emotions

Open Water

I was actually really excited about the open water swim yesterday. The drive out to Del Valle Lake in Livermore was incredibly beautiful and I wasn’t feeling too nervous. We had had a good pool swim on Tuesday where I’d done about 2000 yards and felt relaxed – slow, but relaxed.

First we had a little clinic about open water swimming- how to “sight” (ie see where you’re going) without the comfort of lane lines in a pool. Then they passed out our wetsuits – very exciting! Wooo!

We got a demonstration on how to put on BodyGlide and how to turn it inside out and put it on “like pantyhose.” Then we were shown how to do the “wetsuit wedgie” – when someone else picks you up to jam the wetsuit completely into your crotch. Pretty funny.

Then it was our turn! Here’s Matt giving me my wedgie. Wheeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

We felt pretty stoked with our new wetsuits.

Finally, we went down to the lake. The mud at the edge was SUPER DISGUSTING feeling but soon we waded in up to our waists and dived in and opened up our neck holes to get water into the suits (this is to form an insulating layer to keep us warm). I didn’t think that the water was too cold, actually.

Here they are instructing us to pee in our wetsuits to warm up. Nice!

Our first drill was to swim out about 25 yards (a pool length) to coach Stephanie in her kayak, then swim back to shore. I took off and the first several strokes felt just fine. I noticed right away that there was NOTHING TO SEE underwater – ie, it was just a bunch of murk. Just bubbles from exhaling. Okay. I think maybe I was about halfway to the kayak when I realized I was panting. Oh man, I have to rest already? I rolled onto my back and tried to breathe some. I made it around the kayak and got back, but I was SUPER out of breath and it didn’t feel good. I thought, “Man, what was that? Am I getting asthma or something?” The feeling in my chest was just tight.

Second trip around the kayak went much better. I felt relaxed, but the memory of the first trip had kind of spooked me. They had asked us at first, “Who wants a buddy swimmer” and silly me didn’t raise my hand. But when we got set to do our first long swim (1/4 mile back and forth to a buoy) I was like… um, yes please! So my mentor Annika said she’d swim with me.

Things were going pretty well for about the first half. Then I heard Annika say, “Susan, turn to your left a little.” I popped my head up and saw that I was bearing really hard to the right, and I had drifted way away from everyone else (who was also way ahead of me, not to mention way to the left). I think that was it. My chest just seized up instantly. I couldn’t breathe. I turned on my back and tried to breathe but I was hyperventilating. Coach Haakon came over and he and Annika literally held me up, horizontally, like a little baby, while I struggled to regain my composure. It felt like forever. Finally they asked if I could manage to do sidestroke. I tried. I did sidestroke for a little while and then I felt like my lungs attacked me again. I sort of flipped out. “I…. can’t…. BREATHE!” I flailed around for a bit and then coach Stephanie showed up with the kayak and I pretty much lunged for it. I held on for dear life and panted and panted. I felt like there was a giant steel vice around my chest and it wasn’t letting me breathe. Stephanie asked if I wanted her to pull me in. I felt very, very defeated but I said, “Yes please.” I felt like there wasn’t any choice. I think we were very near the buoy at that point, but I’m not sure.

We got about halfway back and all of a sudden I realized I was breathing normally. I wanted to swim again. I said, “I think I can try again.” I got back to doing freestyle and it felt pretty good. I thought, at least I can redeem myself by swimming back half the way. It felt decent. Then I was almost, almost, almost there – I mean SO CLOSE and Bam! it hit me again. I was so close. I think what happened is I thought I could touch bottom and then when I tried and couldn’t, the Thing happened again. Shit! Another coach AJ asked, “Are you okay?” and I said, “No! NO!” and he grabbed my arm and dragged me like five feet to where I could stand. Annika asked if I needed to sit down but really I just needed to stand there and breathe. I was devastated. My breath sounded like a death rattle. My lungs were, I don’t know how to describe it. They felt like they were made of wood. It felt like an asthma attack. Was I having an asthma attack? I just couldn’t breathe. The coaches asked if I had an inhaler or I’d taken my medication. I haven’t actually HAD asthma in probably ten years so I don’t have an inhaler, no.

We got out of the water and out of our wetsuits and changed into running gear. That’s when I heard we were running 4-6 miles. I was like, oh BOY. Most of our post-bike or post-swim runs have been really short, like 20 minutes or 2 miles. This was a definite change.

