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Fake it till you make it.

Woo! I’m back in game. Wow, I had a weird psych-out week, workout wise. (how’s that for some alliteration?)

Wednesday was my first workout back with my trainer since I’d gotten sick. I think, objectively I DID okay, and he was like, yeah, you’re doing great, this is awesome, BUT I was emotionally shaky. I do these sideways running hurdle things, two sets of ten. Usually I just do them. They feel good. On Wednesday, during the second set, when I was on #7, I felt myself looking anxiously at the clock, and wondering if I could actually make it. I did, but it brought up this crazy anxiety and grief about Not Being Able To Do something. Or having it hurt or feel hard. I know, I’ve been down this road before. But it’s my particular Achilles heel.

I think one of the reasons I really despised that girl Amanda on Biggest Loser is that I saw her as this big whinemuffin. Which is how I was much of my life. I hated myself for it, and I hated that this is how I was. And if things got hard, I’d be whimpering and moaning like a big baby. (she started doing this high pitched whining during her marathon and I just had to TURN IT OFF, it upset me so much) And I felt my whinemuffin self starting to rear its whiney little head on Wednesday. And I couldn’t stand it. I left the gym feeling really anxious and pissed off, and thought, this better change SOON.

On Thursday (yesterday) I sort of dragged myself to a Nia class. Most of the people there were like 75 years old, so it was not really this big consolation that I was able to get through the class without whining. In fact I felt rather pathetic. Also, I got there late because I was dragging my feet so much. I missed the first 15 minutes. I told myself that the consequence I was giving myself for being tardy was that I was going to take the class AFTER Nia, which is called something like Turbo Toning.聽 It’s filled with very buff college students (no senior citizens). I always see them chomping at the bit, waiting to get in as we are finishing up our Nia. (which I’m sure looks super lame to them) It’s only a half hour class. I figured I could do it.

Well, I did it. But it was hecka hard. We used 3 and 5 lb weights for endless (it felt like) repetitions. There were a lot of variations of pushups, which I hate. So I did it. I felt a little more virtuous, but still, I did not feel happy or good because I REALLY felt like whining during that class.

This morning, I trudged back to the gym. I had a little heart-to-heart with my trainer during my stretching and warmup session. I poured out all my whiney neurosis and he listened, like the great guy that he is.聽 He also had a bit of a devilish twinkle in his eye. He let me express all of my doubt, anxiety and whininess and then he put on my favorite Slumdog Millionaire workout mix, and we got down to it. Some of the things he had me do, I was like, you must be joking. But he was not joking, and I DID IT, and I BROUGHT IT, and it felt….. WHOOOOOOO!!

What I did today:

I did that whole circuit 2 times through. When I was done I felt like a million bucks. I loudly sang holiday tunes along with the radio all the way home.聽 I was so pumped.

It was interesting how my head really messed me up this week. And how it turned around. Just… interesting, this mind-body connection.

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We’re All On Our Own Journeys

I’m discovering that one of the pitfalls of being a WW leader is being too heavily (no pun intended) invested in our members’ progress. I now have four regular meetings a week.聽 At one of them, I am “only” a receptionist which I am realizing has become my “relaxing” meeting. I enjoy the members, I like them, but I don’t feel like they are MY RESPONSIBILITY. In the other meetings, I feel uber responsible. I fret if people don’t come. I fret if they don’t lose weight or if they are frustrated. This is all part of my own learning journey, I realize. It’s definitely a pitfall of being a borderline (?) codependent, caregiving, invested kind of person.

All I can say is, it’s a good thing my WW leaders over the past 15 years did not take ME personally, because if they had, they would’ve gone out back and shot themselves. I missed a lot of meetings. I had plateaus that went on for months. Then I quit. Then I rejoined. With a bad attitude. I came to the meetings but sat there with a sucking-lemon face. I did not really listen to what the leaders said. I played games on my cell phone. I rolled my eyes.

Holy toledo. Is this… karma coming back to bite me in the butt? Ha ha ha ha. Maybe it is.

So, in all my meetings, I’d say some members are doing spectacularly well. Others are doing so-so and some are really struggling. Which I guess is probably par for the course. But since *I* am so newly enamored of this program, and feel it works so well for me, I sometimes don’t know what to do when everyone is not on the same page. Or even reading the same book. Or even in the same universe.

