food

Over the River and Up the Mountain

I have always had this very vivid image of my weight-loss efforts over the years. I recently tried to draw it but the drawing looked so bad I will have to stick with a verbal description. (can’t draw with a trackpad to save my life!!)

I call it the River. For as long as I can remember (at least in my adult life) I have been on one side of the river, or the other. One side (I’ll call it The Banks of Unconscious Eating!) is where I defiantly stayed for long periods of my life. When I was on that side, I’d eat whatever, whenever and how much I felt like. Often very high caloric, fat and carb-y foods. (think: macaroni and cheese in huge quantities) I’d exercise fairly minimally. I’d thumb my nose at “dieters” and think they were super anal control freaks. I’d feel disdain for people who were “obsessed with exercise.” And, I’d be (surprise?) overweight and fairly unhappy. But really believing that I was “free” because I was not being oppressed by counting calories, depriving myself or flogging myself to exercise. You get the picture. During the periods when I was on that side of the river, I’d look at the Other side and feel anxiety, anger, fear, disgust, whatever. I was firmly entrenched.

At other times in my life, I’d be on the Dieting side of the river. On that side, I felt fairly rigid, usually counted calories or points, was fairly tense. I exercised whether I liked it or not. I steeled myself with “willpower.” I lost weight, but it was exhausting and I could never ever get to my actual goal weight and never maintain it for very long. I was (maybe) happier but also very tense. And when I was on THIS side of the river, I felt disgust and fear and shame about the OTHER side. (ie, “you fat slob,” I never want to be like you again!!)

Sometimes I’d thrash back and forth from one side to the other, in the space of days. Often I’d be on the dieting side for 4-5 days of a week, then after my Weight Watchers weigh-in day, I’d fling myself to the “unconscious” side by giving myself a “treat” day.

The truly remarkable thing about this time around is that I feel like I’m not even near the river anymore. I feel like I’ve gone from a short period on the Dieting Side, where I was very anxious (see January posts) but somehow I kept going, away from the river. I crossed a field. I got to the foot of a mountain. I feel like I am miles away and above where I’ve ever been before.

Even though I feel like that Unconscious side is so far away, when I look down it from here, I don’t feel disgusted or afraid of going there anymore. I feel a lot of compassion and love for all the suffering that happened when I was over there. It makes me sad. And I don’t feel tense OR self-righteous or anything about where I am now. It’s easy to be here. I have these small moments (like longing for carrot cake when I was in Trader Joe’s) but they sort of pass, like clouds. (do you see the influence of my meditation class kicking in?) As my meditation teacher says, “You can notice the train going by. You don’t have to hop on that train and let it take you for a ride.” (okay, HOW many metaphors am I going to use in this post??)

I truly feel like I am geographically, physically, emotionally, in a place where I have never, ever been before. It’s not without its challenges at ALL, but I feel like I’ve moved far away from the banks of that river where I was always feeling battered, conflicted, cold, wet.

April 29, 2009 9

The “Eat Without Guilt” Process

I’ve referred to Dinneen Diette and her “Eat Without Guilt” approach before, but was never really able to articulate what her approach was exactly, or why it worked. She just wrote this article for her newsletter which pretty much sums it up. This is exactly what my problem was before, and exactly how it ended up changing, and pretty much exactly how I’ve experienced that past several months. I’m sharing her article here because I really did not think, back in January, that any of this was possible. (my comments in red!) When she said that she ate brie and croissants, I felt like she had to be lying, but now… I get it. Thank you, Dinneen!

How a Shift Towards Food Can Create a Shift on the Scale
by Dinneen Diette

A few years ago I had a major shift in the way I thought about food and eating, and it has improved my health and waistline ever since.

In a snapshot, this is how I used to view food:

I associated unhealthy food with pleasure and healthy foods with pain. Yes!! Totally!!

You see, when I was eating healthy food, the whole time I’d be wishing I could be eating a hamburger and fries instead. I’d be thinking about how tasty and juicy it would be, and how THAT was what I wanted, not the salad. Exactly. Salad felt like the “healthy” but less wonderful choice.

And then I’d want some ice cream, and not some fruit for dessert. Yup!!

The Reward Factor

Think about it. Often we ‘reward’ ourselves with something like chocolate or ice cream when we’ve ‘been good’ or ‘deserved a break’ where the salad feels like a punishment. We think “I have to eat this salad to stay thin” and anything remotely guilty becomes something that’s a reward for being good.

