weight

Farewell, Diovan

This week I started feeling all dizzy and lightheaded during my workouts, especially those in which my head was lower than my body. I told my husband about it and he took my blood pressure and it was LOW. LOW!!!!! I have had high blood pressure for what seems like forever, starting with pre-eclampsia during pregnancy in 1989 and then never really resolving. I’ve been on BP medication for a long time.

He suggested that I stop my medication for a few days and see what happens. I was nervous about doing this, but I went ahead and did it and:

I stopped feeling dizzy during exercise, and
my blood pressure stayed NORMAL!

Normal normal normal!! Wooooooooo!! I am as excited about this as I am about losing weight.

Went to Weight Watchers this morning and in spite of a biggish dinner last night (another exuberant potluck) I was down 1.4 lbs from last week. So yay!

March 9, 2009 6

Why Do I Want To Lose Weight?

Along with a friend of mine, I decided to actually write out my specific reasons for wanting to lose weight. I’ve been mulling this in my head for the past month, and it occurs to me that it is very, very different from other times. In the past, I’ve wanted to… just because. But it was very mushy thinking. The only time I was ever really successful with a food plan was when I was pregnant with my daughter and had gestational diabetes. My food intake was impeccable during that period. There was NOTHING I was going to do to put that baby at risk.

So here I am again, only it’s me this time. I’m the one who is at risk. And I’m finding it an excellent, excellent motivator. And here are my Reasons. (not necessarily in order of importance, just as they come into my head)

I don’t want to have diabetes. I don’t want to have to take medication or insulin to keep it under control.
I want to be a healthy role model for my daughters. I feel like I have a lot of karma to work off for the years of being an unhealthy one.
I don’t want my physician husband to have to feel “concerned” about me and my health because I am overweight.
I’d love to be able to randomly order clothes from a catalog or at a store and feel pretty confident that they will fit and/or look good on me.
I want physical activity to feel good, not to feel like torture.
I want to have energy, not feel like a couch potato.
I know I will die someday, but when I do, I want to feel that I did not contribute to my death by having unhealthy habits. I used to have a recurring dread nightmare that I would die of a stroke or heart attack, and when they did an autopsy they would find that my heart was encased in fat like a big butterball. And people would shake their heads and say, She brought this on herself. I want to feel that I truly did all I could do to keep myself healthy.
I feel a lot bouncier overall when I weigh less – physically and emotionally.
I want to find better ways of dealing with my emotions other than eating stuff.
I want to not be disgusted with myself.

The Beck book recommends making multiple copies of your list and keeping it in one’s wallet, coat pocket, computer screen and whatnot.

Can I just say, I love my reasons. I think they are good reasons and I think they will help me get where I want to go. In the past, I had either very nonspecific reasons, or dumb, temporary reasons like “high school reunion.” (did that, 10 years ago, promptly put it all back on right after) I feel like these reasons are going to stay with me for a long time. Or at least that is my hope. They’re not reasons that can “wear off.”

What are your reasons?

March 3, 2009 4

15

🙂

March 3, 2009 1

Lucky 13

It took me forever to break into the 12 lb weight loss but today I almost didn’t notice that I’m now at 13. Hooray for 13!!

March 1, 2009 3

Good Doctor

I had my first visit with my endocrinologist this morning. It was good!! I really like her. She’s very young but super friendly and seems to really know her stuff. She was easy to talk to. She took her time, didn’t seem rushed, let me ask all my questions and was overall just great. YAY!

So, my big question #1: do I have diabetes? The answer was, no, not YET but I am certainly at very high risk. The lab slip shows that I am no in the “diabetic” range but am in the “impaired” range. She gave me big credit for losing 12 lbs (yes! finally cracked that wall!) in the past month, and said that obviously made a big difference. I still have about 16 to go. (at least)

I have to go for an oral glucose tolerance test, which for those of you who have not had the pleasure, is one of the nastiest experiences ever. You have to chug a huge quantity (a quart?) of what is essentially SYRUP and then get your blood tested as you see how your body responds to this mass sugar intake. I am SO not looking forward to it, especially since I have had about zero sugar in the past month (except that teeny slice of chocolate cake) and I know my body is not going to respond in a pretty way. I had to take this test several times while pregnant. Once I chugged too fast, trying to get it over with, you know? and ended up puking it all up and having to START ALL OVER again. I remember sitting down on the floor and just bawling my eyes out. Hopefully it will go better this time – but man, I am not looking forward to it.

