emotions

Baby it’s COLD Outside!

I don’t know what happened between Friday and Saturday, but suddenly the weather has chilled down like crazy. Yesterday we had our final bike-run-bike-run full team workout. I sort of cluelessly dressed in my regular outfit (bike shorts, sleeveless top and thin windbreaker) but in fact it felt like THIS when we got out to the course.

As we were standing around getting our workout instructions etc., I could see my breath coming from my mouth in clouds. That was crazy. Then we took off on the bikes. Somebody told me it was 46 degrees. That is darn cold to be wearing shorts. Eventually I could feel my core warming up as we rode, but my fingers were like blocks of ice the entire time and they never really warmed up. By the time we got to the run portion, they were completely numb.

It made me think about next weekend. We are going to be SWIMMING in the cold, cold bay and then getting on the bike with dripping wet hair and clothes. I checked the temperature in San Rafael this morning: 39 degrees! OMG! Suddenly I am re-thinking my entire outfit. I think I’m gonna need gloves and maybe those arm and leg warmer things. I don’t know. But I’ve really never encountered cold like we had yesterday. It was wild!

The thing that plagued me most during the workout yesterday was needing a bathroom during the run portions. Man that is so uncomfortable. All I can say is I am happy there will be port o potties available next weekend.

Today is our final open water swim. (yeah, brr) I’m feeling calm about it. I’ll report back later.

October 30, 2011 3

Relief

12:35pm — This is a short phone post. But I’m overwhelmed by relief from my experience this morning. Michelle took me out to Lake Temescal and we had a great swim. It was sooo what I needed. I am so grateful. And I think it’s gonna be okay.

OK, so here’s the longer extended-version of today’s session because it seems a bunch of people have some questions about “What actually did you guys DO out there?”

Well, first of all, I cried like a baby in the car on my entire drive down there. I was terrified and really nervous it was not going to go well. Even my next door neighbor noticed there was something weird about me as I was getting into the car. I was just so wound up because I felt like this was my LAST HOPE (“ObiWan Kenobi, you’re my only hope…”) and if I didn’t have a positive experience it was going to be Game Over.

So I was pretty shaken when I got to the parking lot and Michelle pulled up right next to me. “How are you?” she asked and I was like… “Errr…” It has been a tough week. Starting with the open water swim last weekend. I also had my annual cardiologist appointment this week. He said everything looked terrific, “except your EKG…” It had some funny dips where it was supposed to bump, or vice versa. T-waves. What do I know. (nothing)

He said it COULD be just some good changes that happens when people get more athletic, or it could be.. something else. And given my hyperventilation/shortness of breath nonsense that has been occurring, not to mention some troublesome lightheaded/dizziness stuff as well lately, he said I need to have a treadmill cardiac stress test before the tri. So that’s scheduled for next Friday (um, 2 days before). So that put me into a bit of a worrying state (like I wasn’t already) and it’s just been a domino/snowball effect of anxiety.

We had a bit of a comedy show wriggling into our wetsuits on the beach. That’s always good for some chuckles. There’s nothing more comical than trying to put on a wetsuit.

She said the plan was we’d go into the water, make a plan, etc. We got in about waist deep (BRR! But to be honest, I actually love the feeling of wetsuit in cold water – it’s like, nyah nyah can’t touch me!) and discussed some strategy for race day. I told her my plan was to position in the back of the pack and maybe to the left, since I tend to drift to the right. We discussed this and the course a while and she pretty much convinced me to stay to the right to avoid too much buoy and pier traffic on the turns.

So first we did some back and forth swimming in the super shallow area. (chest high?) So far so good. She asked me how I felt. I said I felt fine because I could pretty much SEE the bottom. Which I think I found reassuring. So they we ventured out beyond the first set of ropes into the “Steep Drop-Off” area. She showed me a little about “bobbing” which is kind of like vertically treading water but without moving. She kept repeating how the wetsuits are going to keep us afloat, and that we can bob like a cork. I found this comforting because that’s my “kayak” position except without holding onto the rope. (that was kind of an “aha!” moment) I can catch my breath MUCH easier when I’m vertical than when I’m on my back (<wheeze position).

