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Susan

writer, memoirist, foodie

Into the Silence

IMG_0926Tonight, I am going on a silent retreat at one of my favorite places on earth. I have been taking retreats at this place ever since 1987 or so, when they used to host an annual retreat for the Friends of Calligraphy. I would go with my inks, my special paper and drawing board, and set up in the “scriptorium” with other calligraphers, where we would do our calligraphy in silence for a week. There were short breaks in the silence, where master artists would give seminars on how to make the perfect “B,” or brush calligraphy or some such. I felt like some sort of ecstatic monk. It was heaven.

After I had my first child in 1990, I pretty much gave up calligraphy – all those inks and pen nibs were too hazardous for grabby little fingers – and by that time I had switched to writing. I started yearning for a place to get away to just think. Thanks to the wonderful support of said child’s father, I began taking 24-hour writing retreats at the same place.

This place is the most peaceful place I know. It used to be a convent for nuns, and is now used for spiritual and other quiet retreats. There is a beautiful chapel, lovely spare little rooms, a courtyard garden, a strawbale hermitage (for when one wants to be a “hermit”), a yurt, several gardens. But the best part is the silence.

I recently received a (beautifully calligraphed) card to confirm my spot at the retreat. It almost made me cry from happiness.

Within each of us there is a silence, a silence as vast as the universe…

When we experience that silence, we remember who we are, creatures of the stars,

created from time and space, created from silence…

Silence is our deepest nature, our home, our common ground, our peace…

Silence is where God dwells. We yearn to be there.

The experience of silence is now so rare, that we must guard and treasure it. This is especially true for shared silence.”

–Gunilla Norris, Shared Silence

I have been very, very busy, and very active these past months. I am longing for some quiet and some rest. The next few months are going to be even more hectic as my day job heats up to its peak event in July. This is the biggest gift I can think of to give myself, to contemplate all that has happened this year. I plan to write, read, sleep, walk, meditate.  I’m going to try and lay off the Twitter a bit, although I won’t be completely gone (twittering is silent, isn’t it?). I do believe that this is one of the biggest and most important and yet most ignored aspect of a weight loss journey – the peace of mind that is necessary for all the other pieces (food plan, exercise) to work.

I’ll be thinking of you all and how very grateful I am for the support that has surrounded me since I began this journey, not so very long ago in January. Have a peaceful weekend.

oxoxo

9

The Interview and Biggest Loser

Yesterday was my interview with the WW regional manager. It was actually a group interview, me plus another prospective leader, and also a prospective receptionist.  The interviewer kept apologizing for asking us “dumb and boring questions” which seemed like not a very helpful or professional thing to say, but whatever. I thought it was actually kind of interesting. She’d ask a question and then I’d answer, then person B, then person C. She kept looking at the clock and towards the end started saying, “OK, answer in ONE WORD.” I was like… okay. I think she just wanted to make sure we were not total psychopaths or idiots. Then she had me and the other wannabe leader get up and use the flip chart to talk about the 4 points of the Momentum program. Then we had to pick our favorite WW product and try to sell it to them.

I picked the magazine. Partly because I am a magazine junkie, and partly because I am not familiar with or a huge fan of many of the other products. I think I did OK. She kept saying, “Perfect! Perfect!”

The receptionist person seemed very unhappy. When the interviewer asked us to “What one word would your co-workers use to describe you?” I said, “Enthusiastic.” The other woman said, “Serious.” You’re not kidding, lady. She looked like she was about to get up and throttle someone. The other woman was extremely calm, professional, responsible seeming. She reminded me of Michelle Obama, very cool and unflappable, yet friendly. I felt a little scattered in comparison, but I did have the Enthusiasm thing going for me.

They said they’d get back to me in a week.

I’m finding it all interesting and somewhat amusing. I recently found a blog that detailed the horrible compensation/pay/conditions that WW employees have to endure. That’s no surprise. It’s basically a few millimeters up from a volunteer job. I’m just… curious. I will wait and see how it all pans out. Meanwhile, I think I am going to not tag or categorize these posts regarding this topic. I have the feeling that the Powers That Be over there would not be totally jazzed about me blogging my experiences.

