foodfoodbodybody

lovehateagonyecstasy

Heading Into the Wilderness August 21, 2010

Storm over Yellowstone Falls

I’m realllllllllllllllllllly looking forward to our family vacation coming up. I feel like it’s been a really long, hardworking summer and I am READY for some R & R!

I’ve been scoping out the place where we’re going and it looks like the food situation… um, I don’t know. We’re staying in these rustic cabins and it looks as though everyone who stays there eats in a cafeteria kind of place. Hm. All I can do is cross my fingers, hope for the best, Make Good Choices, etc.

I think it will be a plus-minus sort of situation. On one hand, there will be opportunity for a lot of activity. Hiking, biking, rafting etc! In a beautiful spot! On the other hand, it’s a lot of unknowns, especially with the food. I won’t have my scale. ;-) I am pretty sure there is going to be NO INTERNET (!!!!!!!!!!). So that does not bode well for my food blog. I am vowing to take pics of all my eats though, and when I can upload them, I will.

 

Changing Goal Weight??????? June 8, 2010


Vintage bathroom Scale

Originally uploaded by totalrod2

So I’ve been virtually at the same weight for almost a year now. YAY.

And now that it’s been a year, I’ve been pondering/musing/obsessing over the idea of changing my goal weight. Ie, trying to lose the “last ten.”

I have some major ambivalent feelings about it. But it’s been on my mind a lot. It’s sort of like declaring a major, you know? It’s a commitment. And it’s not something I want to commit to unless I am sure.

Why do I/would I want to do this? Well. A few reasons. One, I’m beginning to realize that I’m not quite as fit and trim as I used to think I was. I mean, for much of the past two decades I would have DIED of HAPPINESS to be at my current weight. In fact, it did not even seem remotely in the realm of possibility. In fact, it did not even seem possible to weigh what my driver’s license says. (which is 13 pounds more than my current weight)

But now I’ve been hanging out here for a year. It’s good. It’s fine. I wear clothes that range from size 4 to size 12. (and yeah, I fit into all of them. How crazy is that) Also clothes that range from size S to L. I’m within a “normal” BMI. But that’s the thing. I’m very close to the ceiling of that range. Once or twice I’ve come close to hitting my head on it.

I weigh 10 lbs more than I did on my wedding day. I was hardly SKINNY on that day. I was like, regular.

I still have something of a spare tire. I still can grab large handfuls of belly fat, wayyyyy more than “pinching an inch.” I know that belly fat of any kind is not good for one’s health, and especially for diabetic people. So I think the less of that I have, the better. It’s never gonna be flat and i’m never wearing a bikini again. (those days were over 35 yrs ago)

Is it health? (a little) Is it vanity? A little. Is it a combination? Yeah.

That’s what I’m struggling with. I have problems with vanity dieting. Which I have said before. At the same time, I cannot deny the pleasure of shopping for and finding cute clothes that fit me. So vanity has become a weird part of my life.

It is weird when people MY HEIGHT come in to Weight Watchers. They weigh the same as me. Or LESS than me. And they are all, “UGH! GROSSSS! HOW DID I EVER GET TO THIS POINT!?” We are trained to be supportive of every member no matter their height or goal, as long as it is within the Healthy Range. But inside I am cringing and thinking, this person will never have faith in me. How can I be a leader or role model when they are so freaked out to be MY weight? I don’t say a thing. I support them. But still.

I’m never going to be at the bottom of the range. I don’t know if I will ever even be in the middle. No, I don’t think that’s in the cards either. But if I could get my head just a little fraction of a distance away from that ceiling, it would probably be a good thing.

The thing is, I’m nervous. (as if you couldn’t tell) I’m afraid of upsetting the apple cart, tipping the boat, you name it. I’ve actually gotten pretty comfortable with maintenance and I am afraid to get back onto the weight-loss road again. What if I fail? What if I try to lose and end up GAINING because I’ve put too much pressure on myself? What if I can’t do it? And my head goes smashing through the ceiling AND the roof?

All these things make me ponder. Should I let sleeping dogs lie? Should I make peace with my belly fat? Should I Go For It? (losing the last ten)

I know that people will probably have all sorts of ideas about this. And at the same time, I know that the only person who can ultimately answer this question is me.