I DO feel that I can empathize with their frustration, their disappointment and disgust (with themselves as well as with the program). I can honestly say, I’ve been there. But what would have made a difference to me, during all that time when I was in that place? Anything??

Truly, I had so much of my OWN crap that I was grappling with at the time, I don’t know if any leader could have made a difference. I will say that none of them tried. Nobody reached out to me when I was falling away, when I was missing tons of meetings. When I disappeared (for years). Nobody asked me, what’s going on? Again, I have no idea if it would have made a difference.

I think a lot of it had to do with motivation. I often joined but was not motivated. I didn’t really care. I felt like I was there because someone ELSE thought I should be there. (as untrue as that may have been, it was the way I perceived it) And when someone is in that place, it is really hard to reach them.

But I do notice when people don’t come. I notice when they don’t see what they want on the scale, and then they vanish. How familiar is that? Very familiar.

It’s a humbling experience for me, being on this side of things. I’m learning so much, about myself, about other people, and again and again how we are all connected. Or not. I have to remind myself to breathe, and to just offer what I have to offer. And if people are in a place where they really want to make these changes, they will. And if they’re not, well, maybe they’ll come around again in 5 or 10 years.

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Bright Spots

I have reallllllllllly been dragging this week. I mean, dragging. It is all I can do to get to a meeting (I have had one every day starting Sunday, and another one tomorrow) and then drag back to bed. Today felt like the worst of it. I was so achey and sneezy and just weak. Ugh. But when I got to my at-work meeting, the members there gave me such energy. This is the meeting that is mostly guys. They are so ON it! They surprise me so much with the insights they are having, how into it they are and how successful they have been. During Thanksgiving week, they lost a total of 28.8 lbs (and over 50 lbs in two weeks since they began!). How awesome is that?? They are blowing my mind. It has been so much fun working with them. That was the big bright spot in my day today.

Tomorrow I am going to drag myself onto an airplane and take a little 3-night getaway to… Las Vegas. Yeah! I’m excited. NOT. I would probably be more excited if聽 I felt well. But right now all I can think of is… I hope it’s a comfy bed.聽 I just want to lie in the comfy bed in the Las Vegas hotel. I want to avoid buffets. I pray that I will be well enough to at least do some walking, if not return to a gym. But right now all I can think of is… bed.

I did not have energy to liveblog last night, but the BL marathon made me cry. There is a marathon coming up in my town in March. I am thinking of doing 1/4 of a 4-person relay.聽 But after last night, I was thinking… come on Foodie, go for at least a half. We shall see. Right now聽 I couldn’t make it halfway around the BLOCK.

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Bleah.

Still don’t feel so good. Not horribly SICK sick, but not well enough to work out. I have to avoid looking at Twitter because it makes me sad and envious to see all the great exercise that people are doing. I wish I could. I can putter around the house, etc but I don’t really feel like even taking a walk. It is all the energy I can muster to get to my WW meeting, do my work, come home and lie down. Sigh. I really hope this passes soon!

And unfortunately, whatever bug this is has not had any dampening effect on my appetite. 馃槮

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New Comfort Food: Pesto Roasted Cauliflower

One of the great things about leading WW meetings is that I have to pay attention to all these elements of the program that are really, really helpful. This morning I said something along the lines of finding new foods or new ways of enjoying old foods, to keep things “fresh.”

I’m still sort of on the sick side. I’ve got pretty low energy and a sore throat. Yesterday I was surprised at how much I felt like eating. I wanted real comfort food, like mashed potatoes and pudding. Baby food.聽 I realized that if I keep going too long like this, without exercising, soon I’m going to be in trouble.

So on the way home from the meeting I stopped at the Farmers Market. I spotted a cauliflower. I didn’t really think about it much. But I brought it home, chopped it up and put it in the over (425) for half an hour. When the buzzer went off, it was crispy and browned, crunchy and yet soft on the inside. I mixed it with a little jarred pesto and put it in a big bowl. OH WOW. It was like… the best comfort food ever. I was so happy. And it happened spontaneously. This was one of the few things we discussed in today’s meeting and it felt so good to just implement it in a way that satisfied my need for comfort and yet is still really healthy.

