struggle

Lessons Learned from a Hard Week

I really want to thank everyone for the good wishes for my mom. It’s only been a week but it feels like one of the longest weeks ever! Tonight I think I can safely say she is definitely on the mend. After not wanting to eat a bite all week, tonight she asked if we would order Chinese takeout for dinner and she snarfed down a huge plate with gusto. WHEW.

It’s been tough, and rough, but she is one resilient lady. I have spent the week sleeping on the floor of her room, helping her up in the night. Tonight I am sleeping in my own bed again. She can once again make her way up and down the stairs and is taking the doggie for short walks down the street. This is amazing considering where she was just a few days ago.

I have to admit not taking great care of myself this week. For the first few days, she didn’t eat, and I didn’t eat. Then I lost a bunch of sleep. Then when she seemed to get better I suddenly wanted to eat everything in sight. I ate more Chinese food tonight than I think I have in years. Ah well.

This week taught me that I can’t succumb to stress. What if it had lasted longer than a week? Tonight I plan to get a good night’s sleep, then start tomorrow with some good activity and getting back on track.

It’s an old, old lesson but one that needs to be learned over and over again. Food doesn’t fix stress. But some reptilian part of my brain stubbornly wants to believe that it does.

Again, thank y’all for the warm wishes. I think they truly helped. oxoxo

June 12, 2011 9

To Bay to Breakers Or Not To Bay to Breakers? That is the ?

I’ve dreamed of running in the wacky, huge, only-in-San Francisco Bay to Breakers race ever since I moved here in 1982. And then for many years that dream receded into “Yeah, just like I’ll win the lottery”! unachievable fantasyland. But in recent years it’s seemed do-able. So this year I was very very excited to register for the 100th (!!!) Bay to Breakers race.

I registered MONTHS ago.

Then my workplace scheduled its annual weekend spa retreat (seriously!!) on the SAME weekend. Yeah, one of the greatest perks of this job is the annual (paid) retreat to this very nice hot and cold springs spa. It’s NICE. Everyone goes and just has a great weekend. This was very disappointing, but the plan was that I would go up to the spa on Friday afternoon, then leave on Saturday evening so I could be home, get ready and race on Sunday morning.

This was my plan until just this week when I began realizing that B2B is no 5k. It’s a 12k – over 7 miles – and I have NOT TRAINED. And there is very little time for me to do so between now and then.

Ack.

So, these are my options as I see them:

1. I can stick to Plan A, go to the race, and do the best I can, which could end up being running, walking, or doing a combo of the two. (most likely scenario)

2. I could just scrap it and stay with my family in Calistoga the whole weekend for some much needed soaking and R & R. Ahhhhhh.

This decision is compounded by the fact that even though there will be hundreds of thousands of people, I am virtually doing this race alone. I know two people who are doing it, but we haven’t like formed a caterpillar or made up wacky customs or even made plans to meet up. I asked a ton of people to do it with me, but nobody else signed up. 😦 One of the funnest parts of B2B is doing it with a bunch of friends who all dress up (or run naked, heh) and that just won’t be my experience this year.

SO. What should I do? Part of me is/was so excited for this race, but I so freaking hate being unprepared.

What should I dooooooooo??????????????

————————————UPDATE —————————————————————

This process has been so interesting! Yes, the unofficial poll of comments here and on FB say that “spa!” is winning. So a few days ago, I decided I’d pass my race bib to my friend @Pubsgal. THEN I realized I had opted out of the mail-in race packet option, and I had to go to the race Expo to pick up my number.

Well. THAT changed everything. Because as in “If You Give A Mouse A Cookie” and one thing leads to another, I know myself. I know that if I attend that expo, I am sure as heck want to do that race. The energy and buzz inside an expo is so exhilarating and it just gets me so pumped for a race. I love race expos! I think I went to the Las Vegas one like THREE TIMES before the half marathon.