We often learn this as children. Remember your parents saying you could have the cake after you finished your dinner? Or if you were quiet in the store Mom said she’d buy you a treat or take you to a burger place or to the ice cream shop? Not only do I remember this (over and over and over) as a child, I am also guilty of doing this as a parent. I’m sorry, girls. REALLY.

So even at a young age we learned that these foods were treats and something we got if we were “good.”

The Stress Factor

When I got older, after a busy day at work I’d come come tired and stressed and would reward myself with junk food, comfort food or a treat. It was almost like a medication, I used it to make myself feel good. Is this sounding familiar to anybody??

The Chore Factor

But this is a problem. If you associate unhealthy foods with pleasure and healthy foods with pain, then eating right will always be difficult. Mentally, you’re telling yourself that eating healthy food is a burden or chore, so what do you expect? Eventually you will lose the battle as we all want to feel good. (emphasis mine)

The Pleasure Principle

When I lived in France, I saw how they took such pleasure in all foods. Eating foods, even healthy ones, became something that I enjoyed, instead of dreading.

And there wasn’t a focus on good foods or bad foods. They do eat a lot of healthy foods, but they look at them as something that nourishes and does the body good. Things like sweets and desserts were looked upon as something to be enjoyed for a special occasion, like a dinner with friends. Not something to be used to soothe. (again, my emphasis. What a concept!!!!!)

They don’t use food so much for comfort either. It’s nourishment and something that gives us energy and vitality.

Shifting My Mindset Towards Food

So I slowly shifted my mindset. The way I eat now is:

All foods are okay, but healthy foods make me FEEL better in the long-run.

I get pleasure out of all foods, even healthy ones. And I don’t look at any food as punishment or pain anymore.

You see, once I started eating better and healthier foods, I started to feel better. I remember one day I went to have a burger and fries (I wanted a taste of home!). Though in the moment I felt good, afterwards I felt stuffed and uncomfortable. Then all afternoon I was tired and not effective in getting any work done. I just wanted to sit in front of the TV and do nothing.

And this would happen over and over. I started to notice how these once pleasurable foods were making me feel like crap. I never noticed this BEFORE because I was *always* eating unhealthy foods, so I always felt like crap! and that felt normal.

So I slowly started to eat better and started to see that the healthy foods WERE actually making me feel better! AMAZING!!!

Same With Exercise

Just like exercise. When you first start, it becomes such a drag. I can’t even describe how painful and dreaded exercise was – for YEARS – even when I had a trainer! It was soooo hard for me. Like you “have to” get out there and walk. But then every week you find you can walk longer, then faster, and before you know it you start looking forward to the exercise (yes, that DOES happen). And that has finally, finally happened for me, too! Yay for endorphins!!! You find your body feeling better and enjoying it. Often when people start to exercise regularly, they wonder why they didn’t do it earlier. The key word there is “regularly.” I don’t think I did it often enough to get any benefits before, just the aches of it.

Ditto for Food

Same with food. The more I ate better, the better I felt. So I started to gravitate towards the healthier foods as I knew it would give me energy and that extra boost to get through the day. No longer did I have those afternoon crashes. And I was so much more productive at work that I found myself having more free time. YES! YES! YES!! (well, I don’t know about the “free time” part…)

There’s Room for All

Now this doesn’t mean I never eat unhealthy foods. I have found there’s a place for all foods in life. It’s about how much and how often I eat them. This is what I love about this approach. It is so… pleasurable and unpunishing and unjudgmental. As I know that healthier foods will make me feel better, I naturally turn to them more often. Yes!

So instead of using food to make you feel better, use it as a way to get energy and you’ll see dramatic changes in your health and waistline (and the scale!) over time.

Change your mindset, and you’ll start to see a shift….everywhere. You said it, Dinneen. Thank you so so much.

© 2009, Dinneen Diette. All Rights Reserved.

—————
Dinneen Diette is founder of Eat Without Guilt.com, a speaker, and contributor to various online health & wellness magazines, newsletters and websites. She helps and guides you to attain the dream of a slimmer, sexier and healthier you! To receive her easy tips, action steps, how-to articles and Special Report for FREE, visit www.EatWithoutGuilt.com.