We headed up to the trail for the run. Coach Joan told us it “wasn’t flat.” Um, true story. I decided I would do a 5/1 run/walk ratio. It was going okay at first. My feet were pretty achey but I know from experience that that goes away after the first mile or so; I was just going to have to run through it. I knew that I had about 3-4 people behind me and something about that made me feel like I had some company at my pace. The deal was we were supposed to run to the 2 mile marker, run back, then run to the 1 mile marker and back for a total of 6.

There was a killer hill in there right before the 2 mile mark that I just had to trudge up. Again I was feeling that panting feeling, like I couldn’t catch my breath. I didn’t like that very much. But I got to the 2 mile turnaround and realized the people behind me weren’t there anymore. They must have turned around earlier so that meant I was truly the last one out there. Coach Mark showed up to see if I was still alive (ha!) and jogged around with me a little bit. He nudged me up a couple of hills. Then my breathing started acting up again. I wanted to cry. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get my lungs to fully open up. I kept wanting him to go ahead of me and leave me in my misery so I could walk and cry.

Finally at the one mile marker he seemed satisfied I could make my way back so he took off. That’s when I pretty much hit my psychological wall. I was walking. I was walking really slow and the most incredible onslaught of thoughts just ran through my head. I knew there was no way I was going to go back out for the 6 miles. Four was going to have to be it. I thought about the swim and how terrifying and upsetting it had been. I thought about the really sucky bike ride I’d had on Friday and how I still couldn’t manage to deal with this little bridge on the trail near my house, and how I almost fell down twice. Almost.

By the time I made it back to the rest of the group, I was emotionally wrung out. It was HOT and I went over to sit under a tree a little ways away. I sat on a curb and cried for about twenty minutes. I knew that if anybody came and talked to me I was going to get truly hysterical so I kept my distance. Then I went and got my car. I have never felt so discouraged. I really felt like it was over.

Lily was a total rockstar yesterday. She did two entire loops around the buoy (1/2 mile!) and the whole 6 miles. I am so proud of her. We talked on the way home and she was her wonderful supportive self.

Look who got the Golden Hat of glory this week!

I’m not ready to give up. I’m going to give it another go, hopefully soon. But man, that was scary. I have to have some success and soon or else this little dream of mine is going to deflate fast. My friend Mary challenged me to a pretty daunting bike ride this afternoon but I know that’s not in the cards. I need to feel some success, some ease, some sense of possibility.

September 18, 2011 15

Decision

Today, I was running, I was listening to this. It brought a lump to my throat it was so true. I’m not going to let the fear steer me.

“Drive” (by Incubus)

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can’t help but ask myself how much I let the fear
Take the wheel and steer
It’s driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I’m beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there
I’ll be there

And so I came home and:

September 12, 2011 7

In Which I Biked On Hills, In Traffic, Without a Bike Lane, With Huge Wind and Hairpin Turns!

Yesterday was really special. I got to get together with my beloved workout buddy from my 2000 TNT marathon training. Back in the day, she and I were stuck together like peanut butter and jelly. Treeeeeeeee! I just love her. I hadn’t seen her in like seven years but something about being back in the TNT mode just made me miss her so much. So yesterday we got together and tried to smush 7 years of conversation into about 90 minutes. It made me realize that even though I like being on the team, I need my One Person. Y’all know who that is for this time, because I don’t go anywhere without her!

Here’s me and Lily working out on our weekend vacation last week. (“triathlon means bike, run, and… hot tub, right?”) ANyway, it was awesome to have this little mini reunion from my BFF from TNT ’00.

I wasn't ACTUally drinking wine while training. I swear!

Today, many of our mentors headed down to participate in the Pacific Grove Triathlon (where they rocked it! Go team!!!!!!!!!!!!) so we had a smaller group do a “captains’ workout” of a bike and run.

Yesterday I prevailed upon my every kind and generous friend Mary to help me fix my flat tire. She was working at Weight Watchers all afternoon so I hauled the whole shebang over to the center and we got down and greasy in between people walking in to get weighed. I have to admit, after doing this process now for the 2nd time I’m probably more intimidated than ever. It involves so many intricate moves and decisions. Right away I jammed my finger in between the frame and the tire and I don’t know what I did but it is all bruised and swollen. (note: if you’re doing bike sports, don’t EVER EVER get a manicure because it is so not worth it. It will go to hell in about an hour) Even after the tire clinic, and watching the Youtube video half a dozen times, I still feel like if this ever happened to me, like in the middle of an event, (please NO) I would just sit on the curb and cry and wait for the SAG vehicle to come pick me up. (SAG = Support and… Grapefruit? Gummy bears? Giggles?)

