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Could Have Eaten Three Cheesecakes Today

…. but I didn’t.

It was one of those uber-emotional over the top days when the stress level is SO HIGH and in the “bad old days” – um, just 10 weeks ago? I would have just been inhaling everything in sight.  There was major drama going on at work, my blood pressure was (probably) hitting the roof, I was extremely concerned about a loved one, and I was this close to having my head explode.

I work right next to a 7-11. Which is the perfect source for out of control emotional eating.  Haagen Dasz bars! Skor bars! 7-11 hot dogs!! (ha) More junk than you can stuff in your mouth.

I really love my job. I love the people I work with. I love the work I do. And so for me to have a “bad day at work” is like one in a million. But today I was just triggered and set off and I was a basket case. Then I was worried about somebody that I love, and that was hard too. (understatement)

I didn’t have breakfast because I was rushing too much. Then I got to work and dealt with drama for several hours. My mom, who had come to the office with me (she’s a volunteer there) wanted to stop and get a drive-through burger. I almost got nothing for myself and then thought better of it and got a drive-through chicken salad. Which turned out to be a great thing.  She sat at my desk and ate the burger and fries while I inhaled the fumes.

After all the drama, I ate my salad which was actually very very good. I had a plan to visit a friend this afternoon so I left my office. I walked past the 7-11 to go to my car.  The junk food was calling my name. LOUDLY. I did not have time to sit down and Write Out My Feelings. I made myself steadily KEEP WALKING and felt in my pocket. Voila, there was a sugar free caramel hard candy!! It saved me. I sucked on that thing til it disappeared. I drove to my friends house. She gave me a cup of tea, a cut up apple and some tangerine (she is a good good friend!). I told her all my woes, and while I was talking to her I got a relieving text message from my loved one.  Things took a turn for the better.  She helped me get more grounded regarding the work situation, and when I left her house I felt a million times better.

I came home and had a nice healthy dinner with my family.

The only “down” thing is I did not exercise today. Trainer said I could have one rest day, not two. But now I am post-dinner, and I do not think I can do anything comfortably. I will just have an extra vigorous workout in the morning.

I am very relieved and actually SHOCKED that I did not overeat today. I really think I might be learning some new ways of coping.

Amazing.

4

Biggest Loser Top Chef: YAY

Y’all know that The Biggest Loser and Top Chef are two of my favorite reality shows EVER. So last night I was just squeeing with glee to see Rocco Dispirito, frequent Top Chef guest judge, on the Biggest Loser! It was set up totally Top-Chef style. It was like the merging of two perfect elements, except a lot funnier. I LOVED it. First, Rocco laid out the nutritional reality of many fast foods: pizza, burgers and burritos. It was super gross and mind-boggling to see him scoop up the amount of fat in a burger and fries meal. Shudder. Great visual.

Anyway, the challenge was for the BL contestants to make healthy and tasty versions of those three items.  I was enamored of the bison burger with feta cheese and portabello mushrooms. (and yay, it won) I just happened to read an article about bison in Eating Well magazine, which I just discovered yesterday. I am kind of intrigued and might go see if they have bison at our local Whole Foods.

Another part of the show featured one team going to do a shadowboxing class with Sugar Ray Leonard. Man, that guy was awesome. He talked about the mental and spiritual challenges being just as if not more important than the physical part. He reminded them to remember their POWER:

Persevere
Overcome
Win
Every
Round

and also talked about having “tunnel vision” – just focusing on one’s goal and not getting distracted by outside things. Everyone was very emotional and teary watching him and so was I.

There’s been a fair amount of controversy about coach Jillian yelling at Laura, who has been a bit of a slacker and whiner. I have mixed feelings about this. She HAS been a slacker and whiner. My own trainer has never yelled at me and I am not sure I would be appreciative if he did. But I’m much more of a Kristin than a Laura – if he tells me to do something, I do it. Today I even asked for MORE because I was feeling so pumped up.  I’m not sure if it was the rest day yesterday, or watching BL last night. I always seem to have good workouts on Wednesdays.

In not-so-good news, the scale gave me 2 extra lbs this morning. Does that mean I have to change my weight-loss graphic thingie back to 13? I think not. It will just have to wait for me until it catches back up to 15. I’m not totally surprised or freaked out because there are some hormonal things going on but still, one hates to see that number go UP.

In other news: I now officially weigh a decent amount less than my husband. At one point I actually weighed more than him, and I cannot even express how NOT OKAY this was. He is six or seven inches TALLER than me. And he’s a guy. So for me to weigh more than he does, was just soooooooooo unacceptable. I want to weigh a LOT less than he does, but for now, the little distance is a big improvement.

3

Exercise Motivator: Get Really Cold

Today I spent about four hours standing outside in cold rain, watching my daughter’s crew race. (she was colder than I was!) When I got home, I was really chilled to the bone; my shoes had soaked through, my feet were freezing and I could not warm up. I figure I had three alternatives: crank the heat to 80 (nix that one!), take a hot bath or shower, or I could exercise! I decided to erg for 20 minutes, since I had not done this in a few days. It heated me up and quick!! I was happy to say that I brought my average time (“split”) down another five seconds, to 2:45.8. (last time was 2:50) It is so nice to see real tangible, objective progress. And I was dripping hot after those 20 minutes. Plus I had the image of all those young rowers out on the water to inspire me. All good.

