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eat, move, think, feel

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Susan

writer, memoirist, foodie

Want Inspiration? Come to Success Stories LIVE!



This is going to be such an awesome event!!

We’ve gotten some amazing raffle prizes (and raffle tickets are FREE to attendees!) – Nia classes, Zumba classes, cardio fitness classes with my awesome trainer, restaurant gift certificates, Reiki bodywork session, gourmet salad servers, a handmade quilt, and… specialty chocolates by Michael Mischer, who will be making a special guest presentation!

We’ll be sharing some yummy low-point snacks!

The lineup of fabulously successful members is amazing. We’ll have a “before” picture slide show and then present them in all their “now” amazingness. Hear their stories and how they succeeded with Weight Watchers. This event is free and open to ALL – members, friends, anyone in the community who wants to be inspired and learn how WW can work for you. Please join us!

There Is Such A Thing as Too Much Support

I was soooooo worried about my feet during the half marathon that I went a little overboard at the race expo. My right foot and ankle have been bothering me for a really long time.  But I was worried about my “good” left foot somehow inexplicably giving out on me, and so I bought this ankle wrap sold by some overzealous vendor at the Expo. And I got it wrapped by the KTT tape folks. AND I wore special sports compression socks.

My foot started aching during the first mile and by the time I got to mile 11, it was excruciatingly painful. I loosened up the Velco straps but it really didn’t do the trick. Last night, the first night I didn’t take Aleve, it started acting up again. It was realllly tender on the outside and felt swollen. I started to freak out and think I had maybe gotten a compression fracture. I started thinking, if I broke my foot, Everyone is going to say, “You shouldn’t be running! You broke your foot!” I started spiralling into this crazy defiant place and feeling like my victory was going to be snatched away by some embarrassing injury.

Luckily, the stars aligned and at the same time that one of my own work appointments no-showed, my podiatrist had a last-minute opening in his schedule. I went over there, with visions of cast boots and crutches in my head. AGH.

But he took a look at it and immediately diagnosed that I’d brought a case of tendinitis upon myself, by compressing my foot into this tight sleeve, and then as it swelled up more and more from activity and pressure and miles upon miles, the tendon was totally raw and irritated. Voila. I DID THIS.

The good news is that I can undo it with some ice and Ibuprofen. I didn’t break anything and I can keep running, after I rest it up and let the tendon calm down.

But it is yet one more lesson I learned from this marathon: do what you can to support your body, but don’t go overboard with stuff you have never used and don’t understand.

And the winner is….

Emily! Congratulations!

For EVERYONE who entered, I am so incredibly sorry that I could not give one of these to each and every one of you. I truly am. I will be writing lots more about this giveaway later on but I wanted to let you know that I was so moved and compelled by all of your stories. This was a very difficult decision and it does not mean a thing about my belief in your ability to be active and fit. You can do this!!!!! Gadget or not.

I Finished a Half Marathon!

(DISCLAIMER: This is the longest blog post I have EVER WRITTEN. It is an epic of a race recap. Feel free to scroll or skip)

This has been an amazing experience. An amazing, amazing, wonderful, incredible, challenging, painful and beautiful experience. I am never going to forget it. But just in case, I’m going to put down every single detail here. I hope you like lots of obsessive detail as well as a lot of pictures, because that’s what you’re going to get! See slideshow (scroll to end) for a trip through Foodie’s race weekend. Be aware that the slide show seems to have randomized my pictures so they are NOT in chronological order but hopefully you will recognize the images from the recap.

Where do I begin? I guess I begin on Friday night when I arrived here alone. I was all chompy at the bit so I went over the race Expo. WOW what a scene. It was very exciting. I checked-in and got my race number. The Brooks people had this giant area with prizes and a carnival atmosphere and stuff. They had a giant painted bus and a place where you could run on a treadmill and they took video of your feet running in slow-mo. That was pretty cool. I also won a bumper sticker and a hat.

I was a little sad but also a little relieved to be all alone in our giant 3-bedroom suite (which I had booked in July, thinking it was going to be Party Central, but alas, many people had to cancel). I was exhausted and I crashed very early Friday night.