Then she asked if I knew about “head up” swimming – which is like doing freestyle but with (duh) head out of water. I said no. Which is weird. I see people doing this in tri videos all the time but I’ve never tried it or learned about it. I actually like it much better than the other “recovery” strokes – breast or side stroke, both which seem to make me more anxious. So I practiced that a bit and I liked it. She said that if I get all out of breath that I should try that for 3-4 strokes and see how it feels for recovery. Then she asked me what my strategy was going to be, mind-wise, while swimming. I said I was going to mentally count to 10 over and over, and I was also going to use a mantra that the wonderful Annelise suggested to me: Exhale on “gentle” and inhale on “kind.” What two better words could there be? As it turned out they were much better and more effective than last week’s “You got this.” (you can’t really ARGUE with “gentle and kind” can you??)

So then we ventured out into the REALLY deep water (like, 20+ feet?). After you can’t touch the bottom anymore, it doesn’t really mattter if it’s 20 feet or 200. There are some lane lanes out there in the middle of the lake and the plan was to do one big rectangle, using all my strategies. I took off. I think about 3/4 of the way around I started getting that “I’m tired I want to rest” feeling. But I just slowed down and counted. And before I knew it we were back in the corner again, bobbing. No death rattle of doom! No panic! And no need to ever stop, I didn’t even use the head-up method.

I told her that I had gotten that “uh oh” feeling a few times, but that each time I was able to count it down or slow down or “gentle-kind” myself back to just swimming. We went back and forth (60 yards I think) about 4-5 times. Which is about 300 yards? Maybe 500 total given the shorter ones before. Not a huge distance but definitely the longest I have ever gone in open water without having the Bad Feeling. I felt like I could go more. But I didn’t really have to.

I was so happy when we got out of the water. Part of me was disappointed that I hadn’t actually HAD the Death Rattle Wheeze, but of course part of me was enormously relieved. To be honest I’ll be happy if I never have that feeling again.

So, a bunch of major good things happened:

1. Long, uneventful swim in open water.

2. Learned a couple of good “recovery” techniques: bobbing and head-up freestyle.

3. I had a positive experience! So now I can build on that and let go of the bad one from last weekend.

YAY. I feel a million times better than I have all week. I feel so much more confident. I feel like… that triathlon is definitely in my reach now. And I have to say, I have been to see many a therapist about many a fear/bad feeling/etc. And this is the first time that someone actually TOOK me to my scary place (quite literally) and worked it out with me. I am really so grateful. I need this so very badly. Woo hoo and thank you to Michelle, sports psychologist awesomeness.

October 28, 2011 10

I Lied About Not Crying

cryingbag — Image by privatenobby via Flickr

I wrote in my last post that I wasn’t going to cry. But… yesterday I did indeed cry. I was doing my run workout and as I was running, these thoughts floated through my head.

“It’s a good thing that another commitment prevented me from running with the team because I know I’d be the slowest one AND I really need/want to run with music today.” I clutched my earbuds to my head a little more closely. It was like Linus’ security blanket, running with my comforting music.

“I kind of can’t wait for This to be over.” This meaning triathlon training, of course.

“I really miss some of the other things I used to do for exercise.” Like seeing my beloved trainer (not since July!), going to Nia class, going for beautiful hikes, just walking with friends or whatever.

“I feel like I’m 9 months pregnant.” This was a sort of amusing and sort of horrifying thought. I realized that I was looking at the upcoming triathlon the way I anticipated labor when I was pregnant: an extremely painful and difficult event that would end up with a great outcome. (although, I laughed to myself, I’ll still be able to sleep in! especially on weekends! after the tri)

“No wonder they call these ENDURANCE events.” Then it hit me: I am really just enduring this. I am enduring the workouts and the practices and I feel like I am going to be gritting my teeth and using every last fiber of determination to get through that event. Is that what it’s supposed to be about?

I know it’s supposed to be “fun.” I mean some things have been fun. The social part. Meeting my awesome workout buddy and other members of the team. But I can’t really say that most of the workouts have been “fun.” They’ve been hard, grueling, challenging and sometimes ultimately rewarding. But not fun.

I thought about what I say to new Weight Watchers members every single week when I talk about exercise. “Find something that you LIKE to do. Find something that is fun, that you really look forward to.”

It was then that I burst into huge sobs as I was running, and I was gulping, “Wh-wh-why are you DOING this to me?” (you meaning me AND me) I was all, “This is NOT FUN!”

Then I stood at the side of the beautiful Bay and sobbed a bunch of snotty sobs into the wind. I was feeling verrrrrrrrry sorry for myself.

