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(Undesperately) Seeking Balance

At one of my WW staff training sessions, the leader warned us all that it was going to be potentially tricky, to balance WW work with our own health and fitness. At the time I didn’t really get what she was talking about. But it hit me last night.

After my traveling weekend, I had plans to go to an exercise class last night. I was realllly looking forward to it. But about an hour before, I got a call from a WW leader that a receptionist/weigh-in person was needed, like right away.

Of course, I could have said no. On the other hand, when one is in a new position it is a good thing to be seen as helpful and responsive. AND, I really feel that I could use as much mentoring/training as I can get. There are so many minute details involved in this job, and I think the more practice, the better. So I said sure.

This was my third training session and my second time doing weigh-ins. My mentor was great in helping me with doing a practice run-through before they opened the doors. I felt a lot more relaxed than I did the last time. I also felt very strongly how incredibly intimate this is, to see someone’s weight like that. It’s so personal. I had a bit of a flash that the little weigh-in booth is not unlike a confessional, but instead of prescribing ten Hail Marys or whatever, we hand them a fresh tracker and the chance to start a new week.

I was less nervous about the myriad little details this time, so I felt like I was able to really focus more on the people. I felt so much tenderness for these people as they performed the ritual removing of shoes, watches, belts, ANYthing before they stepped up. I think it is a really big deal, and important, that WW staff are also WW members. I SO know what they are going through. (in fact, I need to do my WI for this week, and have been procrastinating!) I kept thinking of the Buddhist loving-kindness (“metta”) prayer in my head: (may you be happy. may you be safe. may you be peaceful) But I expanded it a little bit, adding silently: may you be healthy. may you be free of shame.  I kept repeating this in my head in between members.

One woman achieved a big goal she had been striving toward for a long time. She was so happy, and I was so thrilled for her. High fives all around! It was like being a store owner whose customer wins the lottery. It was really exciting! I had four people up for various “recognitions” and I was really so glad for all of them. And for the people who gained, I tried to offer as much support and encouragement as I could. I think I did a good job, and my mentor had some really kind and complimentary words for me afterward.

When I got home, it was pretty late and I had not yet had dinner. I ate and then did not feel like exercising. It was already dark.

AH, I thought. So THIS is the balance thing they were talking about.

I watched the new show, Dance Your Ass Off, which is sort of a combination of Biggest Loser and Dance With the Stars. I am already a sucker for such shows, and this one really really impressed me. It involves a number of very overweight people who are trying to shed pounds AND compete in dance competitions.  For one, these people all had great personalities and were great dancers. Their confidence was so out there, and that put them miles ahead of the general population, as far as I’m concerned.

It’s hard to dance and show your body when you’re not feeling it’s in its optimal shape. But they were all out there – jumping and strutting and shimmying and just going wild with beautiful exuberance. I felt quite emotional while watching them. I am a terrible, self-conscious dancer who has never felt good about how I might look. I feel like I have no coordination and that I just look foolish. Recently a friend of mine had a dance party for her birthday and while I had fun, I also felt like I was the biggest klutz out there.  I only really felt comfortable dancing with my husband. At one point we had to switch partners and I think one of my partners was absolutely incredulous at how bad I was. SO… I am completely awed by the folks on this show who are so good, and they’re definitely choosing a super fun way to get into better shape. My hat is so off to them!!

Today, I am going to exercise no. matter. what.

3

The Interview and Biggest Loser

Yesterday was my interview with the WW regional manager. It was actually a group interview, me plus another prospective leader, and also a prospective receptionist.  The interviewer kept apologizing for asking us “dumb and boring questions” which seemed like not a very helpful or professional thing to say, but whatever. I thought it was actually kind of interesting. She’d ask a question and then I’d answer, then person B, then person C. She kept looking at the clock and towards the end started saying, “OK, answer in ONE WORD.” I was like… okay. I think she just wanted to make sure we were not total psychopaths or idiots. Then she had me and the other wannabe leader get up and use the flip chart to talk about the 4 points of the Momentum program. Then we had to pick our favorite WW product and try to sell it to them.

I picked the magazine. Partly because I am a magazine junkie, and partly because I am not familiar with or a huge fan of many of the other products. I think I did OK. She kept saying, “Perfect! Perfect!”

The receptionist person seemed very unhappy. When the interviewer asked us to “What one word would your co-workers use to describe you?” I said, “Enthusiastic.” The other woman said, “Serious.” You’re not kidding, lady. She looked like she was about to get up and throttle someone. The other woman was extremely calm, professional, responsible seeming. She reminded me of Michelle Obama, very cool and unflappable, yet friendly. I felt a little scattered in comparison, but I did have the Enthusiasm thing going for me.