I visited the Expo three times because frankly, I was kind of obsessed with my feet and ankles and determined to find whatever support I could to assure that I was going to finish this race in the best shape possible. I was worried. I’d had a good ten-mile run a week ago, but since then I was plagued by right ankle and heel pain. I was kind of freaked out.

So at the Expo I had my feet and ankles taped at the KTT booth, I bought an ankle wrap support doohickie, bought a pair of compression socks from Zensah and if they had had a shamanic healer booth, I would have gone there too. I also bought a pair of those rocker-bottom sneakers because they were 50% off (I am such a sucker for deals!). I don’t believe any of the hoo-hah that claims they make you lose weight or get buns of steel, but I think it’s probably worthwhile to change up your gait and posture. My cousin-in-law was wearing them for Thanksgiving and he swore by them and said they are great. So I got a pair. I also got a foam roller kit with a killer little roller, a foam block and a hard foam ball.

I met up with Brandon (aka @AHealthyDad) and @fitmacdaddy at the Expo and we took a fun photo at the faux finish line.  It was great to meet some other healthy Tweeters!

Julianne (aka @pubsgal) and Junior arrived on Saturday afternoon and we went through the Expo one more time. We especially had a hoot going through all the Tshirts at One More Mile (I didn’t buy any).  I did get some new sporty don’t-fall-out earbuds (more on those later).

After shopping-till-dropping, we went back to the hotel and got ready for dinner and our show night. Ended up at a fancy-shmancy place called Yellowtail where they served, of all things, crab sushi with POP ROCKS (yes, the CANDY) in it. It was like a weird episode of Top Chef. Did it “work?” Um, not really. But now we can say we’ve eaten sushi with candy in it. For the first and last time. See photo of @pubsgal’s facial response.

After dinner we went to see Cirque du Soleil’s “O” show. It was breathtaking and awesome and beautiful and dazzling and melancholy and just a wonderful experience. That afternoon, Dr. Mo had counseled me (among other things) to see something “physically inspiring” (she mentioned YouTube videos) and this certainly fit the bill.

We went home and I set up my pre-race pile o’stuff, put my race chip on my shoe, fastened my number to my waist belt, packed my little pack with money, Gu Chomps, etc.

I set my alarm for 5:00am but ended up waking at 3:45. I think this is pretty common. I debated going back to sleep for another hour but I was so wired I didn’t think it was going to happen. So I got up, stretched, had coffee and bagel with peanut butter.

Since the Strip was closed for the marathon, it was a bit of a nervewracking debacle getting down to the start line. (especially since I noted on Twitter that various people were heading over there starting at 4am when I woke up!!) Our plan was to leave our hotel at 6 to arrive there (4 miles away) well before 7:00am. But the hotel staff seemed rather perplexed by the whole thing and said they were having a hell of a time getting taxis to come around “the back way.” There were lots of people waiting around and no taxis. They recommended taking the Monorail, but that meant walking a few blocks from our hotel and then walking another MILE AND A HALF to the start line. I was not really interested in adding another 1.5-2 miles to our race distance, so we were holding out pretty much for a taxi.

We walked to a hotel across the street since one of our taxi drivers the night before had told us they would have taxis at their back entrance. We trudged through the casino and there were NO taxis to be seen. Anxiety increased. I kept bugging the valet guy who insisted he was putting out multiple calls and after what seemed like FOREVER, a taxi showed up. It was one of the jankiest taxis I have ever ridden in, but we did not care. It got us there.

Arrived to find thousands of people streaming toward the starting corrals. They had a “wave” start with people lined up in corrals based on estimated pace time. I was in one of the last ones. But what I did not realize is that the “gear bag check” area was not anywhere near the corrals, and I was in a bit of a panic that I was going to miss the start. By this time it was about 6:55. I needn’t have worried.

