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Is it a “Special Day” or is it Cheating?

Yesterday was my husband’s birthday. He asked for a special birthday dinner, and made his specific requests for the menu: crab cakes, cauliflower au gratin, asparagus, Prosecco, chocolate cake and vanilla ice cream.

It was HIS birthday so I was happy to grant all of his requests. As I was shopping at Whole Foods I thought about what and how much of this dinner I would eat.  I thought about the chocolate cake especially, since I haven’t eaten any sugar since the day I began this blog in January.

I ate very lightly all day (in WW speak, one would call this “banking” one’s points). I divided the (pretty large) crab cakes in half to make smaller ones.  I roasted the asparagus in the oven with garlic and lemon. When it came time for dinner, I ate one of the (half sized) crab cakes. Six or seven asparagii. A fairly generous helping of the cauliflower – it was soo good. When hubby popped the Prosecco he asked if I wanted a glass. (I also haven’t had alcohol since January) I said yes. It was sooo delicous. I enjoyed every drop.

Then it was cake time. I asked for 1/3 of an already small slice, probably about 3-4 forkfuls. I added about two tablespoons of extra-light ice cream. I sat and looked at it for several minutes.  The Beck book has an exercise where one is encouraged to visualize how one will feel AFTER eating a certain food, and if it feels bad (guilt, remorse, self-hatred etc) then there’s your answer. I decided I was not going to flog myself or feel bad if I ate that small amount of dessert.

I savored it. I savored every bite. It was so delicious. I also noticed that the first two bites were the best and I could’ve stopped there (and will if this comes up in the future). But the thing that was different from the past is that I didn’t let it be the “gateway” to, say, eating half the cake. I didn’t beat myself up over it, in fact it made me feel really happy.

Some food plans allow for occasional forays into eating foods that one would not eat on a normal basis. They believe that these occasional releases of pressure allow you to continue forward without a feeling of deprivation. Other programs believe that you can never stray from your prescribed program because it’s just a slippery slope to hell, or falling off the wagon completely. I am sure that this is true for many people – that one taste of something and BOOM, they’re done for.

Of course the danger is that “every day can be a special day” mentality can creep in and before you know it, you’re eating chocolate cake 24/7.

I don’t feel like I need chocolate cake again for a very long time. Maybe I’ll look back on this day as the Beginning of the End. I hope not.

The whole day was very interesting for me. I didn’t struggle. I didn’t feel bad. I thought about the choices long and hard, and in the end, I was happy.

Now, I’m going for a big long walk and a row on the machine.

2

Food Food Everywhere…. and What to Eat?

Just finished watching THE most awesome episode of Top Chef… in New Orleans! I looooove New Orleans and love eating in New Orleans. Is it sicko that I love The Biggest Loser and ALSO Top Chef?  My husband is from New Orleans and has lots of family there, so we have had our share of visits over the years.  I’ve never been “on a diet” on any visit there and so my head was spinning watching the beignets (fried dough! yum!), the seafood, the grits, the gumbo, all of it.

I guess it’s good to watch it and have some sort of vicarious thrill, without ingesting a single calorie… in that way I guess TC is a good thing. But it also really revs up those cravey vibes. Hmm. (I’m not giving up my Top Chef! Not yet!!!)

But speaking of food, I am trying to figure out what diet to actually be on. Maybe the endocrinologist will tell me next week. But I still think I need to settle on something. I’ve been doing a rather loosey-goosey version of South Beach that I think has taken me about as far as it can.

I actually went back to the Weight Watchers site this week and downloaded the local meeting schedule into my calendar/phone. I have very mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I’ve had great success with WW in the past. On the other hand, I’ve also had abysmal failures, mostly due to having a bad attitude. I think I’ve got my Attitude in hand now, so maybe I ought to give it another try. (sigh) I don’t know.

A friend of mine has been telling me of her success with Overeaters Anonymous (OA) and particularly the very hard-core “Grey Sheet” which limits one’s food choices to a certain list. All I know is that it does not include white (?) flour and sugar. I’m fine with that. But also avocados! Can I live with that? I don’t know. I also am extremely ambivalent about the weighing/measuring/planning/sponsor thing. If I compare my level of food addiction to an alcohol addiction, I’d say that I wouldn’t be the kind of drunk who blacks out and is violent and can seriously harm self or others. I’m the kind who occasionally gets drunk at parties and sometimes questions or regrets having had a drink or two too many.  So I do not know if I need THAT LEVEL of intervention.

When I read the Beck Diet Solution book, it really spoke to me. It made sense to me. It resonated and I felt seen, understood, busted, and supported all at once. Which was great. But it basically leaves the readers on their own to find a diet that works for them. I feel like I’m still working on that.