They said they’d get back to me in a week.

I’m finding it all interesting and somewhat amusing. I recently found a blog that detailed the horrible compensation/pay/conditions that WW employees have to endure. That’s no surprise. It’s basically a few millimeters up from a volunteer job. I’m just… curious. I will wait and see how it all pans out. Meanwhile, I think I am going to not tag or categorize these posts regarding this topic. I have the feeling that the Powers That Be over there would not be totally jazzed about me blogging my experiences.

I wore one of my new dresses from The Shopping Spree on the interview. (btw, some of the things I bought on that shopping trip are now too big!) I was feeling all trim and pretty. When I got home, I asked my daughter to take some pics of me. I was stunned that the photos looked NOTHING like what I thought I looked like in the mirror. Not particularly trim and maybe only marginally pretty. Hmph. This whole camera/mirror/real life thing is confusing. What DO I look like? I have no idea.

On to Biggest Loser. I started blogging when the (3 hour!) show came on. I was going to go on and on about how this season of the Biggest Loser has felt so personal to me, because they started when I did, and here we all are, blah blah blah. Of course they all began much heavier than me, and many of them are wayyyyy fitter than me. I have generally cried during each episode of this season.

But as the episode wore on (yawwwwwwwn) I realized that it was boring the poo out of me. It was really nothing more than a 3 hour weigh-in. Blech. I realized that one of the things I love most about BL is watching them do their workouts and challenges. Those things inspire me so much. The weigh-ins and dramatic game stuff, not so much. Ugh.

I was appalled when I saw Helen. She looked so good when they last were on the ranch, wearing this skinny little black outfit. Now she looks emaciated. I was horrified. I read somewhere that she is only one pound over being in the BMI “underweight” category. That seems so wrong. I also read that earlier seasons of the BL calculated winners based on a combo formula of pounds lost/fat percentage lost, but they are now doing strictly pounds. WRONG.

I was so disappointed. I have been such a loyal fan of this show, in spite of its many flaws and mistakes and stupid ideas, but I felt really let down last night. The healthiest, fittest people were not rewarded.  And that seems wrong. Ugh.

6

Hooray for Non-Scale Victories!

For anybody who was wondering, it took me exactly 9 days to get back to the weight I was before that weekend trip with the wine, the dessert and the fried calamari. Which I think is actually not so bad. At any rate, I’m fine with it.

Many of my Twitter fitness and weight loss friends like to talk about NSV, or “non-scale victories.” In other words, how do you measure success other than the numbers on the scale?

I really really hate body measurements so I have avoided those like the plague. Now of course I wish I HAD measured myself in January because I’d certainly have some nice inches lost there, but I didn’t. Even now – I just measured my waist just for the fun of it, and it puts me at a SIZE 16 in ALL of the clothing catalogs I love – Athleta, J. Crew, J. Jill, Garnet Hill… bleah. Now I know there is no way I wear a size 16. Yet my measurement says that is what I should order. Which is why I am so loathe to buy clothes via catalog!!

But I had a great non-scale victory this week.

I have been going to the same trainer for about four years. He has mixed up my workouts for all this time, so my body (and mind) never know what to expect. But I have certain things I love to do and others that I dread and hate. One of my most dreaded exercise EVER has been the crab walk. We used to have to do these back and forth across the large gym floor. They made me cry. I could really not go more than 3 “steps” and my butt would collapse on the floor.  It was freaking imPOSSIBLE for me to do and they made me feel hopeless. For YEARS.

So this week I was merrily feeling quite confident and fit and everything I did, he’d say, “Piece of cake?” and I’d go, “Yeah!!” Then he said “Sit down.” I got a sick feeling in my stomach. “Give me a crab walk across the floor.” I really felt like I was going to cry. “DO IT!” So I set off. And… holy guacamole. I could do it! I wasn’t dragging my butt! I wasn’t collapsing!! I was doing it, almost like this guy!! And I realized – before, I was trying to crab walk with an extra 23 pounds on my body. If you stuck a 25 lb sandbag on top of my stomach, I can tell you I would collapse. So it’s a combination of getting stronger and having 23 lbs less to haul around!

In other NSV news, I have been working diligently on the Couch-to-5k program and I am amazed and thrilled to report that last night I completed week 5. Week five is crazier than any week so far – it took me from running 8 minutes nonstop to running 20 minutes nonstop! (um, what happened to 10, 12 or 15 minutes? Huh?) I’m basically skipping weeks 6-9 and going straight to my 5k run this Sunday. I wish I had those 3 extra weeks to train, but I think I can do it anyway. (cue Rocky music!)

