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Susan

writer, memoirist, foodie

Good Day

I had a good day today, foodwise. I really did not struggle at all. I had a small breakfast then went up to visit the camp site where the camp I coordinate will be held this summer. It’s a new place, and I needed to check it out. One of the many reasons we switched sites is that the food at the old site was terrible, healthwise. It was basically pure, heavy carbs most meals with few options, iceberg lettuce, Kool-Aid… etc. This camp is the pinnacle of my year, both in terms of how exciting it is but also with stress. It’s great, but it’s also 24/7 stress for 6 days. Normally I eat like a HOG at camp, piling up the food just so I can stay grounded and not explode. Last year I think I gained 4 lbs at camp. I always gain weight there.

We were invited to have lunch at the new site today. First there was a big “buffet” (not a massive one, just for the lunch offerings). The main entree was grilled chicken breasts (how perfect is THAT) which you could make into sandwiches, so there was a big pan of chicken with really nice spices, then it had rolls and lettuce and cheese. I didn’t make a sandwich. Also, big pans of grilled veggies (NICE!!!) and other stuff. THEN an enormous salad bar with spring mix lettuce! not just iceberg!! and a huuuuuge array of salad toppings, real high quality stuff like garbanzos, kidney beans, cucumber, broccoli, tomatoes, onions, shredded cheeses, olives. It went on and on. They also had a soup bar which they say is available at every meal.  SO in the event that they do not have a good choice for the entree, I can always have soup and/or salad. I am so psyched. Because even if I am a stressball at camp, I can make decent choices and not just hog out on Sloppy Joes.

I am one of those people who actually does not mind gross high-school cafeteria style food. I love Sloppy Joes, and mac and cheese (of course) and all manner of stuff that most people would never touch. Well, no more. I’m not touching it any more.

So I had a very lovely warm grilled chicken salad for lunch, and I was very happy!

THEN I went to a big parents’ meeting for my daughter’s sports team. I gave a brief presentation and was all full of adrenaline. I saw a bunch of old friends and was all buzzy with energy. There were FOUR TABLES of DESSERTS at this thing. Just piled HIGH: brownies, cookies, dips, chips, cake, you name it. Normally I would have hoovered through this thing, especially being all wired up from speaking. But what did I have, folks? Nothing! NOTHING! I was very proud of myself. I wasn’t even remotely tempted or feeling resentful or sad about not being able to eat anything. I just sailed on past.

I was hungry by the time I got home. I didn’t want to cook. My family and I went to a fancy-ish Italian restaurant nearby. I ordered a bowl of mushroom soup. It had cream in it, was really rich, and so delicious. I had like 1/3 of the bowl and then gave the rest away. I was starting to feel full just from that small amount. Then I had a beautiful salad of crabmeat, red peppers, papaya, onions, lettuces and a tiny bit of avocado. It was insanely good but again, I felt full (!!! shrinking stomach!!) and only ate about half. My mother kept giving me concerned looks. “Is that all you’re going to eat??” “Is that your DINNER?” but I just smiled serenely. I was really happy with the whole thing. The food was yummy but I never got uncomfortably full. I drank a couple glasses of water.

So that was my eating day. I felt really happy about it. Maybe I am getting the hang of this, a little bit!

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Choices

Basically, that’s the bottom line, isn’t it? Making choices every minute of the day. Paper or plastic, pasta or pickles…

I have some tough choices coming up this weekend.  I decided to organize that Hill challenge on Sunday, and then I was going to go to meet an longtime online friend, who is here from across the country. Some other friends organized a brunch for her at this fancy seafood place. I thought this fancy place was 15 minutes from my house, and I scheduled accordingly, but as it turns out, they ALSO have a restaurant an hour away.

It’s at the one an hour away.

So. I could

1) cancel the Hill challenge. (NO WAY!!!!!!!)

2) I could go late to the brunch.

3) I could send my regrets and not go to the brunch and try to figure out a different way to meet up with said friend.

What do you think I should do? I am going to do the right thing. I am doing #3. At first it seemed easy and all worked out. But I am also hosting another social event that same night, and do I need two entire social temptations in one day? No I do not. I am NOT going to skip or cut short the hill thing.

But I imagined myself rushing down to this restaurant, being all stressed out, feeling awkward because I am arriving so late, and thus… wanting to EAT TOO MUCH or the wrong thing. No thanks.

It’s not worth it, is it? When I really think about it, the choice is so obvious and easy and clear. And now, think of all the calories and money and gas and time I will save by not going.

I’m sad to not see this friend but I hope it will work out together to see her another time.

