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Happy Snoopy Dance Numbers!

and no, it’s not on the scale.  Lab test results!!

Fasting blood glucose was a looooovely 93 but that was not a huge surprise since I’ve been testing my own every morning.

Cholesterols were good, not hugely changed.

But my triglycerides! My triglycerides! You might ask,

What are triglycerides?

Triglycerides are the chemical form in which most fat exists in food as well as in the body. They’re also present in blood plasma and, in association with cholesterol, form the plasma lipids.

Triglycerides in plasma are derived from fats eaten in foods or made in the body from other energy sources like carbohydrates. Calories ingested in a meal and not used immediately by tissues are converted to triglycerides and transported to fat cells to be stored. Hormones regulate the release of triglycerides from fat tissue so they meet the body’s needs for energy between meals.

How is an excess of triglycerides harmful?

Excess triglycerides in plasma is called hypertriglyceridemia. It’s linked to the occurrence of coronary artery disease in some people. Elevated triglycerides may be a consequence of other disease, such as untreated diabetes mellitus. Like cholesterol, increases in triglyceride levels can be detected by plasma measurements. These measurements should be made after an overnight food and alcohol fast.

The National Cholesterol Education Program guidelines for triglycerides are:

Normal Less than 150 mg/dL
Borderline-high 150 to 199 mg/dL
High 200 to 499 mg/dL
Very high 500 mg/dL or higher

So, in January my triglycerides were 215 (ie HIGH). Today they are…… 97!!!!!!!!!! YAY YAY YAY YAY!
1

Watch Out What You Wish For…

All my adult life, I’ve wished – I mean desperately wished….

  • that I could enjoy exercise.
  • that I could be satisfied with small portions of food
  • that I could deal with hard emotional times without diving into high-carb comfort/smother foods
  • that I could truly CHOOSE healthier options, and feel good about it
  • that I could run again
  • that I could lose weight without feeling deprived
  • that I could feel the benefits of meditation
  • that I could develop a meaningful spiritual life

Well, guess what. It looks like I’ve gotten all those things – for now, anyway. I have to say I’m sort of stunned. Because just a few months ago I would not have believed that even ONE of these things were even remotely possible.

All of these statements are now true.
AND… I’ve got diabetes.

Is that the tradeoff? Or was it diabetes that allowed me to finally wake up and have these things I always wanted?

It’s like a zen koan. It’s actually too incomprehensible for words.  I wonder what I would have said, if I’d climbed to the guru on the top of the mountain, please let me have these things, and he said, “OK, but you also have to have diabetes.” What would I have said? What would I have chosen?

Several people have remarked to me that I am doing an amazing job dealing with my diabetes. But I really feel like, what choice do I have? That’s how I feel now. I feel like there is no option but to be as healthy as I can be.

But I didn’t feel like this before, when I was way overweight, when I had high blood pressure, when I was inactive. Those things didn’t scare me and didn’t cause me to change anything. If anything they made things worse. It was the diabetes that woke me up.

Funny how life is.

14

foodbodyheartmind

Last night I went to the second session of my meditation class. I love this class so much. I have gone to several meditation classes and retreats before, and always ended up feeling like it wasn’t for me, or I wasn’t doing it right, or something. It didn’t fully click somehow. But this class, and this teacher, clicked from the moment I walked in the door.  I love this place in downtown Oakland. The teacher fills me with a sense of calm. Her voice is just amazingly soothing, reassuring, peaceful. The sound of the bell at the end of the meditation is one of the most beautiful sounds I have ever heard.

Last week, when I went for the first time, it was a Monday night, the night before I went to my first diabetes class and started using my blood glucometer. I was wound up tighter than a spring. I was anxious, distraught, grieving the loss of my innocent health, and just a wreck. But I knew that I needed this. I knew that stress is one thing that has a definite affect on blood glucose levels.  It also has an effect on weight loss – if you’re stressed out, your cortisol levels rise, and that makes  you gain weight, or unable to lose it. So I felt like coming to this meditation class and learning how to de-stress was as important as taking my medication or exercising.