This afternoon I met up with a diet buddy who has already read the Beck book and is dipping her toe in for a go at it. We both promised to write up our Motivating Reasons and email them to each other. I have read this entire book and gotten great things from it, but have not yet DONE any of the suggested exercises. So this is a start.

Also: Went to my one-week weigh in at Weight Watchers this morning, and according to them, lost 3 lbs since last week! I think this may have been a bit of a fudge since my clothes were lighter I think, but I do think I lost between 2-3 lbs. Yay. This was the shakeup I was looking for.

I also bought one of their food scales. I have never in my life weighed a speck of food, and frankly have been afraid of doing so. It has seemed like a really over-the-top thing to do. Like, REALLY? But I realized that I am actually curious about the difference in my eyeball “guestimates” and what food actually weighs/is.  So I’m going to give it a try.  Also, I’ve been looking at the recipes at Biggest Diabetic Loser’s blog and think, how on earth does she lose weight eating this stuff? Some of it just seems too… decadent. But then I think it may have to do with food amounts. She is pretty meticulous about weighing her food. So… we shall see. Something new.

2

A VERY Short but Good Run

So the walk that I pooh-poohed this afternoon (“better than nothing”) turned out to be quite the workout. I walked (quite briskly) for about 90 minutes through the nearby local gorgeous redwood forest. Toward the end, I was really warmed up, and a song came on my iPod that really is physically impossible to walk to. I mean, it’s run or nothing. So I broke into a run – not even a slow run, a pretty fast one – and it felt really, really good! I wasn’t out of breath, or sore, or feeling like “I can’t do this.” I totally COULD do it. This is the difference dropping a dozen pounds make (and more regular exercise). This would have felt SO BAD a couple months ago. I was actually shocked at how natural and good it felt. Of course, I only ran for three minutes (!!) because that’s how long the song lasted. But those few minutes gave me a huge burst of confidence and turned around my usual “dread” feeling about running. And when I came home, the total calories burned came to over 500. Whoo hee!!

Celebrated with a very delicious sashimi dinner. Yummmmm.

1

Sleepy Saturday

I’m really tired today. I woke up at 4:30 because my daughter had a crew race and it wasn’t certain if I was going to drive her, or her dad. Then blew a lot of adrenaline jumping up and down and yelling for her team. When I got home, I had all good intentions of erging, but I’m just. too. tired. So instead of not exercising at all, I’m going to take a very long, steady walk through the trees. Which I’m hoping will be better than nothing.

I went to another WW meeting today, hoping to find that elusive Great Leader. The GL on the schedule was out today, and there was a Not So Great substitute. But I ran into a friend of mine there (surprise!) and we talked for a bit. Turns out she is rowing for a womens’ master team and really, really encouraged me to join. It really does sound like it could be fun, now that I am not so intimidated by the erg machine.

They practice at 5:30 in the morning. Talk about bleary. I either have to force myself to go to bed much, much earlier, or I will end up trashed like I am today.

But… I’m considering it. I’m considering ANYthing these days that will take me in the right direction on this path.

1

Bad Day/Good Day

Yesterday was just one of those super funky days.  Today has been a very good day. The difference? E-X-E-R-C-I-S-E.

So yesterday I got up with good intentions. I put on my workout clothes.  Drove my daughter to school.  My plan was to come back, eat breakfast, charge up my iPod, work out on the erg machine, then shower and go to work. (luckily, or unluckily, I have a VERY flexible schedule and boss)

I had been thinking that maybe I ought to add back some “good carbs” into my eating. I’ve been eating more eggs than I can count, mostly egg whites.  So I thought to change things up I’d have a little oatmeal. Now, I am not a huge fan of oatmeal. I loooove “smooth” hot cereals like Malt O Meal but not sure how it compares health wise. I remembered seeing an ad for Starbucks “Perfect Oatmeal.” I got the oatmeal and was quite charmed by the tiny little packets of brown sugar, chopped nuts and dried fruit. I passed on the sugar, and added about 1/2 packet each of the nuts and fruit. Then I ran into someone I knew and chatted for a while. MISTAKE. When I got to my car, there was a bright green $45 parking ticket. BOOOOOO.

I came home. I was upset. I added up my points for the oatmeal etc and was mad when I realized it was more than I’d anticipated/wanted. I went into a funk. I started fooling around on Twitter/Facebook and before I knew it, hours had passed. I kept saying, “I ought to go exercise” but I didn’t. Then I started feeling HUNGRY and that made me even madder. Damn that oatmeal!!

I ended up not exercising at all. I had to go somewhere and didn’t have time to exercise AND shower, and I really needed to shower. I was in a funk. For some bizarro reason I had the weirdest, strongest craving for HOT DOGS all day. Really? Hot dogs? Why crave what is basically a NON food but really a piece of garbage? I don’t know. But I could not get hot dogs out of my mind.  My brain was crawling with hot dogs.

