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Midweek, Week 2: Of Beasts and Blood

Two more workouts down! After that emotional meltdown on Tuesday, things have been going more smoothly, at least psychologically.

Yesterday was a run workout. I did it OYO (on your own) because of my WW meeting in the evening. Our coach had sent out a rather cryptic workout schedule with codes and numbers I didn’t fully understand. What he wrote was:

WARM UP: 10’ Easy jog with 4-5 x 10”-15” strides

MAIN SET

T = Threshold pace = RPE 6-8. This is moderate to hard pace where conversation is possible but labored. Walk or jog very easy during the recovery interval.

R = Repetition pace = RPE 9-10. This is a near max effort. Focus on maintaining running form throughout the set. No recovery interval is given. Take as much rest as needed in order to perform the next repeat at the same high intensity.

Developing   (400T, RI 200 + 200R) repeat 4x or (4’T, RI 2′ + 2’R) 4x

Fitness           (400T, RI 200 + 200R) repeat 6x or (4’T, RI 2′ + 2’R) 6x

Competitive   (400T, RI 200 + 200R) repeat 8x or (4’T, RI 2′ + 2’R) 8x

COOL DOWN: 5’-10’ Easy jog or walk

I’m not sure how YOU would interpret this, but what I did was: (at “developing level”) – warmup, then four minutes of Threshold Level, 2 minutes of Repetition Pace “near max effort,” 2 minutes of recovery (ie staggering/walking/trying not to throw up). Then repeated that 4x. Then cooldown.

I am getting a little more of an idea of how to figure out these RPE (Rate of Perceived Efforts). A “near max effort” is one thing to do for 20 seconds (a true sprint) and another thing to do for two entire minutes. I have to really pace myself. And it just feels sick. But I configured my Runkeeper to chime at all the intervals, and I did it. At the end I was REALLY wiped but felt quite proud of myself. And super sweaty.

Later I found out that I had interpreted the thing wrong. When coach Haakon interpreted his symbols into ENGLISH, he said it was:

4 minutes at Threshold pace (RPE 6-8), rest for 2 minutes
2 minutes at Repetition pace (RPE 9-10), rest as long as you need to in order to do next set at the same intensity and focus.

So I had left out the resting in between Threshold and Rep, and NEVER did the “rest as long as you need.” He said that he liked my workout and that should be called The Beast. 🙂 and that as long as I was not injured, it was “money in the bank.” You can see how this guy thinks.

Yesterday I coincidentally got a handwritten letter from Junior in the mail. I cannot even REMEMBER the last time I got a handwritten letter from ANYONE and so I treasured every word like it was a gold nugget. But my very favorite part was the end of the letter.

That pretty much made my day. There’s no way she (or anyone else) would have said this about me three years ago. It made me feel very awesome.

Today was bike/run day. I got to reunite with my workout buddy Lily, whom I had not seen in what felt like eons! We met up on the same mild hill trail that I did on Saturday.

Here we are before we set off.

Lily: she's so cute!
me, feeling very jocky!

We took off. The trail was very beautiful and cool and woodsy and not nearly as crowded as it had been on the weekend.

Lily's butt: woosh, she just whizzed past! So speedy!

We went down the hill, then up the hill (puff puff) and it was very pleasing to have a nice easy hill on which to practice our gear switching. We were pretty psyched. THEN on the way up for the 2nd time, all of a sudden I felt this JERK! and my bike just STOPPED and I was flung to the ground. OUCH. My shoelace had gotten all wrapped up in the gear and well… ack.

This was a very unhappy moment for me. I was on the ground and it took forever to untangle my shoelace and nurse my wounds (both legs) and regain my confidence. Lily was very nice and walked with me for a little bit. Of course it brought back all sorts of PTSD re my bike accident, and I started muttering internally about how much I HATE BICYCLES because they are dangerous nasty beasts that can hurt you and get you killed.

Owie.

So eventually I calmed down and we resumed going up the hill and it went fine. I know it was my FAULT for wearing running shoes with long laces. Mr. McBody had warned me about this (wagging finger and all) on Saturday and I was also dreading the “I told you so” speech when I got home. Bleah. But I got over it and we finished the ride, which all in all had been a success.

