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Why Do I Want To Lose Weight?

Along with a friend of mine, I decided to actually write out my specific reasons for wanting to lose weight. I’ve been mulling this in my head for the past month, and it occurs to me that it is very, very different from other times. In the past, I’ve wanted to… just because.  But it was very mushy thinking. The only time I was ever really successful with a food plan was when I was pregnant with my daughter and had gestational diabetes. My food intake was impeccable during that period. There was NOTHING I was going to do to put that baby at risk.

So here I am again, only it’s me this time. I’m the one who is at risk. And I’m finding it an excellent, excellent motivator. And here are my Reasons. (not necessarily in order of importance, just as they come into my head)

  • I don’t want to have diabetes. I don’t want to have to take medication or insulin to keep it under control.
  • I want to be a healthy role model for my daughters. I feel like I have a lot of karma to work off for the years of being an unhealthy one.
  • I don’t want my physician husband to have to feel “concerned” about me and my health because I am overweight.
  • I’d love to be able to randomly order clothes from a catalog or at a store and feel pretty confident that they will fit and/or look good on me.
  • I want physical activity to feel good, not to feel like torture.
  • I want to have energy, not feel like a couch potato.
  • I know I will die someday, but when I do, I want to feel that I did not contribute to my death by having unhealthy habits. I used to have a recurring dread nightmare that I would die of a stroke or heart attack, and when they did an autopsy they would find that my heart was encased in fat like a big butterball.  And people would shake their heads and say, She brought this on herself. I want to feel that I truly did all I could do to keep myself healthy.
  • I feel a lot bouncier overall when I weigh less  – physically and emotionally.
  • I want to find better ways of dealing with my emotions other than eating stuff.
  • I want to not be disgusted with myself.

The Beck book recommends making multiple copies of your list and keeping it in one’s wallet, coat pocket, computer screen and whatnot.

Can I just say, I love my reasons. I think they are good reasons and I think they will help me get where I want to go. In the past, I had either very nonspecific reasons, or dumb, temporary reasons like “high school reunion.” (did that, 10 years ago, promptly put it all back on right after) I feel like these reasons are going to stay with me for a long time. Or at least that is my hope. They’re not reasons that can “wear off.”

What are your reasons?

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Potluck Pitfalls

So, the potluck was only semi-successful, foodwise. First, I waited too long to get in line for the food. I didn’t want to just dive at it first thing, and there were a lot of people around the table, so I milled around and perused the auction items and got my glass of mineral water (no bowl of cut limes, though :-() before going to get my food. And guess what happened? By the time I got to my dish of beautiful roasted veggies, there was only like ONE SPOONFUL left!! Arghhhh!

Then I went to my strawberry-feta salad. There was something wrong with it — too vinegary, I don’t know, but it just wasn’t the delicious thing my friend brought to my house for MY potluck. It was really disappointing. So I scooped up some hummus and tabouleh and that was pretty good, especially mixing it with the small pile of veggies on my plate, but it just didn’t feel like… enough.

Then, the damn event went on for like two hours too long and I was sooooo bored and tired and ready to go home (none of my other parent friends showed up to this event – they were SMART!!) but I was sort of held hostage because you weren’t supposed to leave until after the auction slips were tallied up. Everyone was supposed to pay on the spot and bring their items home. I sat in a corner for a long time and watched the hosts’ enormous tortoise. I texted everyone I knew on my phone. I played some dumb phone games. I almost fell asleep.  But then I was really agitated and you know that’s not good. I got up and drank about five cups of coffee. (decaf) They were tiny little delicate cups, so it was probably equal to two coffee mugs’ full. Then I started pacing and noshing a bit. A little cheese. A little more hummus. Finally, I charged upstairs and saw that the entire auction was being tallied BY HAND on pieces of paper by these two women. Every other school auction I have attended was organized super efficiently using auction software on a COMPUTER. This was a… disaster. They were able to find my stuff and tell me how much to pay and then I took off. But what a mess.

