I’ve spent the past several days hiding out in an emotional cave, licking my wounds and trying to turn my head around after the practice tri on Saturday. I pretty spent all day Sunday crying uncontrollably. I cried every time I thought about it.
Then I got an email from sports psychologist Michelle Cleere (who magically came into my life this month!) saying she really thought I could do the Olympic and that she would help me. I met with her on Wednesday which was immensely helpful. Problem is I have not been able to get back into the freaking water since then. Last night I was supposed to go with Lily and about a minute before heading out we had our 2nd earthquake of the day. Not a little one. Which led to freakout of her dog, ourselves and various family members. By the time everyone calmed down (sort of) it was too late. So today it’s do or die! I am eager to try out what Michelle suggested to me. In the meantime I am setting about making several dozen “YOU GOT THIS” post-it notes to put in all corners of the house.
What did she suggest? Well, both mental and physical things. One thing that came out when I was recapping the open water swim was that I was breathing with every stroke. When I’m in the pool, I breathe every 2 or 3. I was really aware of this in the open water, and TRYING to get myself to breathe less often, but it wasn’t happening. Michelle said that this changeup, physiologically could have added to my hyperventilation issue (just not having enough oxygen and having periodic “can’t breathe” episodes in between fine regular swimming). She recommended that I start practicing swimming with the “every stroke breath” technique in the POOL so that it is less of a stressful transition. Many people I speak to say that they breathe every stroke and sometimes this is just necessary in OW. I’ve watched some tri videos recently and the top people do seem to breathe constantly. OK .
In addition I am working very hard at thinking positively, about the great progress I made since the start of the season (when I could barely swim 2 lengths of the pool). I am going to do a long pool workout today, and then tomorrow a course preview swim practice with another triathlon training group (my team is doing bike run which will probably also be a big benefit, but I need to NAIL this swimming thing and soon). I am working at a ton of self-talk and how to deal with that huge “I CAN’T” voice in my head.
I can’t thank you all enough, you who posted and commented and emailed and sent me good vibes this past week. It has meant the world to me. It was a rough thing, but I’m ready to get back in it now and do what I can do.
In other news: Today is the day to sign up for the next season of Team in Training for just $10! Yahoo! I just picked up the phone (call 800-78-TRAIN) and signed up for a Yosemite Snowshoe Hike for February 2012. One, it will get me into the Triple Crown club at TNT (three separate sports) and I am all about these sorts of bling/reward things. I want to be a Triple Crown! Plus, what could be more beautiful than snowshoeing in Yosemite?
I knew when I signed up for this that this event was going to be as much of a psychological challenge as a physical one. I was not mistaken in this. The psychological and emotional obstacles have been HUGE and sometimes even debilitating. After my first open water swim I was not at all sure I could even continue.
But continue I have, and I have been putting as much time into my training my psyche as I have training my body. If there is ANY tool or resource I can find to help me in this area, I am trying to use it.
At the “Stories of the Body” retreat last weekend, I utilized several of the guest artist activities to help me in my tri efforts. At Bethany’s “Bodymindfull” workshop, I created a triathlon dance in which I danced my way through the swim, bike and run. I envisioned them happening with ease and joy. Then in the collage workshop I made a triathlon collage with random pictures I found in magazines and calendars. I LOVED the image of the nuns rowing on the water. It just gave me immediate comfort. I won’t be alone out there. Some holy presence will be there protecting me.
My wonderful retreat participants blessed and gifted me with a little Quan Yin figurine which I immediately took with me on my tri course bike ride. Another source of protection and support. Knowing she was in my bike pouch really was calming and reassuring.
One of my Team in Training teammates recommended a booked called The Triathlete’s Guide to Mental Training– I ordered it on Amazon within about 30 seconds! and have read about half of it already. The chapters on Confidence, Emotions and Intensity are really helping me. (thank you Katherine!)
Yesterday, Lily and Vince and I went out to bike the tri loop again. It felt really good. I felt strong and I loved the course – hilly but not too steep. It felt so reassuring to get out there and feel what it’s actually going to feel like. I can do this!!
Today was the first big coached workout I’ve had in two weeks. We did about 90 minutes in the pool which included some fascinating tri open water “simulation.” First they had us warming up, all bunched together in two lane lines. All the thrashing bodies smushed together in the water. It did indeed bring up, even in 4 feet depth, the anticipated anxiety. But then we got through the next phase, of pushing hard to get out of that crowd, then finding a race pace that was sustainable, and finally a push toward the end. It was so helpful.
Then we had a six mile run. My last attempt at running six miles (after the open swim) was NOT a happy experience, and I was determined to find redemption on this run. I challenged myself to run for the FIRST TIME EVER without my earbuds and music. I love running with my music. It calms me, it keeps me at a good pace, and it keeps me from hearing the sound of my own panting (which just makes me upset and nervous). But I know that earbuds are most likely going to be prohibited during the race itself and I wanted to get used to doing without. I wasn’t sure how this was going to go.