Tonight I bought an e-book by this guy, whom I’ve been following on Twitter for a while. I know it’s got that hokey, infomercial, over exclamation-pointed feel, but I’ve read a bunch of his blog posts and they seem to make a lot of sense.  It’s pretty much a low-carbish, spread-your-meals-out sort of thing, which I think makes sense for someone who tends toward the diabetic side.  I’m going to read his book over the next few days and probably make that my diet.

I want to be really conscious about this decision and make sure it’s something I can live with. I’m not sure I can live with anything that would not allow me at least one delicious meal in New Orleans… okay, I’ll forget the beignets, but not the oyster stew.

4

A Little Wobbly Today

The dreaded Scale saw another one-lb. uptick today. I did not want to see that, and was not expecting it. It immediately made me want to eat something large. After I had that great workout yesterday! And I’ve been eating well! It’s not faiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrr!

I immediately saw the battle ensue in my head. The “sabotaging” voices were up in full chorus, nudging me towards FOOD FOOD FOOD. The “helpful thought” voices were barely whispering.

I managed to get home. Now I am going to boil a couple of eggs (haven’t had breakfast yet, other than coffee). I’m going to set up the Wii Fit because I want to start a Wii Fit challenge on Facebook. Maybe I will try the ergometer (rowing machine) in the garage. Last night my daughter tried to teach me proper form and I was totally hopeless. She was actually incredulous that two seconds after she said, “ARMS-BODY-LEGS,” I would immediately do it in some ridiculous order like LEGS ARMS BODY, which is almost physically impossible, but I managed. I am so ridiculously uncoordinated.

But the thing is I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING other than feel sorry for myself and eat. Wish me luck. Or courage. Or something. I’ll check back later.

———–

UPDATE: It took me almost ALL DAY of procrastinating, but I finally got onto the erg machine. It was HARD. I have an even bigger newfound respect and awe for my daughters, who so seriously kick butt at this. I limped along for 20 minutes. It was haarrrrrrrd! But I sweated like a pig and did not injure myself and needless to say felt quite proud when I got off. I was going for 30 but thought I can save that for NEXT time. And, hah, I sweated off a pound. Hee.

Oh and PS, after that I got on the Wii Fit which felt kind of silly in comparison. (kind of??) but I did some advanced step (advanced if you’re 80 yrs old) and some boxing (spazz) and some Hula Hoop.

So, I feel better. Thanks erg machine, thanks daughter for the pep talk and thanks someday. You all pulled me through.

2

I (Heart) Biggest Loser

I know, I know, it’s junky reality tv, but it inspires me. It truly does. Last night was one of my favorite episodes.  So the first challenge involved running up and down a hill to get keys (one at a time) to fit into these two padlocks on the workout gym. People were desperate to keep their access to the gym. I was wondering what this was about but I think it might have had something to do with the machines- the elliptical, the treadmill, stairmaster, etc. The numbers on those machines can be very seductive, especially when they measure your progress, with speed, resistance and calories burned. It can be great to know you’ve just burned X number of calories.

I don’t feel all that attached to my gym. I do enough workouts in “alternative” settings that I know it all works, and sometimes it just feels so good to be outside.

So two teams of two got gym access and they immediately turned it into a … lounge? With comfy chairs, tea, water and fresh cut fruit. So they could lounge around instead of work out!

Meanwhile, the out-of-the-gym teams had these crazy workouts where they were lifting lawn furniture, leaping over barrels, running on the beach with enormous logs on their shoulders… it was insane and cool. They also had a really fun looking mud-wrestling fight after that. I really like this season’s people. They know how to have fun and they SUPPORT each other in a really heartwarming way.

My particular family was also VERY jazzed about last night’s show because the elimination challenge involved – erg machines! Ergometers! Or, if you must call them that (much to daughter’s exasperation): rowing machines. My two daughters have collectively pulled hundreds of thousands of kilometers on those very machines. They kick ass. So it was a personal thrill to see the Biggest Loser teams trying to erg their way to immunity. Wooo!

My favorite moment was when Bob (whom I do not particularly like) talked about Kristin, the young woman who weighs more than 300 lbs. She does EVERYthing. He said, “No matter what I ask of her, she always does it. She does not whine or complain. She puts her all in.” And she talked about weighing almost 400 lbs? before the show and how she had no idea”this girl who could do this” was living inside her. It brought tears to my eyes.

So I went to my trainer today and was determined to be Just. Like. Kristin.  She has SO much to overcome, and she is hanging in there, so steady. I have great admiration for her. And he was duly impressed. I basically said, I am never going to complain again. Even when he had me doing my personal nemesis, which is jumproping. I am just a spaz. I am very very bad at it. But I kept going, and got my 100 jumps in, and that was that. It was a great workout. I love working out on Wednesdays after watching Biggest Loser!