And those are my non-scale victories for this week. What are yours?

14

Upcoming Blog Topics

Ooh, there is too much I want to blog about, a LOT on my mind lately, and not enough time. But I want to write about the following in the next few days:

  • people who have successfully lost weight/kept it off without counting calories or points
  • blaming one’s weight gain on others (entities, people, situations, etc)
  • my first run/walk around the local lake AND my first Couch-to-5k session (done!)
  • what people are talking about when they say “dealing with your issues” re food/emotions and why this year might be the first year in my life it might actually happen
  • this week’s episode of the Biggest Loser
  • changing up trainers/exercises/workouts

SO — that’s what’s been on my mind this week! I want to write about it all eventually. What would YOU vote for, for me to write about first?

4

Biggest Loser Top Chef: YAY

Y’all know that The Biggest Loser and Top Chef are two of my favorite reality shows EVER. So last night I was just squeeing with glee to see Rocco Dispirito, frequent Top Chef guest judge, on the Biggest Loser! It was set up totally Top-Chef style. It was like the merging of two perfect elements, except a lot funnier. I LOVED it. First, Rocco laid out the nutritional reality of many fast foods: pizza, burgers and burritos. It was super gross and mind-boggling to see him scoop up the amount of fat in a burger and fries meal. Shudder. Great visual.

Anyway, the challenge was for the BL contestants to make healthy and tasty versions of those three items.  I was enamored of the bison burger with feta cheese and portabello mushrooms. (and yay, it won) I just happened to read an article about bison in Eating Well magazine, which I just discovered yesterday. I am kind of intrigued and might go see if they have bison at our local Whole Foods.

Another part of the show featured one team going to do a shadowboxing class with Sugar Ray Leonard. Man, that guy was awesome. He talked about the mental and spiritual challenges being just as if not more important than the physical part. He reminded them to remember their POWER:

Persevere
Overcome
Win
Every
Round

and also talked about having “tunnel vision” – just focusing on one’s goal and not getting distracted by outside things. Everyone was very emotional and teary watching him and so was I.

There’s been a fair amount of controversy about coach Jillian yelling at Laura, who has been a bit of a slacker and whiner. I have mixed feelings about this. She HAS been a slacker and whiner. My own trainer has never yelled at me and I am not sure I would be appreciative if he did. But I’m much more of a Kristin than a Laura – if he tells me to do something, I do it. Today I even asked for MORE because I was feeling so pumped up.  I’m not sure if it was the rest day yesterday, or watching BL last night. I always seem to have good workouts on Wednesdays.

In not-so-good news, the scale gave me 2 extra lbs this morning. Does that mean I have to change my weight-loss graphic thingie back to 13? I think not. It will just have to wait for me until it catches back up to 15. I’m not totally surprised or freaked out because there are some hormonal things going on but still, one hates to see that number go UP.

In other news: I now officially weigh a decent amount less than my husband. At one point I actually weighed more than him, and I cannot even express how NOT OKAY this was. He is six or seven inches TALLER than me. And he’s a guy. So for me to weigh more than he does, was just soooooooooo unacceptable. I want to weigh a LOT less than he does, but for now, the little distance is a big improvement.

3

Bad Day/Good Day

Yesterday was just one of those super funky days.  Today has been a very good day. The difference? E-X-E-R-C-I-S-E.

So yesterday I got up with good intentions. I put on my workout clothes.  Drove my daughter to school.  My plan was to come back, eat breakfast, charge up my iPod, work out on the erg machine, then shower and go to work. (luckily, or unluckily, I have a VERY flexible schedule and boss)

I had been thinking that maybe I ought to add back some “good carbs” into my eating. I’ve been eating more eggs than I can count, mostly egg whites.  So I thought to change things up I’d have a little oatmeal. Now, I am not a huge fan of oatmeal. I loooove “smooth” hot cereals like Malt O Meal but not sure how it compares health wise. I remembered seeing an ad for Starbucks “Perfect Oatmeal.” I got the oatmeal and was quite charmed by the tiny little packets of brown sugar, chopped nuts and dried fruit. I passed on the sugar, and added about 1/2 packet each of the nuts and fruit. Then I ran into someone I knew and chatted for a while. MISTAKE. When I got to my car, there was a bright green $45 parking ticket. BOOOOOO.