Today I went back to the sports psychologist and rehashed the whole thing. She was very patient. She’s a great listener, and good at teasing out the little moments. She reminded me of several things to feel good about. And then she offered something which I truly think is going to be the make it or break it session: we’re going to meet IN OPEN WATER in the lake near my house. In wetsuits. She said, “I’m not going to be your kayak.” (meaning she won’t rescue me) She said she was going to be with me to see WHAT HAPPENS in those moments when/if I start being unable to breathe. I really feel like this is my last hope. I have only one weekend left, and then it’s showtime.

I am so incredibly grateful and scared and hopeful and freaked out.

temescal — Image by miracle adult via Flickr

October 24, 2011 14

I’d Like to Schedule an Open Water Lobotomy, Please

Today I did another mini triathlon although it wasn’t my original intent really. My intent had been to get another open water swim in, this one organized by a private group called TriMoreFitness. It was taking place at the actual Marin Triathlon swim course and after last week, I felt like I really need to get back in there and also have another go at open water.

I was feeling so prepared. I’d gone to see the sports psychologist and we’d had a fabulous and what felt like very helpful session. Last night I swam a mile in the pool and felt so incredibly relaxed and happy the whole time. I felt like I was doing everything possible to make this go right.

Sigh.

I admit, it went “righter” in many ways than last time. But still it was not what I had hoped.

This is the course. I know it’s sort of hard to visualize, but this is what we did.

So we started at the point marked “Olympic Swim Start.” First we got in and got our faces wet and practiced floating on our backs for a while. That was pretty relaxing. I checked in with myself. So far so good. The first kayak paddled out about even with the end of the pier. Man, it looked tiny and far. (first flutter of anxiety as I noticed this) Then it was time to go. I tried to really focus on going SLOW (the coach instructed us to go what felt like “embarassingly slow” and I was glad to comply). I think I was about half way to the pier when my brain kicked in with, “I need a rest.” I flipped over on my back. Already? This was kind of annoying. But whatever. I breathed. When I turned over I noticed the huge and growing gap between me and the vast majority of swimmers. There was one guy behind me with the other kayak I think.

I kept going. It was sort of swim, rest, swim, rest until I got to the pier. I was happy to get there. But then I noticed this weird… “What the heck?” feeling. I was caught in a fishing line. For a second I felt like a fish. It was like walking into a spiderweb (ack! no! What is that??) but stronger. I was really hoping there was no fish on the other end of it.

So, that rattled me. The coach came by on his standup paddleboard and kind of guided me off and away from the pier. He was reassuring. I set my sights on the first buoy beyond the pier (there were 3 total, and after the third we were to sort of make a sharp U-turn to shore). But by then my breathing was all messed up. I’d swim like two strokes then my body would almost involuntarily flip over, like, HELL NO this isn’t working.

My sighing was also messed up and I realized I was relying on the coach to kind of point the way. Which he did. But then he started talking to me and gesturing and I couldn’t really hear him because I had earplugs in. It seemed important (and potentially lifesaving). So I wrestled one earplug out and tossed it in the water. (sorry for the litter) He was saying something about swimming with one arm. At this point my brain was kind of scrambled. Like seriously scrambled. I had no idea what this meant even though he was gesturing. He could have been speaking Swahili. I tried the one-arm thing and then he said “Face down!” and I was like, “Ohhhhhhhh man I am just screwing up right and left!” I know he was really trying to help me get more relaxed and save energy and all that but I was seriously stressing at this point.

That’s when the wheezy, death-rattle breathing started up. Oh GREAT. I was talking myself the entire time, saying my “You’ve got this!” mantra. But at this point another voice came up, somewhere around my strangled lungs, and responded, “I don’t believe you!” So that’s what was going on. Some crazy Gollum/Smeagal death match in the Bay.

I didn’t know what to do other than just roll over and try and get my composure. But I remembered last week the instruction to “Just keep moving” so I was fluttering my feet and arms like snow/water angel formation. The coach was like, “STAY STILL!” because he wanted me to conserve oxygen and get a grip. But I was now confused as well as freaked out. I heard him say the work “kayak” and that was it.