Then we RAN! It wasn’t a long run, but we ran down the hill and then up the hill. When we were done we felt like we’d definitely accomplished something. This was our first OYO multi-sport workout. Coach says we need to get used to doing a couple things at once. Okay.

Tomorrow is swim day. I am actually looking forward to it.

5

The Workout That Almost Wasn’t

Today was one of those Not Easy days. I did not bounce out of bed all excited to get into my new triathlon week. First, I had a super tough day at work. It was psychologically tough. Sometimes I work with people who are in a lot of pain and who have huge physical limitations. Today was one of those days. I just felt such incredible sadness, and the folks I worked with were in despair and I felt like I could not do a thing to help them. As the day went on I felt myself getting more and more tired and weighed down. I went to Starbucks after lunch for iced coffee and a cookie (note: did not help in the LEAST). By the end of the work day I just felt glued to my chair, dragging with no energy and dreading my swim workout.

A little part of me contemplated not going. But I knew that this would just be a horrible slippery slope and if I didn’t go once, then it would just set a precedent for not going again and again.

I was bummed because my buddy Lily couldn’t join me today. I haven’t seen her since last Friday and I miiiiisssssss her. Funny how quickly we establish routines and traditions. I got used to working out with her last week! It feels like an eternity!

I came home after work to print out the workout and get my swim gear. Of course I COULD have done that before leaving in the morning, but I hadn’t done that. I knew it was going to be dangerous to come in the house and sit on a chair. I did not allow myself to lie on the bed (which I really wanted to do). I dragged myself over to the gym after 7.

As I was driving, I got a little flash thinking about my work clients. And it struck me that I was feeling kind of guilty. That here I could work out and do all these things with my body that they just can’t do. It struck me how unfair that was. And I realized that that exhaustion hit me in the afternoon, I think partly because I was overwhelmed with the fact that I get to go and train for a triathlon and they can barely walk down the hall. I felt like I was showing off. And that I didn’t have the right to go work out when people are suffering in their bodies. (this is something along the lines of not finishing one’s plate when there are children starving in X…….. country)

Then I remembered something that our coaches say to us at almost every workout. That when we are tired, or not sure we can start or finish a workout, we should think about our honorees who have, or did have cancer, and that what we go through in our workouts is a mere tiny infinitesemal fraction of what they go through. And that we have to keep going.

My triathlon training is unfortunately not going to help every single person who is suffering in every way in the world. But it can help some people who are dealing with blood cancers.  I thought about Izzy and about Susan, another one of my honorees (just diagnosed a few weeks ago) who has already inspired me so much – post about her coming in the next week, and about Scott Simmons and Ruthann Cons and Robert Allen, my “in memory of” honorees. Then I realized that I just passed 25% (!!!!!!!!!!!!) of my fundraising goal (awesome, but that means I have 75% to go! hint hint!) , and that gave me some good energy.

So I went to the pool feeling tired, pretty grim, but determined to do it anyway.

I got in the water and right away I felt calmer. We were supposed to do a total of 700 yards of drills and freestyle. I did it and it was not a struggle. It actually felt really good. When I was done I added an extra 50 yards just because I felt like it. It made me excited to feel the progress I have been making with my swimming.

I was feeling so happy when I got out of the water.

After I took a shower I put on the shirt I’d tossed randomly into my bag. It was my shirt that I got at the Fight for Air StairClimb. In case you can’t read backwards, it says “I climb because I can.” And I guess I swim because I can.

When I was driving home there was an incredibly beautiful fingernail moon hanging over the city.

Peace.

12

Getting Over the Bikophobia

In the past, I’ve kind of lumped together my “bike and swim phobia” as if they were equivalent. Having gone swimming yesterday, I am realizing that my feelings toward these two activities are in no way equal.

The swimming felt initially very refreshing and nice. At first, it felt good. Then I started getting tired and having breathing issues. But I feel confident that with some decent training, I will eventually get better at this sport and I am open to the idea (even looking forward to) of even one day enjoying it. I feel like chances are good that this could happen. I still have some anxiety that I’m going to have some major panic situation and drown during the tri, but hopefully I can manage my way (mentally) out of that idea. I did have a near-drowning experience in the Outer Banks of North Carolina when I was about 16. I was rescued by a bunch of sailors who made a human chain to rescue me against the riptide. I’ll never forget that experience and I’m hoping that this tri will be a way of “taking back” open-water swimming.