Incredibly, as soon as I began running, the music started going in my head. I’ve listened to those songs over hundreds of miles and you know, they are so hardwired into me at this point. I don’t know every single song lyric, but I was able to hum/sing most of my repertoire through the majority of my run. Which included a bunch of hills and challenging trail stuff. I walked up the hills and ran the rest of it. When I was coming down the hill toward the group at the end, I was so excited about finishing 6 miles (race distance) that I was all set to hold up six fingers for the camera. The camera guy was not aiming at me when I finished and then I heard coach Haakon say, “That was about 5.5 miles.” WHAT?? I didn’t finish my six? Teammate Alison said, “let’s do the last half mile.” She was sorta kidding sorta not, but I said “YEAH let’s do it!” and we ran out and completed the last half, just so we’d know we could do the whole six. YEAH! HIGH FIVE! (high six?)
When the workout was done I was pretty overjoyed. I was jumping up and down. I didn’t feel depleted or sick or horrible. Which meant a couple things: one, my bug from last week must be GONE from my body, and two, I think I’m getting better! I’m going to be prepared!
It’s no exaggeration to say that last weekend’s open swim REALLY FREAKED ME OUT. It had me to the point where I was seriously questioning this whole triathlon idea. I was in Doubtville, big time.
So this week I have been treading a fine line between trying to take care of myself psychologically and emotionally while still trying to prepare myself physically. After tiptoeing into little Lake Temescal on Monday, I gratefully took a rest day on Monday. I needed to rest my psyche.
Tuesday we were supposed to go back in the pool. I was a little perplexed by this but I am an obedient athlete so I did what the coach said, which was:
I just wanted to make a plug to continue to do your pool workouts, even as we transition to practicing open water. You *really* must continue to get in the pool and do the full workouts, as it will help your stroke and will help you get in more distance. (When you are not used to open water, you often just do less than you need to). Practicing out there is awesome and great, but don’t neglect the the pool!
Hmm okay. So we went back to the pool. Oh my goodness. It was so warm! and clean! and clear and well lit! The lines were so straight and visible! It was like plunging back into the arms of my mother. On one hand, it felt wonderful. On the other hand, I was on the verge of a little tantrum the whole time, saying, “But open water doesn’t feel like this! It’s not faiiiiiiiiiiiiiiir!” I was upset about all the weeks of training, when I’d been feeling so much more comfortable and then BAM! I can’t swim five strokes without having an attack. I felt like I’d been duped, tricked by the pool and that all I had done was build up false confidence. So I swam in the pool, and it felt good, but inside I was feeling dubious still.
The next day was hill repeats. I did the steeeeeeeeeep hill right near my house. I got it over with as quick as I could. Enough said.
Thursday I was tired. I looked at the next 4 days’ workout and got kind of overwhelmed. We were supposed to do a one hour 11-15 mile bike ride followed by a 20 minute run. I came home from work to get my bike and I was soooooooo tired. SO TIRED. I took a little nap. I really could not fathom doing this workout, let alone doing it alone. But we were having house guests so it was a “now or never” situation. I went down to the Estuary Bay Trail where Juniorette was practicing crew. Going along the water where she was rowing brightened me up immediately. I knew that she was in one of those boats and it just made me feel happy.
I took the same path that Mr. McBody and I did the first day I got on a bike in a gazillion years. I went all the way to the end and was like, WOW that was a long ride! But my BikeMeter app said it was only 3 miles. Oh man. So I got back on and just did major loops all around the Bay Trail. Finally I got back to the boathouse and it was at 11 miles! Part of me felt like a super wimp because I had just rode on a pancake flat trail with no traffic, but part of me was like, it’s OK, you kept your butt on the seat for an hour.
I realized it had taken me an hour to ride 11 miles. Which means I was averaging 11 miles per hour. Which is insanely slow. Then I did some more math and realized if I doubled that to the distance of the bike portion of the Olympic tri, then, um, yes, 22 miles would take TWO HOURS. Then I mentally added in the swim and the run and I had the extremely sinking feeling of realizing that this race could very well take me FIVE HOURS. Oh. My. God.
Okay, I can’t think about that now. If it takes me five hours, so be it. I just want to finish. But that was a sad little reality check.
Now it’s today. OPEN WATER SWIM. (cue “Jaws” soundtrack) Part of me was anxious and part of me just wanted to get back IN again, this time in the Bay, and see what was going to happen. I was feeling bolstered by my Lake Temescal swim and my pool swim.
First there was awful traffic. Then I got lost. Finally I got to the beach and there were 3 team buddies there. I wriggled into my wetsuit and jumped in. Man! Cold. For just a minute though. It wasn’t so bad.