Now, a nap. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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thanks thanks thanks

Yesterday was a wonderful Thanksgiving. I had both of my daughters home, and other friends and family. The food prep felt almost effortless, and everything was delicious. I gave some friends a few WW recipes and was amazed and pleased at how yummy and undietish it tasted. We had a creamed spinach that was absolutely decadent: and only one point!

I woke up early and went to a Turkey Trot organized by some other local WW leaders.聽 Around 60 people showed up and we took a lovely trot down the shoreline. The weather was chilly but sunny and really perfect. I think the course was around 5k. I walked out, enjoying a nice chat with one of the members from my Mon night meeting. When we got to the turnaraound point, I was feeling nicely warmed up and was really in the mood to try to run. I told myself, I’ll go until it doesn’t feel good. Well it felt GREAT the whole time! My ankle did not hurt or feel the least bit unstable. (I was wearing my brace) This made me very happy and something good to feel thankful for (among many).

The rest of the day was wonderful. Great food, laughing and a hilarious game of Apples to Apples.

This morning, though, I woke up and had a very sore throat. Wah. I haven’t been sick in so so so long. But here it is. I’ve had a regular flu shot but not an H1N1. I am hoping for the best. I hope I am well for my WW meeting on Sunday morning –this is not a good time to try and find a sub!

I crept out to a Nia class at 9am and took it easy- I felt like I needed to stretch and move, but when I came back that was definitely the big energy expenditure of the day.

Can you believe we had NO – I mean NO turkey leftover? 15 lbs for 15 people, and it just vanished. This made me feel bereft. All that stuffing (pans and pans!) and gravy and potatoes and EVERYthing — but NO TURKEY. So I stopped at the grocery and bought a 5 lb turkey breast and just roasted it. YUM. (why don’t I do this more often? It’s so easy! and yummy!) It was even better than the big turkey yesterday.

Is it starve a cold, feed a fever? Whatever it is, I am in eating mode.聽 YUM TURKEY.

And then… nap. Ahhhhhhh.

PS. Anybody have any ideas for leftover shrimp? We had shrimp cocktail as an app yesterday, and there’s about a pound leftover. I thought… shrimp salad, for sandwiches? Any other ideas?

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A Reader Asks: “Dear Foodie…”

I got an email from a reader recently! Asking for my opinion regarding her teenaged daughter. First of all, I am honored that anybody would ask my opinion on ANYthing.聽 Let me say that I am not a big expert at this – far from it -(just read my posts from January!!) but I do have some thoughts about most things and am glad to share what I’m thinking. So that’s just it… my opinion.聽 Here’s the question.

Q: I have a 16-year-old daughter who would like to lose weight but doesn’t get a lot of exercise. I think she would die rather than go to a WW meeting. We already tend to keep healthy foods around the house, and she makes fairly good food choices compared to a lot of American teenagers. But without tracking her eating, and without a lot of exercise, she doesn’t lose weight. Any suggestions for how to help a teen in this kind of situation?

I suppose one answer would be to help her learn to track points on her own, using my WW materials but without having to enroll herself. But I am not sure she will have the discipline to track, and I don’t want to put myself in a position of having to bug her or be the bad guy about food — I fear that the more involved I get, the more likely it is that she will say, “f— you, Ieave me alone, I’m going to eat whatever I want.”

Well, I’ve been mulling this over for a few days now. It’s a big answer! A long answer. With many facets and layers. Without writing an entire BOOK on the subject, here are my thoughts.

Motivation: This is one of the biggest factors in being able to lose weight, I believe.聽 Mathematically, I think that M (motivation) must > All Those Factors Conspiring Against Weight Loss (love of foods, emotions, environment, inertia, etc) or else it can’t work. And to be honest, I did not find sufficient M in my life until I was 49 years old. (do not use me as an example! just sayin!) My motivation was Health, pure and simple. And until I found that particular motivation, my M was ALWAYS < All Those Factors.

When I was 16, being motivated by health was the LAST THING on my mind. Hell, it was the last thing on my mind when I was 40. I just felt like I could do Whatever for However Long, and it would not catch up with me.