But otherwise we had a good chat. She said it was more important to lose the weight than to actually do a diabetic diet at this point, and whatever combination of food plan/exercise/emotional support will get me to the weight loss, that’s the best plan. She did give a shout-out, however, to the Zone Diet and the Mediterranean Diet. I’m going to check out the Zone book.

So that’s the plan. Exercise every day if possible. Continue whatever diet feels the most do-able, but most definitely try to stay away from anything high carb. Check back in five weeks. I am actually very happy to have this five-week appointment because it gives me a target date. I want to have lost weight in five weeks. I want my numbers to be even better.

It took a few minutes for her to come in to the exam room, and while I was waiting I looked at this big DIABETES poster on the wall right next to me. What are the results of untreated Diabetes 2? Heart attack! Stroke! Amputations! Blindness and neurological problems!!! With nice illustrations for each! Oh, boy. Yeah, I do not want these things. I am going to walk/row/pedal my way away from that stuff and fast.

I feel like I’m in a good place right now. I feel like I can do it and it’s not painful.

Oh yeah, I am excited because Biggest Loser is on AGAIN tonight! I’d love it if they could do two one-hour shows every week.

And LOST! And Top Chef!!

February 25, 2009 2

Liveblogging The Biggest Loser

So I have no idea what to expect from TBL tonight. My daughter (who is 2 times zones ahead) texted me and said it was “crazy.” Crazy good, crazy bad, I don’t know. So here goes.

Helen recaps the decision to send Shanon home. She questions herself as a mother. I don’t. Mama, you did the right thing.
Music of doom. Pop challenge: black and blue shirts -the teams are going to reconfigure. I don’t understand Sione’s attachment to Bob. Ooh the winners get to choose trainers. WHO ON EARTH would choose to work with Bob? Psycho yoga man.
Challenge: up and down, 100x in the mud. They love mud wrestling! Kristin will win, ha. 🙂 Kristin FLOPS. I love her! I can tell you these up-down things are damn hard. I’ve done a version of this (sans mud) with my trainer, all the way down and then leaping up. It’s hard. Tara wins. She’s bawling in the mud. I’d be bawling too. Sometimes these exercises are really emotionally draining. I’ve burst into tears more than once after finishing a real killer.
I have to say I really don’t understand the concept of this team thing on this show.
Wow, NOBODY is getting what they want. Sione is such a sad little hangdog.
Sione, Jillian is going to push you a millionx more than Bob. You have no idea how much better this is going to be.
Mikey has a great attitude, and J is pushing him SO MUCH.
Wah wah wah wah. All the guys are crying. Cue the violins!! Now the cheesy vocals. BAD.
Bob, be a man. Be a professional.
STOP WHINING PEOPLE! You know, I love my trainer. I adore my trainer. But he needed to take some time off and he handed me off to someone he trusted. (his own trainer) and guess what? Trainer #2 was freaking AWESOME. I learned new great things. It was tremendous.
They’re trying not to laugh their faces off at Jillian’s Ziploc product placement. Hah.
Bike challenge. I would SO FAIL at this!! It’s like “They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?” (about the dance marathons of olden days)
Favorite quotes so far: “My ass is on fire.” “Uh huh, it will go numb, don’t worry.” HA!
Cue the Gladiator music!
Wow. Mandi wants to throw in the towel! BLACK TEAM, SAY NO!
Aw Sione is not a quitter. Blue team is bummmmmmmmed.
“the reason we are all here is that we always quit before, we didn’t finish what we started.” YEAH.
One minute left! This is very exciting. Ha, Helen’s still going even though they counted to zero.
GO BLACK TEAM. Yeahhhh…
I love how the two teams are hugging each other.
More tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!