Finally found the gear check area, which was actually awesomely organized. I had packed a giant plastic bag (supplied by the race people) with warm dry clothes, an extra jacket, socks, etc. Then I rushed (I mean RAN) over to my corral. And then proceeded to stand there for like half an hour. I could tell by Tweets that Sue O (aka @mrsfatass) was in my same corral and I really wanted to meet her! But she was packed into the center of the corral like a sardine, and I was kind of claustrophic so I stayed outside the corral “fence” until the herd began moving forward.

FINALLY we started moving toward the start line which was way, way, way off. The anticipation was both killing and exciting. We kept seeing clumps of people hear the “GO!” signal ahead of us, and then we would trudge ahead a few more feet. This was a big adrenaline moment.

Then it was our turn. I was only about 3 people away from the actual start rope and the feeling at that spot was amazing. Then the 3…2…1… GO! And we were off.

I had a hard time “finding my feet” at first, trying to figure out what pace to go. I knew I wanted to walk but I was so tempted to run and I did run a very short distance before realizing that was a bad idea. I also used the first mile to figure out my electronic situation. I had an iPod shuffle which I had meticulously loaded with great music the night before. My plan was to use the Shuffle for my music, and to save my iPhone for occasional tweeting and to text Junior and possibly Mr. McBody during the race, but we had signed up for this service that gave pace and distance updates via texting during the race, so I figured he’d be updated.

Well. First problem I discovered that the NEW EARBUDS I had purchased at the Expo did NOT WORK with my Shuffle! It did not have the little volume and song-choice control button thing on it. It had a microphone, and I could swear the sales person told me or maybe I assumed, but I had NO control over the volume (it was so low I could barely hear it) and worse, I had no choice over what song I was listening to. It was NOT set to my Running playlist. AGHHH.

Music is one of the lifesavers of my running experience. It is super, super important to me and can make or break a race for me. So I immediately felt panicky about losing my best music. I had a choice: I could randomly listen to whatever the Shuffle turned up, or I could put the earbuds into my iPhone and access my playlist. But this would also suck up the battery life and then I might not be able to use the phone for actual communication.

For the first part of the race I just went with the Shuffle. I was amused that certain songs that I’d never consider “running songs” actually worked. Including “By My Side” from the Godspell soundtrack (ßnostalgia for high school era musicals).

Where are you going? Where are you going? Can you take me with you? I’ve got a pebble in my shoe. And watch me walk. I can walk, I can walllllllllllkkkkkkk…. (swelling chorus)

That kept me going for a while.

As we went down the strip I realized I had not seen any mile 1 marker. I don’t know if they didn’t have one, or I missed it because I was messing with my music. But I was really unhappy during the first 2 miles. My left arch was aching, I just wasn’t feeling GOOD, and I thought, holy mackerel, if this is the first mile, I am dead.

We passed the Mile 2 marker after what seemed like an eternity, and then I perked up because I realized I’d just finished 2/3 of a 5k. At that point I had still been seeking out the Mile ONE marker and I was beginning to freak out. But when I realized I’d gotten to Mile 2, I felt immediately better. I knew that in 1.1 mile I’d be at the first 5k.

I texted Mr. McBody to see if he was getting updates on Junior, who I knew was way ahead of me. He said he’d gotten nothing. Hmm. As it turned out the whole “auto-update” thing had technical problems and issued an apology and refund promise at the end of the day.

Texting him made me realize how much I needed that support. I began sending some updates to Twitter and it made me feel sooooo good to receive encouraging “Go Foodie!” tweets in response. It was HUGE.

Okay, so a little about the course. Basically it was my understanding (I did not study the map in huge detail and I thought I understood it) that we would run up the Strip past this giant landmark called the Stratosphere, then go a little ways past it, then turn around and come back down the Strip. So for the first part I was just focused on getting past the Stratosphere. I sort of thought of it as my halfway-ish point.

This is where the mental part of running comes in. What happened is that we passed the Stratosphere. Yay! Then a few blocks ahead I saw a bunch of runners going perpendicular on a cross street, and I thought, oh, just a couple blocks, then we’re going to turn left and come back down! WRONG. What happened is that we passed the Stratosphere and then went through this freaking long MAZE of streets, I mean it felt that Harry Potter maze of death. Within this maze we passed the 6 and 7 mile markers, the 10K etc. But it seemed to take FOREVER to get to that place of turning around and heading back down the strip.