SO is it hopeless? NO. You just need to help this 16 yr old figure out her OWN motivations, which can be similarly compelling, just different. They are much more likely to be socially based, like, “I want to feel comfortable in a bathing suit.” “I want to be able to look good in any outfit at Urban Outfitters.” “I want to feel HOT.” (or whatever) One of the best tools for this is the Beck Diet Solution, which helped me a LOT at the start of my journey. It is all about tapping into one’s own particular Motivation and keeping that front-and-center at all times. Because it is SO easy to just Not Care.

The other thing is to separate Her desire to lose weight, from Your desire to have her lose weight (because you know she will be happier and healthier). For many many years, I could not FIND my own desire/motivation because it was clouded and all tangled up by what I PERCEIVED to be my spouse’s desire for me to lose weight. And I rebelled against this big-time. For YEARS. I couldn’t focus on what I wanted to do because I thought I was doing it for HIM, and that was a major losing proposition all the way around. It upset me and made me want to eat more. Which I did. So you have to take a deep breath and let her know that it’s HER choice/decision etc and not yours, even though you are there to support her.

HOW to do it? I do not know if tracking is the answer for a 16 y old, although it might be intriguing for her, just on a curiosity level. To just lay it out mathematically, pure and simple. Once she’s decided that she is motivated, it’s just a matter of math. Calories in have to < Calories out.聽 Part of losing weight means being more conscious and knowing what you are doing in that regard. I wonder if she would like having something like a Body Bugg, which measures calorie output. (I want one sooooooooooooo bad!!!!!! Santa please!) You know that people constantly underestimate the # of calories they eat (why tracking is so useful!) and overestimate their calories burned. So it’s a great reality check tool.

It might be interesting for her to just try tracking food FOR ONE DAY. Just to see. Just to understand WHY her body might be hanging on to some weight. It could be illuminating.聽 But you are RIGHT about not bugging her or being the bad-guy Tracking Police, because that will blow up in your face faster than you can say deep-dish pizza with extra cheese. She’s gotta find her own method.

Support: Losing weight can be a very isolating, sucky experience. It pretty much was for most of my life. But it can also be super fun and awesome and exciting if you have the right friends. (shout-out to EVERYONE who blogs, tweets, reads and comments with me!) Does she have any friends who might want to be her weight-loss buddy? This would make it so much less mortifying and “oh shit I am the only loser who needs to do this.”聽 YES, I can see her not wanting to be caught dead with all us Oldsters at WW. (although there is a nice 17 yr old who comes in with his mom to one of my meetings, he is awesome!) So I think it will be absolutely critical for her to find others HER AGE who are on the same path. There are plenty of way-cool bloggers who are much younger than me, who could be great role models. (PEOPLE- HELP ME OUT: can you recommend any cool teen weight-loss bloggers?)

She needs to find some form of activity that she considers Fun. Again, doing it with a Buddy is going to make ALL the difference.聽 I think having something like a pedometer (measuring steps per day, and doing a mini-competition? With prizes??? :-)) or a Body Bugg would be fabulous.

Lastly: Dara Chadwick blogs about girls, moms, weight and self-esteem. She’s written this great book. I bet she’d be able to give you even more informed and useful advice.

I think you are an AWESOME mom for your concern and wanting to support your kid in this way.聽 It’s fantastic that she already has your support and that you already have healthy food around. The biggest thing is to gently guide her in choosing her OWN path that she wants to take.

Those are my two cents for the moment but I really hope that lots of readers will chime in with comments. Help me out, folks!

8

Don’t Fear the Weigh-er

I just got back from a 4-day retreat that featured some extremely delicious and “clean” food. I pretty much tried to keep it intuitive and mindful and all that but I DID indulge in some beautiful apple crisp (with whipped cream) one night, and some lovely sherry pound cake (with whipped cream) another night. Those people really do know how to make the most divine whipped cream. So I was a little worried. BUT I did get activity in every day – a couple long walks, and then my little trip home to test my blood and do that awesome 14 minute workout, and it was pretty good.

So I was relieved and happy to see that I weighed less when I came home, than I did last week before leaving. That was a real affirmation. Yay. And it reinforced my dearly held belief that I can eat yummy things like dessert with whipped cream and still lose weight.

