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February 2009

Can Blogging Save Me from Eating?

(wrote this yesterday while traveling, and the answer to the title is YES)

I’m on the first leg of my trip. I just landed in the airport of the city where my birth mother lives. (back story: I was adopted as a baby, found her when I was in college, and have had a rollercoaster relationship with her for the past 28 years) It used to be when I stopped in her city for a layover, she would come to the airport, if only for an hour, and would bring me goodies to eat. Talk about food associations! She knew I loved cheese and once brought me an adorable little cheese basket with all sorts of fancy cheese and crackers. Once, she came with my (half) brother and his newborn baby. I have so many associations of very intense, brief meetings in this building; ones that had my adrenaline pouring through my body and leaving me limp on the next flight. I have two hours to lay over here this afternoon. As soon as I stepped into the gate area, I was hit with a rush of emotion and memory. And of course I immediately wanted to eat. And drink (alcohol). I rarely drink and when I do drink, it’s very little, so you know this has to be an extreme situation. I wandered into one restaurant and glanced at the menu briefly. It looked too dangerous so I left. I wouldn’t be able to trust myself to order a salad or something reasonable.

I’m sitting in an isolated little area with some chairs, in between the moving walkways. I have an apple and a mandarin orange in my bag, plus a container of yogurt that smells like it might have exploded in the flight. I’ll eat the orange and see if I feel better. It does help to write it. To write it, write it instead of eating it. This is one of the biggest triggers I have, my relationship with this woman. Breathe. Breathe. Look for the orange.

Aw crap, my yogurt broke. My apple and orange are covered in it. I have to go to the restroom and rinse them off. I wish I had my Beck book with me. I have it but it’s in my checked suitcase. OK, what would she say? You’re not going to die from these emotions. Just feel it. I feel like I am five years old and I am struggling to understand why my mama does not love me. Just got a text message from my daughter. She is holding me up. I can get through this without eating. I have to go wash off my fruit because I really AM hungry.

Epilogue: I ate my orange and some cheese. I talked (texted) with my daughter. She brought me back from the edge. I cried. I wrote. I paced around. And GUESS WHAT? The emotions passed. They really did. And I did not, for once in my life, turn to food for solace.

Ten gold stars, baby.

8

Challenges Ahead, and My Biggest Inspiration

Tomorrow I am going to a very fancy hotel in a big city for a conference with a ton of stimulation and a lot of friends and Famous People I Admire, for four days. So, the challenge is I am not going to be cooking my own food, there will be Social Situations from morning until night, I will be highly stimulated and distracted.

The GOOD news is I have the positive touchpoint of just having lost 2 lbs while on vacation in Hawaii for a week. If I did THAT, I can manage THIS, right? Right. I hope so. I am also very excited that this fancy hotel has an INDOOR POOL and two indoor TRACKS (one for running, one for walking?) and a big, big Fitness Center. I know the conference is going to be very compelling but I am pledging to go to that Fitness Center for a minimum of one hour a day.

The other very good news is that I am spending the final 2 days of my trip with my beloved daughter who has been THE most inspiring and helpful partner on this weight loss journey. She has also been working on losing weight, for different reasons than me, but just as critical and important to her life and well being.  So she has been texting me her weight every morning, and this morning she even sent me a photo of her scale because it showed an extra-wonderful number. She has been with me through every downfall and every victory, cheering me on, sending me “helpful thoughts” (a la Beck) when I turn to sabotage or despair. It really makes me want to cry when I think about it.

I know I have not been the best role model for her. In fact, I fear that I am the one who got her into her own struggles with food and weight. So I feel like my only redemption is really to be her companion on this path to a better, healthier way.

Each of us has lost ten pounds since we last saw each other. I really feel like she is my long distance Biggest Loser “other half.” In fact we kind of pledged each other to be each others’ team member and partner, when this season of BL started. We both have a LOT at stake. We both need to lose weight for reasons that are very, very important to us.