We started swimming parallel to the beach, in not-so-deep water, just to get the feel of it. Suddenly it felt verrrrrry different. For one, I felt SUPER buoyant. Yay salt water! Yay rubber wetsuit! It was almost like wearing a life preserver, I felt so floaty. THEN it was that salt water taste. It’s not yummy, but for me it was… childhood.
Miami Beach. Every summer since I was a baby. My father and mother and grandmother swimming with me back and forth. I didn’t mind the salt.
I just relaxed. I could feel my father with me. I just swam and swam. The breathing was easy. I went in a straight line. No hyperventilating. No fear. I just swam.
I was actually really excited about the open water swim yesterday. The drive out to Del Valle Lake in Livermore was incredibly beautiful and I wasn’t feeling too nervous. We had had a good pool swim on Tuesday where I’d done about 2000 yards and felt relaxed – slow, but relaxed.
First we had a little clinic about open water swimming- how to “sight” (ie see where you’re going) without the comfort of lane lines in a pool. Then they passed out our wetsuits – very exciting! Wooo!
We got a demonstration on how to put on BodyGlide and how to turn it inside out and put it on “like pantyhose.” Then we were shown how to do the “wetsuit wedgie” – when someone else picks you up to jam the wetsuit completely into your crotch. Pretty funny.
AJ demos the pantyhose technique
Then it was our turn! Here’s Matt giving me my wedgie. Wheeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
We felt pretty stoked with our new wetsuits.
Finally, we went down to the lake. The mud at the edge was SUPER DISGUSTING feeling but soon we waded in up to our waists and dived in and opened up our neck holes to get water into the suits (this is to form an insulating layer to keep us warm). I didn’t think that the water was too cold, actually.
Here they are instructing us to pee in our wetsuits to warm up. Nice!
Our first drill was to swim out about 25 yards (a pool length) to coach Stephanie in her kayak, then swim back to shore. I took off and the first several strokes felt just fine. I noticed right away that there was NOTHING TO SEE underwater – ie, it was just a bunch of murk. Just bubbles from exhaling. Okay. I think maybe I was about halfway to the kayak when I realized I was panting. Oh man, I have to rest already? I rolled onto my back and tried to breathe some. I made it around the kayak and got back, but I was SUPER out of breath and it didn’t feel good. I thought, “Man, what was that? Am I getting asthma or something?” The feeling in my chest was just tight.
I'm in the aqua cap
Second trip around the kayak went much better. I felt relaxed, but the memory of the first trip had kind of spooked me. They had asked us at first, “Who wants a buddy swimmer” and silly me didn’t raise my hand. But when we got set to do our first long swim (1/4 mile back and forth to a buoy) I was like… um, yes please! So my mentor Annika said she’d swim with me.
Things were going pretty well for about the first half. Then I heard Annika say, “Susan, turn to your left a little.” I popped my head up and saw that I was bearing really hard to the right, and I had drifted way away from everyone else (who was also way ahead of me, not to mention way to the left). I think that was it. My chest just seized up instantly. I couldn’t breathe. I turned on my back and tried to breathe but I was hyperventilating. Coach Haakon came over and he and Annika literally held me up, horizontally, like a little baby, while I struggled to regain my composure. It felt like forever. Finally they asked if I could manage to do sidestroke. I tried. I did sidestroke for a little while and then I felt like my lungs attacked me again. I sort of flipped out. “I…. can’t…. BREATHE!” I flailed around for a bit and then coach Stephanie showed up with the kayak and I pretty much lunged for it. I held on for dear life and panted and panted. I felt like there was a giant steel vice around my chest and it wasn’t letting me breathe. Stephanie asked if I wanted her to pull me in. I felt very, very defeated but I said, “Yes please.” I felt like there wasn’t any choice. I think we were very near the buoy at that point, but I’m not sure.
We got about halfway back and all of a sudden I realized I was breathing normally. I wanted to swim again. I said, “I think I can try again.” I got back to doing freestyle and it felt pretty good. I thought, at least I can redeem myself by swimming back half the way. It felt decent. Then I was almost, almost, almost there – I mean SO CLOSE and Bam! it hit me again. I was so close. I think what happened is I thought I could touch bottom and then when I tried and couldn’t, the Thing happened again. Shit! Another coach AJ asked, “Are you okay?” and I said, “No! NO!” and he grabbed my arm and dragged me like five feet to where I could stand. Annika asked if I needed to sit down but really I just needed to stand there and breathe. I was devastated. My breath sounded like a death rattle. My lungs were, I don’t know how to describe it. They felt like they were made of wood. It felt like an asthma attack. Was I having an asthma attack? I just couldn’t breathe. The coaches asked if I had an inhaler or I’d taken my medication. I haven’t actually HAD asthma in probably ten years so I don’t have an inhaler, no.