I also realized, if I go to the spa Friday afternoon, I can really have 24 full hours of R & R. It’s like having my cake and eating it too!

So yesterday I thought I better go out and see if I can do the distance. I decided I’d try and do the 7 miles and see how it felt. After the first half mile of WALKING, my ankle was feeling truly jankety and unstable and I had funny little shooting pains. And I thought, “that’s it. NO RACE.” I felt sad but also that it was a clear answer.

Wait a minute. One of my “running” songs came on my iPod and I gingerly starting running a bit. The pain went away. For real.

My miles 2-5 were GREAT feeling. And then of course I was like, yeah! Bring it on! I’m doing Bay to Breakers!

I had to end my run at 6.1 miles because Juniorette was finishing up her own (rowing) race at that moment and I wanted to be there at HER finish line. So I stopped. But was feeling just fine.

So… as of right now…. it’s on, baby.

May 4, 2011 17

The Binge That Wasn’t

Kleenex, a photo by Nele en Jan on Flickr.

I thought for sure I was headed for some sort of binge today. I could feel a intense vibrating inside my body, which in years past was almost a precursor to a mindless snarfing down of any edible thing in my path. Today was the funeral of a friend and colleague of mine, who died last week. But I’ve been numb for a week, numb and busy and somehow not really able to comprehend that her death (unexpected and tragic) was true.

This morning as I prepared to go to the service, I knew that I was going to have to face what I had tried to avoid all week. And as I said, I could feel this vibration inside me, this out of control shaking that in the past could only be calmed with food. This feeling that I could fly apart into a thousand pieces if I didn’t somehow anesthetize myself.

I was nervous. But also somewhat resigned. It was going to happen. A voice inside me didn’t care. It was ready. I went into the service feeling defeated, but also a sense of “Whatever it takes to get through this.”

Soon after I got there one of my dearest friends came and sat next to me. I could feel myself starting to fall apart. Seeing all the people who loved and cared for this person. Someone came up to me and said, “You have to keep it together for all the rest of us.” I think I literally squeaked, “ME?” and then shook my head like, oh no, I’m not taking that job. Because I have been keeping it together all week – in meetings, on the phone, in the office, at my work. And I knew today that it was all going to come down.

As I listened to my friend’s family members- her brother and sister and dear friends, and our mutual boss and friend – speak about her, I could feel myself slowly “leaking.” The tears were dripping down. And then finally one of my camp counselors got up to speak and I just freaking LOST IT. I sobbed totally out of control.

It was a beautiful, wrenching, excruciating and incredible service. And when it was over and I got up to go to the catered luncheon, I knew that I was not going to binge out. That vibrating feeling? Had been totally calmed after I had my good cry.

It was one of those moments.

May 4, 2011 8

Yoga KICKED MY BUTT. But I might go back…

I haven’t done yoga in many, many years. In fact you might say I have had a yoga phobia. I’m not even sure why.

When I was in college (like a million years ago!) my boyfriend and I took up a home course in Bikram yoga after seeing the extremely sexy and appealing yoga-in-a-Turkish-prison scene in Midnight Express. It looked pretty irresistable. So we bought this book, and I bought a Danskin leotard (LOL) and we commenced to learn the poses along with Bikram and his cast of inflexible movie stars. (he had these hilarious pose photos – you can do it perfectly like Bikram here, but if you are a normal person with hamstrings of concrete, you may do it like … Debbie Reynolds!) But seeing the imperfect movie stars was kind of reassuring.

After that one stint of doing yoga in- what – 1978? I stopped and actually have not been back since. I’ve had a weird chip on my shoulder and I don’t even know why. At some point I came to associate yoga with sanctimonious Cafe Gratitude– type vegans AND with women who put on makeup and $150 Lululemon clothes to exercise. I mean, if you’re going to do yoga, I kind of think you ought to be doing it while wearing rags on a concrete floor. LOL. It’s supposed to be a spiritual practice, not a practice in consumerism and looking stylish.