I can’t tell you, that 8x out of 10 I would have done option #2 (OR, heaven forbid, #1) and that, dear friends, is how I got to be overweight and medically compromised.

2

A Dreaded Little Plateau and a Big Hill

I hope it’s little. I hope it doesn’t last too long. But the scale has not budged since I got home from vacation, and I am sad about this. I am trying not to be too sad or to let it get me down. What does Dr. Beck say about this?

She says,

You should expect occasional weight gains or plateaus, even if you’ve been doing everything right.

I’m not sure I’ve been doing everything right. I can certainly step it up especially in the exercise department. One thing I’ve done that I’m very proud of is that I organized a Hill Challenge, climbing the hill that is my nemesis and which I HATE with a passion. But I am thinking, maybe I can make that hill my friend. I would love to be able to climb that hill without feeling like I am dying.

I organized an Event on Facebook and invited a bunch of people to come. Three people signed up! So I can’t back down. I am actually shocked that I have done this; that I am voluntarily doing something that I normally dread. BUT I have a secret hope that since I am 9 lbs lighter than the last time I did the hill, it will feel somewhat better or somewhat less awful this time. I also hope my friends don’t hate me for introducing them to this form of torture.

2

The Company We Keep

I was thinking about the fact that I ate more than I should/wanted to when I was on that boat, and my husband was not around.  When he is with me I worry about what he’s thinking and end up eating less, or more healthfully. To impress him? That’s not good.

On the other hand, when I am with my mom I tend to give myself permission to eat everything in sight and to make the worst choices, because that is what she does.  She definitely played a large role in my habit of eating to squelch emotion, eating to celebrate, eating when sad or bored or tired or depressed or angry. I’m not blaming her, I’m just saying… this is where it started, and how I learned to pass it on to my poor unwitting next generation as well. Even now (or maybe especially now) she will always choose the richest, meatiest, chocolatiest, thing on the menu. Maybe because she is in her 80s and she thinks, why deprive now? She has never been on a diet as far as I can remember, except right after her open heart surgery when her cardiologist made her go on a diet. My father pretty much administered it and she was very angry and resentful about the stuff she couldn’t eat.  After a few years she just kind of ignored it and I think ate even more as a bounce-back.

Anyway. We will all eat with all kinds of people with their own food issues, all the time. And the thing that is important is to keep grounded in our own plan, our own commitment to what we are going to eat or not eat.  In the past, I’ve been with people who ate like birds, and it made me nervous and panicky, and want to eat even more. Or else I would get in some stupid, silent “I can eat just as little as you!” competition.  That then backfired as soon as I was out of their sight.

I’ve been lucky that nobody has really tried to push food on me since I’ve started this. A friend came over for dinner and brought a beautiful looking pound cake but I wasn’t tempted and she was also really sweet and apologetic, and the people who could eat the cake enjoyed it. (guess who? Mom!) I think it’s a lot easier to say you are on a diet for medical reasons than for vanity reasons because if you just say you want to be thinner, people say, Oh you look just fine!

I am almost relieved that I have this medical “excuse” to fall back on. But really, we all do. We all need to be healthier and more conscious.

How do the people around you affect your eating habits? And how do you deal with it? (if at all) Foodie wants to know!

2

Reality Check

Back home now, to the Home Scale. So there was good news and bad news. The bad news is that it didn’t reveal that I’d lost six lbs on vacation, like the scale in the fitness center said. More like two. But I also consider that great news; to be able to lose two pounds on vacation where I was constantly eating in restaurants or at buffets and even had some slip ups. And two pounds is really what I consider “real weight” and not water-weight or other factors. I was suspicious of that huge “loss” anyway so I am not massively disappointed. I feel like now that I am home I can get to the real work.

2

Buffet: Learning From Mistakes

I made a bunch of ’em today, mistakes that is. I started out pretty well. I knew that I was going on a boat all day that included a lunch buffet. I took myself out to breakfast (I am on vacation, remember, so it’s hard to cook here) and got a really good spinach/olive/onion omelet. And only ate half. I didn’t want to let myself get too hungry because I had no idea or control what was going to be on the buffet, and I didn’t want to be in a situation where I’d be starving and just eat everything.

So the lunch buffet opened on the boat. (we were whale-watching) I had just done an hour of snorkeling which I would guess would be equivalent to about 20 minutes of stairmaster or elliptical. It was tough flippering through rough waters! I was pretty hungry.

The buffet had some yummy pulled pork, some grilled teriyaki chicken, rice, white rolls, macaroni salad, and a full bar of complimentary alcoholic drinks. I remembered that my book said that one of the key “sabotaging thoughts” or things that allow us to overeat is, “It’s free.” No, not really free, because we already paid an arm and a leg to COME on the boat.