I came home. I was upset. I added up my points for the oatmeal etc and was mad when I realized it was more than I’d anticipated/wanted. I went into a funk. I started fooling around on Twitter/Facebook and before I knew it, hours had passed. I kept saying, “I ought to go exercise” but I didn’t. Then I started feeling HUNGRY and that made me even madder. Damn that oatmeal!!

I ended up not exercising at all. I had to go somewhere and didn’t have time to exercise AND shower, and I really needed to shower. I was in a funk. For some bizarro reason I had the weirdest, strongest craving for HOT DOGS all day. Really? Hot dogs? Why crave what is basically a NON food but really a piece of garbage? I don’t know. But I could not get hot dogs out of my mind.  My brain was crawling with hot dogs.

Fortunately, I practiced some deep breathing and managed to get through the day without eating any hot dogs. I was in a big rush. I ordered Indian food takeout. I ate much much much too quickly although did not eat any naan or rice. It was good but I probably ate too much. (note to self: buy food scale next time at WW) Went out to see a friend’s performance. Bought a bottle of water at intermission. Went to bed vowing to have a better day today.

TODAY, I woke up and after driving girl to school, went straight to my trainer. He was fa-bu-lo-so. He gave me a great Biggest Loser type workout. I felt like Sione. He kept hooting and yelling, GIRL, you are really BRINGING IT! I was happy and sweaty.

I have been having some hip muscle pain for the past couple months -first the inside of my hip (groin) and then it migrated to the outside. My trainer’s bodyworker came in and he so very generously GAVE ME half of his time with her. She had just done this workshop on hips and she was eager to try out all her new tricks. I was so excited!! She worked on me for 30 mins and when I hopped off the table I felt like a million bucks. Seriously. It was sooooooooo good. (note to self: schedule more bodywork)

Then I had a pre-existing appointment to go to this chair massage place (yeah! another bodywork) with a friend. We each got mini 15-minute chair massages which was great since this one focused mostly on my neck and shoulders. YAY. Then we had lunch and I had a very satisfying/modest bean soup, Mediterranean salad and a few steamed clams. All good.

I feel sooooooooooooo much better today.  It’s like a different universe.  I have to remember this every single day. If I don’t get my dose of endorphins, I feel awful. If I do, everything is easier.

4

Good Doctor

I had my first visit with my endocrinologist this morning. It was good!! I really like her. She’s very young but super friendly and seems to really know her stuff. She was easy to talk to. She took her time, didn’t seem rushed, let me ask all my questions and was overall just great. YAY!

So, my big question #1: do I have diabetes? The answer was, no, not YET but I am certainly at very high risk. The lab slip shows that I am no in the “diabetic” range but am in the “impaired” range. She gave me big credit for losing 12 lbs (yes! finally cracked that wall!) in the past month, and said that obviously made a big difference. I still have about 16 to go. (at least)

I have to go for an oral glucose tolerance test, which for those of you who have not had the pleasure, is one of the nastiest experiences ever. You have to chug a huge quantity (a quart?) of what is essentially SYRUP and then get your blood tested as you see how your body responds to this mass sugar intake. I am SO not looking forward to it, especially since I have had about zero sugar in the past month (except that teeny slice of chocolate cake) and I know my body is not going to respond in a pretty way.  I had to take this test several times while pregnant. Once I chugged too fast, trying to get it over with, you know? and ended up puking it all up and having to START ALL OVER again. I remember sitting down on the floor and just bawling my eyes out. Hopefully it will go better this time – but man, I am not looking forward to it.

But otherwise we had a good chat. She said it was more important to lose the weight than to actually do a diabetic diet at this point, and whatever combination of food plan/exercise/emotional support will get me to the weight loss, that’s the best plan. She did give a shout-out, however, to the Zone Diet and the Mediterranean Diet. I’m going to check out the Zone book.

So that’s the plan. Exercise every day if possible.  Continue whatever diet feels the most do-able, but most definitely try to stay away from anything high carb. Check back in five weeks. I am actually very happy to have this five-week appointment because it gives me a target date. I want to have lost weight in five weeks. I want my numbers to be even better.

It took a few minutes for her to come in to the exam room, and while I was waiting I looked at this big DIABETES poster on the wall right next to me.  What are the results of untreated Diabetes 2? Heart attack! Stroke! Amputations! Blindness and neurological problems!!!  With nice illustrations for each! Oh, boy. Yeah, I do not want these things. I am going to walk/row/pedal my way away from that stuff and fast.

I feel like I’m in a good place right now. I feel like I can do it and it’s not painful.

Oh yeah, I am excited because Biggest Loser is on AGAIN tonight! I’d love it if they could do two one-hour shows every week.

And LOST! And Top Chef!!

2

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