Things I learned last night:

  • don’t go to things unless you are sure that people you like will be there.
  • make sure there is a viable escape route.
  • If you bring something healthy and good to eat, don’t hesitate – eat it right away!
  • don’t worry about being nice or doing things the “right way” – if it’s time to go, just GO. They would have dealt with it, and it wasn’t like there was an armed guard at the door.

All said, it wasn’t a complete disaster, it just wasn’t as successful as it could’ve been.

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Caution: Potluck Ahead

I’m going to a potluck dinner for the parents at my kids’ school tonight. Just a few months ago, this would have been a Very Dangerous Situation for me.  Some kind of fluorescent green light would go on inside my head, and I would spend the evening circling the table and eating everything in sight, especially high carb or rich things. It was as if entrance to a potluck or buffet was a giant permission slip to eat eat eat eat. During the event, I’d feel like a little kid in a candy store, “getting away with” something decadent, and afterward, well – I probably don’t need to explain how I felt afterward. BAD. Sad, maybe a little defiant, definitely somewhat sick, discouraged and just… yuck.

I feel like I had my “special treat” last night. Just this afternoon, I went to a friend’s book publication party. I arrived just before the toast. The hostess was handing out glasses with “cider or champagne?” I really didn’t want either. Didn’t want the sugar in the cider nor the alcohol in the champagne. I slipped around her to the table and was glad to see a bottle of sparkling water and a big bowl of nice cut lime wedges! I think sparkling water is OK, but with a little fresh lemon or lime juice, it’s great. So I was happy to find that and to have something perfect to raise for the toast.  People kept pointing at the plate of homemade cookies but I just had a little piece of cheese and was A-OK.

So for the potluck dinner tonight: I thought it would be good to bring something healthy to eat. I decided on this great strawberry-feta salad which I think somebody brought to MY house for a potluck a few weeks ago.  I thought, I could always eat that. But do I want to just eat salad and not have anything warm and substantial for dinner? No I do not. So then I got the brilliant idea to make a huge pan of roasted vegetables. Roasted vegetables are so beautiful, luscious and comforting.  I got a bunch of red, yellow and orange bell peppers, some Japanese eggplant, butternut squash, red onion, carrot.

I feel very happy and prepared as I head off to this event tonight, and safe in the knowledge that I will have really good things to eat.

I can’t tell you what a change this is from just a short eight weeks ago.

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Shrinking

My stomach is really shrinking. Or maybe I am just paying much more attention to its fullness level. They say that your stomach is roughly the size of your fist, but it can stretch to much more that size if you stuf it full, kind of like a stuff sack for a sleeping bag. (ugh)

I was so so hungry and wasn’t able to eat lunch today until 3:30. I had a chicken breast (out of a sandwich, didn’t eat the bread) and about a cup of fruit salad. And then I felt stuffed. That is so so so so not my norm I can’t even say, but I am eating slowly and trying to pay attention to bodily sensations.

Last night after having an extremely modest early dinner (grilled eggplant appetizer plus some cold tofu, at a Japanese restaurant) I did a reading at a bookstore and met up with an old friend. She hadn’t eaten dinner so we went out fo 2nd dinner at this Middle Eastern place. I was intending to eat just a taste, but everything was so so so good. Various eggplant spreads (yes, I LOVE eggplant), and this amazing roasted feta cheese with tomatoes and olives. It was crazy good. I didn’t stuff myself, but it was more than a “taste.” This was my first “overage” experience this trip. I also didn’t eat any bread with all the dips. Guess what? Dips taste delicious even without something to dip them in!!

Now I’m hitting the road to go see my daughter. I am happy.

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Dagnabbit.

Another @*#&! learning experience!