I wore one of my new dresses from The Shopping Spree on the interview. (btw, some of the things I bought on that shopping trip are now too big!) I was feeling all trim and pretty. When I got home, I asked my daughter to take some pics of me. I was stunned that the photos looked NOTHING like what I thought I looked like in the mirror. Not particularly trim and maybe only marginally pretty. Hmph. This whole camera/mirror/real life thing is confusing. What DO I look like? I have no idea.

On to Biggest Loser. I started blogging when the (3 hour!) show came on. I was going to go on and on about how this season of the Biggest Loser has felt so personal to me, because they started when I did, and here we all are, blah blah blah. Of course they all began much heavier than me, and many of them are wayyyyy fitter than me. I have generally cried during each episode of this season.

But as the episode wore on (yawwwwwwwn) I realized that it was boring the poo out of me. It was really nothing more than a 3 hour weigh-in. Blech. I realized that one of the things I love most about BL is watching them do their workouts and challenges. Those things inspire me so much. The weigh-ins and dramatic game stuff, not so much. Ugh.

I was appalled when I saw Helen. She looked so good when they last were on the ranch, wearing this skinny little black outfit. Now she looks emaciated. I was horrified. I read somewhere that she is only one pound over being in the BMI “underweight” category. That seems so wrong. I also read that earlier seasons of the BL calculated winners based on a combo formula of pounds lost/fat percentage lost, but they are now doing strictly pounds. WRONG.

I was so disappointed. I have been such a loyal fan of this show, in spite of its many flaws and mistakes and stupid ideas, but I felt really let down last night. The healthiest, fittest people were not rewarded.  And that seems wrong. Ugh.

6

Reality Check AGAIN

I went away for the weekend and did a lot of activity – 2 days of running, one day on the hotel elliptical. I was feeling quite virtuous! But I was not quite as careful/aware as usual of my food intake. Today when I was back on my home scale I discovered I had gained a few pounds.  But I had done such a good job of my exercise!

My food, not so much. I decided to go to the Weight Watchers Online site and track my points from yesterday, retrospectively.  HOLY TOLEDO. I was… er….. about 24 points OVER my daily limit! AEEEEEEEEEYAHHHHH!! And I was thinking I had not done “all that bad.” WRONG.

This is one of the helpful things about points. It’s a reality check. If I had been aware of how many points I was eating, I would not have made those choices. I assumed that they were much lower than they really were. YIKES. I mean YIKES.

I’m lucky the damage was only “a few” pounds.

I’ve been reading that weight loss is a LOT more linked to food than activity level, and that sure was true for me. So even if you run miles and miles, if you’re not conscious of your food intake, you can still do a lot of damage, weight wise.

(Sigh) Tomorrow is my WW leader interview. I’m not feeling very stellar or confident right now, but I guess I will demonstrate how one can get back on a horse after falling off.

And tonight was supposed to be my IOU Mother’s Day dinner (also for my mother) since we were traveling all weekend. I wish I could avoid going to a nice restaurant, but it is her favorite choice. I’m just going to have to make some good choices even though we are at a good place.

WOW. I’m still shaking my head in disbelief over the # of points I ate this weekend. Kind of amazing.

11

On the Road

Sorry I haven’t posted a more upbeat post since my last downer. I’m doing a lot beter now! I’ve been traveling with my daughter’s crew team – they are at their regional championships this weekend and I am in charge of all travel details: hotels, dinners for 300, etc! so I’ve been a busy bee.

I’ve been really so busy that I forgot my blood testing kit. I am hoping that I’m OK but I feel good and I just have to trust that I’m not going out of control. I have to say it’s kind of a relief to be without the thing for a few days and to let myself feel a little “normal.” Of course, I don’t have a scale either and it is really nice to have an escape from the numbers for a little while. I contemplated going to a WW meeting while here – my normal meeting day is Saturday- but I think I will wait till I’m home on Monday.

