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Susan

writer, memoirist, foodie

I (Heart) Biggest Loser

I know, I know, it’s junky reality tv, but it inspires me. It truly does. Last night was one of my favorite episodes.  So the first challenge involved running up and down a hill to get keys (one at a time) to fit into these two padlocks on the workout gym. People were desperate to keep their access to the gym. I was wondering what this was about but I think it might have had something to do with the machines- the elliptical, the treadmill, stairmaster, etc. The numbers on those machines can be very seductive, especially when they measure your progress, with speed, resistance and calories burned. It can be great to know you’ve just burned X number of calories.

I don’t feel all that attached to my gym. I do enough workouts in “alternative” settings that I know it all works, and sometimes it just feels so good to be outside.

So two teams of two got gym access and they immediately turned it into a … lounge? With comfy chairs, tea, water and fresh cut fruit. So they could lounge around instead of work out!

Meanwhile, the out-of-the-gym teams had these crazy workouts where they were lifting lawn furniture, leaping over barrels, running on the beach with enormous logs on their shoulders… it was insane and cool. They also had a really fun looking mud-wrestling fight after that. I really like this season’s people. They know how to have fun and they SUPPORT each other in a really heartwarming way.

My particular family was also VERY jazzed about last night’s show because the elimination challenge involved – erg machines! Ergometers! Or, if you must call them that (much to daughter’s exasperation): rowing machines. My two daughters have collectively pulled hundreds of thousands of kilometers on those very machines. They kick ass. So it was a personal thrill to see the Biggest Loser teams trying to erg their way to immunity. Wooo!

My favorite moment was when Bob (whom I do not particularly like) talked about Kristin, the young woman who weighs more than 300 lbs. She does EVERYthing. He said, “No matter what I ask of her, she always does it. She does not whine or complain. She puts her all in.” And she talked about weighing almost 400 lbs? before the show and how she had no idea”this girl who could do this” was living inside her. It brought tears to my eyes.

So I went to my trainer today and was determined to be Just. Like. Kristin.  She has SO much to overcome, and she is hanging in there, so steady. I have great admiration for her. And he was duly impressed. I basically said, I am never going to complain again. Even when he had me doing my personal nemesis, which is jumproping. I am just a spaz. I am very very bad at it. But I kept going, and got my 100 jumps in, and that was that. It was a great workout. I love working out on Wednesdays after watching Biggest Loser!

Now that I am finally HOME and settled and not traveling very much for a long time, I am hopeful I can really get into a routine. I also want to get together my in-person and online Beck Diet Solution support group. I am going to go through that book from front to back.

Let me know if you want to join in. (online)

2

Back Home

Of course the first thing I did upon waking up this morning was to leap onto my own scale. It wasn’t too bad – a one pound gain. Considering I’ve been doing nothing but eat in restaurants for a week, and I only truly exercised two days out of six, I’d say that is not bad at all. I’m not worried. I’m feeling pretty confident overall, and the whole idea of eating less is getting more and more appealing, rather than depriving.

I gave out several dozen chocolate hearts on Valentine’s Day and did not eat one. The idea of actually eating sugar made my teeth hurt. I’m happy because I think this means I’ve successfully desugared my tasted buds. Yay! It was fun giving out those red foil wrapped hearts though – I gave them to my writer friends, to hotel employees, to taxi drivers and anybody I came across, really. People were so surprised and happy to receive those sweet little Valentines!

It was great to see my daughter, although too brief, really less than a day.

I’m glad to be back home and hopeful that now I can establish a solid routine, especially of exercise.

2

Shrinking

My stomach is really shrinking. Or maybe I am just paying much more attention to its fullness level. They say that your stomach is roughly the size of your fist, but it can stretch to much more that size if you stuf it full, kind of like a stuff sack for a sleeping bag. (ugh)

I was so so hungry and wasn’t able to eat lunch today until 3:30. I had a chicken breast (out of a sandwich, didn’t eat the bread) and about a cup of fruit salad. And then I felt stuffed. That is so so so so not my norm I can’t even say, but I am eating slowly and trying to pay attention to bodily sensations.

