is, it’s a good thing my WW leaders over the past 15 years did not take ME personally, because if they had, they would’ve gone out back and shot themselves. I missed a lot of meetings. I had plateaus that went on for months. Then I quit. Then I rejoined. With a bad attitude. I came to the meetings but sat there with a sucking-lemon face. I did not really listen to what the leaders said. I played games on my cell phone. I rolled my eyes.

Holy toledo. Is this… karma coming back to bite me in the butt? Ha ha ha ha. Maybe it is.

So, in all my meetings, I’d say some members are doing spectacularly well. Others are doing so-so and some are really struggling. Which I guess is probably par for the course. But since *I* am so newly enamored of this program, and feel it works so well for me, I sometimes don’t know what to do when everyone is not on the same page. Or even reading the same book. Or even in the same universe.

I DO feel that I can empathize with their frustration, their disappointment and disgust (with themselves as well as with the program). I can honestly say, I’ve been there. But what would have made a difference to me, during all that time when I was in that place? Anything??

Truly, I had so much of my OWN crap that I was grappling with at the time, I don’t know if any leader could have made a difference. I will say that none of them tried. Nobody reached out to me when I was falling away, when I was missing tons of meetings. When I disappeared (for years). Nobody asked me, what’s going on? Again, I have no idea if it would have made a difference.

I think a lot of it had to do with motivation. I often joined but was not motivated. I didn’t really care. I felt like I was there because someone ELSE thought I should be there. (as untrue as that may have been, it was the way I perceived it) And when someone is in that place, it is really hard to reach them.

But I do notice when people don’t come. I notice when they don’t see what they want on the scale, and then they vanish. How familiar is that? Very familiar.

It’s a humbling experience for me, being on this side of things. I’m learning so much, about myself, about other people, and again and again how we are all connected. Or not. I have to remind myself to breathe, and to just offer what I have to offer. And if people are in a place where they really want to make these changes, they will. And if they’re not, well, maybe they’ll come around again in 5 or 10 years.

thanks thanks thanks

Yesterday was a wonderful Thanksgiving. I had both of my daughters home, and other friends and family. The food prep felt almost effortless, and everything was delicious. I gave some friends a few WW recipes and was amazed and pleased at how yummy and undietish it tasted. We had a creamed spinach that was absolutely decadent: and only one point!

I woke up early and went to a Turkey Trot organized by some other local WW leaders.  Around 60 people showed up and we took a lovely trot down the shoreline. The weather was chilly but sunny and really perfect. I think the course was around 5k. I walked out, enjoying a nice chat with one of the members from my Mon night meeting. When we got to the turnaraound point, I was feeling nicely warmed up and was really in the mood to try to run. I told myself, I’ll go until it doesn’t feel good. Well it felt GREAT the whole time! My ankle did not hurt or feel the least bit unstable. (I was wearing my brace) This made me very happy and something good to feel thankful for (among many).

The rest of the day was wonderful. Great food, laughing and a hilarious game of Apples to Apples.

This morning, though, I woke up and had a very sore throat. Wah. I haven’t been sick in so so so long. But here it is. I’ve had a regular flu shot but not an H1N1. I am hoping for the best. I hope I am well for my WW meeting on Sunday morning –this is not a good time to try and find a sub!

I crept out to a Nia class at 9am and took it easy- I felt like I needed to stretch and move, but when I came back that was definitely the big energy expenditure of the day.

Can you believe we had NO – I mean NO turkey leftover? 15 lbs for 15 people, and it just vanished. This made me feel bereft. All that stuffing (pans and pans!) and gravy and potatoes and EVERYthing — but NO TURKEY. So I stopped at the grocery and bought a 5 lb turkey breast and just roasted it. YUM. (why don’t I do this more often? It’s so easy! and yummy!) It was even better than the big turkey yesterday.

Is it starve a cold, feed a fever? Whatever it is, I am in eating mode.  YUM TURKEY.

And then… nap. Ahhhhhhh.

PS. Anybody have any ideas for leftover shrimp? We had shrimp cocktail as an app yesterday, and there’s about a pound leftover. I thought… shrimp salad, for sandwiches? Any other ideas?

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