Also, I can’t sit upright with my legs extended and since you have to do that ALL THE TIME in yoga, it makes me feel cranky and inadequate. Maybe that’s the REAL reason.

BUT… my friend who moved to New York was back in town for just a few days, and she invited me to her favorite yoga class, and said the instructor is AMAZING, and then we were going to go to the Bakesale for Japan together, and it’s really the only opportunity we had to get together, so… what the heck. I went.

First of all. This was a Level 2-3 class. Hahahaha. Second of all, it was PACKED. (popular teacher/ Saturday morning) Thirdly, I thought it was an hour class but it turned out to be 90 minutes more like 100 because he went overtime. YOW.

It started out innocuously enough. Some “getting in touch with your breath/body” stuff which segued into some very gentle neck stretches, and it had been going on forever, and I thought, not so bad.

Then it got bad.

There was a lot of downward dog and plank activity, and warrior pose stuff and even flying on one leg, but the thing that got to me was the Rabbit. (picture above) Except we not only did it like the picture, we also did it while our back quarters were still downward dogging, and one leg up in the air. We were to put all the weight of our bodies on our HAIRLINE. I mean, ow.

This yoga is no joke, people. I have had a few forays into “gentle” yoga or “restorative” yoga and this was a total kickass workout. I was shaking and trembling and sweating and really FEELING IT. It felt like it went on and on forever, but in fact it was around 95 minutes. Give or take.

When it was over, I was trembling like a scared Chihuaha for about an hour. I felt really… shaky. But then after that I felt good. Really good.

That’s my takeaway message. I’m probably going to do more yoga because it’s like good medicine. I think it’s good for me and does things that my other workouts don’t do. I’m going to start investigating different classes and see which ones might be a good fit for me. This one was pretty hardcore. At one point people were actually doing HEADSTANDS and I was like… whaaaaattttt? No way I was even going to go there. But it was good, and I do think another barrier was broken in Foodie McBody-land.

After the class we went over to the main Bakesale for Japan location. In my mind I was thinking this might be a day when I’d break my chip vow and try some sugar. Everything looked freaking AMAZING. But in the end, I decided it wasn’t worth it to me. I took a tiny nibble of something called a “sesame stick” and it was on the sweet side so I didn’t eat any more. But I also got some miso pork (made from Sendai miso, how perfect could that be?) and some farm eggs and little cheddar crisps made from cheese and black rice – wow, right? Yum.

It was a good day. And I definitely stayed on track, both exercise and sugarwise. Yay!

Tell me: what do YOU think of yoga? What kind do you do? What kind do you like?

April 2, 2011 19

Running Does Not = StairClimbing!

note: this is NOT MY BUTT. No resemblance whatsoever.

Wow did I have wakeup call today. It was really illuminating, my first unofficial “training” for the Stair Climb event in March.

I work in a building that is 18 stories (ie 36 flights) high. I thought it would be interesting to climb the entire height of it after work, just to get a sense of what it would feel like.

WELL. It was … interesting.

First, it felt like pain. Like after the 2nd story. My thighs were screaming out, like, WTH are you DOING TO ME?!!?!? in chorus. Secondly, I was definitely “fighting for air” and not in the metaphorical sense. In the real sense. Pant! Pant!

But the weirdest thing was how fast it went. I mean, I went up to the 21st story (ie roof) so actually climbed 20 stories (40 flights) in about six minutes, or two songs’ worth on my iPod. That was just… weird. I guess I just expected it to take me at least half an hour. But a flight of steps, although STRAIGHT UP, is not that much actual distance. So. That was just a strange thing to wrap my head around.

So I guess I’m gonna have to roughly do my building times 3. All at once. Hmph. I was really not sprinting, I was pretty much walking steady. It was hard. It hurt. But it went… FAST! Which is I guess the very good thing about this activity.

Speaking of the Stair Climb, have you put in your donation yet? So you can win a pretty quilt? Please please do!

February 8, 2011 8

Tired.