I also had a bike accident when I was 13. When I was little, starting around seven, I had a super cool bike with long handlebars and a banana seat. I used that bike to go all over my neighborhood to visit my friends. It was like having a car (independence!) in the 2nd grade. I feel such pity for the children who don’t have the freedom to do this nowadays. (including my own, who didn’t learn to ride literally until she was 16)

But when I was 13, a bunch of my friends were going for a bike ride. My friend (taller than me) let me borrow her bike (my own bike had been welded to a frame and transformed into an “exercise bike” in the basement). It wasn’t set at the right height and I remember the fear of not being able to touch the ground with my feet.

We were driving on the one trafficked street in our town, the “main street.” I remember swerving too close to a huge truck and losing my balance. I panicked and kind of flung myself (and bike) onto the ground in fear of running into it. I ended up landing UNDER the truck, and the bike was a twisted mess. I had gravel and concrete burns and ripped the skin off my whole leg from ankle to thigh. That was the last time I got on a bike for about 20 years. Since then, it’s been few and far between and I ONLY bike on bike trails that are flat and have no traffic. Or like they do in Golden Gate Park on Sundays – they close the road to traffic and let the skaters and cyclists have the road. That is my kind of biking. I’m not exactly sure what I”m going to do if we have to train on ROAD roads. I might need hynposis or something (I’m not kidding).

I have an almost hysterical fear and loathing of bicycles on roads where cars also drive. If I’m driving a car, I’m anxious that I’ll hit a biker. If I’m on a bike (hypothetical, since I’d never do this) I’m anxious about being hit. I have often said that I think that bikes on car roads should be illegal. I realize that this is a MUCH bigger mental obstacle than I’d realized and I’m going to have to deal with it if I’m going to accomplish this tri.

Mr McBody just went to pick up Junior’s bike so I can use it to start my training. Part of me is hoping it will fall off the back of the car and get crushed before he gets home. Gulp.

14

My Life As A Guinea Pig

I’ve realized recently that my life this past two years has been an interesting experiment. I’ve been both guinea pig and scientist as I’ve tried to pay attention and understand how my mind and body work.  It’s been a dynamic process. Things change, and I change, and nothing ever really stays the same for long.

A few things I’ve observed, though:

  • If I stay away from my scale for more than 3-4 days, it means that I’m in avoidance and/or denial, and there is probably trouble brewing. If things are going well, I weigh myself every day and even if it fluctuates by several pounds, I don’t fret about it. If I don’t want to look, that means it’s bad news.
  • I need accountability. Even the most “imaginary” accountability works for me. When I was doing the #7daychip, I took it very seriously. I made a promise to myself, I had chip buddies (hey @justjerakah!) and it kept me on track. As soon as I wasn’t officially doing the #7daychip anymore, guess what? My workouts came to a dead screeching halt.
  • That’s why I am soooooooooooo excited about joining Team in Training again after 12 years. I’m going to have a coach! and a group! and a schedule! UBER accountability!
  • Some foods just send me right over the edge into can’t-stop-eating land. Recently it was peanut butter. It went into the trash. Then it was trail mix. ACK! That’s going into trash as soon as I go home today. CANNOT HAVE in the house.
  • My eternal Achilles heel is going to be stress/emotional eating and I really need to put as many resources I can into addressing this. Sometimes I can deal with it in appropriate ways, and sometimes it trips me up. Keep it on the to-do list.
  • In general, I’m not great at working out by myself. If I’m not being accountable to someone else, I often will break dates with myself. Ditto re the team in training- YAY.
  • I continue to thrive with my relationship with Weight Watchers. It’s good for me to enter that conversation with 30+ people every week.
  • Things continually change, and I have to continually Pay Attention and change things up as well. Change is good.
And those were my scientific conclusions of the day!
What have you learned about yourself on your (cough) (for lack of a better word) Journey?
9

Goalaversary Number Two! The Neurons Converge!

photo credit: Hybridotus, via Flickr

Today is my two-year anniversary of reaching my Weight Watchers goal weight. I “celebrated” rather sheepishly and quietly, mostly because I am a couple pounds over goal due to certain Hormonal Influences of the Week. But also because it’s been a rough patch of time lately and I just wasn’t feeling as exuberant as I did last year.  I didn’t go out and have cupcakes. However, at my meeting last night I fastened some curly ribbons to my nametag and at the end of the meeting, I did announce my 2-year goalaversary and I told the members they could ask me anything they wanted.