Anyway, I cannot wait to see this girl. I can’t wait to see her confidence and her beautiful little face. I can’t wait to thank her in person and to get a boost in person. I am going to take her out for a fabulous, delicious and healthy dinner. She’s my hero(ine) in this journey.

2

Another Little Milestone

So after my learning experience at the party, I got back on the wagon yesterday and did pretty well, food-wise. So yay.

But today I did something that was very unusual for me: I did a workout, BY MYSELF, and exerted myself a LOT. Normally, I only do these very intense workouts when my trainer is cracking the whip at me, a la Jillian Michaels. When I’m on my own, I tend to just.. walk. Sure, I walk a long time- often up to 90 minutes, but I’m rarely heaving and panting and wanting to fall down and cry. I just don’t do that to myself.

But today I went to the cemetery where my trainer often takes me, and I took myself through a workout that until now I have only do with him. It was a beautiful day. The cemetery is an awesome place to work out because it’s stunningly gorgeous, it’s free, and there are infinite ways in which one can push oneself physically. His favorite routine is to put people through a circuit that involves these verrrrrrrrry long stairs, and these steep concrete ramps. Just like with the hill, I decided to do the ones I hate the most. I did five flights of stairs, running, and five long ramps, also running (not fast, just little joggy runs). It was HARD. It was damn hard. I had my iPod, though, and made myself keep up with my music. (favorites: Prince’s “When Doves Cry,” Ferron’s “It Won’t Take Long” and Pure Prairie League “Amy”) When I was done, I was panting hard, red as a beet and sweaty. Which is usually how I finish my workouts with him, but NEVER how I am alone.

I came home and the scale showed me a happy number. 🙂

And: can I say that I’m excited because the Biggest Loser is on TV tonight. I predict that the Browns will go home.

2

Dagnabbit.

Another @*#&! learning experience!

I was doing SO WELL this weekend! Until last night, my small downfall, but still, at this point, small things can undo me. So, I planned a potluck dinner with some great women friends. I was so excited. I made a beautiful healthy fibery Greek lentil soup (with lemon and rosemary). Everyone who brought food brought SUPER healthy stuff; vegan dishes, salads, etc. Which is what “confused” me. If people had brought huge pans of lasagne, or cakes and whatnot, I would have stayed away with a ten-foot pole, but the healthy food was so delicious looking that I ended up filling my plate too full. I was not attending to portion control because I was so excited and happy to be with all of these women. I ate too much. THEN, when people were having dessert (which I did not touch), I went back and had another 1/2 bowl of soup as “my dessert.” What was that about? I was already full! But I guess I wanted to have something when everyon else was eating chocolate brownies and pound cake and biscotti.

I felt fuller than I had in a long time. Bleah.

And this morning, I was up .8 lb. Not a huge amount, but damnit I wanted to keep going DOWN DOWN, and I could’ve if I’d kept my wits about me last night.

So I’ve brought my lunch to work and have it all carefully planned out.

Another (ouch) learning experience.

Take home lesson: Just because it’s “healthy” doesn’t mean you can eat a ton of it. DUH.

2

Rocky Dance!

Yeah, I’m jumping up and down with my arms in the air! YEAH! I did the dreaded awful steep hill of doom this morning, not once but THREE TIMES. I had two friends join me, which made all the difference. It was really so much more fun and do-able.  The first time was hard, really hard. I was panting hard. The second time (my goal) was a lot easier. I actually kind of felt like sprinting a bit toward the end. The third time (yeah, we did!) was harder but it could be that I was going faster. I don’t know. I have never ever done or even contemplated climbing this hill three times. It has been my personal nemesis, the thing that always pointed out how terribly out of shape I was. Now I have done it 3x.

And I didn’t go to the brunch. Which is great.

I’m just feeling all pumped up and good. Cue that Rocky music!!