I think I may have had a bit of a relapse since tromping around the snow in New Mexico. Since I’ve been back, I feel like I’ve been getting tireder and tireder. I’ve had two not-very-intense workouts with my trainer – the first one resulted in some kind of weird pulled hamstring/groin situation from doing the basic lunges I have done EVERY WORKOUT FOR YEARS (this really annoyed me!), and today (in order to avoid the pulled hamstring) I just did the elliptical plus some ab and pushup stuff, and it just knocked me out. I feel like I have just enough energy (almost) to get through my work but then I am spent.

I am so grateful to have this 3-day weekend to just REST. And maybe attempt some kind of slow long walk. But it’s weird and disconcerting. I still have a bunch of gunk in my throat, my voice isn’t right, and my head feels like it’s full of fog. It’s hard to think. Wahh.

Ever since I started this blog, my two greatest fears were illness and injury. Right now I feel like I have a little bit of both. I’m trying not to freak out. I am trying to be patient and just wait it out. It’s not easy. I have all kinds of stuff I need/want to do, but right now, again, I guess the top thing is rest.

Sigh.

January 15, 2011 9

Discombobulated

I had written this post in my head during a very funky run I did on Monday. I felt really messed up. After two days of eating and sloth, I felt really yucky on Monday. Can just two days produce such a change? Yes. But I was feeling funky for many reasons.

Junior was enroute to her solo adventure in Thailand. Her landing and arrival in country was kind of on the bumpy side, resulting in Not Much Sleep the night before. Fretful.
I’d eaten too much over the weekend, like I said, and it really took a toll. It wasn’t a HUGE amount but it was more than I am used to and different types of foods – more carbs – than I usually eat. So I felt like a bloated slug.
My trainer is on vacation until 2011 and I really really miss him! Plus the combo of running and core/weights that seem to keep me in balance.
The Garmin Forerunner that I’d asked Santa for had arrived. I was very excited about this, but when I took it out of the box and set it up, all kinds of weird things began happening to me, psychologically. The reason I had wanted this device was so that I could track my pace and mileage and routes without draining my iPhone (on which I was using Runkeeper). But when I went to set it up, I was taken aback by the tininess of the numbers and buttons and things (old eyes, much?). THEN when I had to set up my profile I got to see their standards: their “walking” was pretty much equal to my “jogging” and their “slow jogging” was about the same pace as my breakneck sprint. As for “running,” I could not move that fast in my wildest dreams. For some reason this affected me WAY MORE than it should have. I mean it threw me into a downward spiral slump and made me develop an instant hatred for this poor inanimate gadget. Suddenly I felt inadequate and ridiculous and like such a stupid poser. (“You think you’re a runner? HAH!”) But it really, really affected me. So much so that when I went for my run, I was already in a terrible mood. I sat in the car at the starting point for an HOUR (I am not kidding) grumbling and cursing. Finally I got out of the car and pushed “START” on the Garmin. And: I kid you not, it took the thing SIX MINUTES to “locate satellites” to active the GPS. By this point I was really, really annoyed that my first 6 minutes were not being recorded. Then about 5 minutes later I realized I had to pee. Major discomfort. No bathroom. I walked, grumpily, a few miles to a nearby hotel. Used the bathroom and then sat down in the lobby to pout. At that moment, Junior texted me from Thailand which instantly perked me up. The rest of the run was better. Not stellar, but better. It was on the short side because I just wanted to get it OVER with.
Much as I have longed for this week off from work, it was also fraught with expectation. I had plans to meet with friends I never see, exercise, rest, declutter my entire house (HA), buy a new car and get some writing done. It was completely unrealistic and the truth of this was sinking in to me big time.
Much as I love having unstructured time, it also can be a tyrant.