We got out of the water and out of our wetsuits and changed into running gear. That’s when I heard we were running 4-6 miles. I was like, oh BOY. Most of our post-bike or post-swim runs have been really short, like 20 minutes or 2 miles. This was a definite change.
We headed up to the trail for the run. Coach Joan told us it “wasn’t flat.” Um, true story. I decided I would do a 5/1 run/walk ratio. It was going okay at first. My feet were pretty achey but I know from experience that that goes away after the first mile or so; I was just going to have to run through it. I knew that I had about 3-4 people behind me and something about that made me feel like I had some company at my pace. The deal was we were supposed to run to the 2 mile marker, run back, then run to the 1 mile marker and back for a total of 6.
There was a killer hill in there right before the 2 mile mark that I just had to trudge up. Again I was feeling that panting feeling, like I couldn’t catch my breath. I didn’t like that very much. But I got to the 2 mile turnaround and realized the people behind me weren’t there anymore. They must have turned around earlier so that meant I was truly the last one out there. Coach Mark showed up to see if I was still alive (ha!) and jogged around with me a little bit. He nudged me up a couple of hills. Then my breathing started acting up again. I wanted to cry. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get my lungs to fully open up. I kept wanting him to go ahead of me and leave me in my misery so I could walk and cry.
Finally at the one mile marker he seemed satisfied I could make my way back so he took off. That’s when I pretty much hit my psychological wall. I was walking. I was walking really slow and the most incredible onslaught of thoughts just ran through my head. I knew there was no way I was going to go back out for the 6 miles. Four was going to have to be it. I thought about the swim and how terrifying and upsetting it had been. I thought about the really sucky bike ride I’d had on Friday and how I still couldn’t manage to deal with this little bridge on the trail near my house, and how I almost fell down twice. Almost.
By the time I made it back to the rest of the group, I was emotionally wrung out. It was HOT and I went over to sit under a tree a little ways away. I sat on a curb and cried for about twenty minutes. I knew that if anybody came and talked to me I was going to get truly hysterical so I kept my distance. Then I went and got my car. I have never felt so discouraged. I really felt like it was over.
Lily was a total rockstar yesterday. She did two entire loops around the buoy (1/2 mile!) and the whole 6 miles. I am so proud of her. We talked on the way home and she was her wonderful supportive self.
Look who got the Golden Hat of glory this week!
I’m not ready to give up. I’m going to give it another go, hopefully soon. But man, that was scary. I have to have some success and soon or else this little dream of mine is going to deflate fast. My friend Mary challenged me to a pretty daunting bike ride this afternoon but I know that’s not in the cards. I need to feel some success, some ease, some sense of possibility.
Yesterday was really special. I got to get together with my beloved workout buddy from my 2000 TNT marathon training. Back in the day, she and I were stuck together like peanut butter and jelly. Treeeeeeeee! I just love her. I hadn’t seen her in like seven years but something about being back in the TNT mode just made me miss her so much. So yesterday we got together and tried to smush 7 years of conversation into about 90 minutes. It made me realize that even though I like being on the team, I need my One Person. Y’all know who that is for this time, because I don’t go anywhere without her!
Here’s me and Lily working out on our weekend vacation last week. (“triathlon means bike, run, and… hot tub, right?”) ANyway, it was awesome to have this little mini reunion from my BFF from TNT ’00.
I wasn't ACTUally drinking wine while training. I swear!
Today, many of our mentors headed down to participate in the Pacific Grove Triathlon (where they rocked it! Go team!!!!!!!!!!!!) so we had a smaller group do a “captains’ workout” of a bike and run.
Yesterday I prevailed upon my every kind and generous friend Mary to help me fix my flat tire. She was working at Weight Watchers all afternoon so I hauled the whole shebang over to the center and we got down and greasy in between people walking in to get weighed. I have to admit, after doing this process now for the 2nd time I’m probably more intimidated than ever. It involves so many intricate moves and decisions. Right away I jammed my finger in between the frame and the tire and I don’t know what I did but it is all bruised and swollen. (note: if you’re doing bike sports, don’t EVER EVER get a manicure because it is so not worth it. It will go to hell in about an hour) Even after the tire clinic, and watching the Youtube video half a dozen times, I still feel like if this ever happened to me, like in the middle of an event, (please NO) I would just sit on the curb and cry and wait for the SAG vehicle to come pick me up. (SAG = Support and… Grapefruit? Gummy bears? Giggles?)
Anyway, I got the new tube in my tire and got pumped up and I was all ready for this ride today. Again, I was sort of dreading it. OK, not sort of. I was really dreading it. I feel like every bike ride has had some new unknown bad thing I hadn’t even dreamed of before. So what was in store today? I had no idea what the course was like or how long or if there were hills or anything.