I was doing SO WELL this weekend! Until last night, my small downfall, but still, at this point, small things can undo me. So, I planned a potluck dinner with some great women friends. I was so excited. I made a beautiful healthy fibery Greek lentil soup (with lemon and rosemary). Everyone who brought food brought SUPER healthy stuff; vegan dishes, salads, etc. Which is what “confused” me. If people had brought huge pans of lasagne, or cakes and whatnot, I would have stayed away with a ten-foot pole, but the healthy food was so delicious looking that I ended up filling my plate too full. I was not attending to portion control because I was so excited and happy to be with all of these women. I ate too much. THEN, when people were having dessert (which I did not touch), I went back and had another 1/2 bowl of soup as “my dessert.” What was that about? I was already full! But I guess I wanted to have something when everyon else was eating chocolate brownies and pound cake and biscotti.

I felt fuller than I had in a long time. Bleah.

And this morning, I was up .8 lb. Not a huge amount, but damnit I wanted to keep going DOWN DOWN, and I could’ve if I’d kept my wits about me last night.

So I’ve brought my lunch to work and have it all carefully planned out.

Another (ouch) learning experience.

Take home lesson: Just because it’s “healthy” doesn’t mean you can eat a ton of it. DUH.

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Buffet: Learning From Mistakes

I made a bunch of ’em today, mistakes that is. I started out pretty well. I knew that I was going on a boat all day that included a lunch buffet. I took myself out to breakfast (I am on vacation, remember, so it’s hard to cook here) and got a really good spinach/olive/onion omelet. And only ate half. I didn’t want to let myself get too hungry because I had no idea or control what was going to be on the buffet, and I didn’t want to be in a situation where I’d be starving and just eat everything.

So the lunch buffet opened on the boat. (we were whale-watching) I had just done an hour of snorkeling which I would guess would be equivalent to about 20 minutes of stairmaster or elliptical. It was tough flippering through rough waters! I was pretty hungry.

The buffet had some yummy pulled pork, some grilled teriyaki chicken, rice, white rolls, macaroni salad, and a full bar of complimentary alcoholic drinks. I remembered that my book said that one of the key “sabotaging thoughts” or things that allow us to overeat is, “It’s free.” No, not really free, because we already paid an arm and a leg to COME on the boat.

It was easy to pass up the alcohol. I’d already made that decision, and the drinks looked not so great. That was easy. Ditto on the rice and rolls. I took a bunch of pork, and some chicken. Then (WHY WHY WHY?) I also scooped up a bit, maybe 1/4 cup max, of the macaroni salad. I am still trying to break down that moment. I have not had simple carbs since the day I started this blog.

I took my plate and ate the pork. It was delicious. Then the chicken. I thought for  a second, wouldn’t it be great if I just threw away the plate with the macaroni on it? YES, it would have been awesome! I would have felt so proud of myself! But I did not. When everything else on the plate was gone, I took a little bite of the macaroni. It was gooooood. Then I ate it all.

Then I went back and got 2nds on the pork and a little bit of chicken. Then I circled the boat and did it AGAIN. (I did not get any more macaraoni either time though) And then I felt mad and pissed off and disappointed and too full for the rest of the afternoon. I mulled it over and over.

It had something to do with this buffet mentality.

I think it also had something to do with the fact that my husband was not on the boat. If he had been, there is NO WAY I would have had thirds.  I mean just no way. I wouldn’t have even had seconds.  So I have to admit that part of what was going on was some sort of “getting away with it” thinking which just made me feel like CRAP.

Sometimes I make him out in my head to be the Food Police, and then I rebel against him. But it’s all imaginary nonsense.  I have to be my OWN Food police, or really Food Angel, doing right by myself. Because “getting away with it” did not feel like getting away with anything except feeling terrible.

Someone near and dear to me asked me, “Was it worth it?” and the answer is an unequivocal great, big NO. No, a thousand times no. And may I learn from that.

Guess what, we went to a buffet for dinner too!! Agh. But this was easier. I was ready. I was dying of thirst because I’d ingested a ton of salt water on the ocean. I had three HUGE glasses of ice water, a cup of tomato soup (good) and a salad. I tried some fish and some chicken, but I didn’t like them so I left them after one bite. Still, I was sloshing full by the time we left. I think it was all the water.

I am not going to another buffet if I can help it, for a year. Or more.

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