It was easy to pass up the alcohol. I’d already made that decision, and the drinks looked not so great. That was easy. Ditto on the rice and rolls. I took a bunch of pork, and some chicken. Then (WHY WHY WHY?) I also scooped up a bit, maybe 1/4 cup max, of the macaroni salad. I am still trying to break down that moment. I have not had simple carbs since the day I started this blog.

I took my plate and ate the pork. It was delicious. Then the chicken. I thought for  a second, wouldn’t it be great if I just threw away the plate with the macaroni on it? YES, it would have been awesome! I would have felt so proud of myself! But I did not. When everything else on the plate was gone, I took a little bite of the macaroni. It was gooooood. Then I ate it all.

Then I went back and got 2nds on the pork and a little bit of chicken. Then I circled the boat and did it AGAIN. (I did not get any more macaraoni either time though) And then I felt mad and pissed off and disappointed and too full for the rest of the afternoon. I mulled it over and over.

It had something to do with this buffet mentality.

I think it also had something to do with the fact that my husband was not on the boat. If he had been, there is NO WAY I would have had thirds.  I mean just no way. I wouldn’t have even had seconds.  So I have to admit that part of what was going on was some sort of “getting away with it” thinking which just made me feel like CRAP.

Sometimes I make him out in my head to be the Food Police, and then I rebel against him. But it’s all imaginary nonsense.  I have to be my OWN Food police, or really Food Angel, doing right by myself. Because “getting away with it” did not feel like getting away with anything except feeling terrible.

Someone near and dear to me asked me, “Was it worth it?” and the answer is an unequivocal great, big NO. No, a thousand times no. And may I learn from that.

Guess what, we went to a buffet for dinner too!! Agh. But this was easier. I was ready. I was dying of thirst because I’d ingested a ton of salt water on the ocean. I had three HUGE glasses of ice water, a cup of tomato soup (good) and a salad. I tried some fish and some chicken, but I didn’t like them so I left them after one bite. Still, I was sloshing full by the time we left. I think it was all the water.

I am not going to another buffet if I can help it, for a year. Or more.

4

Relief, and Enduring Discomfort

I went back to the fitness center this morning and YAY the scale was the same nice, low number that it was two days ago. WITH clothes.  So yay, and a pox on that stupid mall bathroom scale!  (WHY do I do these things???)

Between our room and the fitness center there is an ice-cream shop right on the corner. I have to walk right past it a few times a day. They make those warm homemade waffle cones and the smell is overpoweringly enticing.  I don’t necessarily even want ice cream, but the smell of those cones is incredible. (one good thing to remember is that smelling doesn’t cost any calories)

I remembered something from this great book I’m reading, as I smelled the waffle cones on my way back from the gym. One thing they ask is to rate your discomfort in dealing with some weight-loss challenge. Ie, how uncomfortable do you feel on a scale of one to ten, when you have to avoid something that you want to eat. First, make your scale. One is sitting comfortably in a cushy chair, and ten is childbirth. (HA) I’d say, walking by that waffle smell is about a 2 or 3 on that scale. In other words, I can deal with it. Take about ten steps and it’s over.

Now I’m going to meet a buddy who has gestational diabetes and we can have a healthy luch and bemoan the state of our pancreases (pancreii?) together. Yay.

2

The Scale is a CrazyMaker

Update on the scale nonsense: I did actually find a scale here where we are on vacation, at the fitness center. It’s one of those super official medical scales, with the slide weights. I tend to trust those more than any other kind of scale. So I stepped up on it yesterday, with my clothes on (I was in the middle of this gym with about a dozen other people in it!) but with no shoes.  I kept jiggling with it and it showed what looked like a few pound weight gain. OK, well, whatever. Then I realized it was ten pounds LOWER than I thought. Which meant I’d lost six lbs since coming on vacation, and 12 lbs total since beginning this blog.

I wasn’t sure whether to laugh, cry, have my head examined, or… ?

For some reason I was not elated. I got scared. It felt like too much. Suddenly I felt weak and lightheaded. I went back to the room and reported to my husband. He was delighted for me. Then I got pissed off (internally). I felt like, MAN, no weight loss is too great, and no diet is too severe for this guy. I think he’s a closet anorexic. But I spent the rest of the evening feeling confused, and had a little bit more at dinner, including a couple of bites of fried calamari.