Anyway, I got the new tube in my tire and got pumped up and I was all ready for this ride today. Again, I was sort of dreading it. OK, not sort of. I was really dreading it. I feel like every bike ride has had some new unknown bad thing I hadn’t even dreamed of before. So what was in store today? I had no idea what the course was like or how long or if there were hills or anything.

We met up at Blackie’s Pasture in Tiburon. From the chatter in the parking lot, I just picked up on random words like, “narrow, treacherous, rollers (rolling hills).” Uh HUH. Okay. I just love that word “treacherous.” NOT.

But what choice did I have? I clipped into my pedals (go me!) and we took off. At first we were on this bike trail (sort of nice, but also sort of an obstacle course around little kids with training wheels, strollers, runners and dogs) but pretty soon we were on a Real Road (stomach churning) with some semblance of an actual bike trail (OK nice!). That was good for a while. It was flat but there were also more cars than I really like to be around. Then we headed into some other area where there was: 1) no more bike trail; 2)fewer cars; 3) MORE HILLS, 4) hairpin turns, and 5) Wind! So windy! Like a few people almost got blown over it was so crazy windy. What was THAT.

The first big hill damn near killed me. I actually had to stop about 3/4 way to the top because I was panting and hyperventilating so hard and getting That Pukey Feeling. It was kind of ridiculous how short of breath I was. The sweep person stopped and hung out with me and said that maybe I was on too much of an easy gear and spinning my wheels (hahah) too much. So I took off again.

I swear, this road is exactly the kind of road that would turn Mr. McBody’s hair white if it wasn’t already. It is the kind of road we drove on to go out to the beach last weekend (ie DEATH TRAP) where we were cursing the cyclists at every blind turn. But it was different, and I mean way different doing it on a bicycle. For one thing, there’s not much I can do. I can stay as close to the edge of the road as I humanly can. Other than that, I’m just focusing on getting up the damn hill or getting around the hairpin turn or not flying out of control on the downhill. I am focused on the BIKE.

It is much, much harder and more annoying to be a car driver on a road than it is to be a cyclist. I pretty much seethe at all the bicycles who have the potential to ruin my life forever when I end up KILLING someone. But when you’re the one on the bicycle, there’s really no energy for being afraid. It’s the car’s job to stay away from you. They had these huge banners on the street poles that said, “Spandex is not armor.” Tell me about it.

That said, there are certain manners that I think most cyclists do not adhere to. Like there’s this thing on narrow, twisty, hilly windy roads called PULLOUTS. They are designed for slow vehicles (slow cars as well as two wheeled vehicles) to PULL OUT INTO when there is someone on your tail who would like to go ahead. We never, ever EVER witnessed a bicycle using a pullout on Highway 1. They just act like they own the place.

But I pulled out. I pulled out plenty today and I felt like in doing so I was being polite to cars, AND I was potentially saving my life. And I noticed that the faces of the drivers passing me looked infinitely more upset/distraught/annoyed than I felt.

I couldn’t believe that I was actually riding a bicycle with my shoes clipped to the pedals, and I was going up and down hills and around crazy sharp turns on a narrow road with no bike lane and cars going past about six inches away. I managed to do the whole 90 minute ride and was feeling very “OMG I did that!” when I rode into the parking lot, all proud of myself and then promptly fell over. Right in front of my car. Niiiiiiiice!

After I got semi cleaned up I put on running shoes for our little (20 minute) run. Again, my feet and calves felt like absolute concrete. It was torture. I felt like I was about 90 years old and just shuffling, one foot in front of the other. And a few times I had to actually slow even more to a hobble (ie walk), it was so ridiculous. Only when I was close to being finished (about a mile plus) did my feet and legs start feeling like I might be able to run anywhere. So. Note to self: don’t freak if you can’t run. Hopefully this will come at around mile 2 or so.

So in spite of the embarrassing owie at the end, I feel insanely proud (and kind of shocked) at the ride I did today. It’s not something I could have even imagined a week ago. Or yesterday.

Next week: Wetsuit distribution! OPEN WATER SWIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

September 11, 2011 1

Resistance

Resist, a photo by Stefano Pizzetti on Flickr.

This triathlon training is teaching me so much about myself. Recently I’ve been learning about resistance. Yesterday was supposed to be a swim day. I was sort of planning to sandwich the swim in between work and this dinner party I really wanted to go to. But I got out of work late. I was tired (what else is new?). It was Juniorette’s first day back at crew practice and I knew she would really appreciate a good hearty dinner when she came home. So after work I went grocery shopping, went home and made chili and cornbread (one of her favorites). By that time it was after 7pm. Lily had just texted me saying she was sick and couldn’t make the workout.