One person raised their hand and said, “What do you do when you feel stuck?” Ahem – like RIGHT NOW? I stood and thought for a moment. And then I said, “I change things up. I look for something new to do. A new book, a new kind of exercise, a new recipe, a new way of looking at things. Anything to move things and unstick them.”

And just as I said it out loud I knew it was true.

THEN we had Celebrations and we celebrated one member losing 11 pounds. She said it was due to “earning LOTS of activity points, and joining Team in Training!” We all clapped. Then I remembered when I had joined Team in Training in 2000 and completed a marathon (walking). I remembered what a wonderful experience that had been.

This morning, I was still thinking about it. I thought about another member who came up to me after the meeting and said he was “doing pretty good” with his food, but that he wasn’t getting much activity in. Then the neurons in my brain started sparking and I thought, “Hey! I should recommend that he try Team in Training! How awesome would that be!”

Then it jumped to, “Hey. Maybe *I* should re-join Team in Training! Maybe I should do a marathon!” I had gotten a flyer from Team in Training just last week (I’m still on their mailing list, 11 years later). I started getting excited.

Then on the way to work I remarked to Mr. McBody that I was contemplating something biggish. I told him. He said, “That’s a great idea!” But then he said… “But you know, I’m not sure these long distance events are really a good long term plan.” (speak for yourself, dude.) And he went on to say that maybe I ought to mix it up and do something other than running.

I was about to get all defensive and upset and tell him I was going to be running long races into my eighties (um??) and then an even bigger bunch neurons exploded in my head, and the words “triathlon – running- biking – swimming- TEAM IN TRAINING!” all merged together at once and I let out this huge “Ahhhh!!”

As soon as I got to work I went on the site and looked at the upcoming events. Marin County Triathlon. November 5. My heart started pounding. And I registered for an info session on the spot.

I’m going to do this. This is my new thing! This is my shaking it up!

I’ve whispered and mumbled and thought about the word “triathlon” in the past. But then I never started and I knew that I was just plain CHICKEN. Of the biking/swimming part. And I know without a doubt that the ONLY WAY – the ONLY way in the entire universe that this will ever be possible for me, will be if I have a coach and an entire HERD of people doing it with me.

My big, giant, annual work event finishes up on July 22nd this year. Training for the Marin County Triathlon begins on July 23rd.

Um, isn’t that, like… fate?

So THIS is how we celebrate the 2nd goalaversary. First year, cupcakes. Second year, triathlon. Okay.

Anyone want to join me?? I’m going to an information session in San Francisco on July 7th!!

Oh, and: this is what I love about working at Weight Watchers. It’s SUCH a two-way street. I need to be in there, and I need my members as much as they get support from me. Thanks for throwing some sparks into my brain, people!

13

Nighttime Peanut Butter and A Good Long Cry

I’m not gonna lie, this is continuing to be a hard week. Y’all know that I have three jobs, right? Well, every single one of them has been frustrating/challenging/hard/AGHHHHH this week. All of them. I just feel like I’m not getting a break from any corner, and I’m just ping-ponging from to another. It’s just hard.

In addition to that, I’m going through some big transitions, and that’s just challenging me big time. Change is hard.  It’s good, and it’s necessary, but it’s hard. It requires a lot of emotion and squirming around. I can’t really talk about specifics yet but I will at some point.

One thing that happened this week was another one of those “Hmmm, this really… INTERESTING,” ie “WTF is GOING ON!!?!?” moments.  Last week our Weight Watchers topic was “Tracking Things Other Than Food and Drink.” I actually love that topic because to me, it shows WW commitment to really having members know and understand ourselves. Yeah! That mindfulness thing! We had a great discussion about monitoring and paying attention to all kinds of stuff like hunger, emotions, tiredness, sleep, exercise, clothing size and on and on. I was like, YEAH! I always tell members that this is the most important thing – KNOWING OURSELVES and our habits, what our mind does, where it trips us up, because knowledge is power, blah blah blah.