Now that I am finally HOME and settled and not traveling very much for a long time, I am hopeful I can really get into a routine. I also want to get together my in-person and online Beck Diet Solution support group. I am going to go through that book from front to back.

Let me know if you want to join in. (online)

2

Shrinking

My stomach is really shrinking. Or maybe I am just paying much more attention to its fullness level. They say that your stomach is roughly the size of your fist, but it can stretch to much more that size if you stuf it full, kind of like a stuff sack for a sleeping bag. (ugh)

I was so so hungry and wasn’t able to eat lunch today until 3:30. I had a chicken breast (out of a sandwich, didn’t eat the bread) and about a cup of fruit salad. And then I felt stuffed. That is so so so so not my norm I can’t even say, but I am eating slowly and trying to pay attention to bodily sensations.

Last night after having an extremely modest early dinner (grilled eggplant appetizer plus some cold tofu, at a Japanese restaurant) I did a reading at a bookstore and met up with an old friend. She hadn’t eaten dinner so we went out fo 2nd dinner at this Middle Eastern place. I was intending to eat just a taste, but everything was so so so good. Various eggplant spreads (yes, I LOVE eggplant), and this amazing roasted feta cheese with tomatoes and olives. It was crazy good. I didn’t stuff myself, but it was more than a “taste.” This was my first “overage” experience this trip. I also didn’t eat any bread with all the dips. Guess what? Dips taste delicious even without something to dip them in!!

Now I’m hitting the road to go see my daughter. I am happy.

1

Can Blogging Save Me from Eating?

(wrote this yesterday while traveling, and the answer to the title is YES)

I’m on the first leg of my trip. I just landed in the airport of the city where my birth mother lives. (back story: I was adopted as a baby, found her when I was in college, and have had a rollercoaster relationship with her for the past 28 years) It used to be when I stopped in her city for a layover, she would come to the airport, if only for an hour, and would bring me goodies to eat. Talk about food associations! She knew I loved cheese and once brought me an adorable little cheese basket with all sorts of fancy cheese and crackers. Once, she came with my (half) brother and his newborn baby. I have so many associations of very intense, brief meetings in this building; ones that had my adrenaline pouring through my body and leaving me limp on the next flight. I have two hours to lay over here this afternoon. As soon as I stepped into the gate area, I was hit with a rush of emotion and memory. And of course I immediately wanted to eat. And drink (alcohol). I rarely drink and when I do drink, it’s very little, so you know this has to be an extreme situation. I wandered into one restaurant and glanced at the menu briefly. It looked too dangerous so I left. I wouldn’t be able to trust myself to order a salad or something reasonable.

I’m sitting in an isolated little area with some chairs, in between the moving walkways. I have an apple and a mandarin orange in my bag, plus a container of yogurt that smells like it might have exploded in the flight. I’ll eat the orange and see if I feel better. It does help to write it. To write it, write it instead of eating it. This is one of the biggest triggers I have, my relationship with this woman. Breathe. Breathe. Look for the orange.

Aw crap, my yogurt broke. My apple and orange are covered in it. I have to go to the restroom and rinse them off. I wish I had my Beck book with me. I have it but it’s in my checked suitcase. OK, what would she say? You’re not going to die from these emotions. Just feel it. I feel like I am five years old and I am struggling to understand why my mama does not love me. Just got a text message from my daughter. She is holding me up. I can get through this without eating. I have to go wash off my fruit because I really AM hungry.

Epilogue: I ate my orange and some cheese. I talked (texted) with my daughter. She brought me back from the edge. I cried. I wrote. I paced around. And GUESS WHAT? The emotions passed. They really did. And I did not, for once in my life, turn to food for solace.

Ten gold stars, baby.

8

Dagnabbit.

Another @*#&! learning experience!

I was doing SO WELL this weekend! Until last night, my small downfall, but still, at this point, small things can undo me. So, I planned a potluck dinner with some great women friends. I was so excited. I made a beautiful healthy fibery Greek lentil soup (with lemon and rosemary). Everyone who brought food brought SUPER healthy stuff; vegan dishes, salads, etc. Which is what “confused” me. If people had brought huge pans of lasagne, or cakes and whatnot, I would have stayed away with a ten-foot pole, but the healthy food was so delicious looking that I ended up filling my plate too full. I was not attending to portion control because I was so excited and happy to be with all of these women. I ate too much. THEN, when people were having dessert (which I did not touch), I went back and had another 1/2 bowl of soup as “my dessert.” What was that about? I was already full! But I guess I wanted to have something when everyon else was eating chocolate brownies and pound cake and biscotti.

I felt fuller than I had in a long time. Bleah.

And this morning, I was up .8 lb. Not a huge amount, but damnit I wanted to keep going DOWN DOWN, and I could’ve if I’d kept my wits about me last night.

So I’ve brought my lunch to work and have it all carefully planned out.

Another (ouch) learning experience.