Part of me was so, so, so tempted to just say “Oh, nevermind!” and just skip the workout and go straight to the party. Wouldn’t that have been nice? No. I would have felt maybe like I’d gotten away with something. But I would have also felt bad about myself.

I decided to go to the pool and do my workout. Again, I thought that 1) since Lily wasn’t there to push me, and 2) nobody was looking and 3) I wanted to get that party, I would do the shorter Sprint/Developing workout instead of the longer more challenging Fitness level workout. I studied them both pretty hard. The S/D was 1200 yards total, and the Fitness was 2300.

I was in a cranky mood already because I’d of the aforementioned long day, the lack of swim partner, missing the party and LOSING the 4th set of goggles I’ve had since the season began. Jeebus. What is wrong with me? I lose goggles like I lose hairs out of my head. I went to the gym’s front desk and bought the best pair of goggles they have, which are sufficient for keeping out water but also keep me blind as a bat. I need the goggles with the lens correction in them, or I’m hopeless.

I did find a pair of silicon earplugs in my purse, and decided to try them for the first time. This turned out to be a good thing. I liked that kind of insulated feeling, AND of course they did the trick of keeping water out of my ears. Recently I’ve been getting a lot of water in my ears and it HURTS. And is irritating.

Anyway, I got going and after the 12 lengths of warmup I pretty much decided I was going to go for the Fitness workout. I talked to myself underwater. I mean, who was I cheating if I skipped a workout or did the easy short one? ME. And what is my goal here exactly? My goal is to enjoy this triathlon if possible (of whatever length), to not drown or suffer too much during the swim portion of it. (or any portion) So in order to meet that goal it behooves me to do the best I can. As I say to my PT clients every day, “Give it your Safe Maximal Effort.” (ie do the best you possibly can without hurting yourself)

I did the Fitness workout. It took a little over an hour. I took the 10 second rests where dictated. But toward the end there was a 500 yard set, ie 20 lengths without stopping. I didn’t churn it out, but I kept it steady. I wasn’t going at a snail pace. I remember doing a 400 a few weeks ago that almost made me pass out. I do think I am getting stronger. Later I discovered that a mile is 1750 yards. So I did MORE than a mile, albeit with some rests. It felt just fine.

I went home, made some nice Pillsbury chocolate chip cookies (throw in pan, dry hair while they bake, then GO) and went to the party. It was more of a meeting than a party, of very fine Solo Performance minds, and people were taking notes and talking a mile a minute about the recent NY Fringe Festival. It was very stimulating and I was glad I’d gone.

Fast forward to today. Another long day at work. Went out to do hill repeats after 8:45. I was in a terrible, horrible mood! Feeling resistant again! Realizing how very hard it is to do these workouts when I already feel spent from working all day. Especially the days that end at 8:00pm. But I went out there, and I pushed myself up the hill 7x (Developing level tonight!) and done.

All I can say is, if I did not have this training to be accountable to, there is NO WAY IN THE UNIVERSE I would be doing these workouts. No way. So I am so thankful to this training for getting me out there, even when I realllllllllllllly don’t feel like it.

September 8, 2011 3

On My Own

I’m up at the beach for a little holiday this weekend, so I have to miss out on the team workouts. I had two good swims with Lily this week – one at the fancy shmancy Claremont Resort & Spa (thanks to my buddy Mel who is a personal trainer there- we had a very luxurious swim and Jacuzzi afterward!) and one at Mills College pool. These were both new venues for us and it was good to get out and experience other pools.

Today was bike/run day. I felt myself putting it off all day. I even managed to take a crazy two-hour nap this afternoon that I could NOT pull myself out of. I kept dreaming that I was getting up, walking around the house, but in reality I was sleeping hard the whole time. I guess I really needed it.

Late this afternoon I took myself over to a big parking lot for Stinson Beach Park. There were a bunch of teenaged guys hanging around their car and I was all embarrassed that they would laugh at me for doing loops around on my bike. But finally I just decided to get over it. I went to a little corner of the parking lot. I clipped my shoe onto the pedal. I did this many dozens of times and it was interesting – sometimes it just went “click” right away and sometimes it took up to a minute to get it in there right.

I just wanted to feel like I could stop, start, clip and unclip without having a heart attack or standing there like a deer in the headlights for half an hour while the rest of the team pedals off into the distance. So I practiced. And practiced and practiced.