Last night after having an extremely modest early dinner (grilled eggplant appetizer plus some cold tofu, at a Japanese restaurant) I did a reading at a bookstore and met up with an old friend. She hadn’t eaten dinner so we went out fo 2nd dinner at this Middle Eastern place. I was intending to eat just a taste, but everything was so so so good. Various eggplant spreads (yes, I LOVE eggplant), and this amazing roasted feta cheese with tomatoes and olives. It was crazy good. I didn’t stuff myself, but it was more than a “taste.” This was my first “overage” experience this trip. I also didn’t eat any bread with all the dips. Guess what? Dips taste delicious even without something to dip them in!!

Now I’m hitting the road to go see my daughter. I am happy.

1

Just Because There’s A Scale I Don’t Have to Step On It

I’m in the nice hotel. Had a great workout on the elliptical this morning in their fitness center. They have a medical scale. I did NOT step on it, given the debacle of what happened last time. I’m going to wait until I get home, to my own scale.

I’m worried about my daughter. She had a little setback and I think is being very rough on herself, and when you feel that bad, things don’t tend to go well. I’m sending her love and compassion and hoping she can get through this time and be kind to herself. She has helped me so much and I just hope she can be as good to herself as she has been to me.

3

Can Blogging Save Me from Eating?

(wrote this yesterday while traveling, and the answer to the title is YES)

I’m on the first leg of my trip. I just landed in the airport of the city where my birth mother lives. (back story: I was adopted as a baby, found her when I was in college, and have had a rollercoaster relationship with her for the past 28 years) It used to be when I stopped in her city for a layover, she would come to the airport, if only for an hour, and would bring me goodies to eat. Talk about food associations! She knew I loved cheese and once brought me an adorable little cheese basket with all sorts of fancy cheese and crackers. Once, she came with my (half) brother and his newborn baby. I have so many associations of very intense, brief meetings in this building; ones that had my adrenaline pouring through my body and leaving me limp on the next flight. I have two hours to lay over here this afternoon. As soon as I stepped into the gate area, I was hit with a rush of emotion and memory. And of course I immediately wanted to eat. And drink (alcohol). I rarely drink and when I do drink, it’s very little, so you know this has to be an extreme situation. I wandered into one restaurant and glanced at the menu briefly. It looked too dangerous so I left. I wouldn’t be able to trust myself to order a salad or something reasonable.

I’m sitting in an isolated little area with some chairs, in between the moving walkways. I have an apple and a mandarin orange in my bag, plus a container of yogurt that smells like it might have exploded in the flight. I’ll eat the orange and see if I feel better. It does help to write it. To write it, write it instead of eating it. This is one of the biggest triggers I have, my relationship with this woman. Breathe. Breathe. Look for the orange.

Aw crap, my yogurt broke. My apple and orange are covered in it. I have to go to the restroom and rinse them off. I wish I had my Beck book with me. I have it but it’s in my checked suitcase. OK, what would she say? You’re not going to die from these emotions. Just feel it. I feel like I am five years old and I am struggling to understand why my mama does not love me. Just got a text message from my daughter. She is holding me up. I can get through this without eating. I have to go wash off my fruit because I really AM hungry.

Epilogue: I ate my orange and some cheese. I talked (texted) with my daughter. She brought me back from the edge. I cried. I wrote. I paced around. And GUESS WHAT? The emotions passed. They really did. And I did not, for once in my life, turn to food for solace.

Ten gold stars, baby.

8

Challenges Ahead, and My Biggest Inspiration

Tomorrow I am going to a very fancy hotel in a big city for a conference with a ton of stimulation and a lot of friends and Famous People I Admire, for four days. So, the challenge is I am not going to be cooking my own food, there will be Social Situations from morning until night, I will be highly stimulated and distracted.

The GOOD news is I have the positive touchpoint of just having lost 2 lbs while on vacation in Hawaii for a week. If I did THAT, I can manage THIS, right? Right. I hope so. I am also very excited that this fancy hotel has an INDOOR POOL and two indoor TRACKS (one for running, one for walking?) and a big, big Fitness Center. I know the conference is going to be very compelling but I am pledging to go to that Fitness Center for a minimum of one hour a day.

The other very good news is that I am spending the final 2 days of my trip with my beloved daughter who has been THE most inspiring and helpful partner on this weight loss journey. She has also been working on losing weight, for different reasons than me, but just as critical and important to her life and well being.  So she has been texting me her weight every morning, and this morning she even sent me a photo of her scale because it showed an extra-wonderful number. She has been with me through every downfall and every victory, cheering me on, sending me “helpful thoughts” (a la Beck) when I turn to sabotage or despair. It really makes me want to cry when I think about it.