April 27, 2009 4

Watch Out What You Wish For…

All my adult life, I’ve wished – I mean desperately wished….

that I could enjoy exercise.
that I could be satisfied with small portions of food
that I could deal with hard emotional times without diving into high-carb comfort/smother foods
that I could truly CHOOSE healthier options, and feel good about it
that I could run again
that I could lose weight without feeling deprived
that I could feel the benefits of meditation
that I could develop a meaningful spiritual life

Well, guess what. It looks like I’ve gotten all those things – for now, anyway. I have to say I’m sort of stunned. Because just a few months ago I would not have believed that even ONE of these things were even remotely possible.

All of these statements are now true.
AND… I’ve got diabetes.

Is that the tradeoff? Or was it diabetes that allowed me to finally wake up and have these things I always wanted?

It’s like a zen koan. It’s actually too incomprehensible for words. I wonder what I would have said, if I’d climbed to the guru on the top of the mountain, please let me have these things, and he said, “OK, but you also have to have diabetes.” What would I have said? What would I have chosen?

Several people have remarked to me that I am doing an amazing job dealing with my diabetes. But I really feel like, what choice do I have? That’s how I feel now. I feel like there is no option but to be as healthy as I can be.

But I didn’t feel like this before, when I was way overweight, when I had high blood pressure, when I was inactive. Those things didn’t scare me and didn’t cause me to change anything. If anything they made things worse. It was the diabetes that woke me up.

Funny how life is.

April 21, 2009 14

Dieters Make Me Nervous

Last night I was eating out with a bunch of parents with my kid’s sports team. We were at a huge pasta feed in prep for today’s race, that had been prepaid (ie the menu was set). It was penne pasta in an amazingly delicious homemade marinara. Plus a salad with oil and vinegar.

Now I’m not any big pasta eater anymore, mostly bc my diabetes doesn’t tolerate it very well. But I took about half cup worth and a bunch of salad. Three of the women at my table were not eating ANYthing. I was wondering if they were shunning the salad because… it had oil in the dressing? They ordered off the menu and asked for a plate of grilled vegetables. In came a big plate of steamed carrots and broccoli, and then some grilled veggies. While they were delicious, I was like.. this is too much. I could almost palpably feel the anxiety of these (thin) women who didn’t want to eat anything.

After dinner I felt myself ravenously hungry for the first time in a very long time. Being around these women had made me SO nervous and wanting to eat, just out of being in proximity to them. Sitting with them made me want to order a huge plate of lasagne. I felt myself getting angry (at what, I am not sure) and I was completely off my “center.” It took several hours to settle down, during which time I didn’t eat, but I sure wanted to.

I had the feeling that they were doing the exact opposite of intuitive eating. It was like “fear eating” and I could smell the fear.

April 18, 2009 13

Sugar Coma

I used to be one of those people who honestly believed that food did not affect how I felt. I thought that people who really felt that food affected their physical selves (other than, like, stuffing themselves on Thanksgiving) were kind of neurotic and somehow making it up.

I am sooooo not that person anymore. Yesterday I had to take a glucose tolerance test in preparation for my endocrinologist appointment tomorrow. I’ve been putting this off for weeks, and yesterday was the last possible day. So I went into the lab on an empty stomach, got my fasting blood sugar drawn, then proceeded to drink a bottle of orange syrup. I tried not to think about it too much but it was pretty awful. Luckily, I kept it down (have not always in the past). Then I went to a waiting room to sit and wait for an hour, get my blood drawn again, wait another hour, get it drawn again.

I didn’t feel so bad while I was there. I had my computer, and free Wi-Fi, and I kept myself fairly amused while I waited. But then I tried to go to work. And then I tried to go to my trainer to workout. NO.

I was a total space cadet at work, even for a brief few hours. I couldn’t think. I went to the gym and said, “All you’re gonna get out of me is an hour of Dead Man’s Pose.” He laughed. I did a bunch of stretching and some verrrrrrry gentle conditioning stuff. I felt totally dizzy and ill.

I felt as if I did not get some protein in me, namely a turkey sandwich, I would die. I went to the little sandwich shop near my house and inhaled a turkey and cheese sandwich. (no, it was not slow eating by any stretch) It didn’t really help.