Take home lesson: Just because it’s “healthy” doesn’t mean you can eat a ton of it. DUH.

2

Good Day

I had a good day today, foodwise. I really did not struggle at all. I had a small breakfast then went up to visit the camp site where the camp I coordinate will be held this summer. It’s a new place, and I needed to check it out. One of the many reasons we switched sites is that the food at the old site was terrible, healthwise. It was basically pure, heavy carbs most meals with few options, iceberg lettuce, Kool-Aid… etc. This camp is the pinnacle of my year, both in terms of how exciting it is but also with stress. It’s great, but it’s also 24/7 stress for 6 days. Normally I eat like a HOG at camp, piling up the food just so I can stay grounded and not explode. Last year I think I gained 4 lbs at camp. I always gain weight there.

We were invited to have lunch at the new site today. First there was a big “buffet” (not a massive one, just for the lunch offerings). The main entree was grilled chicken breasts (how perfect is THAT) which you could make into sandwiches, so there was a big pan of chicken with really nice spices, then it had rolls and lettuce and cheese. I didn’t make a sandwich. Also, big pans of grilled veggies (NICE!!!) and other stuff. THEN an enormous salad bar with spring mix lettuce! not just iceberg!! and a huuuuuge array of salad toppings, real high quality stuff like garbanzos, kidney beans, cucumber, broccoli, tomatoes, onions, shredded cheeses, olives. It went on and on. They also had a soup bar which they say is available at every meal.  SO in the event that they do not have a good choice for the entree, I can always have soup and/or salad. I am so psyched. Because even if I am a stressball at camp, I can make decent choices and not just hog out on Sloppy Joes.

I am one of those people who actually does not mind gross high-school cafeteria style food. I love Sloppy Joes, and mac and cheese (of course) and all manner of stuff that most people would never touch. Well, no more. I’m not touching it any more.

So I had a very lovely warm grilled chicken salad for lunch, and I was very happy!

THEN I went to a big parents’ meeting for my daughter’s sports team. I gave a brief presentation and was all full of adrenaline. I saw a bunch of old friends and was all buzzy with energy. There were FOUR TABLES of DESSERTS at this thing. Just piled HIGH: brownies, cookies, dips, chips, cake, you name it. Normally I would have hoovered through this thing, especially being all wired up from speaking. But what did I have, folks? Nothing! NOTHING! I was very proud of myself. I wasn’t even remotely tempted or feeling resentful or sad about not being able to eat anything. I just sailed on past.

I was hungry by the time I got home. I didn’t want to cook. My family and I went to a fancy-ish Italian restaurant nearby. I ordered a bowl of mushroom soup. It had cream in it, was really rich, and so delicious. I had like 1/3 of the bowl and then gave the rest away. I was starting to feel full just from that small amount. Then I had a beautiful salad of crabmeat, red peppers, papaya, onions, lettuces and a tiny bit of avocado. It was insanely good but again, I felt full (!!! shrinking stomach!!) and only ate about half. My mother kept giving me concerned looks. “Is that all you’re going to eat??” “Is that your DINNER?” but I just smiled serenely. I was really happy with the whole thing. The food was yummy but I never got uncomfortably full. I drank a couple glasses of water.

So that was my eating day. I felt really happy about it. Maybe I am getting the hang of this, a little bit!

0

Choices

Basically, that’s the bottom line, isn’t it? Making choices every minute of the day. Paper or plastic, pasta or pickles…

I have some tough choices coming up this weekend.  I decided to organize that Hill challenge on Sunday, and then I was going to go to meet an longtime online friend, who is here from across the country. Some other friends organized a brunch for her at this fancy seafood place. I thought this fancy place was 15 minutes from my house, and I scheduled accordingly, but as it turns out, they ALSO have a restaurant an hour away.

It’s at the one an hour away.

So. I could

1) cancel the Hill challenge. (NO WAY!!!!!!!)

2) I could go late to the brunch.

3) I could send my regrets and not go to the brunch and try to figure out a different way to meet up with said friend.

What do you think I should do? I am going to do the right thing. I am doing #3. At first it seemed easy and all worked out. But I am also hosting another social event that same night, and do I need two entire social temptations in one day? No I do not. I am NOT going to skip or cut short the hill thing.

But I imagined myself rushing down to this restaurant, being all stressed out, feeling awkward because I am arriving so late, and thus… wanting to EAT TOO MUCH or the wrong thing. No thanks.

It’s not worth it, is it? When I really think about it, the choice is so obvious and easy and clear. And now, think of all the calories and money and gas and time I will save by not going.

I’m sad to not see this friend but I hope it will work out together to see her another time.

I can’t tell you, that 8x out of 10 I would have done option #2 (OR, heaven forbid, #1) and that, dear friends, is how I got to be overweight and medically compromised.

2

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