We met up at Blackie’s Pasture in Tiburon. From the chatter in the parking lot, I just picked up on random words like, “narrow, treacherous, rollers (rolling hills).” Uh HUH. Okay. I just love that word “treacherous.” NOT.
But what choice did I have? I clipped into my pedals (go me!) and we took off. At first we were on this bike trail (sort of nice, but also sort of an obstacle course around little kids with training wheels, strollers, runners and dogs) but pretty soon we were on a Real Road (stomach churning) with some semblance of an actual bike trail (OK nice!). That was good for a while. It was flat but there were also more cars than I really like to be around. Then we headed into some other area where there was: 1) no more bike trail; 2)fewer cars; 3) MORE HILLS, 4) hairpin turns, and 5) Wind! So windy! Like a few people almost got blown over it was so crazy windy. What was THAT.
The first big hill damn near killed me. I actually had to stop about 3/4 way to the top because I was panting and hyperventilating so hard and getting That Pukey Feeling. It was kind of ridiculous how short of breath I was. The sweep person stopped and hung out with me and said that maybe I was on too much of an easy gear and spinning my wheels (hahah) too much. So I took off again.
I swear, this road is exactly the kind of road that would turn Mr. McBody’s hair white if it wasn’t already. It is the kind of road we drove on to go out to the beach last weekend (ie DEATH TRAP) where we were cursing the cyclists at every blind turn. But it was different, and I mean way different doing it on a bicycle. For one thing, there’s not much I can do. I can stay as close to the edge of the road as I humanly can. Other than that, I’m just focusing on getting up the damn hill or getting around the hairpin turn or not flying out of control on the downhill. I am focused on the BIKE.
It is much, much harder and more annoying to be a car driver on a road than it is to be a cyclist. I pretty much seethe at all the bicycles who have the potential to ruin my life forever when I end up KILLING someone. But when you’re the one on the bicycle, there’s really no energy for being afraid. It’s the car’s job to stay away from you. They had these huge banners on the street poles that said, “Spandex is not armor.” Tell me about it.
That said, there are certain manners that I think most cyclists do not adhere to. Like there’s this thing on narrow, twisty, hilly windy roads called PULLOUTS. They are designed for slow vehicles (slow cars as well as two wheeled vehicles) to PULL OUT INTO when there is someone on your tail who would like to go ahead. We never, ever EVER witnessed a bicycle using a pullout on Highway 1. They just act like they own the place.
But I pulled out. I pulled out plenty today and I felt like in doing so I was being polite to cars, AND I was potentially saving my life. And I noticed that the faces of the drivers passing me looked infinitely more upset/distraught/annoyed than I felt.
I couldn’t believe that I was actually riding a bicycle with my shoes clipped to the pedals, and I was going up and down hills and around crazy sharp turns on a narrow road with no bike lane and cars going past about six inches away. I managed to do the whole 90 minute ride and was feeling very “OMG I did that!” when I rode into the parking lot, all proud of myself and then promptly fell over. Right in front of my car. Niiiiiiiice!
After I got semi cleaned up I put on running shoes for our little (20 minute) run. Again, my feet and calves felt like absolute concrete. It was torture. I felt like I was about 90 years old and just shuffling, one foot in front of the other. And a few times I had to actually slow even more to a hobble (ie walk), it was so ridiculous. Only when I was close to being finished (about a mile plus) did my feet and legs start feeling like I might be able to run anywhere. So. Note to self: don’t freak if you can’t run. Hopefully this will come at around mile 2 or so.
So in spite of the embarrassing owie at the end, I feel insanely proud (and kind of shocked) at the ride I did today. It’s not something I could have even imagined a week ago. Or yesterday.
Next week: Wetsuit distribution! OPEN WATER SWIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This triathlon training is teaching me so much about myself. Recently I’ve been learning about resistance. Yesterday was supposed to be a swim day. I was sort of planning to sandwich the swim in between work and this dinner party I really wanted to go to. But I got out of work late. I was tired (what else is new?). It was Juniorette’s first day back at crew practice and I knew she would really appreciate a good hearty dinner when she came home. So after work I went grocery shopping, went home and made chili and cornbread (one of her favorites). By that time it was after 7pm. Lily had just texted me saying she was sick and couldn’t make the workout.
Part of me was so, so, so tempted to just say “Oh, nevermind!” and just skip the workout and go straight to the party. Wouldn’t that have been nice? No. I would have felt maybe like I’d gotten away with something. But I would have also felt bad about myself.
I decided to go to the pool and do my workout. Again, I thought that 1) since Lily wasn’t there to push me, and 2) nobody was looking and 3) I wanted to get that party, I would do the shorter Sprint/Developing workout instead of the longer more challenging Fitness level workout. I studied them both pretty hard. The S/D was 1200 yards total, and the Fitness was 2300.