So this final week of the year has been kind of funky. I did manage to buy a new car (yay) but that in itself was very very stressful and took almost three entire days. I have not done an iota of decluttering. I have not sent out my holiday cards. And today I woke up with a sore throat and cough which was both distressing and a relief. I’m not doing anything for New Year’s eve tonight. Tomorrow, I’ve been invited to a lovely open house party, but… more food? Do I really need that? I think not.

Sunday morning I will be leading the very first WW meeting of the year! in our area and I am excited about that. I think I just need to take it very, very slowly and not pile too much on my schedule. I want to savor these last days of vacation and be ready for a very busy week ahead.

December 31, 2010 13

All the Invisible Nudges

I am really indebted to my Invisible Friends for my run tonight. I had sort of vague plans to do some sort of exercise today, but I’d written off running because I thought it was supposed to rain all week. But then it didn’t really rain today – it was more cloudyesque. I got out of work early (yay! 1:00pm! no more of that job until 2011!) and thought I’d go right away, especially when I got a message from Sportsfan, who had just done a 5 mile run. I noticed I felt slightly envious and slightly… er, competitive. I realized I had not run in over a week.

Earlier this week I Tweeted that one’s identity as a runner has to be constantly renewed or else it kind of dissipates. It’s much like one’s identity as a writer, which I also struggle with on an ongoing basis. It doesn’t matter if one has published a book or run a half marathon– if you don’t keep going, that identity will melt away over time. It’s not like getting a professional degree, which you can just renew by sending in a check to the state every few years. I didn’t fret about “not really being a physical therapist” until about ten YEARS had passed without practicing. It’s not like that with running.

My running identity was definitely getting melty this week. I was overwhelmed with Christmas shopping and prep and a million little errands that chipped away at my exercise time.

I did some errands after work. Time was chipping away. I had some late lunch. I got kind of sleepy. But then I saw some Tweets. @Diegirl said she was either going to sleep or nap. I told HER to run. She did!

I went and put on my running stuff. By then it was almost 4pm. I sat in the car and twiddled around with my iPod, allegedly “charging it up” but I knew I was procrastinating. I tweeted so.

That got me going. Somebody noticed! Their nudges and encouraging me really got me OUT of the car and onto that trail.

Right away, I felt like something was wrong with my legs. My calves were tight as cement and felt like they had golf balls stuck in them. The first mile felt terrible. I thought there was no way I’d make it more than a few miles. But then I cranked up the good music and just kept going. And lo and behold, by mile 1.5 the golf balls started softening up and everything started feeling loosey-goosey and a lot better.

Meanwhile, it was getting darker out. And darker. This is what happens when you start a 5+ mile run at around 4:15pm on the shortest day of the year. Whoops!

My body actually felt pretty good but I didn’t finish until close to 6pm and it was DARK DARK DARK. But it was true that I felt really good and really glad I’d gone. I was so thankful to all my invisible running friends: @letitgo8 and @diegirl who nudged me out of the car, and Sportsfan who motivated me by his own run earlier in the day, and @bitchcakesny who has been really upping her running game, and @mpkann who just returned to running after patiently healing from a hurt knee. All of you have inspired me so much. Ultimately, we are alone in this, and we make the decision whether to lace up the shoes and either go for a run or take a nap. Thank you for helping me make a good decision today.

I love my invisible community!

Oh yeah – I forgot to include DirectLife coach Erin in that invisible cheering section. I got an email from her today. We’ve been trying to work out the details of my daily Targets since coach Jen is on vacation. My activity really JUMPED around the time of the half marathon (like 300% of target) and DL asked me if I wanted to adjust it. Silly me, I said yes, but then returned to non-half-marathon life, and I’d been slacking on my percentages. So there has been some back and forth with the coaches about what my real target should be. Just these small communications also helped me feel like I am not alone, that someone out there Cares about my activity and health.

Accountability rocks.

December 22, 2010 3

Tunnel, Meet Light

That was a pretty bleak post I wrote this morning. But you know what is so very awesome about being part of a healthy living community? You put your ugly stuff out there, and people come through for you. This is so very true. So first I got a bunch of supportive tweets. Then I got a phone call from my WW BFF (who also happens to be an awesome WW leader). She said, “It sounds like maybe you need to go to a meeting.”