Did I tell y’all I went to that WW leader recruitment meeting last week? It was interesting. I think I’m gonna go for it. I love and miss teaching (I’ve been teaching writing since 1994 but recently have not been teaching so much and I miss it). I have a formal interview with the regional director of WW on Tuesday. I’ve been thinking a lot about how teaching writing and teaching healthy living/weight loss are similar, or could be, or here is my pitch about why I think I’d be a goood WW leader!  So many people say they’ve “always wanted to write” but don’t believe they can.  Same with weight loss/healthy lifestyle, right?  Well I know I’ve been very capable of breaking things down for beginning writers, to help them feel excited and successful very soon. I am really good at validating peoples’ positive efforts and for showing them what they are doing right. I think so many of these same things are important in weight loss. So I hope it works out. We shall see.

I’ve been running a bit along the lake where the races are being held. Both yesterday and today I noticed that the first 10 minutes or so of a run are killer. I am full of pain – my groin, my feet, my shin, and I’m out of breath. It pretty much feels awful. And then BAM, after I hit the 11th minute or so, ALL of my pains just VANISH, my breathing is easy, and the running truly feels effortless. I feel like I could go on forever. Yesterday I ran about 35 minutes, and today around 25, and walked a bunch. Both times the same thing happened.

Anyway, busy times around here. Tonight, Chevy’s is catering dinner at our race site for 300. I am not worried about it at all, in fact I am excited about it. Things have really changed.

4

Blindsided

So it happened again today. I went blithely into my cardiologist’s office, practically SKIPPING because I was so over-the-moon proud and happy about my weight loss, my lowered triglycerices, my NORMAL BMI, my fantastic A1C levels — and while he was duly impressed (or at least acted sort of impressed), he zeroed right in on my cholesterol levels.  They’re like borderline high. My “good” cholesterol, HDL, is not quite high enough, and it has not budged an iota in four months, despite exercise and weight loss, etc.

He said, “I want to put you on a statin.”

He was just going by his medical protocol, but for me it was great clanging alarm bells and red lights and “YOU FAILED!!!!!!!!!!!”

Once again, I left a medical appointment, sat in my car and cried.

I called my physician husband and he gave me all sorts of pats on the back (vebally) and validation and explained the lunkheaded ways of doctors, and I still cried.

I felt once again like I was five years old and was getting a finger wagged at me, you know that old “NOT GOOD ENOUGH” voice.

Bleh! Feh! UGH!

He (husband) also gently reminded me that perhaps I had had unrealistic expectations, ie that by “doing good” (and you all KNOW the good I’ve been doing!!) I would be able to outrun all my diagnoses, throw away all medications, etc. Instead, I got MORE medication. It just feels like failure to me. I know I have to turn my head around. I am not the kind of person who shuns medication at ALL, I just wasn’t ready for MORE. I was at peace with what I was already taking, but I felt like I was going in a good direction and I was going to be rewarded for that somehow.

I’m probably going to have to take insulin one day. I am probably more prepared for that eventuality than I was for the statin. Ugh.

18

“Normal”

When I stepped on the scale this morning, I had to blink several times. I’m sure it has something to do with the fact that I was sick as a dog most of the weekend, but it registered a number I have not seen since… well, I can’t even remember when. A long time ago.

And it put me solidly into the “normal BMI” weight range.  My BMI is now 24.8!!!!!!! I am in the category of “normal weight!”

  • Underweight = <18.5
  • Normal weight = 18.5-24.9
  • Overweight = 25-29.9
  • Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater

This has been my goal for many, many years. It has been my Weight Watchers goal every time I joined WW, and I never achieved it before. I’m actually kind of overwhelmed. So this was my mini-goal, and when I set that goal, I truly did not believe it was possible or achievable. Really.

At this point, I am just going to keep doing what I’m doing, and see what happens. I’m not “on a diet” anymore. (which I think is probably the key to all of this!) I’m just living my life.