In reality it was like this: 1/3 up the strip, 1/3 wandering around a horrible maze of downtown Las Vegas, including decrepit awful depressing liquor stores, strip bars, tacky Wedding Chapels (not the cute tacky kind, the truly bleak kind) $25-a-room crack dealer hotels, and just AGHHH, and then 1/3 down the strip. This was kind of horrific. Race planners, I think I would have preferred that 1/3 wandering around in a desert or a subdivision or the AIRPORT then that particular plot of geography. But whatever.

We emerged from the Maze and once again faced South. My first impression was, there’s the Stratosphere again. And OMG it is SO FAR AWAY. At this point I was completely disgusted with the volume and choice of musical offerings on my Shuffle so I switched to my iPhone.  This again perked me up immediately and I am sure I really sped up here. I was about at mile 9 and feeling pretty good. I passed the 15k and then Mr. McBody texted me that Junior had just finished, at 2 hours 24 minutes. I was so excited for her and feeling good.

I passed ten miles. At that point I knew I was getting into territory I’d never been before: running more than 10 miles. I told myself I had just one more 5k to go, one more lap around my beloved Lake Merritt.

It started getting really hard. My left arch, which had been aching virtually since mile 1, started feeling actual intense PAIN. I did not know what to do. My right ankle, which has plagued me since the dawn of time, was miraculously feeling good. The rest of me felt pretty good – no hip or knee pain. But my left foot! (hey, wasn’t that a movie? ;-)) was suddenly KILLING. I tweeted plaintively, “11 miles oh Jesus.” I wasn’t quite sure what I meant by that, but it was an SOS of sorts. It was like… I am not sure I can do this. It was my Faltering Point.

At that moment I can say, thank God for Twitter because the encouraging messages started popping up on my phone. I cranked up the best music I could find, watching my battery level sink lower and lower. I had to pull out all the guns. Then it occurred to me that maybe I had given my left foot TOO MUCH support (is there such a thing?) by wrapping it in that ankle wrap. I had done that prophylactically, to keep from injuring it, but something was killing my arch. So I pulled over to the side and undid the Velcro straps. I contemplated taking it off completely but I did not want to stop for too long because I knew it would make me start feeling weak and sick. So I just undid them and let the flop about. I think it may have helped me a little bit. It helped me psychologically.

Miles 11-13 were hard. They were damn freaking hard. I’d say the first two miles and the last two miles of this race were the worst ones for me emotionally. I stopped tweeting and texting and just put on my determined face and powered through the best I could. Junior came up to meet me about ½ mile out and gave me an encouraging rub on the shoulder and a “Go mama!” I kept going.

Damn that last tenth of a mile! When I saw the 13 mile sign I was SO READY to be done. But we had a final tenth to go and it was, I swear, mildly UPHILL – the only hill in the entire race. I was so not in the mood for a hill of even one degree grade at that point. The end of the race was kind of confusing because there was a half-marathon finish line, a marathon finish line and a big puffy arch thing. I wasn’t sure which point was the actual stopping point. I kept running even through the finish line because the puffy arch was still a ways a way and then I asked the people, “Am I done?”

When they said, “Yup, all finished!” I just burst into tears. I cried and cried. It was so emotional. It was a big moment. Then I went to get my gear and find Junior and Julianna and listen to a few minutes of Bret Michaels (his music is Not My Thing but I like him bc he’s now a diabetes advocate). One of the COOLEST thing they had at the Post-Race Village was this tent with big cushy benches and giant TUBS OF ICE where you could go soak your throbbing feet. I took huge advantage of this. They provided big thick plastic knee-high bags to put over your socks and when I put my feet in that tub… Ahhhhhh. Nothing had ever felt so good. It was just… ahhhhhhh.