It was really, really good to do this by myself. I think I have worked myself into a froth of self-consciousness doing this while other people were watching and waiting. So it was good to just do this with no eyes on me, just me and the bike. I needed it. And after a good period of this practicing I think I can safely say I feel a lot more comfortable, especially with the stop and start. I’ve been watching YouTube videos about bicycling this week and one of them really impacted me – this guy said, “Put down your favorite foot.” Now that made sense to me. I DO have a favorite foot (my right!). And I realized that I’d been attempting to stop on my Unfavorite Foot last weekend, and that may have been a factor in my extreme discomfort and discombobulation. At any rate, I think I have a few more of the basics down.

Since we were supposed to go for a longish ride and a shortish run today, I switched it up. After my remedial parking lot self-taught bike class, I went for a run. At first it just sucked. I had to go to the bathroom after about 50 yards. I stopped at the house and took care of that. Then my feet and calves felt like they were made of concrete. THAT wasn’t very good. My Runkeeper was telling me that my average pace was a 27 minute mile, which made me laugh it was so ridiculous (this is because of the bathroom break which I took AFTER I started the app). But finally, finally the achiness and stiffness went away, and I got into my stride, and it felt good good good and I ended up going a total of 3.6 miles in 55 minutes. When I checked my mile splits, I saw that I’d done mile 3 at a 12:15 pace. Not bad, little turtle!

So it turned out to be a very good, very productive and very tailored-to-me workout. I posted about it on our team Facebook page and our head coach commented: “This was the perfect workout for you. It’s not always about fitness, it’s also about confidence and skill. Well done.” YAY!

September 3, 2011 2

Breakthrough!!!!!!!

Yesterday was a huge day in tri-training land for me. It was a workout I’d been anticipating with a fair amount of fear, especially considering my meltdown last week. I was very low on the confidence scale and just not sure of my ability to do this.

Set the alarm for 5:30 because we were traveling way up to Napa wine country for our bike/run. Picked up Lily (who had just returned from Mexico hours before, yayyy!) and we headed up.

First we had a little talk from our coach. See how serious everyone is?

I was feeling kind of wimpy when I read this.

So our bike plan was to go about 15-30 miles depending on experience. I was feeling kind of anxious-but-determined about the shoe clip thing. We headed out the parking lot and we were maybe half a block away, at the first stop sign, when coach Mark called out my name and remarked on my less-than-graceful stopping and dismounting style. Uh-oh. Busted.

He then proceeded to give me a private tutorial on balance, stopping and starting right there in the road (actually, the bike line) while the rest of the group rode off into the horizon. Without us. 😦

I had somewhat mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I felt very grateful for the private attention and help. On the other hand, I was so aware of being left behind (and last) and also of being in bicycle remedial school. It was kind of embarrassing. And as we did these drills I felt like I was almost getting worse instead of better. It was the opposite of my session with Mary, when I was OK with the stops but awkward with the starts. Yesterday, I was starting out fine but then I was regressing back into my “slam on the brakes then leap off the bike like it’s on fire” method. No matter what Mark said, it was not sinking into my reptilian brain and I just kept reflexively doing the “jump off while bike is still rolling” thing. It wasn’t pretty.

Finally he realized I wasn’t going to improve all that much and we took off onto the Silverado Trail, which is this long mini-highway that goes through dozens of vineyards in the Napa valley. I kept praying I would not get hit by a giant limo filled with drunk people at 9 in the morning.

Once my feet were clipped in, it felt pretty good. There was a nice wide bike line, the road was pretty much flat, and it just went on in a straightforward way. But I was very aware of coach Mark behind me and even though I was pedaling as fast as my legs would rotate, I wasn’t sure if I was doing the bike equivalent of walking.

There are a few things I need to figure out still. No, a lot of things. But one of them is where to put my butt. If I just sit down “naturally” without thinking about it, I know I am way far forward and it’s all very painful and squishy. But if I really sit BACK on the cushy big part of the seat, it feels weird and strange for my back and arms. Actually, none of it feels super comfortable. So I played around with that for most of the ride.

I was starting to get kind of tired and I could feel my legs aching when YAY we got to the water and fuel stop. YAY!

This is when I made one of the best choices of my workout life. There was a fair spread of snack and beverage choices and I took a big cup of Gatorade (good choice #1 – yay electrolytes) AND a big handful of salty salty pretzels. (BRILLIANT CHOICE) I was in deadly fear of dehydration which has taken me down so many times in the past. I remembered something right then. I remembered that when I have suffered from dehydration (and Junior too) the BIG THING to bring us back from death’s door was — chicken soup. Salty salty chicken soup. And I remembered the cyclists at the Century ride snarfing down the boiled potatoes sprinkled with salt.