So my mind decided to pull a fast one on me this week.

I have spent decades analyzing my particular food/weight/habit Achilles heels. I am very susceptible to emotional eating, for example. I also have a tendency to like big meals. I’m not a big snacker, and I’m NOT a “nighttime eater.” Friends and WW members have long bemoaned their nighttime eating habits, during which I usually nod sympathetically but really it’s not something I could relate to. Because I don’t really like eating at night (unless it happens to be a weirdly late dinner). It isn’t comfortable and I just don’t LIKE IT.

Until this week. One night this week I was prowling around the house right before bed, and I happened to walk through the kitchen. Normally I have no desire to eat at this time. But I saw this open bag of pretzels. And I saw a jar of peanut butter. And something in my mind just SNAPPED and before I knew it I was slathering peanut butter on pretzels and eating them. And then (just like the famous “If You Give A Mouse A Cookie”) because I had eaten that, I HAD to have a big glass of milk. Which I did. And then I went to bed, going, WTF was THAT?!??

It was nighttime eating! When I wasn’t hungry! O. M. G.!!!!!!!!!!!

I was absolutely horrified. I couldn’t have been more horrified than if I’d shot myself up with a syringe full of heroin. Because for 99% of my life, nighttime eating just has NOT been one of my (many) unhealthy habits! Other people did that, and I did other stuff, but that was just not for me. And here I was, tiptoeing (or no, maybe STOMPING) into that Territory. Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!

I felt terrible, both emotionally (AGHHHHHHH!) and physically (YUCKKKK!).

The next morning, I woke up and saw the offending jar of peanut butter mocking me from the counter. I picked it up and flung it into the trash, even though there was more than half the jar left. I was so mortified and did not want to risk. (apparently for me, stress + peanut butter = the perfect storm)

A few days of self loathing and no exercise ensued.

Today I got up determined to break this cycle of insanity. I laced up my sneakers and at first I was going to do, you know, a WORKOUT. But instead I realized I knew I needed a walk and some sort of Come-to-Jesus conversation with myself. I knew I had to get to the bottom of what was going on.

Well, I was no further then three minutes from my house when I found myself sobbing, I mean REALLY sobbing like the world was ending. It was huge. I couldn’t talk or breathe or anything. But I KNEW that this was what I had really been needing. The stress of my mom getting sick and hurt last week, plus other stuff all piling up,  and my jobs all simultaneously kicking my butt – it was all just too much. I just cried and cried. And walked. It was all good. And necessary.

This stuff can be hard sometimes. But I know that today was my breakthrough. I stopped trying to hold it all together and I just let it all out. And I know I’m ready to deal with the changes and all of it.

In other, happier news, my Junior has been at the Biggest Loser resort in Malibu this week. And she has been squeezing the most out of every single minute there. She has had the most amazing workouts of her life and is loving it like CRAZY. I am so excited for her to come back and teach me everything!! She’s had the chance to work out with Sam from season 9, whom she’s admired a long time, and she’s just having the best time ever. I am so excited for her. She has made a few video recaps with the blow-by-blow of each minute of each workout, and I’ve been eagerly awaiting them every night. If you want to check out life at the BL resort, you can see her (written and video) daily recaps here.

I think things are going to start turning around. That bawling in the woods really helped this morning. On Saturday, I’m going to a (what fun!) Nia dance birthday party class! Junior comes home on Sunday. And I am going to keep rolling through the changes.

 

9

Not Beating Up, Just Wondering

cupcake gone by TheTruthAbout
cupcake gone, a photo by TheTruthAbout on Flickr.

A few people near and dear to me communicated to me after reading my last two posts that I should not be “beating myself up” or feeling badly about myself for eating the Chinese food. And I just wanted to clarify. I wasn’t feeling awful about myself – I was just wondering, sort of curiously, “How did I get there?” Or “How did this happen?” When I know what I know. I’m just trying to sort it out.