Getting back to the hotel after the race proved to be… challenging. The taxi line at Mandalay Bay was INSANE so we decided to take the Monorail. Let me just say that this was not easy and it added a good 2-3 miles of walking to our race. Not a happy thing. We were hurting and tired and at this point I started feeling all the familiar gastrointestinal symptoms of running a long race. (I will not give TMI, but let me say I was not feeling very good)

It took us over an hour and a half to traverse the 4 miles to our hotel. (which we had already passed twice during the race) Got there, showered and then Junior and I went down to the hotel spa for our post-race massage that I’d scheduled earlier. I was so zonked at this point that I just said, “My feet hurt. Please rub them,” and then I passed out on the table. I think it felt good. But when I stood up my feet STILL hurt, so she did not manage to perform any miracles.

Then we went to the room to nap for a bit then headed over to Serendipity3 at Caesar’s Palace. I am a lifelong fan of Serendipity3 in New York City and I never pass up a chance to get a Frozen Hot Chocolate. We enjoyed an amazingly delicious dinner of Kobe Beef Sliders (adorable and delicious), sweet potato fries, Summer Bries (turkey apple and brie sandwich) crab cake salad (@pubsgal) and a foot-long hotdog (Junior). It was a perfect post-race meal. Then we sent Junior off to the airport and Julianna and I came back to the hotel. And CRASHED HARD.

I was so happy to wake up this morning with only very minor aches and pains (I’ve had worse pain after sessions with my trainer) and an extreeeeeeeeemely swollen face. My lips were gigantic. That’s from all the hydrating! But after some coffee and resuming my blood pressure meds and a lot of water and trips to the bathroom, I am balancing out. I got on the airplane and came home. The end!

  • I learned a lot during this race. I think even though it had its Very Difficult Moments, it was one of my favorite races of all time. I learned:
  • I can pretty much run a half marathon. I think I walked a total of 2 (maximum) out of the 13.1 miles. Just knowing that is just an amazing feeling and it gets me all choked up just thinking about it. For most of the time leading up to this race I did not intend to run ANY of it, but something caught ahold of me just in the last month and I ended up shocking myself.
  • I’m getting the hang of this hydration thing. Drinking sports drinks instead of (or in addition to) water has made a HUGE HUGE difference in how I feel. Ditto on the nutrition. I had about 2/3 bag of Gu Chomps plus about ½ pack of regular Gu during the race and I think that was about right. This was the FIRST LONG RACE I’ve done in which I did not experience frightening numb/tingling hands, shortness of breath, dizziness or otherwise feeling like total death. So GO ME for figuring this out.
  • My final time was 3:09 so now I have a new goal of sub-three hours. Which is pretty modest but also I think quite attainable. And yes I am thinking of the Next One!! I do not think I want to go to full marathon level, but we shall see. I want to get better at doing halves.
  • My final race pace average was 14:26 minute mile, or 4.16mph. When I saw those stats I got very teary because my goal was 15 minute mile and I really did better than that. This is shocking to me because it means even though I walked a bit at probably 18-min pace, it means when I was running I was running quite a bit faster than 14:26 at some points. That’s like… wow.
  • I need to NOT TRY NEW STUFF on race day. Like wearing an ankle support thing just for the heck of it. Or trying new electronics. Those things both hindered me big time. On the other time, my new compression socks worked out just fine and I think the KTT taping was also a good thing.

It felt good. It felt soo gooooooood. To do something I really really did not think was possible. It’s such a mental thing! I cried (yeah I’m doing a lot of crying!) when I saw what Mr. McBody posted on my Facebook page (something he RARELY DOES):

  1. Overcoming adversity and numerous obstacles. 2. Overturning lifelong limiting beliefs. This required great bravery and internal fortitude. It’s a beautiful thing. Susan is my hero.

Overturning lifelong limiting beliefs! And boy, does he know this. He remembers when he’d try to coax me on a one-mile run and I couldn’t/wouldn’t do it. He remembers when I’d go YEARS without exercise and was 40 lbs overweight.

I think he pretty much summed up why I feel so damn good about this weekend. How’s THAT for a Moby Dick of a race recap??

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Watch This Space for Half Marathon Recap

It’s gonna be a GREAT BIG LONG ONE. But in the meantime….

me and Junior at the finish

Launch Week! Half Marathon Week! YOWWWWW!

