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A Little Downward Spiral May 25, 2010

WOW I had a crazy tough week last week. Why do I always get surprised by hard times?

So the week started out sad because after my very exciting and fun weekend with Shannon, she went home. I went back to my hugely packed work schedule.

My fabulous trainer was out of town for the week. Instead of planning for alternate forms of exercise, I just said, “Oh well,” and I ended up just letting that time get absorbed by more work.

I was so stressed. My new job is a huge learning curve, a lot of new information and also straining to remember old information that is tucked away in some brain wrinkles that haven’t been activated in almost 20 years. I even broke down and cried at my desk on Thursday. That was a real low point.

My eating went a little haywire, off and on during the week. This ended up (of course) in a gain. I first realized this on Sunday RIGHT BEFORE I was going to the theater for my show. NICE! I felt like, oh my god, what an idiot, what a fraud, what a… freaking EXPLETIVE and who do I think I am, etc etc etc.

I woke up Sunday morning with one of my big toes all swollen and red and hot from an ingrown toenail. My mind went into freak-out overdrive and immediately I thought, “My diabetes! It’s gonna get infected! They’re gonna amputate my foot!” and the like. Thank GOODNESS in that moment for Twitter. I reached out to my dear friend Dr. Mo, who just happens to be a podiatrist. She was both concerned and reassuring in the right mixture.

I got through the show without completely melting down. I think my heightened emotions may have helped, in fact. My mom and my trainer and my doctor all came, plus some great friends.

But I’ve been feeling kinda shaky. And it scared me (as it always does) to realize how little it takes for me to “go there.”

There’s a scene in my show where I’m sort of scoffing at these Other diabetic people who have just let themselves go all to hell and they have every medical complication in the book. But this week I had a tinge of that. Some panic mixed with failure/shame/giving up. It was terrible. I even, for the first time in YEARS, almost pulled into an IHOP. I wanted pancakes. Big, fluffy white-flour pancakes dripping with syrup! I mean, it was crazy. The good thing was that I did not actually enter the IHOP *or* eat the pancakes. But the mere fact that I *wanted* to, made me upset. And it made me see how people can get into that spiral and just.. give up.

Tomorrow I see my trainer again. I have the feeling I’m gonna cry with relief. It’s going to tip back in a good way, and I’ll start climbing up those steps again. But man. I don’t like weeks like this.

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18 Responses to “A Little Downward Spiral”

  1. laurajane Says:

    Weeks like that can be tough, but you’ve really made so much progress! I just recently discovered your blog and it’s been really inspirational to me.

  2. ugh, I’m so sorry you had such a bad week!

    I’m glad to hear that you are on the upswing though and looking forward to your trainer. :)

  3. terrepruitt Says:

    Rah-rah-sheeshkboom-ba! Go! Go! Go!

    (Just cheering you on!)

  4. Shannon Says:

    Aww Susan I did not realize you had such a bad week :( Be nice to yourself! Just so you know my time spent with you has actually given me that extra boost that I needed. Your example and dedication to being your best was so good for me. Because of you I had a fabulous week. I miss you but think of you every day and carry a little part of you with me for support even though we live so far apart.
    So next time you are feeling low just remember how much fun it was to conquer those ropes of doom, together! How you felt after the nia class and how much your loved, no matter what! That is what it is about my friend. Remembering the best times when the low times come around. That is what will pull you out of it.
    Pick your self up and take a deep breath. You are perfect just as you are. Everyone has days and feels overwhelmed, it’s okay.
    I love ya!
    XO
    Shannon

  5. Awwww…. NO TEARS, Princess!!!! Movers and Shakers such as yourself, has a zillion and 1 things on your plate!!! You are…in the words of Mary J Blige “Just Fine”!!! I’m so darn PROUD OF YOU!!!!! You are allowed to slip…because you are human, HOWEVER, you DID NOT!!! YOU ARE STRONG!!! I’m happy that you are a MODEL PATIENT!!! Enjoy your training session!!! Leave “IT” with the ROPES!!!! ;-) {{{Hugs}}}
    Love ya Lots
    @FitInMyHeart

  6. Pubsgal Says:

    (((hug))) Hang in there, girlfriend! I’m sure our sucky weather isn’t helping, either. (While I’m grateful for the rain, why does it have to be so cold and grey and icky…in May?!?) And I’ve so been there, in those overwhelmed-by-work-and-life-and-everything times.

    I understand the shame of craving the kinds of food that will harm us, especially as people with diabetes. I actually gave in somewhat over the weekend…not as badly as before, but I actually hauled out my blood glucose meter and took a reading, just to slap myself back to reality. :-) Cravings, or even stumbling a little, doesn’t make us bad people…just people, right?

    You’ll feel much better once you get a good workout; so glad you’ll get to work with your trainer tomorrow!

  7. mel Says:

    Sorry to hear you had a bad week. Your show was SO GREAT! Sometimes the tough days/weeks are when the workouts help the most (endorphins, right?). You’ve worked hard and nothing can take that away from you– you’re amazing!

  8. “But the mere fact that I *wanted* to, made me upset.”

    And

    “But man. I don’t like weeks like this.”

    Look at it this way: you know the difference between these two sentences/feelings and the opposite of them. And that, my dear, is huge. “Before” you didn’t know the difference.

    {{{Susan}}}

  9. Kaveh Says:

    Sorry to hear about the stress, Susan. Take it easy and take it slow… you WILL learn (and relearn) the new skills you need in your job.

    And you DIDN’T stop at IHOP!

    I guess it’s probably a good thing to realize (and empathize with) how one can get discouraged and get into a spiraling down mode. But I know you won’t let that happen to you. You KNOW now, what it would do; you are too determined to let that happen; and you have breathed the fresh air of being healthy again.

    BTW, are you allowed to have a little bit of pancake ONCE in a while? :)

    • I’m sure a “little bite of pancake” is fine, but that is not what I had in mind when I felt that magnetic pull toward IHOP: I was thinking some sort of mind-obliterating mountain of sugar, butter and carbs. Ack.

      Love that: “the fresh air of being healthy again.” Perfect.

  10. dianabanana Says:

    it takes more courage to share the tough times than the good ones, so thank you.

    it is sooo helpful for me to see a week like this from the outside, from the point of view of compassion… because, honestly, you are strong and inspiring ESPECIALLY when it’s not easy.

    now all i have to do is have the same compassion for myself ;-)

    ps: i’m sad to have missed your show. i am embarrassingly broke and couldn’t order the tickets, but i saw that there will be another one!!! i’m determined to make it.

    • awww diana, I am so sorry about that! I missed seeing you there. If the same thing happens next time, EMAIL ME and I’ll put you on my Special List.

      Yes, compassion for SELF, that’s the biggest challenge, isn’t it? thank you for your comments. I know you’re right.

  11. Thank you ALL for the kind and loving comments. They made me get all choked up. oxo

  12. Lesia Davis Says:

    Got your blog from my new friend Shannon. I am excited to follow you. I hear you are a WW too. I love your words and it sure sounds like you have a great support system.look forward to hearing more of your success.smile.

  13. Quix Says:

    Sorry you had such a hard week :(. It happens. Just get back into it this week. A bad week is just that, one week out of your life. Hope this week is a good one to make up for it!


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