Speaking of Weight Watchers, I did their online questionnaire for potential leaders, and am going to a recruitment meeting on Wednesday. I’m just… checkin’ it out. The questionnaire had about 200 questions like “Are you an enthusiastic person?” (yes) and “Do you care about other peoples’ success?” (yes) The only one that really stumped me was, “Do people tell you that you dress sharp?” I had to LOL at that one. Um, no….. not really. But recently, more so! Ha! My recent clothing spree went a long way in that direction but I still don’t think I’m any fashion role model. (ha ha ha)

I’m still feeling super shaky and woozy from the weekend. I do not think it is all the 5k’s fault – at all – I actually think I was truly ill, but managed to rally for the race and then crashed, big time. I was awfully sick yesterday. So I’m going to try to work from home and skip my afternoon workout. Later, ‘gators.

PS. OMG. Just realized I might not be “normal” after all — turns out that there is an ASIAN BMI SCALE that is lower than the “regular” scale. Yeah, even with a name like Foodie McBody, I’m Asian American. And the Asian American scale puts me back at… overweight.

Turns out that Asian Americans should aim for a BMI of 23, not 25. The explanation? Asian Americans are “fatter” at a lower BMI than Caucasian Americans. This translates to an increased risk of diabetes and other health problems at lower weights.

Sigh. Well, I’m still happy for the weight loss, and I’ll just keep doin’ what I’m doin’.

PPS. A friend just pointed out, I am only half Asian. So maybe that means I can take an average between the two. Yes! 24!!!!! 🙂

MORE THOUGHTS: (I just can’t stop writing this post!) I am also well aware that many women would find my “normal” weight horrifying. I see women starting OUT at WW meetings who are probably at 20 BMI and they want to be 18. That’s a little scary to me. When I mentioned on my FB page a few months ago that I needed to lose weight, one person confided in me that she was up to XXX weight (OH NOOOO!!!) which was, at the time, about 15 lbs less than I weighed. For her, it was a total nightmare that she weighed what was actually my goal weight. So, it’s different for everybody.

I’ve pretty much reached my goal. If I keep doing what I’m doing and I end up continuing to lose, then so be it. (to a certain extent) If I don’t, fine. But I’m not TRYING to lose a lot more weight. I’m just going to see what happens.

10

I Did It! Ran the entire 5k!!!!!!!!!!!

I was unsure yesterday whether I’d actually make it to today’s 5k. Yesterday I was beset with horrible female problems (groann) as well as gastrointestinal distress, aka major constipation. (sorry if TMI) It made running impossible, so I walked the 5k lake, hobbling and groaning the whole way. Not very auspicious. Yesterday afternoon/evening I did not feel very well. I laid low.

I slept a rather fitful sleep, and shot out of bed around 5:50am. I think I was so pumped on adrenaline. I did a self-eval and decided I did not feel so bad. I was not sure what I should eat/drink in terms of having energy and also in terms of my GI situation. Coffee? No? I got a quick consult from EatWithoutGuilt on Twitter and she said OK to whole wheat English muffin with PB, and NO COFFEE. So I drank water.

It was raining on the way out there. I did not mind. In my opinion, hot weather is a lot worse than rain. I got there around 7am, picked up my Tshirt, tried to use Starbucks bathroom (fail), then warmed up with a brisk walk for about 4-5 blocks. My friend K showed up and we went over to the start line. We had decided that we’d each go at our own pace, and I was realllly relying on the music from my iPod to keep me on pace. (actually to keep me going slow enough so I would not burn out)

It was very exciting there at the starting line! My heart was pumping like a jackhammer. I did some stretches and then they counted down. I took off. K rounded one corner with me, and then SHE took off like a bunny. I lost sight of her in seconds! But that was okay.

The second song that came on (my “run list” is on Shuffle, so I don’t know what order they will play) was “Don’t Fear the Reaper.” It was perfect. I was sort of crying and laughing the whole time, and the pace was just right.