I was in a cranky mood already because I’d of the aforementioned long day, the lack of swim partner, missing the party and LOSING the 4th set of goggles I’ve had since the season began. Jeebus. What is wrong with me? I lose goggles like I lose hairs out of my head. I went to the gym’s front desk and bought the best pair of goggles they have, which are sufficient for keeping out water but also keep me blind as a bat. I need the goggles with the lens correction in them, or I’m hopeless.
I did find a pair of silicon earplugs in my purse, and decided to try them for the first time. This turned out to be a good thing. I liked that kind of insulated feeling, AND of course they did the trick of keeping water out of my ears. Recently I’ve been getting a lot of water in my ears and it HURTS. And is irritating.
Anyway, I got going and after the 12 lengths of warmup I pretty much decided I was going to go for the Fitness workout. I talked to myself underwater. I mean, who was I cheating if I skipped a workout or did the easy short one? ME. And what is my goal here exactly? My goal is to enjoy this triathlon if possible (of whatever length), to not drown or suffer too much during the swim portion of it. (or any portion) So in order to meet that goal it behooves me to do the best I can. As I say to my PT clients every day, “Give it your Safe Maximal Effort.” (ie do the best you possibly can without hurting yourself)
I did the Fitness workout. It took a little over an hour. I took the 10 second rests where dictated. But toward the end there was a 500 yard set, ie 20 lengths without stopping. I didn’t churn it out, but I kept it steady. I wasn’t going at a snail pace. I remember doing a 400 a few weeks ago that almost made me pass out. I do think I am getting stronger. Later I discovered that a mile is 1750 yards. So I did MORE than a mile, albeit with some rests. It felt just fine.
I went home, made some nice Pillsbury chocolate chip cookies (throw in pan, dry hair while they bake, then GO) and went to the party. It was more of a meeting than a party, of very fine Solo Performance minds, and people were taking notes and talking a mile a minute about the recent NY Fringe Festival. It was very stimulating and I was glad I’d gone.
Fast forward to today. Another long day at work. Went out to do hill repeats after 8:45. I was in a terrible, horrible mood! Feeling resistant again! Realizing how very hard it is to do these workouts when I already feel spent from working all day. Especially the days that end at 8:00pm. But I went out there, and I pushed myself up the hill 7x (Developing level tonight!) and done.
All I can say is, if I did not have this training to be accountable to, there is NO WAY IN THE UNIVERSE I would be doing these workouts. No way. So I am so thankful to this training for getting me out there, even when I realllllllllllllly don’t feel like it.
Yesterday was a huge day in tri-training land for me. It was a workout I’d been anticipating with a fair amount of fear, especially considering my meltdown last week. I was very low on the confidence scale and just not sure of my ability to do this.
Set the alarm for 5:30 because we were traveling way up to Napa wine country for our bike/run. Picked up Lily (who had just returned from Mexico hours before, yayyy!) and we headed up.
First we had a little talk from our coach. See how serious everyone is?
I was feeling kind of wimpy when I read this.
So our bike plan was to go about 15-30 miles depending on experience. I was feeling kind of anxious-but-determined about the shoe clip thing. We headed out the parking lot and we were maybe half a block away, at the first stop sign, when coach Mark called out my name and remarked on my less-than-graceful stopping and dismounting style. Uh-oh. Busted.
He then proceeded to give me a private tutorial on balance, stopping and starting right there in the road (actually, the bike line) while the rest of the group rode off into the horizon. Without us. 😦
I had somewhat mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I felt very grateful for the private attention and help. On the other hand, I was so aware of being left behind (and last) and also of being in bicycle remedial school. It was kind of embarrassing. And as we did these drills I felt like I was almost getting worse instead of better. It was the opposite of my session with Mary, when I was OK with the stops but awkward with the starts. Yesterday, I was starting out fine but then I was regressing back into my “slam on the brakes then leap off the bike like it’s on fire” method. No matter what Mark said, it was not sinking into my reptilian brain and I just kept reflexively doing the “jump off while bike is still rolling” thing. It wasn’t pretty.
Finally he realized I wasn’t going to improve all that much and we took off onto the Silverado Trail, which is this long mini-highway that goes through dozens of vineyards in the Napa valley. I kept praying I would not get hit by a giant limo filled with drunk people at 9 in the morning.
Once my feet were clipped in, it felt pretty good. There was a nice wide bike line, the road was pretty much flat, and it just went on in a straightforward way. But I was very aware of coach Mark behind me and even though I was pedaling as fast as my legs would rotate, I wasn’t sure if I was doing the bike equivalent of walking.
There are a few things I need to figure out still. No, a lot of things. But one of them is where to put my butt. If I just sit down “naturally” without thinking about it, I know I am way far forward and it’s all very painful and squishy. But if I really sit BACK on the cushy big part of the seat, it feels weird and strange for my back and arms. Actually, none of it feels super comfortable. So I played around with that for most of the ride.