I think this made the hugest difference EVER.

Got off on the second half of the ride. Made it back to parking lot. Had to run into the giant food store to go to the bathroom and then changed my shoes.

We were to run a mile out and a mile back on this trail right off the parking lot. I had already psyched myself into accepting that I was going to do run-walk intervals. I was OK with it. I told myself there was no shame in walking, and I just needed to get through the two miles.

I started running. The trail was really beautiful, along a little creek (or was it a river?) and it was nice and woodsy and there were all kinds of people walking and running, including another TNT team who was doing SIX miles before their final tri next weekend. (gulp, one day that will be us!) The run went just fine. I noticed that I was not having any need to walk. I just kept going, and I was so happy to be passing (going the other way) other members of my team. We all slapped hands and gave each other encouragement. I felt so glad to be part of it.

Finally I realized I was only about 1/4 mile out. And I hadn’t walked yet. My Runkeeper told me that my average pace was a 11:40 mile. I was astounded because remember at our first mile, I pushed to a 11:33 mile and thought I was going to DIE? For this one I felt like I was just sort of ambling along at a pretty easy pace. When all of this came together in my head – the fact that I hadn’t walked, that I had done this AFTER a 15 mile ride, and that I had done it at this pace – I got totally overwhelmed. I hit the parking lot and just burst into sobs. I couldn’t stop crying for about five minutes. It was happy tears though.

After everyone got back, a bunch of us went out for breakfast. Normally at this point in a workout I’d be almost catatonic. I’d be shaky and woozy and ready to keel over. Not yesterday. I was soooooo full of energy and just feeling good.

For EVERY SINGLE team workout this season, I’ve had to come home and take a big nap – because of the early wakeup AND because the workouts just knocked me out. But yesterday I came home and did a little Rocky dance and then went out to take care of other stuff. NO NAP. No meltdown or wipeout.

It was the salty pretzels!!

I really feel like this was a HUGE breakthrough, physically and psychologically and even intellectually. I finally understood something about what my body needed. Electrolytes and salt! and it made such a difference in my workout (and POST workout) I can hardly believe it. Whew.

I still have a LOT of practicing to do on the bike with the clips and the on/off. But I feel so much more confident than I did just a week ago. It’s beginning to feel possible.

August 29, 2011 9

Back in the Saddle

Post-Industrial: Bike, Saddle, Life by Saad Kadhi

Post-Industrial: Bike, Saddle, Life, a photo by Saad Kadhi on Flickr.

So after my meltdown I’ve been slowly making my way back. I got advice that I shouldn’t attempt to “make up” any missed workout, but just to pick up the next workout. The next scheduled workout was a swim for Friday. It turned out to be an unexpectedly busy work day for me, so I didn’t actually get to the pool until 8:30PM. I’d never been there so late before. I was the only one in the whole pool. It was dark, but the pool was lit underneath the water and the whole thing was kind of surreal and beautiful.

I didn’t end up having time to do the entire “Fitness” level workout, but I did do the Developing workout and it felt just fine. I just felt relaxed and it was so peaceful. I could see the lit-up bubbles underwater with every stroke – something I can’t see in the daytime – and it was like this very artistic, pretty feedback on how hard I was pushing through the water. Pretty awesome!

So that was reviving. Then today I met up with our regional group for a “Captain’s Run” which happened to be taking place just a few blocks from my house. Yay! I got to walk there. It also started at 9am which I considered very civilized.

These runs are often just timed runs – no matter what pace, we go 30 minutes out and 30 back in, so everyone finishes at roughly the same time, even though some people go a lot farther.

It was interesting how the run went, and how I felt about it. I was absolutely the last one in the group. I did walk/run intervals. There were a lot of hills and some of them VERY steep, especially coming back. It just seemed to go up and up and up. But you know what? I felt okay. I ran when I could, and I walked when I couldn’t run. End of story. I didn’t worry about keeping up with other people. I was in my element, in my own neighborhood in a place I knew well. Sometimes it was so misty/foggy I couldn’t see feet ahead of me, and other times it was HOT and sunny. The fog just kept going in and out. Like the underwater swim on Friday, I found it kind of peaceful. I just wasn’t worried about it. In the end I did a 4.88 miles in 70 minutes, which was just fine.

In the afternoon I was going to meet up with my awesome buddy Mary V, who has coached those 500 mile AIDS rides. She had offered to help me get used to the new pedals on my bike. I felt like I really needed to figure them out before our long big ride in Napa tomorrow. She suggested that we just go practice at one of the BART station parking lots which is usually empty on weekends.