1

Good Day

I had a good day today, foodwise. I really did not struggle at all. I had a small breakfast then went up to visit the camp site where the camp I coordinate will be held this summer. It’s a new place, and I needed to check it out. One of the many reasons we switched sites is that the food at the old site was terrible, healthwise. It was basically pure, heavy carbs most meals with few options, iceberg lettuce, Kool-Aid… etc. This camp is the pinnacle of my year, both in terms of how exciting it is but also with stress. It’s great, but it’s also 24/7 stress for 6 days. Normally I eat like a HOG at camp, piling up the food just so I can stay grounded and not explode. Last year I think I gained 4 lbs at camp. I always gain weight there.

We were invited to have lunch at the new site today. First there was a big “buffet” (not a massive one, just for the lunch offerings). The main entree was grilled chicken breasts (how perfect is THAT) which you could make into sandwiches, so there was a big pan of chicken with really nice spices, then it had rolls and lettuce and cheese. I didn’t make a sandwich. Also, big pans of grilled veggies (NICE!!!) and other stuff. THEN an enormous salad bar with spring mix lettuce! not just iceberg!! and a huuuuuge array of salad toppings, real high quality stuff like garbanzos, kidney beans, cucumber, broccoli, tomatoes, onions, shredded cheeses, olives. It went on and on. They also had a soup bar which they say is available at every meal.  SO in the event that they do not have a good choice for the entree, I can always have soup and/or salad. I am so psyched. Because even if I am a stressball at camp, I can make decent choices and not just hog out on Sloppy Joes.

I am one of those people who actually does not mind gross high-school cafeteria style food. I love Sloppy Joes, and mac and cheese (of course) and all manner of stuff that most people would never touch. Well, no more. I’m not touching it any more.

So I had a very lovely warm grilled chicken salad for lunch, and I was very happy!

THEN I went to a big parents’ meeting for my daughter’s sports team. I gave a brief presentation and was all full of adrenaline. I saw a bunch of old friends and was all buzzy with energy. There were FOUR TABLES of DESSERTS at this thing. Just piled HIGH: brownies, cookies, dips, chips, cake, you name it. Normally I would have hoovered through this thing, especially being all wired up from speaking. But what did I have, folks? Nothing! NOTHING! I was very proud of myself. I wasn’t even remotely tempted or feeling resentful or sad about not being able to eat anything. I just sailed on past.

I was hungry by the time I got home. I didn’t want to cook. My family and I went to a fancy-ish Italian restaurant nearby. I ordered a bowl of mushroom soup. It had cream in it, was really rich, and so delicious. I had like 1/3 of the bowl and then gave the rest away. I was starting to feel full just from that small amount. Then I had a beautiful salad of crabmeat, red peppers, papaya, onions, lettuces and a tiny bit of avocado. It was insanely good but again, I felt full (!!! shrinking stomach!!) and only ate about half. My mother kept giving me concerned looks. “Is that all you’re going to eat??” “Is that your DINNER?” but I just smiled serenely. I was really happy with the whole thing. The food was yummy but I never got uncomfortably full. I drank a couple glasses of water.

So that was my eating day. I felt really happy about it. Maybe I am getting the hang of this, a little bit!

0

Choices

Basically, that’s the bottom line, isn’t it? Making choices every minute of the day. Paper or plastic, pasta or pickles…

I have some tough choices coming up this weekend.  I decided to organize that Hill challenge on Sunday, and then I was going to go to meet an longtime online friend, who is here from across the country. Some other friends organized a brunch for her at this fancy seafood place. I thought this fancy place was 15 minutes from my house, and I scheduled accordingly, but as it turns out, they ALSO have a restaurant an hour away.

It’s at the one an hour away.

So. I could

1) cancel the Hill challenge. (NO WAY!!!!!!!)

2) I could go late to the brunch.

3) I could send my regrets and not go to the brunch and try to figure out a different way to meet up with said friend.