Seasons don’t fear the reaper
Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain..we can be like they are
Come on baby…don’t fear the reaper
Baby take my hand…don’t fear the reaper
We’ll be able to fly…don’t fear the reaper
Baby I’m your man…

Who was my man? The 80 year old guy right in front of me! He was plodding along at a nice slow rate, and his feet were matching mine. I loved him. I was like, you go, guy! Clearly he did not fear the reaper, and neither did I. (for those who don’t know, I started exercising just a few months ago when I was diagnosed with diabetes)

The first half or so was good. I was in the zone. My feet did not hurt at all. (backstory: I have had massively painful flat arches which KILL me when I run. I just got fitted for orthotics which arrived on Thursday, and the sports podiatrist was dubious about me running with them without breaking them in enough). The orthotics were really comfortable and my feet felt great.

It was raining. I did not care. “Amie” (Counting Crows) and “New Year’s Day” (U2) came on. Both pretty fast paced, but they felt good. Yay! “Friend of the Devil” came on and it made me smile, as usual.

Set out runnin’ but I take my time
A friend of the devil is a friend of mine
If I get home before daylight, I just might get some sleep tonight.


I peeked at my watch at the 18 minute mark. I was a little concerned because we had not turned around yet (it was a big loop) and I was almost at the point of my longest run ever (20 minutes). I was wondering how much longer than my longest run I would be able to manage. I figured adrenaline could take me to 30, but more..? I wasn’t sure.

It was interesting to see people’s approach to the race. A bunch of people did run-walk-run. Some people kept passing me because they were running fast, then they’d walk and I’d pass them. My 80 year old pace boyfriend vanished into the front somewhere. I also paced for a while behind a woman who looked like she weighed about 250 lbs (my guess) and she also took off, was much faster than me. I passed a bunch of Juicy-Couture slim little mamas who were walking, not running. That made me feel amused.

Finally we passed a sign that said either 3k or 2 miles, I don’t remember. It made me feel discouraged. I was getting tired for sure. I could still breathe OK, and I wasn’t hurting, but I was just fatigued.

When I could see the finish banner up ahead, maybe 1/4 mile, I got REALLY tired feeling. I think my body was like, “OK, you’re done now! Stop!” But I could not stop. So I forced myself to look at the ground. The last song was an amazing song by Ferron. It could not have been more perfect. It’s called “It Won’t Take Long.”

But you who dream of liberty must not yourselves be fooled
Before you get to plea for freedom, you’ve agreed to being ruled
If the body stays a shackle then the mind remains a chain
That’ll link you to a destiny whereby all good souls are slain
And it won’t take long, it won’t take too long at all
It won’t take long, and you may say
“What has that got to do with me” and I say,
“You mean to tell me that’s all?”

—
At noon on one day coming, human strength will fill the streets
Of every city on our planet, hear the sound of angry feet
With business freezed up in the harbour, the kings will pull upon their
Hair
And the banks will shudder to a halt, and the artists will be there
‘Cause it won’t take long, it won’t take too long at all,
It won’t take long, and you may say,
“I don’t think I can be a part of that,” and it makes me want to say,
“Don’t you want to see yourself that strong?”



Hell yeah! I do!!!! By that point, I was only yards away from the finish. I got a huge burst and SPRINTED past my husband with the camera. I saw the timing clock and it said 39 minutes something. I knew I wanted to come in under 40. I was also like, HOLY MOLY I just doubled my longest running time!!

I ran across the finish and was completely drenched, exhausted, ECSTATIC. Kathy was there. She’d come in quite a ways before me, although she said she’d walked some. She came in 10th in her age division! Go girl! I got the online results and saw that I was in the exact middle of the pack for my age division. (and if I moved up to the next division, which I will in August, I would’ve been 13th!) I was very very pleased with this. And I was also in the exact middle of the pack for the race overall.