At the end of this week I have a big staff meeting at WW, a “Tune-Up” to let us know about program changes for 2010. On the national staff message boards, it seem that some of these meetings across the country have included surprise weigh-ins. OH BOY. This threw me into a bit of a tizzy for a little bit.聽 But then I realized, you know, I should be ready to be weighed in ANY DAY of ANY WEEK, and not worry about it. Yeah right? I thought of calling my supervisor and asking if this was going to happen, but then I realized… what? That if he says “no,” it gives me license to eat like a horse and not work out? And if he says “yes” I’m going to start scrimping on the food? NO NO NO.

I decided to not ask. I decided to just calm down and stay mindful. I decided that my goal is to stay at my same weight that I was this morning. If I do that, I am fine.

But anyone who has faced that scale knows the funny little game playing that can go on. To have a big “cheat day” the day after a weigh-in. To eat hardly anything the few days leading up.聽 The same thing can happen to staffers, you know. We have our weigh-ins near the first of the month. So the prospect of being weighed on the 20th, was like, UH OH! But that is dangerous thinking. I have to keep telling myself, this is for real, for good, for every day.聽 Sure, Things Happen, but I’m not going to PLAN to go off program and gain weight just because I think I’m not going to be weighed for a while.

In other news, I took up the challenge to do Jillian’s 30-Day Shred again. I hadn’t done it in a while but I remembered that I liked it. Well, it kicked my little booty! I did the Level 2, and used my brand new 8 lb weights. OH MAN. I was a sweaty mess after 20 minutes. I have to say, that Shred is the most efficient workout thing EVER. And I will do it again tomorrow! I might not do it every single day, ie I will not do it when I see my own trainer because IMHO that is total overkill. But I will do it every other day.

I start my two new At-Work meetings this week! One of them is (almost) all women and the other one is (almost) all men! Won’t that be interesting!! I am enlisting the help of the ever-awesome Jack Sh*t to help me keep the men entertained. (did you see his great post on why losing weight is like sex? LOL) I’m really looking forward to it. Today I got a big box of leaderish office supplies via UPS, including about ten million large paper clips. What will I do with those? They will probably last me until my retirement at the age of 103.

7

It’s a Big Blue World Diabetes Day!

Today is World Diabetes Day! Last year on this day, I had no idea what this meant. I had no idea that I had pre-diabetes at the time, and I surely did. I knew nothing. This year is so different.

Today I participated in The Big Blue Test, which consisted of diabetics the world over simultaneously testing their blood sugar at 2:00pm, then exercising for 14 minutes (because it’s November 14th!) and then re-testing. I happen to be out of town this weekend. I also happened to have left my blood testing meter at home (bad me). But this was really important to me so I slipped out of the retreat I’m attending and went home to test, exercise, test. It was about an hour after I had eaten lunch so I thought it would be pretty high. But happy surprise, it wasn’t. It was 118 at 2:00pm, which is pretty darned good. Then I jumped rope for a while, did some lunges with weights for a while, and rowed on the rowing machine, until I had totalled about 14 minutes. Tested again: 76!!!!!!!! I was floored!

This was聽 real eye opener for me. I know that exercise is really good and beneficial for one’s blood sugar. But I had now idea HOW effective, and how IMMEDIATE it is. I mean, wow. It made me feel really happy. And also really sheepish that I have been rather slackish about testing my blood. It’s been generally really really good, so I figured, it must always be really good.聽 But I’m planning on testing at least once or twice a day, promise.

The American Diabetes Association has introduced a new site called Diabetes Act Now. It’s got some great features:

路聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 A virtual diabetes health care professional who explains why people with diabetes need to know their ABCs (A1C – a measure of average glucose, blood pressure, cholesterol).

路聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 A personal dashboard where users can track their progress and select action plans.

路聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 A library of videos designed to help users make easy lifestyle changes to improve their diabetes numbers.

路聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 A new interactive widget provides users with diabetes-related content and resources that can be accessed directly on their personal desktops.

路聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 You can check out the PSA鈥檚 for the campaign on YouTube here:聽 English / Spanish

路聽聽聽聽聽聽聽聽 There鈥檚 also an official Twitter account for the campaign at http://www.twitter.com/diabetesactnow.

It’s a cool animated site designed to increase awareness and easy actions. Do YOU know what your blood pressure, cholesterol and fasting blood glucose numbers are? It’s a good idea to get them checked even if you think are super healthy. Just to be sure.

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