I loved it pretty much immediately.  Sitting there, I felt like my heart was breaking and I was just opening up in all directions. I felt like I had found an absolutely essential little sanctuary in time and place.  I needed it.

Last night the teacher opened with this poem by the poet Kabir, and that was it – I started tearing up right away.

You know the sprout is hidden inside the seed

We are all struggling; none of us has gone far.

Let your arrogance go, and look around inside

The blue sky opens out farther and farther

The daily sense of failure goes away

The damage I have done to myself fades

A million suns come forward with light

When I sit firmly in that world.

Whoo. Right? That line – the damage I have done to myself fades – just made my heart start pounding. The damage I have done. I really feel that now, the years that I overate and didn’t take care of myself.  The tendency to want to blame and punish myself for getting to the point of having diabetes.  It makes me want to howl sometimes. But then that other word – fades – is also true. It’s fading. With every thing I do to be good to myself, it fades. But wow, it is there.

The thing that I love about this meditation class is that it is all about love and compassion. Because I think truly that that is the key for me, it is the ONLY WAY out. Because when I was eating more than I needed, for so many years, it was because I was chasing love (in all the wrong places), I was hurt and rejected-feeling and all the food in the world couldn’t make that go away (although believe me I tried). And so while counting calories and points and exercising is all good and important, I don’t think there’s a shadow of a chance it can work unless I find a way to live with more love and compassion, for myself and for others.

7

Rebirth

Easter is my favorite holiday, ever. Hands down. I am not a regular church going person, but something about the story of Jesus’ suffering, death and resurrection does not fail to move me. I used to go to a Unitarian church and when they told this story it was just so universal and moving.

A friend once told me (very insightfully) that they would notice me “going down” in the fall, sort of falling into a dark place, maybe a little down, but that I never failed to experience this rebirth in the spring, right around Easter. So this weekend was very moving for me – I had just received this diabetes diagnosis, and part of me was so freaked out and sad and worried that Life As I Knew It was really over. It was truly like a little death in many ways, death of a kind of life I had become so used to.

I planned out this huge Easter brunch feast for today. I am normally all about the potluck, and having friends bring dishes, but today I was determined to DO IT ALL myself. I made a marmalade glazed ham, a poached salmon with cucumber dill sauce, scalloped potatoes, an asparagus quiche, a spinache quiche, a caramelized onion, sage and goat cheese frittata, a brown/wild rice & asparagus salad, a green salad, hot cross buns and Easter bread.  For dessert there was a raspberry swirl cheesecake, a fruit tart, a raspberry tart and strawberry shortcake. (we had a lot of people over!!)

It was probably over the top. Although I have to say we do not have a lot of leftovers!! I think I had something to prove to myself. That I could still celebrate and enjoy life. That I could make certain dishes and be okay with not eating them, or eating them in small amounts.  And a lot of other things I’m probably not even conscious of.

I was so happy at the table with everyone enjoying it so much. I had some ham (the inside part, without the marmalade), frittata (“quiche without the crust”), salad and salmon. It was so delicious. I felt completely satisfied and happy. After brunch we took a lovely walk in the park nearby, before dessert.  It was the most beautiful sunny day. After the walk I tested my blood and it was a very nice 110, AFTER DINNER.  I allowed a tiny sliver of cheescake, some coffee and strawberries with whipped cream. All SO GOOD.

I’m feeling very emotional now. Feeling like, this is possible. I can still have my life. And more.

6

More Numbers to Obsess Over

As if the scale weren’t bad enough, jumping on and off every day, the blood glucose meter is worse.  The thing is, if you’re getting too obsessive with the scale, they tell you to only weigh in every week, or every month or never. They NEVER recommend doing that for diabetics.  You’re supposed to test at least 3, if not 5-6x per day. But those little strips are EXPENSIVE – like $1 each! So I’m trying to conserve and also not get too obsessive over it. BUT.