What do you think I should do? I am going to do the right thing. I am doing #3. At first it seemed easy and all worked out. But I am also hosting another social event that same night, and do I need two entire social temptations in one day? No I do not. I am NOT going to skip or cut short the hill thing.

But I imagined myself rushing down to this restaurant, being all stressed out, feeling awkward because I am arriving so late, and thus… wanting to EAT TOO MUCH or the wrong thing. No thanks.

It’s not worth it, is it? When I really think about it, the choice is so obvious and easy and clear. And now, think of all the calories and money and gas and time I will save by not going.

I’m sad to not see this friend but I hope it will work out together to see her another time.

I can’t tell you, that 8x out of 10 I would have done option #2 (OR, heaven forbid, #1) and that, dear friends, is how I got to be overweight and medically compromised.

2

A Dreaded Little Plateau and a Big Hill

I hope it’s little. I hope it doesn’t last too long. But the scale has not budged since I got home from vacation, and I am sad about this. I am trying not to be too sad or to let it get me down. What does Dr. Beck say about this?

She says,

You should expect occasional weight gains or plateaus, even if you’ve been doing everything right.

I’m not sure I’ve been doing everything right. I can certainly step it up especially in the exercise department. One thing I’ve done that I’m very proud of is that I organized a Hill Challenge, climbing the hill that is my nemesis and which I HATE with a passion. But I am thinking, maybe I can make that hill my friend. I would love to be able to climb that hill without feeling like I am dying.

I organized an Event on Facebook and invited a bunch of people to come. Three people signed up! So I can’t back down. I am actually shocked that I have done this; that I am voluntarily doing something that I normally dread. BUT I have a secret hope that since I am 9 lbs lighter than the last time I did the hill, it will feel somewhat better or somewhat less awful this time. I also hope my friends don’t hate me for introducing them to this form of torture.

2

The Company We Keep

I was thinking about the fact that I ate more than I should/wanted to when I was on that boat, and my husband was not around.  When he is with me I worry about what he’s thinking and end up eating less, or more healthfully. To impress him? That’s not good.

On the other hand, when I am with my mom I tend to give myself permission to eat everything in sight and to make the worst choices, because that is what she does.  She definitely played a large role in my habit of eating to squelch emotion, eating to celebrate, eating when sad or bored or tired or depressed or angry. I’m not blaming her, I’m just saying… this is where it started, and how I learned to pass it on to my poor unwitting next generation as well. Even now (or maybe especially now) she will always choose the richest, meatiest, chocolatiest, thing on the menu. Maybe because she is in her 80s and she thinks, why deprive now? She has never been on a diet as far as I can remember, except right after her open heart surgery when her cardiologist made her go on a diet. My father pretty much administered it and she was very angry and resentful about the stuff she couldn’t eat.  After a few years she just kind of ignored it and I think ate even more as a bounce-back.

Anyway. We will all eat with all kinds of people with their own food issues, all the time. And the thing that is important is to keep grounded in our own plan, our own commitment to what we are going to eat or not eat.  In the past, I’ve been with people who ate like birds, and it made me nervous and panicky, and want to eat even more. Or else I would get in some stupid, silent “I can eat just as little as you!” competition.  That then backfired as soon as I was out of their sight.

I’ve been lucky that nobody has really tried to push food on me since I’ve started this. A friend came over for dinner and brought a beautiful looking pound cake but I wasn’t tempted and she was also really sweet and apologetic, and the people who could eat the cake enjoyed it. (guess who? Mom!) I think it’s a lot easier to say you are on a diet for medical reasons than for vanity reasons because if you just say you want to be thinner, people say, Oh you look just fine!

I am almost relieved that I have this medical “excuse” to fall back on. But really, we all do. We all need to be healthier and more conscious.

How do the people around you affect your eating habits? And how do you deal with it? (if at all) Foodie wants to know!

2

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