Same person said to me that they had eaten noodles and bubble tea. Which to me is not an issue at all unless the purpose of eating those things is to go numb. And it made me think, it’s not the WHAT of the eating that is “problematic,” it’s the HOW. I’ve eaten cupcakes and cheesecake and fried calamari and all kinds of stuff without feeling it’s a problem. I’ve eaten lots of Chinese food without having the feeling I had last night. Last night I wasn’t savoring or tasting or even necessarily enjoying. It was just about the quantity. I had that “shoveling” feeling, and in fact I shoveled down the last of the fried rice with a serving spoon. THAT’s what I’m talking about.

If I eat six cupcakes in a sitting (OK, I’ve never actually done that. Maybe two. Three.) and don’t really taste them, then it’s a problem. If I lovingly, ecstatically really ENJOY eating a cupcake, it’s fine. In fact, it’s wonderful. It’s more about the “how” and the “why” and the “how much” more than the “what.”

That feeling I had last night just was something that hadn’t happened in a long while, and I was just trying to … you know, sort it all out. I’m not feeling bad about myself or even that it happened. Just… sitting here, thinking.

11

What I Learned From My Dog

the day we brought her home

This morning I was mulling over my Chinese food overload from last night and I saw our dog going through her usual bizarre dog-food ritual. She will approach her bowl, do a weird little backward dance, rear up on her back legs, then stealthily approach the dish AGAIN, take a small mouthful of food, back up quickly, drop the food on the ground and then eat it with her little ears flattened to her head. Every single bite happens this way.

We often laugh at her because it is truly amusing to watch. But we’ve analyzed WHY she does this every time she eats: it’s because she came from a place where there were twelve other dogs, and this was her mode of survival. She would have to jump up and down in order to SEE the bowl in the sea of other dogs. Then carefully plan her approach, sneak right in there at the right moment, then grab the food and back up to take it to a safe place to chew and swallow. She couldn’t just stand there, leisurely-like, and munch away.

We brought her home when she was 9 months old. She’s almost eight YEARS old now and still she does this. She hasn’t figured out that she is the only dog in the house and she does not NEED to do this. There’s no amount of reassuring that can break her of this ritual.

But it made me think of my own “rituals” and the things I do that began long, long ago. I know they don’t serve me. Did they ever? Many people have wondered why we eat to soothe our emotions even when we know we’ll feel worse in the long run. Because at one time, it DID work (or so we believed). Food actually does work as an anesthetic and can mute feelings that are too upsetting or just too MUCH. I think last night I had just reached the end of my proverbial rope. After worrying and caring for mom all week I had to go in and go to work for a longer day than I’d planned. I was exhausted, the worst seemed to have passed, and I just let it down.

Last night I got a good long night’s sleep. Today I am going for a nice long walk. I’m going to be gentle with myself, and learn once again what it means to take care of one’s self.

1

Lessons Learned from a Hard Week

I really want to thank everyone for the good wishes for my mom. It’s only been a week but it feels like one of the longest weeks ever! Tonight I think I can safely say she is definitely on the mend. After not wanting to eat a bite all week, tonight she asked if we would order Chinese takeout for dinner and she snarfed down a huge plate with gusto. WHEW.

It’s been tough, and rough, but she is one resilient lady. I have spent the week sleeping on the floor of her room, helping her up in the night. Tonight I am sleeping in my own bed again. She can once again make her way up and down the stairs and is taking the doggie for short walks down the street. This is amazing considering where she was just a few days ago.

I have to admit not taking great care of myself this week. For the first few days, she didn’t eat, and I didn’t eat. Then I lost a bunch of sleep. Then when she seemed to get better I suddenly wanted to eat everything in sight. I ate more Chinese food tonight than I think I have in years. Ah well.

This week taught me that I can’t succumb to stress. What if it had lasted longer than a week? Tonight I plan to get a good night’s sleep, then start tomorrow with some good activity and getting back on track.

It’s an old, old lesson but one that needs to be learned over and over again. Food doesn’t fix stress. But some reptilian part of my brain stubbornly wants to believe that it does.

Again, thank y’all for the warm wishes. I think they truly helped. oxoxo

9

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