So I met her out there and tried to clip on my shoe to the pedal. It wouldn’t go and at first I just thought I was being super uncoordinated. But then I tried to sit on the ground and just clip my SHOE (without foot in it!) to the pedal, and it still didn’t work. Then Mary tried to clip her own shoe in and no go.

Back to the bike store! Third time in three days! They’re going to have to paint my name on the floor in the spot where I stand and wait. Mary was nice enough to help me and help them and explain the issue. They loosened up the clip then let me get on their trainer (bike stand) to practice. Mary coached me in the in-and-out. I got my right foot pretty quickly but the left one was a lot more awkward. After about 15 minutes of this everyone seemed satisfied that it was working, I could get my foot in and out and I was deemed ready to go. The bike guys were like, “You want to go take it for a spin?” “NOW? HERE?” Um, no, thanks.

Mary took me up to the trail nearby where I’d practiced a bunch with Lily. She was so patient. (and believe me, standing in a parking lot and then in a bike store and then riding about 20 feet was NOT her idea of a fun bike ride!) She was so kind and yet firm. “OK, get on now.” She had me get on and off the bike and ride a bit (“Now stop!”) maybe about ten times.

And guess what? I RODE A BICYCLE with my FEET CLIPPED ONTO THE PEDALS!!!!!! CALL THE NEW YORK TIMES!

I only rode a little ways, and I’d say that I had two really awkward ugly starts, and two really nice graceful ones, and a whole bunch of them that were somewhere in between. But I DID NOT FALL DOWN once. And that was a huge victory. And even though I wasn’t what one would call “comfortable,” I DID It. and I hope this will translate into a not too humiliating or painful experience tomorrow.

Tomorrow we are riding up in Napa. Which is over an hour from here. And we meet at 7:45. IN NAPA. So I’ve got to get to bed now, y’all!

August 28, 2011 5

Meltdowwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnn

Melt, a photo by leeroy09481 on Flickr.

Today was one of those days that started out with such good intentions. And which just fell apart little by little.

First, I have brutal PMS which means I am just ready to cry buckets at the drop of a hat. Today was an OYO bike/run day. First I was going to go for a ride with my helpful friend Mary, but then it turned out she had tickets to a show and couldn’t go. Which was OK because I had another plan.

After last weekend I made the decision that I want to move from toe cages to shoe clips for the bike. But I knew it would be scary and freaky so I thought, I’d get a bike trainer to practice on! Last night I went to Lily’s house because she offered to loan me her trainer while she was away. But her housemates were not home. Wah. No problem. I would get one on my own! How resourceful am I! Because I am going to need one anyway. I went to Craiglist and got immediately confused and then I got a cheapness attack and went for this bike trainer that costs $35. I have no clue about these things. The ones at my local bike shop are like $300. What is the difference? I had no idea.

I had a rather stressful hard day at work. Thursdays are often like that. But I left a little early and went to buy this trainer. On the way I suddenly got all paranoid about people getting murdered or attacked when they go to meet a Craigslist contact, so I texted my husband the address and phone where I was going, and said if you don’t hear from me, go here. He was like, what? Why would I not hear from you? And then I transferred my paranoia to him.

I found the place and it was like this ginormous overstock warehouse place, with basically shelves of junk all over the place. They had a whole shelf of these cheapie trainers. I got one and put it in my trunk. I even got a receipt and a 7 day return slip! (smart) Then I went to the fancy bike store to get the clip pedals. But then they told me I’d have to bring in my stupid shoes to have them fitted to the clip things.

That’s when I started to melt down. And realize that I was very, very very tired and hungry and I still had like a 75 minute workout ahead of me. I think I actually started to cry a little bit. My husband was texting me about “what is the dinner plan” and my brain just melted out my ears and I couldn’t even THINK let alone form a coherent dinner plan so I said we could get takeout from this place but then I couldn’t locate our daughter to figure out what she wanted which led to me sitting in the takeout place texting everyone in my family for like half an hour. Meanwhile I was getting more exhausted and overwhelmed.

Finally I got home and we ate dinner and I thought, OK, even if I don’t go out for a ride I can setup my new TRAINER and I can practice various bike skills and get a workout while watching some mindless TV. And we took the thing out of the box and we sort of set it up but it kept not really working right because the pedal would hit the round thing and well…..

It was the wrong size. It was for a 24-28 inch bike and I have a 17 inch bike. So it wouldn’t work. So I had to put it back in the box and at that point it was dark and I couldn’t ride OR run and I just put on my pajamas and cried.