My response overall: this was a good show. I got all choked up AGAIN when Sione talked about not quitting. I can remember my earliest days of quitting in the face of a physical challenge. I was on the high school track team. Originally I was supposed to be a sprinter, doing the 220m (1/4 mile) but like EVERYOne wanted to do the 220m so they switched me over to the 880. Which is just a brutal, horrible killer, of having to really pump out for two entire laps rather than.. half a lap. So many times, during a meet I would end up dying somehow at around 1.5 laps; I’d twist my ankle, or get injured, or throw up or pass out or god knows what. But I was so terrified of losing that I just took myself out, over and over. That was a very bad precedent to set. However, I do not remember ANYbody being there or encouraging me to keep going, so I never did. It was very lonely. I didn’t last too long at track, maybe 2 years max.

February 25, 2009 0

Watching, Again

So yesterday I spontaneously decided to pick myself up and go to a Weight Watchers meeting. I have been doing pretty well overall but had hit a bit of a plateau and figured I needed something a little more structured.

I had such mixed feelings when I walked through that door. I have been through a LOT in that little room and not all of it was positive. I could feel the resistance roiling up in my stomach as I came in and filled out the familiar form on the familiar clipboard. I took a deep breath and went back to the scale. I knew it would be way more than my home scale, since I was fully clothed and it was in the middle of the day, but I still didn’t like seeing that number. Boo. Oh well, we can only go down from here (I hope).

The leader was someone I think I’d seen before. My heart sank. She was NOT one of the inspiring ones but rather one of the ones that instantly evoke a Bad Attitude in me. She’s nice enough, but tends to talk to the group as if we were a bunch of kindergarteners. Could she make the “lesson” any more dumbed-down? I felt really condescended to. Some people were good sports about it, but lots of people in the room were looking about a millimeter away from a group eye-roll. I know they have this set “lesson” every week that every WW leader everywhere is supposed to follow – but I was fighting the urge to leap up there and take over for her. Of course I had no right to do that, considering *I* haven’t lost 40 lbs and kept it off for 9 years, but damn, I’m a better teacher. WAY better.

I have a secret desire to one day become a WW or other weight loss kind of teacher/leader, but I guess I’d better get to my goal weight before I think about that path. I love teaching and think it would be awesome to teach this kind of thing. If I am successful with the Beck program maybe I could do that. ANYway, cart before horse much?

I was chagrined to learn that I now am allotted 2 fewer “points” than the last time I was here. Bummer. That’s what happens when you get old! Bleah.

But I did get all the paraphernalia, and yesterday dutifully “tracked” the points of the day. At the end of the day I came in 5 points SHORT. What’s that about? I was psyched to realized that my sugar free tapioca pudding has only 1 point and a ton of fiber! Who knew.

So, here I go. I am definitely going to be checking out different meetings to find a leader who is a better fit for me. Why are WW leaders so … straight? I’ve had two fantastic leaders in my long journey through WW – one man who was a really big, funny goofball, and another woman who dropped like 200 lbs and was really honest and awesome about her struggles. Why do they all look and dress like Laura Bush? I’d be so psyched to find a WW leader who looks like Michelle Obama. I’d do anything for those arms!!

If anybody out there is also doing WW, please chime in. I could use the company.

PS. I went to get my blood drawn again today in preparation for my endocrinologist appointment today. The blood-drawing tech was super awesome (no pain!) and he said a magic “Shazaam!” over my lab slip to encourage Good Numbers. Let’s hope.

February 23, 2009 4

A Little Wobbly Today

The dreaded Scale saw another one-lb. uptick today. I did not want to see that, and was not expecting it. It immediately made me want to eat something large. After I had that great workout yesterday! And I’ve been eating well! It’s not faiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrr!

I immediately saw the battle ensue in my head. The “sabotaging” voices were up in full chorus, nudging me towards FOOD FOOD FOOD. The “helpful thought” voices were barely whispering.