Went home. Passed out for several hours. Didn’t really feel capable of preparing or eating dinner. Told my family “you’re on your own.” (we call this YOYO dinner) They scraped something together. I slept. Much later, I got up, had a bowl of tomato soup, put on my jammies and watched Rachel Getting Married. (which, by the way, I LOVED on so many levels) But I was hopeless. Completely hopeless and helpless all evening. I couldn’t wait to go to bed and have it be over.

So yeah. This was the worst case of postprandial fatigue I’d ever experienced. This was taking “sleepiness after lunch” to extreme degrees. It was the first time I’d ingested so much sugar since January- I’d had one piece of lemon tart, and a piece of birthday cake, but those were smaller amounts of sugar on a full stomach. This was a huge quantity of glucose on an empty stomach. IT KILLED ME. I haven’t felt this bad unless I’ve been really, really ill.

I’m worried that my severe reaction means that maybe in spite of everything, I do have diabetes. But maybe not. I really have no idea. I guess I’ll find out tomorrow.

I feel one thousand percent better today. So, the lesson for the week is, yes, the food I eat DOES affect how I feel. I feel like I don’t want to eat carbs or sugar for a very, very long time.

March 31, 2009 7

Whoa: Slooooow Down, Nelly!!

I’m sitting in the hospital lab, on the 2nd hour of my glucose tolerance test. I’m very happy that I have a nice waiting room with free Wi-Fi in which to pass the time. The glucose drink was nasty but not as awful as I’d remembered. I survived it.

I thought I’d review some parts of the Beck Diet Solution book that I was raving about so much when I first started. I haven’t looked at it much lately, and thought it would be worthwhile.

One thing I have just not gotten really good at is eating slowly, which hinders my ability to guage my fullness etc. I just happened to open to the “Eat Slowly” chapter in the Beck book. Which is a good thing.

When the relatives were here for that nice dinner over the weekend, I noticed that my husband and I both finished our plates WAYYYY before his cousin and her husband. I kept staring at her, wondering, how does she do that? I just got used to absolutely snarfing down my food at some point (maybe when the kids were little??) and haven’t been able to break that habit. But here are the things that Beck suggests to help with this issue. I’m going to give it a shot.

Change something in your eating environment: cloth napkins instead of paper, a little vase of flowers, different colored plates, whatever. Every time you notice that changed thing, think to yourself, Oh yeah, I’m supposed to be eating more slowly.

Set a timer to beep every 1-3 minutes. Every time it beeps, put down your tableware and count to 10. When you pick the fork or spoon up again, remind self to eat slowly. (note: I can bet that one minute will seem as long as the 60 seconds I’m running during Couch to 5k!!)

Take a sip of water after every bite.

Eat something very hot, like soup. Which will force you to slow down.

Pay attention to bodily sensations. Notice sensations of fullness

Look at the clock. Notice what time it is when dinner begins and ends. Try and stretch that time out by a few minuets every meal.

I’ve noticed that we can usually polish off dinner in less than 10 minutes, usually an average of six. That’s probably really bad. We are Hoovers! I know I need to make a conscious effort to try all of these exercises because I know that the speed of my eating has really caused me to gain weight.

March 30, 2009 5

Beautiful Guiltfree Dinner

I soooo enjoyed my dinner last night. We had company over – my husband’s cousin and her hubby – they are wonderful people, and I was really looking forward to hanging out with them. I decided to make our family favorite teriyaki/wasabi salmon, this asparagus and brown/wild rice salad someone pointed out to me on Twitter (I love Twitter! It’s like a recipe box at your fingertips!), a big mache salad with avocados and feta, and a lemon tart with real whipped cream. YAY. Oh, and they brought some amazing wine they’d procured during their weeklong trip through Napa.

I didn’t worry about the points or calories of any of these items. I had had a good run/walk in the morning. I had gone to Weight Watchers and had lost 2.6 lbs since last week. I knew that everything I was eating was super healthy (except maybe the lemon tart!).

I enjoyed every single bite of my dinner. I didn’t overeat, I didn’t obsess over “going over” (which, had I counted, I probably did) I know that today I’m doing another Couch to 5k AND I’m going to be rowing in a “parent row” for my daughter’s crew team. THAT should be interesting!! And I’m going to resume my regular good eating today. It’s all good.

Is it possible that I’ll gain weight from this one dinner, at the end of this week? Somehow I really don’t think so.

March 29, 2009 1

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