He listens! He really listens!

What a week this is!! And it isn’t over! On Sunday, Weight Watchers launched its brand-spanking new PointsPlus program, which I am SO excited about. I have been so so many WW meetings this week and each one has been like a party. One of the most exciting ones was where I got to see the world’s most awesome CEO, aka Dave Kirchhoff, the CEO of Weight Watchers International. He’s been traveling around to different meetings durings launch week and I got wind (thank you Twitter) that he was headed for northern California. (can you say stalker? No, I’m not really- just a huge fan). The thing I admire most

me and the Big (lowfat) Cheese

about Dave K is that he is not only a giant big cheese executive, he is also a humble Weight Watchers member who attends meetings, tracks his food and HAS A HEALTHY LIVING BLOG. He *lives* Weight Watchers, day in and day out. He has struggles and victories. He shares them with us. He spent time really listening to the members in the room, and empathizing and telling us his thoughts. Here are his thoughts on the new PointsPlus program.

I got to launch my big meeting last night. I was SO HYPED UP on adrenaline that by the time the meeting was over, I was a totally limp noodle. My WWBFF and I staggered over to the sushi place next door and toasted the new plan with some miso soup and 007 Sushi roll. (<<< one point per piece! Yeah!)

A lot of people have had some very exciting and articulate responses to the new plan. I’m going to link them here, because I don’t have time to go into a lot of detail (let me just say I LOVE IT) and I also am not at liberty to go into the kind of detail that they do.

I’m excited to see peoples’ reactions after they’ve been following the plan for a while. I think they’re going to be very happy. My members didn’t have a ton of questions so I am very excited to hear their reactions next week.

And now my thoughts turn to Vegas. I’m leaving tomorrow! I have not really done a huge amount of workout since Sunday. I feel like I’ve sort of wrapped myself in bubble wrap because I so do not want to be injured for this race. My heel started some funny business yesterday and I was like Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! and right now it’s doing okay. But I’m feeling aches and twinges and little pains that are jumping around my body in bizarre fashion. Just to freak me out I’m sure.  Anyway, it’s after midnight, I’m still doing laundry, I am not packed and well…. that’s just how it is.

I’m sure I will be checking in again from Vegas but in the meantime I wanted to post a link to Kenz’s 12 Days of Christmas Holiday Swap. I am a total cheeseball for things like this. I encourage any of you to participate as well. I’ve been putting together my dozen gifts and whoever gets paired up withe me is going to love their gift package. I love being a Secret Santa and a Secret Valentine and oh YEAH, a not-so-secret GIVER OF NIFTY FITNESS GADGETS! Remember? the DirectLife Activity monitor giveaway?? Are you in? Because I’m going to pick the winner on MONDAY when I get back from Vegas!

TEN MILES.

It’s actually pretty shocking to me that on Saturday, I wrote this bleak, helpless post. Then by Saturday evening I was feeling better. On Sunday morning I went one of the first area launch meetings of the new Weight Watchers PointsPlus Program (try saying THAT ten times fast) which was like a HUGE PARTY and by Sunday afternoon I felt ready to put my sneakers on and try and run ten miles.

And guess what? I did it.

It shocked me. It really did. I’ve been struggling with running in one way or another ever since I did my first 5k back in 2009. I often end up getting dehydrated and sick, or hurt in my ankles or feet. So I was feeling trepidatious. But I really felt like I need to get this 10 miler down to see if I could really manage the half marathon in Las Vegas next weekend.

And I learned some stuff! Some really important stuff!!