I managed to get home. Now I am going to boil a couple of eggs (haven’t had breakfast yet, other than coffee). I’m going to set up the Wii Fit because I want to start a Wii Fit challenge on Facebook. Maybe I will try the ergometer (rowing machine) in the garage. Last night my daughter tried to teach me proper form and I was totally hopeless. She was actually incredulous that two seconds after she said, “ARMS-BODY-LEGS,” I would immediately do it in some ridiculous order like LEGS ARMS BODY, which is almost physically impossible, but I managed. I am so ridiculously uncoordinated.

But the thing is I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING other than feel sorry for myself and eat. Wish me luck. Or courage. Or something. I’ll check back later.

———–

UPDATE: It took me almost ALL DAY of procrastinating, but I finally got onto the erg machine. It was HARD. I have an even bigger newfound respect and awe for my daughters, who so seriously kick butt at this. I limped along for 20 minutes. It was haarrrrrrrd! But I sweated like a pig and did not injure myself and needless to say felt quite proud when I got off. I was going for 30 but thought I can save that for NEXT time. And, hah, I sweated off a pound. Hee.

Oh and PS, after that I got on the Wii Fit which felt kind of silly in comparison. (kind of??) but I did some advanced step (advanced if you’re 80 yrs old) and some boxing (spazz) and some Hula Hoop.

So, I feel better. Thanks erg machine, thanks daughter for the pep talk and thanks someday. You all pulled me through.

February 19, 2009 2

I (Heart) Biggest Loser

I know, I know, it’s junky reality tv, but it inspires me. It truly does. Last night was one of my favorite episodes. So the first challenge involved running up and down a hill to get keys (one at a time) to fit into these two padlocks on the workout gym. People were desperate to keep their access to the gym. I was wondering what this was about but I think it might have had something to do with the machines- the elliptical, the treadmill, stairmaster, etc. The numbers on those machines can be very seductive, especially when they measure your progress, with speed, resistance and calories burned. It can be great to know you’ve just burned X number of calories.

I don’t feel all that attached to my gym. I do enough workouts in “alternative” settings that I know it all works, and sometimes it just feels so good to be outside.

So two teams of two got gym access and they immediately turned it into a … lounge? With comfy chairs, tea, water and fresh cut fruit. So they could lounge around instead of work out!

Meanwhile, the out-of-the-gym teams had these crazy workouts where they were lifting lawn furniture, leaping over barrels, running on the beach with enormous logs on their shoulders… it was insane and cool. They also had a really fun looking mud-wrestling fight after that. I really like this season’s people. They know how to have fun and they SUPPORT each other in a really heartwarming way.

My particular family was also VERY jazzed about last night’s show because the elimination challenge involved – erg machines! Ergometers! Or, if you must call them that (much to daughter’s exasperation): rowing machines. My two daughters have collectively pulled hundreds of thousands of kilometers on those very machines. They kick ass. So it was a personal thrill to see the Biggest Loser teams trying to erg their way to immunity. Wooo!

My favorite moment was when Bob (whom I do not particularly like) talked about Kristin, the young woman who weighs more than 300 lbs. She does EVERYthing. He said, “No matter what I ask of her, she always does it. She does not whine or complain. She puts her all in.” And she talked about weighing almost 400 lbs? before the show and how she had no idea”this girl who could do this” was living inside her. It brought tears to my eyes.

So I went to my trainer today and was determined to be Just. Like. Kristin. She has SO much to overcome, and she is hanging in there, so steady. I have great admiration for her. And he was duly impressed. I basically said, I am never going to complain again. Even when he had me doing my personal nemesis, which is jumproping. I am just a spaz. I am very very bad at it. But I kept going, and got my 100 jumps in, and that was that. It was a great workout. I love working out on Wednesdays after watching Biggest Loser!

Now that I am finally HOME and settled and not traveling very much for a long time, I am hopeful I can really get into a routine. I also want to get together my in-person and online Beck Diet Solution support group. I am going to go through that book from front to back.

Let me know if you want to join in. (online)

February 18, 2009 2

foodfoodbodybody

eat, move, think, feel

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