I was starting to get kind of tired and I could feel my legs aching when YAY we got to the water and fuel stop. YAY!
This is when I made one of the best choices of my workout life. There was a fair spread of snack and beverage choices and I took a big cup of Gatorade (good choice #1 – yay electrolytes) AND a big handful of salty salty pretzels. (BRILLIANT CHOICE) I was in deadly fear of dehydration which has taken me down so many times in the past. I remembered something right then. I remembered that when I have suffered from dehydration (and Junior too) the BIG THING to bring us back from death’s door was — chicken soup. Salty salty chicken soup. And I remembered the cyclists at the Century ride snarfing down the boiled potatoes sprinkled with salt.
I think this made the hugest difference EVER.
Got off on the second half of the ride. Made it back to parking lot. Had to run into the giant food store to go to the bathroom and then changed my shoes.
We were to run a mile out and a mile back on this trail right off the parking lot. I had already psyched myself into accepting that I was going to do run-walk intervals. I was OK with it. I told myself there was no shame in walking, and I just needed to get through the two miles.
I started running. The trail was really beautiful, along a little creek (or was it a river?) and it was nice and woodsy and there were all kinds of people walking and running, including another TNT team who was doing SIX miles before their final tri next weekend. (gulp, one day that will be us!) The run went just fine. I noticed that I was not having any need to walk. I just kept going, and I was so happy to be passing (going the other way) other members of my team. We all slapped hands and gave each other encouragement. I felt so glad to be part of it.
Finally I realized I was only about 1/4 mile out. And I hadn’t walked yet. My Runkeeper told me that my average pace was a 11:40 mile. I was astounded because remember at our first mile, I pushed to a 11:33 mile and thought I was going to DIE? For this one I felt like I was just sort of ambling along at a pretty easy pace. When all of this came together in my head – the fact that I hadn’t walked, that I had done this AFTER a 15 mile ride, and that I had done it at this pace – I got totally overwhelmed. I hit the parking lot and just burst into sobs. I couldn’t stop crying for about five minutes. It was happy tears though.
After everyone got back, a bunch of us went out for breakfast. Normally at this point in a workout I’d be almost catatonic. I’d be shaky and woozy and ready to keel over. Not yesterday. I was soooooo full of energy and just feeling good.
yay team! That's Rachel!
For EVERY SINGLE team workout this season, I’ve had to come home and take a big nap – because of the early wakeup AND because the workouts just knocked me out. But yesterday I came home and did a little Rocky dance and then went out to take care of other stuff. NO NAP. No meltdown or wipeout.
It was the salty pretzels!!
I really feel like this was a HUGE breakthrough, physically and psychologically and even intellectually. I finally understood something about what my body needed. Electrolytes and salt! and it made such a difference in my workout (and POST workout) I can hardly believe it. Whew.
I still have a LOT of practicing to do on the bike with the clips and the on/off. But I feel so much more confident than I did just a week ago. It’s beginning to feel possible.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the word “can’t” lately. Since I started triathlon training, so many of my previously ingrained “can’t” beliefs about myself have been shattered, turned around, evaporated. Some of them are big and some of them are small, but I realize how in many instances, “can’t” has really meant (until now) “prefer not to.” Heh.
For example.
I can’tpreferred not to bike or swim. I can only run.
I can’tpreferred not to ride a bike in traffic or anywhere near cars.
I can’tdidn’t train so that I was able to swim more than 4 lengths of a pool. (ahem: last night swam 76 lengths!)
When I’m swimming, I can’tprefer not to breathe on my left side.
I can’twould rather not but am willing to try to ride a bike with toe clips.
Language makes such a difference doesn’t it? In our heads and in our reality. I can’t even describe how many YEARS (decades) I used to say out loud, “I can’t bike or swim.” Well clearly that isn’t true. But the truth was, I preferred not to, and I CHOSE not to. But it wasn’t that I couldn’t.
This little one about breathing on the left side. Haha. Well, the truth is, that it’s awkward, and I turn my head in an uncomfortable and spazzy way, and I end up sometimes gulping water when I try to breath on my left side. Which is why I most often CHOSE to only breathe on my right side. But our swim coach Angie kept reminding us that it would be a good thing to be able to swim bilaterally because what if we are in open water and the wind and waves are ALL on the right side. That would not be good. So last night during our OYO swim workout I really, really practiced the left sided breathing. It did not feel easy or fun or natural. But at the end of the evening I had not drowned and I had clearly succeeded in doing even awkward, flawed left sided breathing. So I have no business saying “I can’t.”
RIght now I feel myself tending toward thinking things like, “I can’t run six miles after I’ve ridden 24 miles and swam a mile.” I’ve got to stop thinking those thoughts. I’m working on repeating to myself, “I am TRAINING to ride six miles after riding 24 and swimming one, and when the time comes, I WILL BE READY.” I believe I can’t do it today or this week, but I have to have the belief that when November comes I WILL be ready.