  1. I need to start out slooooooooooow. This is the complete antithesis to what usually happens during a race. There is so much adrenaline, and people are bouncing up and down, and the gun or the bullhorn goes off, and it’s like… WHOOOOSH! Everyone takes off. I always have started out every race way, way, way too fast. Like crazy fast. And what happens? I end up feeling really bad very quickly.  On Sunday, I decided to start slowly, ie walking. Walking briskly, but WALKING. And I told myself I would not run until I felt like running. Which did not happen for a good half mile. Now during a REAL RACE, this means a lot of people – I mean HUNDREDS of people – will be passing me by. And I have to just not let that get to me.  I have come to realize that I am really a loner when it comes to running. When people want to run with me, it generally makes me kind of nervous because I lose my natural pace. So I am going to have to really hunker down into mySELF during the Las Vegas half because that is what is going to get my through.
  2. I need to be well hydrated but not TOO hydrated. Duh. I have been dehydrated so much it’s embarrassing. But I finally realized that what I need is a sports drink, like sugar-free Gatorade or Powerade or some such, and those little Gu chomps. (ie giant gummy bear things) And just a little bit of water. That’s my combo. That’s what I used on Sunday, and it worked better than any other long run I’ve had.
  3. Slow, slow, slow. I just told myself that I would lope along at my turtle pace and stay comfortable at all times. I never got short of breath or otherwise strained. I just wanted to be comfortable. This is a good thing.
  4. My feet and ankles had a few Moments of discomfort, but weirdly enough, the 10 mile run around the lake felt 100x better than a ten MINUTE run on the treadmill. Go figure. So.

So that’s it. That run on Sunday was just… amazing. It was as good or better than the 9 mile run I did a while back. It amazed me. And when my Runkeeper app hit that 10.01 mark, I just about cried. I could have gone on. I wasn’t wiped out. I knew then that I would be able to finish the half, and that I could probably stay within spitting distance of my 15-minute mile pace. Which is glacially slow for some people, but just right for me.

I was so in love with Oakland when I ran this run. I started out in the late afternoon and by the time I finished (2.5 hours later) it was dark. The necklace of lights turned on around the lake, and I saw the runners, the hobblers, people of every race and age and size and ability, all circling around. It was a beautiful thing.

Tunnel, Meet Light

That was a pretty bleak post I wrote this morning. But you know what is so very awesome about being part of a healthy living community? You put your ugly stuff out there, and people come through for you. This is so very true. So first I got a bunch of supportive tweets. Then I got a phone call from my WW BFF (who also happens to be an awesome WW leader). She said, “It sounds like maybe you need to go to a meeting.”

Light bulb! I have not attended a WW meeting as a member in so very long. And that is something that we are supposed to never forget, that we are all members first. As it happened, HER meeting happened to be starting in less than an hour. So it got me out of my sad woe-is-me pajamas and into some exercise clothes (yay) and over to the meeting.

I felt like such a sad sack in that meeting, but it moved me. Something clicked. The theme was “Learning from Experience.” The thing is, these weekly WW themes can be SO DEEP if we let them be. I sat there and muddled and pondered and thought about what I can learn from this experience. I realized a few things. One, that I was not particularly enjoying my food these past few days because I was eating out of resentment. I wasn’t really savoring or tasting or enjoying my food, which is one of my own cardinal rules. So I vowed that I would really try to go back to savoring as much as possible.

I also realized that I had just been waiting, all this time, almost two years, to see myself stumble and FAIL. Because that little Gollum inside me has been lurking in there, chewing on dead fish and muttering, “You’re not all that, missy.”

Last night I stayed up and caught up on the Makeover Week episode of Biggest Loser. I just cried all the way through it. For those of you who have not been watching Season 10, there are these two women, Elizabeth and Ada. Elizabeth started out the season keeling over during the first challenge and having to be taken away by ambulance. Ada is this fierce Asian-American woman whose parents have been punishing her her whole life for the deaths of her brothers. Anyway, Elizabeth is often physically overwhelmed by challenges; she gets asthma and just has to stop. Ada is a total WARRIOR and really an unstoppable force but she clearly has all this hurt stuff inside. Her family is clearly still punishing her and they suck.

Anyway, in this episode there was this mega-stair challenge. They had to run up like 100 flights of stairs which believe me, is no joke. OR they could take this trolley train thing, for less credit. After like 50 flights of steps, Elizabeth was really struggling (oh I could relate!) and decided to take the train. She felt way behind and when everyone else was done, she was only at 70 and she just could not see doing those last 30 flights alone. She threw in the towel and then was really really upset with herself.