Light bulb! I have not attended a WW meeting as a member in so very long. And that is something that we are supposed to never forget, that we are all members first. As it happened, HER meeting happened to be starting in less than an hour. So it got me out of my sad woe-is-me pajamas and into some exercise clothes (yay) and over to the meeting.

I felt like such a sad sack in that meeting, but it moved me. Something clicked. The theme was “Learning from Experience.” The thing is, these weekly WW themes can be SO DEEP if we let them be. I sat there and muddled and pondered and thought about what I can learn from this experience. I realized a few things. One, that I was not particularly enjoying my food these past few days because I was eating out of resentment. I wasn’t really savoring or tasting or enjoying my food, which is one of my own cardinal rules. So I vowed that I would really try to go back to savoring as much as possible.

I also realized that I had just been waiting, all this time, almost two years, to see myself stumble and FAIL. Because that little Gollum inside me has been lurking in there, chewing on dead fish and muttering, “You’re not all that, missy.”

Last night I stayed up and caught up on the Makeover Week episode of Biggest Loser. I just cried all the way through it. For those of you who have not been watching Season 10, there are these two women, Elizabeth and Ada. Elizabeth started out the season keeling over during the first challenge and having to be taken away by ambulance. Ada is this fierce Asian-American woman whose parents have been punishing her her whole life for the deaths of her brothers. Anyway, Elizabeth is often physically overwhelmed by challenges; she gets asthma and just has to stop. Ada is a total WARRIOR and really an unstoppable force but she clearly has all this hurt stuff inside. Her family is clearly still punishing her and they suck.

Anyway, in this episode there was this mega-stair challenge. They had to run up like 100 flights of stairs which believe me, is no joke. OR they could take this trolley train thing, for less credit. After like 50 flights of steps, Elizabeth was really struggling (oh I could relate!) and decided to take the train. She felt way behind and when everyone else was done, she was only at 70 and she just could not see doing those last 30 flights alone. She threw in the towel and then was really really upset with herself.

I’ve been that Elizabeth so many times. I’ve had asthma. I have diabetes and high blood pressure. I had pre-eclampsia and gall stones and messed up ankles and allergies. I always had stomach aches when I was little and I just never saw myself as a very healthy person. I would give up so easily. Even when I was on my high school track team, I’d often keel over IN THE MIDDLE OF A RACE and start throwing up or throwing some joint out of whack or whatever; ie not finishing because I was so afraid of coming in last.

But as I was watching I realized that I’ve also been Ada. I’ve felt like I’m not good enough (to live). And I’ve also been a fierce unstoppable beast in the gym. I’ve been all those things. They all live inside me.

After I went to the WW meeting I felt a lot calmer. I felt like I had a lot of things to think about (I still do). Then I went to the gym. I got on the elliptical for half an hour. It felt good and sweaty and clean. Then I got on the treadmill. After 12 minutes my feet and ankles were SCREAMING IN PAIN. I got off. I swore a whole bunch. I got back on the elliptical and did another 20 minutes.

So I got a good workout. But the running part sucked big time. I’m not quite sure what to make of that. I do know that I am determined to FINISH that damn half-marathon no matter what. I might very well be crawling.

To finish up on the Elizabeth/Ada thing: at the gym the next day, the trainers gave Elizabeth the opportunity to complete her final 30 flights on the stairmaster. And she did it and felt really great about herself. I was so happy for her. She also had her inner fierceness inside. I think we all do.

So I’m feeling calmer, better, sweatier. I want to thank everyone for the support you sent my way earlier. Everyone who texted me, tweeted, emailed and commented – you boosted me up a lot. WHICH IS WHY I LOVE THIS COMMUNITY. Thank you.

November 27, 2010 15

foodfoodbodybody

eat, move, think, feel

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