Yesterday was one of those days when I was just completely overloaded: emotionally, physically, and every way. It was just TOO MUCH.
It started with a 6am wakeup and then being unable to find my bike shorts OR my swim cap and goggles, which I either left at the pool on Friday OR were taken at the pool. At any rate, they were missing. So I started out in a state of total discombobulation.
I carpooled to the swim/bike site with Lily. When we got there it was freeeeeeeeeeezing. I mean freezing. But thank goodness the water was warm and we got going on our pool workout.
I’d say the swim workout was the best part of the day. It wasn’t easy – I was often out of breath and tired – BUT I felt like I was improving and each small tip they gave us, like tucking our chins down, made a difference in my stroke quality. So that was awesome. The other good thing is that I got moved into the 2nd lane again, so I can feel confident that I am not in the beginner-beginner lane anymore. That made me feel encouraged. So it was a really good workout – probably 75 minutes or so – and I felt good about it.
Then we had to change clothes and get ready for the bike part. It started with a safety clinic and then a lesson in how to change a flat tire. I was noticing during that time that I was almost on the verge of tears and maybe some sort of panic attack (which is not typical for me). Just the thought of all the hazards they were describing were making me so anxious I could barely think. Then we had to take our tire off our bike, open it up and remove the tubing, blow it up with our mouth (!) then replace it and put it back on the bike. This entire process was just so fraught with anxiety for me. I didn’t know the name of anything or have any idea how any of it fit together or worked. I felt like I had been asked to remove the back of my computer and take apart the circuit board. I was a total deer in the headlights. Some of the coaches took mercy on me and kindly helped me out, like every 2 minutes, since I CLEARLY had no clue what I was doing, and I managed to do the whole thing. But it was still so anxiety filled for me. After that, the beginning level riders took off for a short ride but I had to leave to go to San Francisco for the SF Theater Festival where I was performing.
The whole notion of combining a workout day with a performance day was probably very, very bad. When I have a whole team workout, I pretty much collapse and go to bed after. And when I perform, I pretty much need several hours to calm and focus beforehand. So it was sort of a losing setup. I didn’t have time to shower as I had wanted, so I just changed and got in the car with crazy swimcap hair. Which was already a drain on my confidence. Then there was horrible bridge traffic in which I sat motionless for too long, and then my stupid GPS directed me to drive through SF CHINATOWN (ACKKKKKKK the worst place to drive EVER) and I got there with like a minute to spare.
The performance itself was… not my best. First, the amazing Zahra went before me. People kept streaming in through her whole show and we kept adding rows and rows and rows of more chairs. She probably had 100 people in there. Then, she finished, and like… 80 people left. That was… gulp. OK. Kind of demoralizing. So I already had bad hair, and no clue how to end my show, and a measly audience. I got through about 75% of it in strong form (I think) and then I pretty much tanked. It wasn’t the best. I had last tweaked the show for Fitbloggin and I knew I had to do something different, and I just didn’t have it together.
After my show I had to put in 3 hours of volunteer time ushering for the Festival, which was an unpleasant and resentful and exhausted way to spend the late afternoon. I was in a very bad mood.
Finally I came home and keeled over.
Today is a new day. I learned a lot yesterday. I learned that I HAVE to limit my activities or I’m just going to burn out. If I had yesterday to do over, I would have probably:
Chosen one thing or another: the workout OR the performance.
Chosen to perform my other piece which is polished and has a solid ending.
I have to really think about this bicycling thing. The level of fear I felt yesterday (without even going on the ride!!!!!) was overwhelming. I realize that this car/traffic thing for me is NO JOKE. I can’t bear the idea of cycling through a narrow space. (ie between cars) I just can’t.
The triathlon itself is going to be on a closed road with no cars. So I am wondering if I can do my training in areas with no traffic. Because I am damn sure I have NO goals of ever, ever, EVER riding in streets with traffic (for the long run). My goal is to finish the damn triathlon. I just need the skill and endurance to get through the 12 or 24 miles (Sprint or Olympic) in November. That is my ultimate goal. If I am going to train on traffic roads, I am going to need hypnosis or anti-anxiety meds or SOMEthing to get through it. I am really struggling with how I am going to manage this but I’ll be damned if I give up the entire triathlon just because of this fear.
I’ve spent the past several days hiding out in an emotional cave, licking my wounds and trying to turn my head around after the practice tri on Saturday. I pretty spent all day Sunday crying uncontrollably. I cried every time I thought about it.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the word “can’t” lately. Since I started triathlon training, so many of my previously ingrained “can’t” beliefs about myself have been shattered, turned around, evaporated. Some of them are big and some of them are small, but I realize how in many instances, “can’t” has really meant (until now) “prefer not to.” Heh.
foodfoodbodybody 