Fortunately, I practiced some deep breathing and managed to get through the day without eating any hot dogs. I was in a big rush. I ordered Indian food takeout. I ate much much much too quickly although did not eat any naan or rice. It was good but I probably ate too much. (note to self: buy food scale next time at WW) Went out to see a friend’s performance. Bought a bottle of water at intermission. Went to bed vowing to have a better day today.

TODAY, I woke up and after driving girl to school, went straight to my trainer. He was fa-bu-lo-so. He gave me a great Biggest Loser type workout. I felt like Sione. He kept hooting and yelling, GIRL, you are really BRINGING IT! I was happy and sweaty.

I have been having some hip muscle pain for the past couple months -first the inside of my hip (groin) and then it migrated to the outside. My trainer’s bodyworker came in and he so very generously GAVE ME half of his time with her. She had just done this workshop on hips and she was eager to try out all her new tricks. I was so excited!! She worked on me for 30 mins and when I hopped off the table I felt like a million bucks. Seriously. It was sooooooooo good. (note to self: schedule more bodywork)

Then I had a pre-existing appointment to go to this chair massage place (yeah! another bodywork) with a friend. We each got mini 15-minute chair massages which was great since this one focused mostly on my neck and shoulders. YAY. Then we had lunch and I had a very satisfying/modest bean soup, Mediterranean salad and a few steamed clams. All good.

I feel sooooooooooooo much better today.  It’s like a different universe.  I have to remember this every single day. If I don’t get my dose of endorphins, I feel awful. If I do, everything is easier.

4

Better! Better! Better!

I just got a call with my lab test results. It’s only been a month since my first wake-up call lab tests. And while my numbers are not IDEAL, they are much much much better.

I am particularly proud of my triglycerides. Normal is less than 150. A month ago, they measured 240. 😦 And yesterday, they were 185. I am so definitely moving in the right direction.

My blood sugar was 110.  Moving further and further away from that diagnosis, YAY. I feel confident that if I keep this up, my numbers will be absolutely, completely normal.

1

Three Cheers for the Torture Machine

I’m only half kidding when I say that about our beloved (cough) erg machine (ie rowing machine). Both of my daughters, as I’ve mentioned before, are rowers, one on a Division I college level. I’ve watched them and their teammates erg for years. It looks like torture. But they are not kidding when they say that rowing is a full-body sport.

I just got off my third 20-minute erg session. The sweat is running in rivers down my head and body. I know I’ve gotten an amazing workout. And the cool thing is that the machine actually shows you your progress. The first time, I was averaging (“splitting”) 3 minutes and six seconds per 500 meters. (to give you some perspective, the young athletes are always trying to get a “sub-two”) The second time, I got a 2:56 (YAY! a sub-three!!) and today I got down to 2:50.4.  I was very proud of myself. If I can get into the 2:30s by this summer, I will be a happy person.

I have to thank The Biggest Loser and my daughters for even getting me to try this (my older daughter for being an example of a MONSTER rower, and my younger one for not laughing TOO hard when she tried to show me proper form). But it’s a crazy awesome HARD workout that I can do from my garage. With all my best music on my iPod.

Yay for the torture machine!!

Note to self: do NOT eat hard boiled eggs prior to erging. Burps will be very nasty.

I have to say, I’m pretty pumped full of endorphins right now.

1

A Little Wobbly Today

The dreaded Scale saw another one-lb. uptick today. I did not want to see that, and was not expecting it. It immediately made me want to eat something large. After I had that great workout yesterday! And I’ve been eating well! It’s not faiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrr!

I immediately saw the battle ensue in my head. The “sabotaging” voices were up in full chorus, nudging me towards FOOD FOOD FOOD. The “helpful thought” voices were barely whispering.

I managed to get home. Now I am going to boil a couple of eggs (haven’t had breakfast yet, other than coffee). I’m going to set up the Wii Fit because I want to start a Wii Fit challenge on Facebook. Maybe I will try the ergometer (rowing machine) in the garage. Last night my daughter tried to teach me proper form and I was totally hopeless. She was actually incredulous that two seconds after she said, “ARMS-BODY-LEGS,” I would immediately do it in some ridiculous order like LEGS ARMS BODY, which is almost physically impossible, but I managed. I am so ridiculously uncoordinated.

But the thing is I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING other than feel sorry for myself and eat. Wish me luck. Or courage. Or something. I’ll check back later.

———–

UPDATE: It took me almost ALL DAY of procrastinating, but I finally got onto the erg machine. It was HARD. I have an even bigger newfound respect and awe for my daughters, who so seriously kick butt at this. I limped along for 20 minutes. It was haarrrrrrrd! But I sweated like a pig and did not injure myself and needless to say felt quite proud when I got off. I was going for 30 but thought I can save that for NEXT time. And, hah, I sweated off a pound. Hee.

Oh and PS, after that I got on the Wii Fit which felt kind of silly in comparison. (kind of??) but I did some advanced step (advanced if you’re 80 yrs old) and some boxing (spazz) and some Hula Hoop.

So, I feel better. Thanks erg machine, thanks daughter for the pep talk and thanks someday. You all pulled me through.

2

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