Suddenly I wanted that kayak and I wanted it BAD. So the kayaker came over and she was very kind and patient and I grabbed the rope thing. I had really, really, reallllllllllllllllllllly wanted to complete this swim without kayak aid. But here we were. She began paddling toward shore and I kicked and she pulled me a long for a while (I have no idea. 50 yards? 100?) until I realized I could breathe. I made some conversation. I said, ‘Oh man, what if this happens to me during the event?” And she said, “No problem, you just go to shore and go do your bike and run.” And I was like, WHAT? Even if If don’t go all the way around the 3rd buoy? And she insisted no, “the swim can be whatever length you can do” and I was like, “Huh!” This was a glimmer of hope and possibility. I swam alongside the kayak and for a little while it felt almost as good as in the pool. I got back to shore.

I think I swam out to the 2nd buoy, which was about halfway between the pier and the turnaround buoy. Which was about 3/4 of the way, more or less. Maybe 2/3. Better than last weekend’s halfway.

So. The good thing about today’s swim is that I went farther. I only hung on the kayak once, as opposed to like half a dozen times.

The bad things were getting tangled in fishing line, getting freaked out by not hearing/understand the coach’s instructions, and the Bad Phase in which I had dueling voices in my head and could only swim two strokes at a time.

I was not the last person out of the water because most of the people did their complete swim, ie around the 3rd buoy. Which would naturally take longer.

After the swim, Lily and I had a rather leisurely transition onto our bikes (which had been locked in my car) and we did one loop of the bike course. My chain slipped off two times. (Lily helped the first time and the 2nd time I put it back on myself, yay for that) I was more tired on this bike ride than any of the other three times I’d done it. I realized I hadn’t really had anything to drink or eat after the swim, and I didn’t drink while on the bike either. (I better get used to that Camelbak) I was pooped. After I got back down we hustled into our running shoes and went up to the run course.

Both of us realized pretty soon that we really, really needed to pee. Which is a not-good feeling when trying to run. It’s almost like having an injury. At the very least it’s extremely distracting. So a lot more walking than usual went on.

That was our mini triathlon of this weekend. I keep telling myself the ways in which it’s going to be better on Race Day for a variety of reasons.

Right now I am really kind of looking forward to completing this season. I’m disappointed that my mental training did not yield a calmer swim than what I had. But I’m glad that I accomplished what I did today and I’m going to move forward. No crying today or tomorrow.

October 22, 2011 2

Coming Out of the Cave

I’ve spent the past several days hiding out in an emotional cave, licking my wounds and trying to turn my head around after the practice tri on Saturday. I pretty spent all day Sunday crying uncontrollably. I cried every time I thought about it.

Then I got an email from sports psychologist Michelle Cleere (who magically came into my life this month!) saying she really thought I could do the Olympic and that she would help me. I met with her on Wednesday which was immensely helpful. Problem is I have not been able to get back into the freaking water since then. Last night I was supposed to go with Lily and about a minute before heading out we had our 2nd earthquake of the day. Not a little one. Which led to freakout of her dog, ourselves and various family members. By the time everyone calmed down (sort of) it was too late. So today it’s do or die! I am eager to try out what Michelle suggested to me. In the meantime I am setting about making several dozen “YOU GOT THIS” post-it notes to put in all corners of the house.

What did she suggest? Well, both mental and physical things. One thing that came out when I was recapping the open water swim was that I was breathing with every stroke. When I’m in the pool, I breathe every 2 or 3. I was really aware of this in the open water, and TRYING to get myself to breathe less often, but it wasn’t happening. Michelle said that this changeup, physiologically could have added to my hyperventilation issue (just not having enough oxygen and having periodic “can’t breathe” episodes in between fine regular swimming). She recommended that I start practicing swimming with the “every stroke breath” technique in the POOL so that it is less of a stressful transition. Many people I speak to say that they breathe every stroke and sometimes this is just necessary in OW. I’ve watched some tri videos recently and the top people do seem to breathe constantly. OK .

In addition I am working very hard at thinking positively, about the great progress I made since the start of the season (when I could barely swim 2 lengths of the pool). I am going to do a long pool workout today, and then tomorrow a course preview swim practice with another triathlon training group (my team is doing bike run which will probably also be a big benefit, but I need to NAIL this swimming thing and soon). I am working at a ton of self-talk and how to deal with that huge “I CAN’T” voice in my head.

I can’t thank you all enough, you who posted and commented and emailed and sent me good vibes this past week. It has meant the world to me. It was a rough thing, but I’m ready to get back in it now and do what I can do.