 

Recharged: It’s All New Again! October 20, 2009

It’s so funny. I used to have a very contentious relationship (in my head) with WW.  There were times when I loved it (actually, this was wayyyy back in the beginnning, when I first joined in 1997), times when I felt “eh” and other times when I was outright angry. I was one of Those Members who sat in the back row, arms folded, with an “I dare you to tell me what to do” look on my face. There were times when I paid to go to meetings for three or four months and my weight never budged. Or it went up and down the same two pounds over and over. I just was not ready (or willing, at ALL) to do the program. I’ve never had any doubt in my mind that if you do the WW program, it will work. The problem is all the junk in the way of DOING it.

Yesterday I received my leader prep materials for November, plus a preview package of some things that are new to the program for 2010. I got so excited! I pored over every single piece of paper, word, drawing with huge eyes. WOWEE! I kept nodding my head, saying, “Yeah, that’s right!”

But I remember getting those weekly booklets and just tossing them into the recycling. At one point, it was just all “blah blah blah blah” like Charlie Brown’s teacher. There was just no reception for it.

Last night I did a little practice bit of a meeting, no more than two minutes, at my regular meeting. We are supposed to share something about our own personal WW journey. As I talked, I was surprised (no? should I be surprised? Ha) that I got a little emotional about it.

I talked about how I first joined WW in 1997 when I was preparing to go to a high school reunion. I wanted to look good, or at least decent. I probably was 25-30 lbs over my high school days at that point. So, I got allllllmmmmmmmmost to my goal weight, but not quite. I was about 4-5 lbs shy at the reunion. Then it was over. I went home. All my incentive had evaporated. I stopped being “OP” (on plan). All that weight (plus more) boomeranged right back at me. That was my first mistake: to have a specific goal, and then not replacing it with a new goal right away. Oops.

Thus began my in-and-out, love-hate relationship with WW. I came and went many times more over the next several years, but never really had the same enthusiasm as my first time. Then it was replaced with dread and hatred as I failed over and over again. Until this last January, when I was in such a state of desperation with my diabetes diagnosis. Even then, I sort of slunk in to the meeting. I sort of did the program.

It wasn’t until I was within fingers’ reach of my goal that I woke up and realized what it had all done for me. And then I started maintenance, which is a whole ‘nother ball of wax, as they say. It’s then that I started really paying attention, and really complying. Really reading the materials and seeing what value they had for me. Really GETTING IT.

I don’t want to get all WW-evangelical on y’all, but this training has really opened my eyes even MORE to what a good, solid, comprehensive program this is. And if people engage with it, and really take in everything it has to offer, it’s such good stuff. Truly.

 

Shock: CAN I Trust Myself? August 22, 2009

Wow. So I just got on the scale for the first time in a week. I was nervous. I was so nervous. In fact, I had worked myself up into a total lather, convinced that I had gained ten pounds while on vacation.  I told myself, it’s okay if you gained ten pounds. You’ll work it off. It will be okay. But really it would not have felt okay.

And guess what? I weigh exactly the same – TO THE OUNCE! – that I weighed last week. I couldn’t believe it. I had been telling myself all KINDS of crazy stories in my head. I was convinced it had all gone to hell in a handbasket.

It was an interesting exercise in trust. I did not trust myself. Not one bit. And I was completely insecure without my scale.

I couldn’t tell if I was eating too much or just right. (I never worry about eating too little, ha!) I did have birthday cake. I ate more cheese – fancy shmancy cheese- than ever.  I did have a lot more wine than usual. (normally my max is about one glass a week, and I think I was averaging more like one a day) I went out to eat. I didn’t exercise as much as usual. But I was “active.” (splashing around in the river, a bit of canoeing, some walking, and two runs)

I’m just sitting here right now going, “Huh. WOW.”

Can I reallllllllly trust myself?

Along these lines, I have signed up for an interesting site along with a friend of mine. Basically, it uses monetary incentive to stick to a goal. It’s called Stikk. Their motto is:

Having a goal is easy. Turning that goal into an accomplishment…THAT takes commitment. We know you’re ready, so Put A Contract Out On Yourself!

The concept is, you make a goal and then put a monetary value on it.  If you don’t reach your goal, your money goes to the charity of your choice. You can also choose an anti-charity, ie if you don’t reach your goal, your money goes to a charity that you vehemently do NOT support (ie Sarah Palin!). (I find that much more motivating)

I signed up and put my goal down as maintaining my weight for the next 12 weeks. The first six went okay, but can I really maintain for three more months?