It started all all good on Tuesday at the diabetes class. I had stellar numbers! I was so proud!! But then on Thursday they started getting wonky, kind of elevated, and I didn’t know why.

They’re still elevated. I don’t know why, and I don’t know what to do about it. Apparently there is something called a “dawn phenomenon” and sometimes you just wake up with inexplicably high numbers.

Apparently your glucose level can also rise when there is physical or emotional stress, and I think I’ve had some sort of cold or virus the past few days and haven’t been feeling well. I thought I was better this morning and had a really good couch-to-5k run, but … I don’t know.

It’s frustrating and a little scary because often if the scale shows me numbers I don’t like, I pretty much know why, and I also have a pretty good idea what I need to do in order to show an improvement. But with this little machine, I don’t understand it, or my body’s responses, well enough yet. Why did I have great numbers Tuesday and Wednesday, and then they have steadily worsened since Thursday. Wahh! I don’t like this!! I don’t know what to do.

Meanwhile, the scale continues to be my friend (thank you scale!).  I got my 10# sticker at Weight Watchers this morning. Still contemplating quitting though.

1

Thinking of Quitting…

Weight Watchers, that is. I realize that the high point of my attending meetings is getting on the scale and getting my little star sticker or whatever. I’m about 6 lbs away from my 10% goal AT WW (I already reached my at-home 10% and more) and for that I will get … a key ring!! OH BOY!!

The little “class” part of the meeting is not particularly inspiring me. I feel like I can get 100% better tips and ideas just by reading the blogs on my blogroll, and following people on Twitter. (my Tweet people are GREAT at inspiring!) And I’m feeling like probably 70% of the people at WW are SO not into it, are just coming back week after week because they don’t know what else to do. The level of conversation at these meetings feels like it is so dumbed-down that it’s frustrating.

I’m not counting points anymore. If anything, I’m counting carbs and watching my blood glucose meter, and I’m still losing weight. So that’s not particularly useful for me right now either.

Even at the discounted rate, it’s $9/week. Couldn’t I find something better to do with $36/month? I think so. Like – how about some new clothes?? 🙂

I’ll probably go to the meeting tomorrow (why? Because I’m anticipating reaching my 10-lb mark there and I want my sticker, dammit!). 🙂  But then I’m going to seriously consider stopping.

I’ve joined WW many times in the past before. And I’ve quit many times, too – because I’ve gained weight, given up and thrown in the towel. That isn’t what this is about this time – I’m not giving up on losing weight or my health in any way – I’m maybe giving up on something that I’m not sure has anything to offer me anymore.

Just thinkin’ on it right now.

9

Star Student at Diabetes School!

Today I took my first class at the Diabetes Center. I have to say, it was really hard to wait for this because while I had the knowledge of my diagnosis, and I had started medication, I had NO IDEA what was going on in my body and it was all a bit crazy-making. I also was having these weird grief reactions while walking through the grocery store this weekend: omg CRACKERS (never again!!), ICE CREAM (never again!!!!!!!!) etc etc and just sort of flipping out but not really knowing why.

So finally I got to get some reality which I was sorely needing.

First, though: I got to the place and I was BY FAR the youngest person in the room. Most of the other attendees were 20 or 30 years older than me and looked pretty much a lot worse for wear. One woman came in, in a wheelchair, and was a double above-the-knee amputee. That was… sobering. I have no idea if this was diabetes related but I have been having nightmares about this for a week.

So we went around the room and were supposed to say our names, what kind of D we had, and when we got diagnosed. I was also the newest “newbie” at less than one week. It was interesting to me how many people got diagnosed 3-6 weeks ago and have not come in until now. (believe me, I took the FIRST POSSIBLE OPENING) Some people have had diabetes for 15+ years. One had had it for 40. I was really agog, like WTH? Really?

One guy sitting next to me said he’d gotten diagnosed 5 years ago, tested for a year or so, but never got a good result on his blood meter, so just gave up on it. Then he had a heart attack, and here he is trying to get back on the wagon again. That pretty much boggled me.