In other news: Today is the day to sign up for the next season of Team in Training for just $10! Yahoo! I just picked up the phone (call 800-78-TRAIN) and signed up for a Yosemite Snowshoe Hike for February 2012. One, it will get me into the Triple Crown club at TNT (three separate sports) and I am all about these sorts of bling/reward things. I want to be a Triple Crown! Plus, what could be more beautiful than snowshoeing in Yosemite?

October 21, 2011 9

Triathlon: the STUFF (or, Having a Gear Meltdown)

Wow, doing a triathlon sure involves a lot of STUFF. Stuff to keep track of, and in the right order, and… aghhhh! Want to know what’s in my pile?

wetsuit
tri suit
sports bra
Bodyglide
silicon ear plugs
swim cap
goggles
bike shoes
socks
bike helmet
GU chomps
water bottle
bike gloves
running shoes
hat

Tomorrow is our coached super-sprint practice triathlon. What is a supersprint? It’s more than a sprint and less than an Olympic: 1/2 mile swim, 17 mile bike ride, 4 mile run. EEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

I had ordered a special Team in Training two-piece tri suit for the big event, and we found out this week that it will NOT be ready by tomorrow. So today was all about scrambling for stuff to wear. Until now, we’d been doing leisurely transitions involving locker rooms and bathrooms and such. But tomorrow we are going to be learning all about Transition (what some people call the 4th sport of the triathlon, and also what I remember as the most painful part of labor and giving birth). We are not going to go into any locker room, we’re doing it all out in the Transition Area, just like we will for the Real Event. Coach Haakon sent us this video to study. Which made me kind of nauseated with anxiety.

First thing I need to attend to was getting a tri suit. I asked my friend Mary if I could borrow hers. She had just gotten one and WON in her age division in See Jane Tri, her first triathlon, (!!!!!!!!!!!) and I knew it had a bunch of good mojo in it. I went and picked it up around 4pm today. I held it up. Squinted at it. Hmmmm. I suddenly felt a rush of doubt. I went to my local sports store. They had NOTHING I needed. No tri equipment. No springy shoelaces. No Bodyglide. OK, that store SUCKS.

Then I drove to the big discount store (*cough* Sports Authority *cough*) about 20 minutes away. This place is huge and yet it is full of useless crap. Again, NO tri wear whatsoever. Come ON. I brought Mary’s tri suit into the dressing room and confirmed that NO WAY was it my size. I mean I could zip it up if I did not breathe at all, but I was in danger of splitting it wide open if I so much as moved one muscle. I was getting really upset at this point.

I realized that I was used to the phenomenal thorough wonderfulness that is Sports Basement, which also gives TNT athletes a nice discount, and I could not believe the lameness of these other stores. I checked my phone. There is a SB in San Francisco (8 miles away but during rush hour! Over the bridge! NOOOOOO!) and one in Walnut Creek (14 miles away, also gnarly traffic). I felt very discouraged and overwhelmed and my sense of preparedness was out the window. I texted Lily. She recommended REI, which is in Berkeley. Brilliant girl!!! But first I called them. They were great. Not only did they have tri clothing, it was on SALE.

I went up to north Berkeley. There was a nice rack of discounted tri clothes at REI. I decided to get a 2 piece because the unitard style just looks insanely horrible on me. I also got some new silicon ear plugs and some elastic shoelaces.

I made my little/big pile. I ate my pasta dinner and drank a bunch of water as directed. I’m going to bed at 9:30pm and reading a bunch of the Mental Training book as bedtime reading. Then I get up and Do the Damn Thing, as coach says.

I was going to write about how freaking nervous I feel but decided to do some positive self-talk instead.

I am prepared.

I have been dedicated at completing my workouts as instructed.

I trust my coaches.

I am ready.

When I am in the water, my father will be with me.

I am going to DO THIS tomorrow.

October 15, 2011 3

This Is Your Brain on Triathlon

I knew when I signed up for this that this event was going to be as much of a psychological challenge as a physical one. I was not mistaken in this. The psychological and emotional obstacles have been HUGE and sometimes even debilitating. After my first open water swim I was not at all sure I could even continue.

But continue I have, and I have been putting as much time into my training my psyche as I have training my body. If there is ANY tool or resource I can find to help me in this area, I am trying to use it.

