Big box on the kitchen counter when I got home. My ten pound reward jeans!!! My fancy pants!
I ran upstairs and tried them on.
THEY ARE TOO LARGE.
Now, rolling on the floor laughing and screaming.
Along with a friend of mine, I decided to actually write out my specific reasons for wanting to lose weight. I’ve been mulling this in my head for the past month, and it occurs to me that it is very, very different from other times. In the past, I’ve wanted to… just because. But it was very mushy thinking. The only time I was ever really successful with a food plan was when I was pregnant with my daughter and had gestational diabetes. My food intake was impeccable during that period. There was NOTHING I was going to do to put that baby at risk.
So here I am again, only it’s me this time. I’m the one who is at risk. And I’m finding it an excellent, excellent motivator. And here are my Reasons. (not necessarily in order of importance, just as they come into my head)
- I don’t want to have diabetes. I don’t want to have to take medication or insulin to keep it under control.
- I want to be a healthy role model for my daughters. I feel like I have a lot of karma to work off for the years of being an unhealthy one.
- I don’t want my physician husband to have to feel “concerned” about me and my health because I am overweight.
- I’d love to be able to randomly order clothes from a catalog or at a store and feel pretty confident that they will fit and/or look good on me.
- I want physical activity to feel good, not to feel like torture.
- I want to have energy, not feel like a couch potato.
- I know I will die someday, but when I do, I want to feel that I did not contribute to my death by having unhealthy habits. I used to have a recurring dread nightmare that I would die of a stroke or heart attack, and when they did an autopsy they would find that my heart was encased in fat like a big butterball. And people would shake their heads and say, She brought this on herself. I want to feel that I truly did all I could do to keep myself healthy.
- I feel a lot bouncier overall when I weigh less – physically and emotionally.
- I want to find better ways of dealing with my emotions other than eating stuff.
- I want to not be disgusted with myself.
The Beck book recommends making multiple copies of your list and keeping it in one’s wallet, coat pocket, computer screen and whatnot.
Can I just say, I love my reasons. I think they are good reasons and I think they will help me get where I want to go. In the past, I had either very nonspecific reasons, or dumb, temporary reasons like “high school reunion.” (did that, 10 years ago, promptly put it all back on right after) I feel like these reasons are going to stay with me for a long time. Or at least that is my hope. They’re not reasons that can “wear off.”
What are your reasons?
So the walk that I pooh-poohed this afternoon (“better than nothing”) turned out to be quite the workout. I walked (quite briskly) for about 90 minutes through the nearby local gorgeous redwood forest. Toward the end, I was really warmed up, and a song came on my iPod that really is physically impossible to walk to. I mean, it’s run or nothing. So I broke into a run – not even a slow run, a pretty fast one – and it felt really, really good! I wasn’t out of breath, or sore, or feeling like “I can’t do this.” I totally COULD do it. This is the difference dropping a dozen pounds make (and more regular exercise). This would have felt SO BAD a couple months ago. I was actually shocked at how natural and good it felt. Of course, I only ran for three minutes (!!) because that’s how long the song lasted. But those few minutes gave me a huge burst of confidence and turned around my usual “dread” feeling about running. And when I came home, the total calories burned came to over 500. Whoo hee!!
Celebrated with a very delicious sashimi dinner. Yummmmm.
I guess I can safely say I’ve lost my first ten pounds. And my clothes are definitely fitting differently. A friend of mine, the friend of mine who has the most fashion sense (and I have absolutely none) took me on a forced clothes shopping spree the last time I lost (the same) ten pounds. I bought two pairs of pants that fit me in a shockingly nice way. Who knew!
I am also the kind of person who haaaaaaates to spend money on clothes. I will spend money on many many other things: travel, FOOD (of course!), presents for other people, books, music, entertainment, but clothes are not my Thing at all. I literally have about five pairs of shoes- one of everything: Dansko clogs (for every day), a pair of New Balance athletic shoes, one pair of sandals, one pair of dress shoes, a pair of Uggs boots and a pair of Tevas. That’s IT. Part of it is that I have super wide feet and I can never ever ever find comfortable shoes. If I find something that feels good, like Danskos or Uggs, that’s it, I’m done.
Anyway, now that I’m back to the weight of my two pairs of nice pants, I thought, I KNOW these fit. I know they work for me, and I know what size. So I did an online search and found that a fancy department store nearby sells them in JEANS form. Well, they’re not at the store so I can’t try them on. But I know these pants work for me.
It was a big leap. Let me see they cost… more than $100. This was painful for me. I can’t deal with the idea of spending that much on JEANS. But they are nice jeans, so I guess I can call them semi-nice pants. OK. I ordered them! They were my reward for the first ten pounds.
I can’t wait for them to come so I can try them on!
Tomorrow I am going to a very fancy hotel in a big city for a conference with a ton of stimulation and a lot of friends and Famous People I Admire, for four days. So, the challenge is I am not going to be cooking my own food, there will be Social Situations from morning until night, I will be highly stimulated and distracted.
The GOOD news is I have the positive touchpoint of just having lost 2 lbs while on vacation in Hawaii for a week. If I did THAT, I can manage THIS, right? Right. I hope so. I am also very excited that this fancy hotel has an INDOOR POOL and two indoor TRACKS (one for running, one for walking?) and a big, big Fitness Center. I know the conference is going to be very compelling but I am pledging to go to that Fitness Center for a minimum of one hour a day.
The other very good news is that I am spending the final 2 days of my trip with my beloved daughter who has been THE most inspiring and helpful partner on this weight loss journey. She has also been working on losing weight, for different reasons than me, but just as critical and important to her life and well being. So she has been texting me her weight every morning, and this morning she even sent me a photo of her scale because it showed an extra-wonderful number. She has been with me through every downfall and every victory, cheering me on, sending me “helpful thoughts” (a la Beck) when I turn to sabotage or despair. It really makes me want to cry when I think about it.
I know I have not been the best role model for her. In fact, I fear that I am the one who got her into her own struggles with food and weight. So I feel like my only redemption is really to be her companion on this path to a better, healthier way.
Each of us has lost ten pounds since we last saw each other. I really feel like she is my long distance Biggest Loser “other half.” In fact we kind of pledged each other to be each others’ team member and partner, when this season of BL started. We both have a LOT at stake. We both need to lose weight for reasons that are very, very important to us.
Anyway, I cannot wait to see this girl. I can’t wait to see her confidence and her beautiful little face. I can’t wait to thank her in person and to get a boost in person. I am going to take her out for a fabulous, delicious and healthy dinner. She’s my hero(ine) in this journey.
foodfoodbodybody 