I know I have not been the best role model for her. In fact, I fear that I am the one who got her into her own struggles with food and weight. So I feel like my only redemption is really to be her companion on this path to a better, healthier way.

Each of us has lost ten pounds since we last saw each other. I really feel like she is my long distance Biggest Loser “other half.” In fact we kind of pledged each other to be each others’ team member and partner, when this season of BL started. We both have a LOT at stake. We both need to lose weight for reasons that are very, very important to us.

Anyway, I cannot wait to see this girl. I can’t wait to see her confidence and her beautiful little face. I can’t wait to thank her in person and to get a boost in person. I am going to take her out for a fabulous, delicious and healthy dinner. She’s my hero(ine) in this journey.

2

Another Little Milestone

So after my learning experience at the party, I got back on the wagon yesterday and did pretty well, food-wise. So yay.

But today I did something that was very unusual for me: I did a workout, BY MYSELF, and exerted myself a LOT. Normally, I only do these very intense workouts when my trainer is cracking the whip at me, a la Jillian Michaels. When I’m on my own, I tend to just.. walk. Sure, I walk a long time- often up to 90 minutes, but I’m rarely heaving and panting and wanting to fall down and cry. I just don’t do that to myself.

But today I went to the cemetery where my trainer often takes me, and I took myself through a workout that until now I have only do with him. It was a beautiful day. The cemetery is an awesome place to work out because it’s stunningly gorgeous, it’s free, and there are infinite ways in which one can push oneself physically. His favorite routine is to put people through a circuit that involves these verrrrrrrrry long stairs, and these steep concrete ramps. Just like with the hill, I decided to do the ones I hate the most. I did five flights of stairs, running, and five long ramps, also running (not fast, just little joggy runs). It was HARD. It was damn hard. I had my iPod, though, and made myself keep up with my music. (favorites: Prince’s “When Doves Cry,” Ferron’s “It Won’t Take Long” and Pure Prairie League “Amy”) When I was done, I was panting hard, red as a beet and sweaty. Which is usually how I finish my workouts with him, but NEVER how I am alone.

I came home and the scale showed me a happy number. 🙂

And: can I say that I’m excited because the Biggest Loser is on TV tonight. I predict that the Browns will go home.

2

Dagnabbit.

Another @*#&! learning experience!

I was doing SO WELL this weekend! Until last night, my small downfall, but still, at this point, small things can undo me. So, I planned a potluck dinner with some great women friends. I was so excited. I made a beautiful healthy fibery Greek lentil soup (with lemon and rosemary). Everyone who brought food brought SUPER healthy stuff; vegan dishes, salads, etc. Which is what “confused” me. If people had brought huge pans of lasagne, or cakes and whatnot, I would have stayed away with a ten-foot pole, but the healthy food was so delicious looking that I ended up filling my plate too full. I was not attending to portion control because I was so excited and happy to be with all of these women. I ate too much. THEN, when people were having dessert (which I did not touch), I went back and had another 1/2 bowl of soup as “my dessert.” What was that about? I was already full! But I guess I wanted to have something when everyon else was eating chocolate brownies and pound cake and biscotti.

I felt fuller than I had in a long time. Bleah.

And this morning, I was up .8 lb. Not a huge amount, but damnit I wanted to keep going DOWN DOWN, and I could’ve if I’d kept my wits about me last night.

So I’ve brought my lunch to work and have it all carefully planned out.

Another (ouch) learning experience.

Take home lesson: Just because it’s “healthy” doesn’t mean you can eat a ton of it. DUH.

2

Rocky Dance!

Yeah, I’m jumping up and down with my arms in the air! YEAH! I did the dreaded awful steep hill of doom this morning, not once but THREE TIMES. I had two friends join me, which made all the difference. It was really so much more fun and do-able.  The first time was hard, really hard. I was panting hard. The second time (my goal) was a lot easier. I actually kind of felt like sprinting a bit toward the end. The third time (yeah, we did!) was harder but it could be that I was going faster. I don’t know. I have never ever done or even contemplated climbing this hill three times. It has been my personal nemesis, the thing that always pointed out how terribly out of shape I was. Now I have done it 3x.

And I didn’t go to the brunch. Which is great.

I’m just feeling all pumped up and good. Cue that Rocky music!!

1

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