That was my day. Tomorrow is a new day. I hate hate hate hate HATE missing any workout because it makes me feel like I will just get even further behind until I am just left sitting, old and out of shape and the last one on a rock somewhere. Or an iceberg.

Pity party! OMG. But today is over. I am going to bed. And tomorrow I will get up and in spite of the fact that I have to go to work all day on a day that is normally my nice workout-work parttime and do errands day, I will get a full real workout done tomorrow. I’ll get back in the saddle or in the pool and just carry on.

So the question for any coaches or mentors out there – if I skip a workout because I had a total meltdown, is it best to just SKIP it, or do today’s intended workout tomorrow? Hmm?

August 25, 2011 6

It’s Better With A Buddy

My workout buddy Lily has been in Mexico visiting her abuela all week and I’ve been feeling kind of bereft without her. It just isn’t the same! Before she left, we got a mani-pedi and had our toenails painted Team in Training Purple. 🙂

On Sunday I did a run on my own, around my beloved Lake Merritt. This is where I did a lot of my training last year and I’d really missed it. I love seeing the people of Oakland all out, some walking, some jogging or wogging and others just all-out fast athletes. Everyone’s out there. It’s just so beautiful. As I was coming around about 2/3 the way around, I ran into my friend Mary who also works at WW and who has done many of those amazing 500-mile bike rides. (whoa.) She had told me she would help me with my riding and I would help her (hahahaha) with her running. We started running together and I told her all the woes of my Sunday right, the toe cages and the horrible hill and all that. We got so involved in our conversation that at one point she didn’t see a little blip in the pavement and BOOM. She fell. On her face, and her hand. Blood was everywhere! I felt so bad for her. We made it back to her car and she washed up but man she is going to have one big shiner. It was so reassuring to talk to her up til that point though -she has helped SO many beginner, nervous, neurotic bike riders and I can’t wait to practice with her.

Yesterday was one of the first really, really warm days here ALL SUMMER (it’s about time, right?) and when I got to our regular gym pool after work, there were probably 100 kids in there. NOT conducive to lap swimming. They do an adult swim for 10 minutes every hour but that is hardly adequate. I was already really tired from a hard and long day at work. Sigh. So I decided I’d go to my college, which has a super nice aquatic center, and give that a try. When I got there, I had to park in a lot that was a ways away. Like a ten minute walk. So I parked and went up to the pool. They said I had to have an ID, because that is what they keep for security while you’re swimming.

My ID was IN THE CAR. Frack. So there’s another twenty minutes trudging back to the parking lot and back again. By this time I was fairly exhausted and annoyed. I slapped the ID down and they reminded me, “Pool closes at 7:30pm.” It was just about 7:00pm on the nose. Not nearly enough time. I was about close to tears at that point, but I went and changed, got in the pool and had just under a half hour workout. Once again my time ran out before my energy did. I didn’t get to complete even half of the workout that had been assigned to us. Of course at that point I COULD have driven back to the other gym, because the kids would have been gone at that point, but I just could not bring myself to do so. So that was it for my swim yesterday.

Today was a run workout. Normally they have a “captain’s run” (regional runs led by mentor coaches) but it takes place at the same time as my WW meeting so I always have to do my run on my own. I figured I would do the same interval run as last week and hoped it would be good enough. I went up to the park near my house and set my Runkeeper app to those intervals. Which included four 2-minute level 9 intervals. Man those things are tough. For at least two of them I stopped (for a few seconds) before getting to the entire two minutes. I haven’t quite figured out the right pace that is “almost all out” without just killing myself. Which is still glacially slow for any of the 20 year olds on my team. Oh well.

I was so glad I’d gotten the run done in the morning though. It feels so much better. Trying to get motivated to work out after a full work day is TOUGH. Which is what I guess I’ll be doing tomorrow. Tomorrow is supposed to be a bike/run. Oh man.

Lily offered to loan me her bike trainer, which is a stand you put your bike on and can use to work out – like making your own bike a stationery bicycle. I went to her house but her house sitters weren’t there tonight (drat). I was hoping I could set it up tomorrow and really practice my stop/start, on/off and also maybe work on dealing with the toe cages. Mary said she thought the shoe clips were 100% better than the cages, for a variety of reasons. I think I might have to bite the bullet but I have to practice before I go do our big coached ride this weekend. (up in Napa! Wine country! I might have to down a bottle of wine after this one)

So I’m plugging along. Some days I feel like I just haven’t gotten any better at all in a month. Other days I feel more optimistic. Tonight I’m just… tired.

August 25, 2011 3

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