At the “Stories of the Body” retreat last weekend, I utilized several of the guest artist activities to help me in my tri efforts. At Bethany’s “Bodymindfull” workshop, I created a triathlon dance in which I danced my way through the swim, bike and run. I envisioned them happening with ease and joy. Then in the collage workshop I made a triathlon collage with random pictures I found in magazines and calendars. I LOVED the image of the nuns rowing on the water. It just gave me immediate comfort. I won’t be alone out there. Some holy presence will be there protecting me.

My wonderful retreat participants blessed and gifted me with a little Quan Yin figurine which I immediately took with me on my tri course bike ride. Another source of protection and support. Knowing she was in my bike pouch really was calming and reassuring.

One of my Team in Training teammates recommended a booked called The Triathlete’s Guide to Mental Training– I ordered it on Amazon within about 30 seconds! and have read about half of it already. The chapters on Confidence, Emotions and Intensity are really helping me. (thank you Katherine!)

Yesterday, Lily and Vince and I went out to bike the tri loop again. It felt really good. I felt strong and I loved the course – hilly but not too steep. It felt so reassuring to get out there and feel what it’s actually going to feel like. I can do this!!

Today was the first big coached workout I’ve had in two weeks. We did about 90 minutes in the pool which included some fascinating tri open water “simulation.” First they had us warming up, all bunched together in two lane lines. All the thrashing bodies smushed together in the water. It did indeed bring up, even in 4 feet depth, the anticipated anxiety. But then we got through the next phase, of pushing hard to get out of that crowd, then finding a race pace that was sustainable, and finally a push toward the end. It was so helpful.

Then we had a six mile run. My last attempt at running six miles (after the open swim) was NOT a happy experience, and I was determined to find redemption on this run. I challenged myself to run for the FIRST TIME EVER without my earbuds and music. I love running with my music. It calms me, it keeps me at a good pace, and it keeps me from hearing the sound of my own panting (which just makes me upset and nervous). But I know that earbuds are most likely going to be prohibited during the race itself and I wanted to get used to doing without. I wasn’t sure how this was going to go.

Incredibly, as soon as I began running, the music started going in my head. I’ve listened to those songs over hundreds of miles and you know, they are so hardwired into me at this point. I don’t know every single song lyric, but I was able to hum/sing most of my repertoire through the majority of my run. Which included a bunch of hills and challenging trail stuff. I walked up the hills and ran the rest of it. When I was coming down the hill toward the group at the end, I was so excited about finishing 6 miles (race distance) that I was all set to hold up six fingers for the camera. The camera guy was not aiming at me when I finished and then I heard coach Haakon say, “That was about 5.5 miles.” WHAT?? I didn’t finish my six? Teammate Alison said, “let’s do the last half mile.” She was sorta kidding sorta not, but I said “YEAH let’s do it!” and we ran out and completed the last half, just so we’d know we could do the whole six. YEAH! HIGH FIVE! (high six?)

When the workout was done I was pretty overjoyed. I was jumping up and down. I didn’t feel depleted or sick or horrible. Which meant a couple things: one, my bug from last week must be GONE from my body, and two, I think I’m getting better! I’m going to be prepared!

October 10, 2011 3

Seeking the Comfort Zone

It’s no exaggeration to say that last weekend’s open swim REALLY FREAKED ME OUT. It had me to the point where I was seriously questioning this whole triathlon idea. I was in Doubtville, big time.

So this week I have been treading a fine line between trying to take care of myself psychologically and emotionally while still trying to prepare myself physically. After tiptoeing into little Lake Temescal on Monday, I gratefully took a rest day on Monday. I needed to rest my psyche.

Tuesday we were supposed to go back in the pool. I was a little perplexed by this but I am an obedient athlete so I did what the coach said, which was:

I just wanted to make a plug to continue to do your pool workouts, even as we transition to practicing open water. You *really* must continue to get in the pool and do the full workouts, as it will help your stroke and will help you get in more distance. (When you are not used to open water, you often just do less than you need to). Practicing out there is awesome and great, but don’t neglect the the pool!

Hmm okay. So we went back to the pool. Oh my goodness. It was so warm! and clean! and clear and well lit! The lines were so straight and visible! It was like plunging back into the arms of my mother. On one hand, it felt wonderful. On the other hand, I was on the verge of a little tantrum the whole time, saying, “But open water doesn’t feel like this! It’s not faiiiiiiiiiiiiiiir!” I was upset about all the weeks of training, when I’d been feeling so much more comfortable and then BAM! I can’t swim five strokes without having an attack. I felt like I’d been duped, tricked by the pool and that all I had done was build up false confidence. So I swam in the pool, and it felt good, but inside I was feeling dubious still.