Then there was this woman who was sitting there chugging a bottle of GRAPE JUICE (ahem? and none of the nurses or dieticians said a word!!!) and she was saying how she couldn’t give up fried food because she grew up on it and it was all she was used to. And when the nurse was discussing that the range of blood sugar should be 70-120 she let out this hoot like, “That’s normal people!” and the nurse goes, yes, that’s the range we are aiming for and the woman was like, she aint’ NEVER seen those numbers EVER.

I do not think I could have that job. (teaching the class)

So there was a whole bunch of talk about what is diabetes, blah blah, which I’ve pretty much figured out, and then the all -important WHAT DO WE EAT question, and the diet they were discussing seems to be a lot more food than I am currently eating, and she said it all depends on what your Meter says. And I’m jiggling my knee going, when are we going to get the damn meters?

Two hours later. FINALLY. The meter people come and give out tote bags and a sales pitch for test strips and what-all and I’m like, LET ME TEST MY BLOOD!!!! I was so antsy at this point I was about to start shrieking and stabbing at myself with a plastic fork.  They showed us our cute little meters, and we all plugged in the needles and learned how to lock and load the stabbers, then we DID IT (yeah, I felt it and yeah it hurt for a millisecond) and I closed my eyes when I heard the beep just praying for something good, and it was…. 85!

EIGHTY-FIVE!!! WHICH IS WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE GET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was like, woo hoo, under my breath. Because everyone else was getting 106, 127, 135, 178, etc etc and I was SO HAPPY and relieved because that means that my Metformin is working! I haven’t had a reading of less than 100 EVER.  So I was very, very happy. And the nurse went around collecting our numbers and I said ’85’ and she had to look at my meter to be sure I wasn’t making it up. Ya the hoo!!

Then I went home and had lunch. (whole wheat English muffin with cheddar cheese, in case you’re interested) I came to work. After about an hour, I tested again and it was…. 109!!!!!! Which is freaking fa-bu-los-a!!

Thank you Metformin. Thank you exercise. Thank you blood glucose meter for letting me know that I’m not at death’s door, or on the verge of losing my feet, after all.

I am officially in love with my blood glucose meter now. Because now I feel like I can check it anytime I have a question about ANYTHING, and I can just… see what happens. I’m going to learn stuff. I am actually very, very excited.

14

Trying to Laugh With a Frozen Face

Tonight I went to a solo performance show, featuring four performers who are showcasing their work after a solo performance class that I used to take. It’s great to go to these shows, to check out the new and amazing talent as well as to see old friends and “alums” from the class. It’s truly a fantastic community and one that I dearly love and appreciate.

The show tonight featured two old friends of mine and two “newbies” whom I knew nothing about. I was really anticipating the new stuff.  The third performer opened her act by coming out on stage and whispering, “Shhh……it’s 3 in the morning in a small town in the Midwest. There’s a 13 year old girl in there sleeping, or…?” She morphs into a mother, bending over her daughter’s bed, yelling somewhat hysterically, “HONEY! ARE YOU HAVING A REACTION?!?”

I froze for a moment. Reaction. Reaction. OMG. This was going to be a piece about… could it be? Diabetes. Oh god.

Yes indeedy. It was a piece about diabetes. The actor stepped to the front of the stage to narrate the goings-on. “Yes. I have had diabetes since I was eight years old. I have TYPE ONE diabetes, not to be confused with TYPE TWO diabetes, of which there is an EPIDEMIC these days, because people are running around eating too many Big Macs.”  And then she went on to tell her diabetes life story, getting lots of laughs along the way.

This is when I officially left my body, my back pressed as far back into the seat it would go, and I think I probably missed the next five minutes of the show. I felt attacked, embarrassed, mortified, defensive, shocked.