We got home and I took a hot shower. I then started feeling massively nauseaus and crampy. I spent the rest of the day in bed, sleeping and groaning. I wonder if I was really sick yesterday and then just got adrenalized this morning. I don’t know. I feel like poo, but I am so so so so amazed and proud that I did this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10

The End of Ambivalence

It’s kind of amazing to go to events where I run into people I haven’t seen since… Before. They’re kind of shocked, and always ask, How did you DO this? I laugh and say, “The short answer is, I got diabetes.” Of course everyone knows that diabetes itself does not cause weight loss, unless you’re really ill. But it’s a long answer. The longer answer is, “read my blog.” It’s so complicated and yet it is so simple. It’s so many things.

I went to Weight Watchers this morning and had a 3.2 lb loss at weigh-in. They had a bunch of flyers about WW leader recruitment. I took one. Still mulling this idea over. I still really really miss teaching, and it could be an interesting opportunity. I might go to one of their info meetings next week and find out more.

Anyway. I’ve been thinking a lot about: why now? Why, after 30 years of struggle, is this finally working? I have lost weight in the past – but never this much- and never without terrible effort.

This time, it feels almost effortless – and at the same time, I am putting every ounce of focus and attention on it. It’s one of those weird paradoxes. It doesn’t feel at all like a “diet” – and yet it has taken enormous reservoirs of time and mindfulness. But it’s not “hard.” If that makes sense. Does it make sense?

I realized today that one thing that’s very different this time around (and I think may be the KEY difference) is that I am not ambivalent. For a long time, I was ambivalent about losing weight because I was always wanting to lose weight for my LOOKS, and I felt angry about that. I felt like women should be loved and accepted and appreciated and deemed beautiful no matter what their size. (I still do) So it felt on some level like a betrayal of myself and other women to want to lose weight for looks reasons.

And yet..I have to admit that I think I look better now than I did in January. I FEEL better – both “looks” wise and health wise. I have tons more energy, and I just feel strong and happy.

It was not until I got this pre-diabetes wakeup call that I really cared about losing weight for other reasons, ie health. Before, I didn’t believe that I was unhealthy, because I wasn’t overweight enough. Or so I thought. I used to bristle at the notion that being “only” 25 or 30 lbs overweight was enough to endanger my health. I was wrong about that.

So I sort of defiantly stayed overweight and did not attend to my health because I didn’t want it to be about my looks.

Another thing that is different this year has to do with my past, and my life as an adopted person. It has definitely affected me throughout my life, to think of myself as a person whose very existence was a burden to others. I was most definitely a “mistake,” and the cause of much shame for my birth mother. (I’ve known her since I was 20) She likes me as a person, but also has VERY deep ambivalence about my very existence.  I am her worst, biggest and most distressing secret.

This year is the year that I made the pretty big decision to stop wishing that my birth mother would acknowledge me in the ways that I would like. I pretty much gave up. After about 30 years (hmm, is there a connection here?) of desperately hoping to openly be recognized as her relative. I wonder if this “giving up” makes it suddenly possible for me to lose weight, as well.

I was chasing after love where it couldn’t be found. I was pretty much a bottomless pit of need and sadness. Once, many years ago, in therapy, I made a little clay head with a huge open mouth. I called it “little head” and it represented my unending hunger. And why even the most giant pan of macaroni and cheese would never be enough. I understood it, but I couldn’t change it. Until I finally gave up on wanting what couldn’t be had.

Love isn’t inside food. It isn’t inside some people who just aren’t able to give. But I was certainly chasing after it, for years and years and years.

I’m finally getting where the love is. It’s in me, and it’s in people who are open to it. Food is just… something else. It’s wonderful to enjoy, it’s delicious and fun, but it isn’t love.

(lightbulb moment)

When I was diagnosed with diabetes, it was like I was being asked, “Well? Do you want to live? Are YOU ambivalent about your very existence?” and the answer came back a ferocious YES, and NO.

I’m not ambivalent anymore. I want to be here. I deserve to be here.

And that’s the pretty long answer about how I lost the weight.

8

25

But who’s counting?

🙂

2

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