I’ve been that Elizabeth so many times. I’ve had asthma. I have diabetes and high blood pressure. I had pre-eclampsia and gall stones and messed up ankles and allergies. I always had stomach aches when I was little and I just never saw myself as a very healthy person. I would give up so easily. Even when I was on my high school track team, I’d often keel over IN THE MIDDLE OF A RACE and start throwing up or throwing some joint out of whack or whatever; ie not finishing because I was so afraid of coming in last.

But as I was watching I realized that I’ve also been Ada. I’ve felt like I’m not good enough (to live). And I’ve also been a fierce unstoppable beast in the gym. I’ve been all those things. They all live inside me.

After I went to the WW meeting I felt a lot calmer. I felt like I had a lot of things to think about (I still do). Then I went to the gym. I got on the elliptical for half an hour. It felt good and sweaty and clean. Then I got on the treadmill. After 12 minutes my feet and ankles were SCREAMING IN PAIN. I got off. I swore a whole bunch. I got back on the elliptical and did another 20 minutes.

So I got a good workout. But the running part sucked big time. I’m not quite sure what to make of that. I do know that I am determined to FINISH that damn half-marathon no matter what. I might very well be crawling.

To finish up on the Elizabeth/Ada thing: at the gym the next day, the trainers gave Elizabeth the opportunity to complete her final 30 flights on the stairmaster. And she did it and felt really great about herself. I was so happy for her. She also had her inner fierceness inside. I think we all do.

So I’m feeling calmer, better, sweatier. I want to thank everyone for the support you sent my way earlier. Everyone who texted me, tweeted, emailed and commented – you boosted me up a lot. WHICH IS WHY I LOVE THIS COMMUNITY. Thank you.

Struggle.

It’s so much fun to write posts about things like “The Best Run of my Life!” It’s not so much fun to write about where I am right now. But for the sake of honesty I think it’s important. It’s not easy and joyful and mindful and strong every single day.  Some days suck. This week has had some great moments but it’s also been kind of sucky.

  • I feel overweight. This is not just my imagination and “feeling fat.” The combination of last week’s vacation and this week’s Thanksgiving has not been a happy one. I’m sure I could have been more mindful on both counts, but it was what it was. Thus feeling the F word in a big way and then wanting to beat myself up for not doing better. SO not fun.
  • I feel super cranky. Partly because of the first point, but also because of some interpersonal tensions I do not feel at liberty to write about. Just… argh.
  • My body feels like CRAP. I had TWO absolutely awful walks this week in which I could not run barely at all. My ankle is feeling suddenly unstable, achey, wobbly, painful. What is up with that? I don’t know. It started really twinging when I took this pretty hike in the elk preserve last weekend, and it has been bothering me a lot since then. I am noticing that my ankle does very, very poorly on hills. It really sets it off. I noticed last night that it even bothered me in bed while I was just lying there, and I woke up with it throbbing. UNHAPPY. I have a half-marathon one week from today. UNHAPPY.
  • My fasting blood glucose was up in not-good land this morning. Great.
  • Realizing it is going to be in the 30s in Las Vegas at the time of the half, and worried/freaked out about freezing and being even less able to accomplish this thing.
  • Cranky/sad because once I had an absolutely packed, overflowing, 3-bedroom suite at Vegas and now I am going to be alone there (alone!!) on Friday night. Junior and Pubsgal are coming on Saturday, but I need to figure out something to do Friday so I don’t have a massive pity party and hit one of those mile-long buffets.
  • I’m premenstrual. Which means that I will probably be in full-blown crampy gore-fest right during the half. FUN. But which also explains my extremely terrible foul mood.
  • Tomorrow is LAUNCH day for the new Weight Watchers plan, which I should be so excited and happy about, but given the state of how I am feeling about myself, I am less rah-rah than I’d like. I hope I can pull it together by Wednesday.

It is pouring rain outside and I am not going to go for any long run. I actually think I need to go to the meditation center more than I need to go to the gym, but I guess I will go to the gym. I am feeling extremely uncentered.

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