I’ve only been part of the “diabetes community” for, um… five days now? And in my surfing around on various forums and websites I’ve detected a distinct feeling of animosity and hostility from Diabetes type-1 people toward Diabetes type-2 people. The sentiment seems to be something like, people with type-1 Diabetes are innocent children who did nothing to deserve this terrible fate, while type-2 Diabetes people are obese, sendentary pigs who BROUGHT THIS ON THEMSELVES.

Look. I know that being overweight is a risk factor for developing diabetes. I was overweight for many years (and still am, to a lesser degree). But jeez.

There is so much ignorance and misinformation out there. So of course D1 people feel outraged and indignant when people who Don’t Know Any Better say things like, “you probably ate too many candy bars!” But then to take it out on other people who have diabetes?

Suddenly, I feel tired. And sad.

8

3 Day Limbo

Now I know I have diabetes. But I’m not really doing anything differently until I have my first diabetes education class on Tuesday. I know that I’m going to have to start Testing on that day. (they told me to bring my little blood-testing machine) I know I will survive all that, but sometimes I get overwhelmed with thoughts of having to prick myself and draw my blood X number of times per day, like… for the rest of my life? I’m experiencing these last three days of somewhat ignorant somewhat bliss, my fingertips intact for a little while longer. I have to admit I am feeling some grief over this. But in the midst of this, I’ve also had some incredibly happy times.

The Springsteen concert on Wednesday was awesome. And last night my friend E and I went to the newly-refurbished incredibly beautiful Fox Theater to see… The Moody Blues!!! To say that it was a TRIP is an understatement. I don’t even think I could describe it in a way that would give it justice.  Crazy psychedelic graphics, and hundreds of grey-haired hippies, pulsing flowers and floating clouds, and just… groovy, man. E and I had our mouths gaping in complete disbelief. Also shock that we KNEW 85% of the songs BY HEART even though we had not heard them in probably over 30 years. It was just… trippy.  And way more fun than I’d had in a long time. It felt good to laugh and dance and be goofy.

My Couch-to-5k training continues to go well. This morning I wanted to get in a run/walk before WW and my friend M wasn’t available so I went with my trusty iPod and ended up definitely running more than my 2nd-week workout dictates. I’ve discovered that my PERFECT jogging tempo is to Cat Stevens’ “Wild World.” (la la la la la la) I really felt like I could have kept going a long time. But I had to go to my meeting and…

I lost another pound. That was a good thing. One more to TWENTY! I don’t think I’ve ever lost 20 consecutive pounds before. (just the same ones, over and over) I’ve weighed less than I do now, but after starting out at a lower weight, so I never lost that much.

In spite of the weight loss, I have to say that WW really turned me off today. The leader was talking about food substitutions, you know, to deal with still be able to eat our “old favorites.” And she said her favorite, most awesome thing was a Diet Soda Cake. I was like… wha?????? She said it basically consists of taking a box of cake mix (ie box of chemicals) and switching out the egg and oil for… a can of diet soda!!  So it’s basically nothing but a chemical cake. I’m thinking, could ANYthing be more gross than that??

And it just kind of underscored my feeling about WW really just hawking prepared foods filled with crap. The idea made me wince: a box cake made with DIET SODA? Okay, I’ll stop ranting now. But ugh.

Yesterday I went to visit another friend who is one of the most fashion-savvy people I know. She is my personal “What Not To Wear” consultant. Anyway, she was purging her closets and gave me 2 bags of unbelievably COOL clothes! Including a very adorable Little Black Dress and a cute grey skirt. Now, I have not worn either a dress OR a skirt in probably 15 years, so to try these things on and not be repulsed beyond belief was a milestone that made me incredibly happy. And really nice jeans! And a plaid jacket with A BELT!! It’s probably been 15 years since I’ve worn a belt of any kind, other than a bathrobe one. 🙂

So, I’m carrying on. I’m hanging in there. Part of me is trying on the idea that maybe this diabetes thing could be some bizarre Gift-In-Disguise.  It’s not going to let me off the hook.  Which is what I really need.

6

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