The next day was hill repeats. I did the steeeeeeeeeep hill right near my house. I got it over with as quick as I could. Enough said.

Thursday I was tired. I looked at the next 4 days’ workout and got kind of overwhelmed. We were supposed to do a one hour 11-15 mile bike ride followed by a 20 minute run. I came home from work to get my bike and I was soooooooo tired. SO TIRED. I took a little nap. I really could not fathom doing this workout, let alone doing it alone. But we were having house guests so it was a “now or never” situation. I went down to the Estuary Bay Trail where Juniorette was practicing crew. Going along the water where she was rowing brightened me up immediately. I knew that she was in one of those boats and it just made me feel happy.

I took the same path that Mr. McBody and I did the first day I got on a bike in a gazillion years. I went all the way to the end and was like, WOW that was a long ride! But my BikeMeter app said it was only 3 miles. Oh man. So I got back on and just did major loops all around the Bay Trail. Finally I got back to the boathouse and it was at 11 miles! Part of me felt like a super wimp because I had just rode on a pancake flat trail with no traffic, but part of me was like, it’s OK, you kept your butt on the seat for an hour.

I realized it had taken me an hour to ride 11 miles. Which means I was averaging 11 miles per hour. Which is insanely slow. Then I did some more math and realized if I doubled that to the distance of the bike portion of the Olympic tri, then, um, yes, 22 miles would take TWO HOURS. Then I mentally added in the swim and the run and I had the extremely sinking feeling of realizing that this race could very well take me FIVE HOURS. Oh. My. God.

Okay, I can’t think about that now. If it takes me five hours, so be it. I just want to finish. But that was a sad little reality check.

Now it’s today. OPEN WATER SWIM. (cue “Jaws” soundtrack) Part of me was anxious and part of me just wanted to get back IN again, this time in the Bay, and see what was going to happen. I was feeling bolstered by my Lake Temescal swim and my pool swim.

First there was awful traffic. Then I got lost. Finally I got to the beach and there were 3 team buddies there. I wriggled into my wetsuit and jumped in. Man! Cold. For just a minute though. It wasn’t so bad.

We started swimming parallel to the beach, in not-so-deep water, just to get the feel of it. Suddenly it felt verrrrrry different. For one, I felt SUPER buoyant. Yay salt water! Yay rubber wetsuit! It was almost like wearing a life preserver, I felt so floaty. THEN it was that salt water taste. It’s not yummy, but for me it was… childhood.

Miami Beach. Every summer since I was a baby. My father and mother and grandmother swimming with me back and forth. I didn’t mind the salt.

I just relaxed. I could feel my father with me. I just swam and swam. The breathing was easy. I went in a straight line. No hyperventilating. No fear. I just swam.

Ahh.

September 24, 2011 9

Back in the Saddle/Water

I knew that if I didn’t do something FAST to counteract the terror of yesterday that I was going to be in deep trouble. So today I made a plan to swim at Lake Temescal with Lily and my bike friend Mary. It turned out to be a really hot day out so even though we brought our wetsuits we knew we would be broiling, no matter how cold the water.

You can click on the lake picture above to see how it’s set up. There’s the shallow part, which goes to the orange floaters. Then it drops off and gets really deep (“really” = anything over my head). There’s a lane line where people can do laps way out yonder. That looked kind of nifty from the parking lot.

But my objective today was to get comfortable swimming again. It was to avoid having a panic attack at all costs. So basically what we ended up doing was lots of laps back and forth on the “deeper” side of the orange floaters. It was mostly over my head, but I knew that all I had to do was splash over that rope and I’d be standing up again. Which I really psychologically needed.

The first length was kind of a shocker, it was pretty cold and I could feel my heart racing. But it wasn’t HAMMERING. And I wasn’t having an all out panic. I was tired, and sort of out of breath when I got to the end, but I wasn’t like dying. I did a bunch of laps back and forth and each time it got a little better. The last few times, we did two lengths (back and forth) without stopping. That felt just fine.

I’m feel like I’m taking little baby steps (strokes?). I am back at square one. I’m going to have to build from here. But I accomplished my goal for today, which was to find my way back to some sort of comfort zone. Next time, we push it just a few feet more. Then a little more. Baby steps.

September 19, 2011 9

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