This morning we went to this amazing breakfast place that specializes in these pancakes smothered in this very intense macadamia nut sauce. It is truly an ecstatic experience. We ordered a short stack. My mom and my younger daughter tried them but nobody else (INCLUDING ME) had any. I had a brief moment of sadness and I had to remind myself about 20 times during that hour that I was NOT going to partake. I had a really good omelette and it was satisfying enough.

Later today we were at the mall and it has this weird scale where you put in your quarter to get your “real true weight!” and a fortune. I WAS SO STUPID TO FALL FOR THIS but I did. I stepped up, and put in a quarter. And guess what it showed?! My all-time high weight!  Or, 13 lbs MORE than the fitness-room scale from yesterday.

I immediately started tripping out. I started doubting that I’d really read what I thought I read yesterday. I was like, nooooo, I have gained weight, a LOT of weight. I started seeing reflections of myself in store windows, and I looked freaking enormous. I really started believing that I had gained weight.

And so, you ask, what difference does it make? How is it that my psyche is so ruled by this stupid number? Because… because… if I really DO weigh what that mall scale says, (my “real true weight!”) after all of this hard work and changing my eating habits, then it makes me feel hopeless. Like none of it was worth it. And this is the point where a huge percentage of dieters throw in the towel and say, FORGET THIS SHIT.

I have to bring back the hypodermic needle/amputee/blindness images, because I have to be motivated by health issues, not be the damn scale or whatever the hell else. That’s probably not the healthiest thing either.

Soon, I want to review this very good book I’ve been reading recently. Maybe tomorrow. Meanwhile, readers, come back. Stay with me. I need your company!

OH and PS on the Biggest Loser: I don’t have a lot to say because due to being in a different time zone, I ended up missing the first hour of the show. I got emotional about the orange team going home. I wish they could have split teams. That David guy is SO into his “I don’t care-ness” and there is no way he is going to succeed. He just isn’t into it. He isn’t ready. It’s too scary for him. Believe me, I have been there, a hundred times.  Many people are disgusted with him and I guess I agree but it’s also sad because it’s where this total disgust/abhorrence of fat people comes from. I resist that, even though I often feel it myself. People in that situation are beating up on themselves enough, are lost and afraid enough without having the whole world pile on as well. So. Mixed feelings on this one. YAY for all the motivated people who are kicking ass, but so many of us have been in that other place.

7

All The Weights Of My Life

We are on vacation now, which means I can’t be stepping on a scale every day. This is admittedly making me a little nervous. I’m of mixed feelings re the scale. Some people say you should never weigh yourself but just judge things on how you feel, your clothes fit, etc. Some people say you should not weigh yourself more than once a week because weights fluctuate so much daily, and you can go crazy from the miniscule ups and downs. And then others say you should weigh yourself daily so that you can adjust your behavior based on the feedback you get on the scale, but not more than once a day.

I’ve found that when I go long periods without weighing myself, it’s because I am afraid of the scale. I know it’s going to give me bad news so I avoid it. And if that goes on for too long, the news just gets worse and worse. So for me, I think it’s important to do that reality check.

Right now, I think (if I am the same as when I left home on Saturday), I am at what I call “normal overweight.” Meaning I’m still about 20 lbs overweight according to my BMI, but it’s also the weight that my body has defaulted to over the past 5-10 years.

I get alarmed when I’m at “high overweight.” This is when I begin creeping towards, or sometimes even surpassing, my All Time High. Which is what I weighed the day before I gave birth to my daughter.  I’ve been in touching distance of that weight, and even passed it, a few times this year and last. NOT a good feeling, especially when I look at pics of myself at nine months pregnant.

It’s pretty sick? that I can remember exactly how much I have weighed at various points in my life. I remember how distraught I was in middle school when I passed 100 lbs and many of my friends were still in the 80s and 90s.  When I was in high school and running on the track team, I was probably at my all time low for this height. I weighed more in my latter years of high school and then in college.  Then it started creeping up. When I was 27 I went on a trip to southeast Asia and lost 26 lbs after two months of trekking 8 hours a day and not eating very much.  I know exactly what I weighed the day I got married.

Getting pregnant and having kids put me in a permanently higher bracket. First, I got pregnant and we lost that baby after six months. I’m a person who eats when in grief, not the kind who loses weight when in grief. Then I got pregnant again, had that baby, and three years later did it again. I did have gestational diabetes with the 2nd pregnancy and did a LOT of exercise and food monitoring during those months. After I had the baby I was at one of my all time lows again.

So here I am at normal overweight again. All I want is to get into that normal BMI range. The highest BMI # is fine with me. It feels like a long way off.

I’m trying to just focus on avoiding the simple carbs, exercising every day and not getting overfull this week. It will be interesting to see what the scale says when I get home.

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