They’ve been sending me emails for days, nudging me to report in on how my goal is doing. I was thrilled (AND shocked) to report that I’d actually accomplished my goal for this week.

I really have no idea how that happened.


 

Maintenance Is Like Plateau, But Better July 9, 2009

Filed under: body image,diet,emotions,health,weight — Susan @ 12:24 am
Tags: , , ,

So I’ve been “officially” at goal weight for two weeks, but I think more like a month or more because before that, I was less than a pound away.  The funny thing is is that before I hit that arbitrary Magic Number, I was at a Plateau (which everyone hates and dreads) and since I hit the number, I’m at Maintenance. But really there’s no difference. It’s all kind of silly.  Just something I’m noticing.

Somebody asked today if Maintenance was Hard, Easy, or Medium. I wouldn’t exactly say it’s EASY, but it isn’t hard either. It just… is. I think our bodies actually pretty much like staying in one place, which is why losing is hard(er).  I think it likes plateaus. I’m pretty much doing the same stuff as I have been all along but I definitely hit a wall of having weight just go away. I’d have to step it up in ways I can’t quite fathom in order to lose more right now.

I’m going to hang out here for a while. But it did occur to me that just a few months ago if my weight wasn’t budging, I’d be deeply unhappy. Now I see my body as just kind of resting, and stabilizing. I would like it if I could lose another bit of weight. I know I still have pudge in various areas that I’d like to lose. But I’m not desperate to do it, and feel like it will eventually happen. It might take me a year to lose another 5 lbs.  And that’s okay.

 

Maintaining While Traveling June 29, 2009

This past weekend was a total whirl of travel. My husband and I flew to the other coast for a funeral (his father’s). There was a lot of traveling, a fair amount of socializing/eating, a high degree of emotion, and not a lot of opportunity for exercise. I didn’t exercise on Friday. (travel)  I took a 30-minute walk/run on Saturday and didn’t do anything yesterday.

My eating was OK. It was interesting – it was a combination of good and not great, and I was curious about how it would pan out, scale-wise.

I was in the South, so I had this intense desire for biscuits. We stayed in a hotel that had a free breakfast. There were biscuits. I have pretty much stayed away from most white carbs for months, but I realllllllllly wanted those biscuits. (it was a tossup between biscuits and grits, which I also love) I took a biscuit. Took a bite. It was horrible. Blech! I am proud of myself because I just ate that one bite and then pretty much decided it was SO not worth it. Hooray for mindful eating! I got some fruit instead.

Later, at the post-funeral reception, I was in a high state of emotion. There was a huge spread that had been catered. They had these little ham sandwiches made on cheese biscuits. I had one. It was really, really good – the quality of biscuit was 20x better than the breakfast one. I had a few pieces of cheese and some roasted vegetables and a deviled egg. (all good) I circled around the dessert table, which had huge plates of bite-sized delectable looking things. I circled and circled, like a giant shark. Ultimately I did not eat any desserts, but I did go back and have a second little cheese biscuit sandwich. Two people had spoken to me about having diabetes, and I think that was a helpful little aid for me.

Later on, we went down the street to a restaurant. I had a mojito (are you getting the idea that this is my beverage of this summer?). Then we ordered dinner and I had this amazing chilled pea soup with yogurt and shrimp. Awesome. Also an appetizer plate of grilled asparagus. And a glass of wine.

So that was my weekend, food wise. I woke up this morning to a dream in which all these athletes were there, and everyone was exercising except me. My running buddy M was running really fast and I was having trouble keeping up with her. I was wearing a muumuu. HA.

I was nervous when I got on the scale this morning but it was pretty much where it was when I left last week. So I maintained! This is good! I do feel like I need to exercise in a very big way, but I have to take kids to day camp this morning, and then take myself to work. This evening, then. For sure.

OK, I think this was probably the most boring post I have written yet. But it was an interesting challenge for me -my first week as a maintainer. Trying to balance it all with traveling, being off schedule, out of my environment, in a state of high emotion.  I am recalling that for the last two times that I went away for weekends, I ended up gaining around 2 lbs each time. So, I am pretty much claiming it as a victory.

 

 
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 5,063 other followers