foodfoodbodybody

lovehateagonyecstasy

A Hand Up May 27, 2010

So my little downward spiral continued to have its way with me until I landed with a huge THUNK this morning and ended up sobbing my brains out in my car. I guess you could call that a pretty “rock bottom” point. I really felt unbelievably hopeless, helpless and also shocked that I had gotten into this state, so quickly.

This was set off in part by my taking my blood glucose this morning and finding it HIGHER than it has been since I was even diagnosed. This stunned me. Then I went to the lab to get my blood drawn for my appointment this week. I was mortified. Here my endocrinologist came to my SHOW last week, and I’ll all woo-hoo-look-at-me!! Poster Star Diabetic Patient!! OMG how BOGUS can I be?!?!?

I sent off a flurry of desperate texts to a friend who sent me a ton of support which I could only partially receive given the pit of self-loathing sludge I was drowning in. But I did hear a little bit of it and of course the one thing I heard was, “If this was me you would not be beating me up,” or something along those lines. It was so true.

I made my way to my trainer’s gym. He asked me how I was when I walked in the door. I burst into tears. We spent the entire session stretching out my incredibly tense and misaligned body. Which was necessary. He was also extremely kind to me. Which didn’t hurt either. After I finished there, I felt like I reallllllllly needed to sweat, so I went up to the gym and killed the AMT machine (elliptical-thingie) on level TWENTY (the highest) for 30 minutes. The sweat felt good, really good.

Briefly ran into my spouse. Who had read my blog post from yesterday and offered to 1) support me in going to bed earlier so I am not so freaking EXHAUSTED and 2) take a walk with me early in the morning.  Now that’s what I call spousal support.

Went to work. Brought my new ball which is going to function as my new chair. We’ll see how this goes. Allegedly sitting on a ball is a hundred times better than a chair, and burns a lot more calories. My DirectLife was not WILDLY impressed, but I do think the little green spikes were higher than my chair-sitting hours.

Went to Weight Watchers. I sort of slunk in there, feeling like, WHO THE HECK ARE YOU to be doing this, when you are so completely messed up?!? Well. I’ll tell ya.

A member came in. She had gained (less than me). She burst into tears. Then she told me about the VERY BIG THINGS she has been dealing with lately. I said to her, “If this was one of your dearest friends in this same situation, would you be beating them up and berating them?” (Hmm, sound familiar?) I gave her some Kleenex. I almost started crying myself. It was the biggest mirror ever. In fact, it turned me right around. When she left later on, I felt like she was going to go home and be nicer to herself.

After the meeting, I met with another good friend.  She asked me how I was doing. Amazingly, I did NOT start sobbing my face off. I told her. She listened. It was so good. She told me some stuff back. We pledged to support each other. Once again, honesty (especially in the hardest times) rules.

I am so very very fortunate for my friends and community. The church I (occasionally) go to has a prayer that says “we are weaving a tapestry of love we call community” and that is how I feel about the people who are surrounding me and holding me up on this journey.  Thank you.

About these ads
 

6 Responses to “A Hand Up”

  1. terrepruitt Says:

    I am sorry you were feeling like this. I was cheering as loud as I could.

    I think we all feel bad, hypocritical (no one is perfect all the time), and down at times.

    It is awesome and you are blessed to have such a great support team. Yay you!

  2. Hanlie Says:

    Your post really touched me… I can so relate. I have to remind myself often that it’s okay to stumble and even fail from time to time. And yes, we need one another…

  3. {{HUGS}} We all seem to get there from time to time! That is when we see who and how much we are blessed by the people that are in our lives.

  4. natalee Says:

    Isnt it amazing with WW how we go there to help others and its the members who help us. Many a tmes I have slugged into my meeting rooms and always I leave feeling so much better. Its amazing when you “give” to something it gives back. Law of energy I suppose. I have been reading the Power of Now and a new earth by eakert Tohle…I think I spelled that wrong. But its helped me so very much. You seem like a spiritual person and these are spiritual books. The other thing is to someday share with your members in the meeting what you are going thru and how you got yourself together again. Those self disclosures Are POWErFUL. I just did one this week on how I have gained 5 pounds and why. They just soak it in when they see that YOU too have challenges and have to power thru them. Just some thoughts. Sending you a virtual WW hug. Nat

  5. Shannon Says:

    Oh I am just so happy! I love ya! XOXO

  6. Lesia Davis Says:

    I have had those same thoughts about me beating myself up. We I read the blogs and it is so easy for me to offer kind words of encouragement and see the good things in their post. But when its me, Why don’t I do that for me? It made me open my eyes and start treating me with those same kind words. good job on your post.smile.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 4,799 other followers